The Next Two Weeks Are Maybe the Biggest of My Life

[JenniferB]

As the anxiety is mounting on working FT as Jennifer, I have a feeling many things will be decided, for good or bad. This week will be the preparation time. Which restroom I use is still in doubt atm and I know I can not accept having to still use the men's restroom. A lot is in the balance. It can go from jumping the next hurdle and GCS (gender correcting surgery) will be the only remaining step. Or everything falls apart.

I can't live where I would still have to use the men's restroom, or where I would lose my job and being able to continue HRT, let alone GCS, might be impossible. I can't live a life of the slow torture of watching my body slowly revert back to a male with very little hope of a happy future.

The next couple weeks is the fork in the path where what I do with the rest of my life will be decided.

Jennifer

[Guest KarenLyn]

Take a deep breath... and relax. You'll get through this. Look at how far you've come! You can do this.

HUGS

Karen

[Guest -Jamie-]

Jennifer, you are incredibly strong. No matter which path you go down, I know you will find a way to make everything work out to your advantage.

[Carolyn Marie]

Jennifer, in the weeks before my workplace transition, I imagined every possible worst case scenario. I was so stressed, I went back to see my therapist.

Guess what? It went perfectly, better than I ever imagined in my wildest dreams. I'm not saying you will have the same result. I am saying that worst cases rarely prove out. What you're going through is natural. Like KarenLyn said, just take a deep breath and relax. Do what you need to do, but try not to over think it. You said you work for a progressive company, in a place that has work place protections. So, there you have it. How likely is it they would ignore all the rules and laws? Relaaaaaaax.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Drea]

I will repeat what I said on another occasion.

Women you have worked with will have a difficult time with you using the ladies room so soon after changing.

The restroom is a significant issue.

I understand you cant' use the mens room, but don't turn a fight over using the ladies room one of validation and acceptance.

I seen more than a few lose their jobs over restroom issues. To be blunt, as long as you have a penis, and your co-workers know that, and the women at your workplace have an issue with you using the ladies room, it is a bad situation.

Keep in mind, the restroom is an issue that will pretty much become a non-issue with time. Now you can certainly talk with HR and that can result in a positive outcome. Some compromise can be worked and I have heard of several ways of working things. Be careful tho as that battle now might not be the best timing.

If it were me, I would do off site if I had to in order to avoid issues with my co-workers. So soon after changing, they are adapting to that and I would be doing all I could to get my co-workers on my side and making them confortable. That means avoiding situations that might make them feel uncomfortable. The restroom would be an issue I would address later afterbmy co-workers have adapted.

[Guest Risu]

Jen... considering my RLT and going full time are still some ways away yet I don't really have anything to add.

I just wish you all the best. You deserve this to work out. I will be praying for you and keeping you in my thoughts. Hang in there. You've come so far I know you can do this too.

The worst case scenario rarely happens so take a deep breath and try to relax.

*hugs*

~Jade.

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

I hope things go well and that the bathroom issue gets sorted out for you Jennifer.

Gabe

[Paula ult]

I agree with Drea, you do not want to force the issue as to which bathroom you are going to use, especially not first, in time it will become a non issue.

If your workplace has multiple women's rest rooms, maybe you can suggest or HR can designate which one you will use and let everyone else know, if unoccupied you could put a post it note or something to let others know you are using that rest room at the moment, if there is a single stall restroom suggest to HR that you would like to use that one.

It is best to try to be as flexible as possible and make suggestions not demands to management and HR, i know it is sometimes hard but in time your workplace transition will be old news, instead everyone will be talking about the secretary that is having an affair with the ( fill in the blank ).

Paula

[Drea]

It is best to try to be as flexible as possible and make suggestions not demands to management and HR, i know it is sometimes hard but in time your workplace transition will be old news, instead everyone will be talking about the secretary that is having an affair with the ( fill in the blank ).

Your absolutely right there Paula. When it becomes old news, when your co-workers are comfortable (maybe 6 months) there will come a time where it will just be expected.

I was talking with a friend who transitioned a long time ago. One thing she regretted was demanding of her co-workers so early on. In hindsight she realizes that they were really trying and were being cooperative, but she made it more difficult on them and wasn't respectful of their need to go thru an acceptance process. That it was completely needless on her part to do so. In her case it was a simpler matter than a restroom.

This is our problem. We are the ones asking for accomodation. In my opinion we should be reasonable and not turn our problem into their problem.

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

I transitioned at work over a year and when I finally came out, they all knew anyway.....

It was a male dominated workplace and there were a men's room and a woman's.....

The only girls there were the secretary and me.....

And ...her and I were best friends.....

No prob.....

Don't push the bathroom issue too hard for ultimate success....

Good luck, Hon...

Huggs

Dee Jay

[Carolyn Marie]

I understand what you all are saying about the restroom issue, and maybe I;m naive, but I just don't see why it is assumed that most of Jenn's coworkers would have a problem with it, especially if management supports her, and company policy requires she be allowed to use the proper restroom. As I understand it, Jennifer doesn't have much choice here; either she uses the female restroom, or she has to transfer to another facility, or she has to use a restroom in another building. OSHA requires that employees be allowed reasonable restroom access, and going to the next building doesn't seem "reasonable" at all.

If she were African American, and some of her co-workers said they were uncomfortable sharing a restroom with her for that reason, would it be reasonable for her to give up restroom access so they could take 6 months to "get used to her?" Would anyone find that acceptable? Anyway, my two cents.

Carolyn Marie

[Drea]

I understand what you all are saying about the restroom issue, and maybe I;m naive, but I just don't see why it is assumed that most of Jenn's coworkers would have a problem with it, especially if management supports her, and company policy requires she be allowed to use the proper restroom.

I have made no assumption and said talking with HR may result in a positive outcome. There does exist an unresolved issue however.

The comment that women co-workers will have a difficult time adjusting to the sudden change I feel is common sense that such a sudden change will take some time for co-workers to adjust to. It is an issue my therapist felt deserved some attention and reasonableness and I seen plenty of examples thru the years of what happens when one doesn't consider the feelings of their co-workers.

Reactions will of course vary and just because a co-worker doesn't make an issue of it doesn't mean she didnt find it akward/uncomfortable. It is the tolerance vs acceptance issue. To a great extent the co-workers comfort will depend on the individual transitioning and their experiences with that person prior to transition.

If she were African American, and some of her co-workers said they were uncomfortable sharing a restroom with her for that reason, would it be reasonable for her to give up restroom access so they could take 6 months to "get used to her?" Would anyone find that acceptable? Anyway, my two cents.

Last I checked gender segregated restrooms were still legal, it isn't a fair comparison.

OSHA requires that employees be allowed reasonable restroom access, and going to the next building doesn't seem "reasonable" at all.

The employer has lattitude as how to achieve that reasonable accomodation. What I said I would do, to go off site if needed, is a choice I would voluntarily make in order to give my co-workers opportunity to adapt. It has nothing to do with reasonable or not.

Now a reasonable offer might involve transferring her to the other building, changing assignments. As long as it is equivalent and she isn't penalized they have that lattitude as they would have had with her pre-transition to change her assignments. Or they could add a single seat restroom right in her work area to accomodate her. In my opinion flexability and willingness will can achieve good cooperation with employers and co-workers.

One could argue that those aren't reasonable because she is unfairly descriminated against because her ID has been legally changed and she doesn't have unrestricted use of any ladies room. Certainly one can fight on a matter of principal, take it to court even, but one should understand that such isn't the best way to maintain being employed.

I always considered that other people need to adapt. It can be enough challenge for us to change. I consider it reasonable that those close to us need help adapting and that does include co-workers. That in doing so, seeing it thru their eyes and being able to empthize with them can be the best way to get them to see it from our point of view and adjust. Being sentive to their sensitivities is an important part of that. There are those who are so unreasonable it can't be done, but most will respond positivly.

I've only offered my perspective, what I feel is the best for future outcome. I am one that focuses on the long term, not the immediate.

[Guest Ney'ite]

I will have to chime in with Drea on this one. What we may very well have the right to do, may not always be the best choice long-term. 11 years in Law Enforcement taught me it is not always WHAT you have to say to someone, but HOW you say it to them. This can often determine if a situation escalates out of hand or deescalates down to a dull roar.

Let's say, as Drea had mentioned, it is taken to Court (or even not taken to Court but getting other LGBT agencies involved to help on our behalf), a lengthy drawn out battle ensues, and one wins their case, how will it feel going to work the next morning and facing all those people, knowing that if some in the company had no idea before, they certainly do now, not to mention the newspapers would have a field day.

Just my personal opinion but I was a nervous wreck that my name had to be published in tiny print in the legals on page 15 down at the bottom. Having my name possibly plastered as front page news? Oh dear Lord in Heaven!

We all know it is in our best interest to choose our battles wisely.

[Paula ult]

I know this is not exactly the same thing, in my bowling leagues i am well known, i did not want to give up my leagues just because i was transitioning, i avoided using the men's or women's rest room, i did not want people to feel uncomfortable, if i went to the bathroom just before i left home i did not have to go again till i got home, fast forward two years, we were going out to dinner after bowling and i needed to go, so i went to the women's rest room, as i was entering another female bowler from my league was getting ready to leave, we exchanged some small talk, she left and i did my business then left, if i would have done this two years earlier she probably would have made a big deal of it, giving people time to adjust to my change worked for me.

Paula

[JenniferB]

In case some of you didn't know, I have been out for 15 months to all co-workers, one month after starting HRT. So it isn't going to be a total surprise, although some will have to get used to it.

I appreciate the advice and I've decided I am not going to make demands, instead simply try and make the new situation less awkward. The two sets of restrooms are in the same building, one is for the classrooms. That's the women's restroom I am going to offer to use, and if necessary put a post it on the door, at least in the short term until the employees get used to me using the women's restroom. I'm not going to go crazy in clothes or makeup either, Instead gradually moving more into the female spectrum over time. I will start wearing flip flops though (showing a pedicure) that I've been dying to do for almost two years. I will go light on the makeup without lipstick. However I feel I must present as a woman for others to get used to the outer new me.

There was a scare today though. The place I work at wanted to see my certificate for completing the security training course (mostly dealing with proper computer usage). That freaked me out in that I started thinking they were trying to find a way to get rid of me without having to state that I'm going to work as a woman next week. I had an electrolysis appointment I had to cancel because of the stress. Believe me when I say you don't want to go through electrolysis feeling stress. It turned out there was a glitch and a lot of certificates were lost resulting in some co-workers having to retake the training (what a relief).

Right now I'm walking on egg shells and can't wait until next Monday gets here to where I can start feeling relief. It is so awkward using the men's restroom. I do not like it when other men are present. Plus I haven't used a urinal in over a year anyway.

Counting the days, hours, minutes, seconds

Jennifer

[Drea]

Sounds like you are being sensible Jennifer.

They may know, so yes not a total shock, but it is that presentation change. It is like you can't win for losing. If the change is subtle you aren't different enough and they still see the you before so the ladies room is akward. If the change is dramatic, okay the signals are clearer but a dramatic change can be harder to swallow.

I did the slow change thing. It worked well.

[Michelle 2010]

Best wishes Jennifer.

We're all rooting for you!

Michelle

[JenniferB]

So far so good.

I only have a minor update today. The ticket went through for my e-mail change. And I should be seen as Jennifer in work e-mail tomorrow.

I have an appointment with my GP (also endo) Friday to go over my bloodwork and I want to talk her into giving me a script for estradiol valerate, or injection. I doubt if she will oblige, nevertheless I will try and convince her.

Jenny

[Guest Ney'ite]

Ooo - I did not know that, Jennifer - that does change things around a little I think. Of course, you know the situation better than any of us would so I am sure you will know how to handle it the best way.

In any event, I am very happy to see you moving forward - very exciting!

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Jenny:

Actually, girl, I believe you'll be just fine.

Everybody gave you great advice, of course. Giving your coworkers time to adjust, adapt, improvise is paramount. Use your own good judgement.

The bathroom issue may actually turn out to be no biggie. I built it up in my mind to this massive hobgoblin of an obstacle. That turned out to be imaginary. I've had no problems with the bathrooms AT ALL, and I'm in there with women who knew my as an androygyne and some even as a guy. Go figure. This varies, of course. The Pacific Northwest tends to be mellow this way. Trust your instincts, but do NOT be afraid.

For insurance, I have my carry letter from my gender therapist AND an empty bottle of estradiol pills with me in my purse at all times. Security and/or cops can doubt a carry letter. Find me a regular guy taking estradiol! Case closed. You might want to do that too. Just an idea.

Jenny, no worries. Just do it. You be fine.

Peace & Joy Lacey Lynne

[JenniferB]

Nothing was resolved today. I'm not sure what's going to happen but I am going to state my case tomorrow. Hopefully something can be worked out. Stay tuned.

Jenny

[JenniferB]

I think things are going to work out. I work at a place that has accepted me so far, and a progressive company I respect, and on the forefront of LGBT rights. As I reflect on the last week, I let my emotions get the best of me. As those of you who have followed me over time know that I can go overboard, but eventually I always come back down to earth.

Instead of looking at what didn't happen, perhaps I should look at what has happened, and there are positive things that happened. For one my name is going to become Jennifer at work. That is a very positive development. They have never said anything about the times I started to dress in a more feminine manner, although I never tried to go overboard and always presented myself in the proper way.

I don't believe I have anything to fear as along as I don't push things too hard. As I'm coming down to earth the answer is becoming clearer. I'm going to work as Jennifer on Monday, therefore I should be Jennifer, including appearance. In other words just be me. Make it simple. I think everything will take care of themselves if I live as me. I have an obligation to follow policy, and therefore I will do so. If I find there is going to be an issue, I will bring it up at that time. I have the ability to adjust.

I think the biggest thing was that it's sometimes hard to be patient, and this goes for most trans people. We have a tendency to want it all at once.

On Monday I'm jumping the next hurdle, but not all of them. Actually this is a very big one. I may not be able to fully start RLE like I wanted, but I am closer. Plus dressing differently at work and having others address me as Jennifer is a big enough challenge right now. I need to adjust to this first, as well as my fellow co-workers, before I start figuring out and preparing for the next step. I have enough on the table, and I think the core of my fear was trying to do more than I can handle.

Jenny

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Good - Jen - very very good!

Lizzy

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Good - Jen - very very good!

Lizzy

Jenny:

Lizzy, certainly one of my 2 main mentors, has got that right. Very, very good. No worries. It'll be okay.

About 2 months ago, I came out fully at work and had delayed doing so for a LONG time, because I feared getting canned, of course. The exact opposite happened. My work place could not be more supportive. Get this: They're in the Deep South. You never know. Just go with the flow. Just be you. There are no male mannerisms. There are no female mannerisms. There are just Jenny mannerisms. Just be you.

Trucker Elena (who I met in person several months ago) gave me this advice face-to-face. She is actually a black-belt martial arist and knows movements supremely well from her training. She nailed me by looking me in the eye and saying to just let Lacey flow. I was in androgyny at that time. BEST ADVICE ANYBODY EVERY GAVE ME!!!

Since doing that, I'm rarely misgendered much anymore, use ladies' restrooms all the time, use ladies' changing rooms often (and am always invited to do so by the stores' associates) and even get ma'am-ed which I never, ever thought would happen. Happens every day now.

Well, I'm certainly no better than you, believe me. Lizzy, Dee Jay, BeckyTG and the "real pros" on here (Johnny and some of the guys too!!!) will all say the same thing. Just be you. You'll be okay. Listen to them. They're so right.

Peace & Joy Lacey Lynne

Heck, Jenny. You'll look back and wonder what all the hoopla was about. I do that too. We all do. You'll see.

[Guest KarenLyn]

I didn't have any problem at work as a pre-op and that includes both the restrooms and the showers. Talk to your coworkers. If there are any who have a problem, you can always work something out.