Why I Don't Think I Can Do It

[Guest LauraJen]

I've been thinking today, quite a lot actually, as I have been somewhat dysphoric right from the moment I got up this morning. Once again I found myself looking at clothes sites (a combination of an interest in fashion and pondering over whether or not to get some things as I have only 4 things left from a recent purging from feeling threatened, or simply looking for things that i like) and found myself becoming quite bitter and jealous of non-trans women, as I do sometimes. I have questioned myself a lot in the past, but I do that with everything - I'm not the sort of person who makes decisions easily. But now I'm more sure of myself than I have ever been. Recently I have actually felt quite disgusted at myself, with it all being focused about 50% on in between my legs, 40% on my chest and the rest on my voice and facial hair.

I am convinced of my need to transition, but the sad thing is though that even at nearly 22 I can't help but feel as if it is too late to do so.

The first person I came out to was dad in November 2005, so this year will be the seventh anniversary of that. He is by far the more open-minded of my parents. He is 100% supportive, but being supportive and being helpful are two different things. He sometimes refers to me needlessly as a boy or "Mr" even after all this time.

The advice that dad gave me at the time was to just focus on getting the best possible grades in school, which I did. It's good enough advice, but with university, surprise surprise, he has said the same thing about this, as though he is putting it off. I went to a psych team in late 2009, marking the first real attempt at getting through the medical transition process. I don't know what i was thinking, because I was doomed right from the start. Mum said some fairly horrible things to me and I collapsed under the pressure from emotional blackmail and guilt trips, and ended up giving up the process after being referred to a specialist. This happened in a 15-month gap between school and uni which turned out to be the darkest period of my life. I was stuck at home with my mum and had no real life support around me at all. Dad did nothing to help, i don't think he even asked me once how I was getting on.

My parents these days seem to be constantly coming home from work in a bad mood. Today that had me thinking. Seven years ago, our lives were better. Mum and dad weren't so pressured, we were in a better position financially and we didn't have the burden of recent family crises. Nobody has time to talk anymore, and everything is doom and gloom, especially with living here because every day at 6pm on the news you can expect a grim-faced news reader going on about the Euro problems. Work always comes first. I've tried loads of times to get dad to join a certain support group i know for parents, but he'll always "get round to it". I can't help but find it sad that he can't even put aside an hour to do that given the years I've been out to him. Since the psych assessment I have relapsed to a state where mum is not to know about anything at any cost, and don't know if I will ever be able to bring myself to hurt her more than i already have. Things weren't like this when i was 15.

Before all this happened my willpower to transition was much stronger, and I'm beginning to feel like this negative change is irreversible. People who have known me long enough probably think I will never do it. There's loads of things I want to do with my life, but this just drags everything down.

I don't like making posts like these, but it's probably just another one of those "everything off my chest" moments.

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Jennifa,

<<< hug >>>

Nice to see you

We all have moments of boubt with reguards to many things

Just a part of life

Take your time sweet heart

Remember that it isn't the destination you need to seek

It is the journey

Remember to stop and smell the roses

Your beauftful, and always will be

But then you always were

vanna

[Guest Juniper Blue]

Dear Laura Jen,

Is it possible to get back into Gender Therapy or at least Therapy with a person who is supportive and understands trans gender issues? It important to have people that you can talk to who really understand .. on-line but also in Real Life. A professional can also help you to create a personalized plan to help you meet your goals. They will also understand how very difficult it can be to communicate with parents and may have some advice.

Keep Reaching Out .. so many people understand and care. You don't realize it .. but you are very young .. you have time to take control of your life you simply need some support to help you to do so.

Hugs,

JB

[Guest Luuceee]

I understand how you feel on the age side, at 25 even though people on here think i could pass judging from my photos i still wonder if i have left it too late, not due to my body but due to having become well established as a male in society which with the type of work i do and being an ex region rep on a car forum means i meet people all over the UK regularly so i have a lot of coming out to do. Maybe you could try talking to a GT it may help, thats what i aim to do in the very near future. Could you also talk with your dad and tell him it is getting you down. Oh and we all have those everything off our chest moments i think its needed, you have helped me on a few occasions so far

Lucy

[Guest LauraJen]

Thank you for your responses. My mood has bounced up and down quite a lot recently, and I've been questioning whether transition really is possible for me. I actually hate having one parent who is positive and one who is negative. I know that makes me sound really ungrateful for my dad's support, but the implication of it is that I'm stuck in limbo all the time and some strong family connections are still there when I really should be breaking away and "rebelling" to move forward with it all. I have difficulty doing that sort of thing and seem to play by the rules all the time so don't really know how to be selfish. It shows in everything I do, from being totally silent in libraries, to never going a single mph over the limit when driving.

However, the recent story about Laura Jane Grace did give me some hope. I mean, she is 31, i hope to have transitioned at least part-way before I'm 30. She is also a musician, like i am, and has the same first name as me. It has reminded me that there is still hope yet; i just sometimes lose sight of things like that when it all gets a bit too much.

And Lucy, I am glad that you have found my responses to your posts helpful. I don't really know why, but I could see quite a lot of myself in you when I read your posts and as such could relate to a lot of your experiences, so felt I could offer some help and encouragement. I hope you continue to find support in this site for years to come and that you have a very positive transition ahead of you.

Laura Jen

[JJ]

Just a note to let you know I started to transition at 63. I also live in the rural mountain South where fundamentalism is the rule and people brag openly about their Klan affiliation and the number of generations their family has belonged,

I thought it was all hopeless. My body had broken down, my financial adviser had lost all my money and I was old as earth. Just too late for me before I faced this at last and realized that there was such a thing as transition for FTMs. Plus I have a daughter and granddaughter living with me. My granddaughter is in grade school and I really feared what they might go through. But it had come to a point I was dying, One day i interrupted my final exit plans long enough to ask what I really had to lose by giving it a shot. And what I do, I always do to the best of my ability, I could always go back to those other plans or just sit a few more weeks and months in that bed I was confined to and it would take care of itself actually.

Today I am correctly gendered 100% of the time by strangers and even by those who knew before who do recognize me with only a couple of exceptions. And those are people who see that pesky female ID and name. I have also lost a large amount of weight-about 200 lbs-and gotten back in shape and in spite of the greatest difficulties of my life as far as non-trans things go I know a peace and happiness I have never known,

I can only speak for myself, but for me looking the mirror and seeing me instead of an image I project, living free and open in the world as myself at last, and this indescribable feeling of being at peace in some deep way is worth every moment of anxiety and work and difficulty of transition. It was worth it - would be even if I died in my sleep tonight. It is hard for me sometimes, Very hard because I don't like to step outside the rules either-but worth it. So worth it to really live my life instead of act my way through it as best I could. Now it is real. And for me at least, that is priceless,

There can be many reasons not to transition but the two worst are time and fear. It is never too late and most of what we fear never happens. We pay a price with our lives that in the end turns out to be unnecessary very often.

And this community I feared? People have embraced and supported me and so far not one negative word has been said to me or my granddaughter though I have been to her school. Am completely out. Months ago my daughter overheard a conversations about TS and all LGBT that was nasty-I am the only trans person ever out in this whole county-but when the people were confronted they apologized. Nothing since.

My only real loss has been a sister I hadn't seen in a few years anyway and that is her choice at this point. Maybe in time she will come around. maybe not, I can accept that, Because I no longer worry what everyone thinks the way I did when trying so hard to what I just am not.

Basically you have a long good life ahead of you if you decide to grasp it. Life doesn't become less important as you age either. It sometimes becomes more and more vital. i still have a life to live and a lot of living to do in a short time, You will have the leisure to live many long years and see a time when no one thinks anything at all of someone having transitioned, The world is changing for us, And faster than I would have thought possible though I have had a career and training in the human services field.

It is never too late.

Johnny

Johnny

[Guest LauraJen]

Thank you Johnny. I suppose many people in life might call me impatient, but I just want to get it done. I felt extremely regretful for missing out on school life as what I feel is my true self that I chose to take a year out before I went into university and try to get as much of it done then because I didn't want the same to happen to my uni years. I had proms and ceremonies and other dysphoria-inducing events and just can't help but dwell on what might have been. Clearly that year out didn't work. It turned out to be 15 months of hell.

It's funny how my mum has said that she just wants me to be happy. She obviously wants to have her cake and eat it as well. It's depressing how long I have still to go, and how so many people don't know about me. I suspect 90% of them won't take it well, especially as I have had nothing obvious wrong with me. It's not something I'm looking forward to.

[Guest S. Chrissie]

*hugs sis*

Don't know what to say except that I hope you will have a breakthrough this year!

I can say that my parents are kinda like your dad. They kept saying "get good grades first then only decide whether you want to be a girl". But the thing is, it's never ending! After getting good grades, what's next? "Get a stable job first", "earn your first milliion first", "feed your old parents" first, etc. I don't know how supportive your dad is, but that's something I noticed in my parents and others I've heard of, it just ends up delaying until you think it's too late for you.

Is it possible for you to try transitioning in university, and go back home pretending to be a boy? That's kinda what I am doing at the moment.. my family are in denial and stuff and I have to go back in boy mode. Difficult, but at least it's better than not transitioning and driving myself mad.

Sending you positive energy and lots of love! <3

p.s. suddenly thought about you and came on here to check