Coming out, and loosing a friend

[Guest Kathy B]

So I just talked ot an old friend from work, and decided it was time to come out to him. Retired early last year, and have only kept in touch with a few people from work. I'm not sure how some of the other old coworkers will react, but this dear friend was more confused by my admission than expected. He said he would google transgender and transsexual and look at some of the stuff that comes up. I begged him not to do that because of all the misinformation and porn that pops up. He really didn't listen to me.

After hanging up I realized that he had no way of understanding transgender and transsexual individuals from what I told him. I guess I expected him to comprehend in 20 minutes the things that have confused me for 40 years. We are both rifle and target pistol enthusiasts, and we originally had planned a trip to Carson City for a shooting trip with some other friends. But with the changes I'm going through I couldn't spring this on him after all the plans were made, so I had to come out now. He said he was always impessed by my character and work ethics, so he was not going to worry about my "mental issue" (I let that pass). But then he said he was glad that I took the step of finding a therapist to "fix this problem". I guess I got a little upset because I broke in and said it's not a disorder that they just fix, and that I could only wish he understood how deep my anxiety is.

Well, to make this short, I don't think he is interested in finding out anything real about GID, or what I plan to do. And I'm writing off the trip to Carson City.

I don't have that many good friends, and I'm afraid I just lost another.

Sad tonight. And I want to cry, but it's just not happening. My god whats wrong with me?

Love Kathy

[JenniferB]

Hi Kathy,

There is nothing wrong with you. You are becoming your true self. It's others who are the ones who don't understand.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I think a lot of the problem is that many people around your age did not grow up at a time where being transgender was known. And even if you did know a little, it was usually in a negative way. Your friend may eventually come around, he's just in shock right now. He did say some positive things about you. Like you said you have had to deal with this problem for 40 years, and he has had less than a day. This might be a time to be patient. He needs time to soak it in.

{{{Hugs}}}

Jenny

[JJ]

Kathy I know this hurts and I am sorry.

It is possible that you have not lost him and maybe you can help him find the information he needs. Why not send him an e-mail that will allow you to explain more fully and carefully with links to the scientific information about this condition? The new imaging techniques have radically changed that.

This thread has a lot of links to scientific information

http://www.lauras-pl...showtopic=26503

This is my favorite-it is an Australian news site and not a TG site that has been recognized for it's excellence by the Australian government. It contains links to numerous studies and a synopsis of them. I gave it to my new Dr even.

http://aebrain.blogs...sexual-and.html

In my experience people have a way of coming around and surprising us when we think all is lost. I hope that turns out to be the case with your friend. But don't give up. Your response and attitude will make an enormous difference. I always told people it was okay to feel awkward and ill at ease about it at first and that really helped them get past it and relax faster too. They need reassurance from us that we realize this is very difficult for them. When we give it we are much more likely to get it back eventually

All the best

Johnny

[Guest spunky monkey]

hello,

I'm sorry if you may have lost a friend but give him time too comprehend what has been bottled up for so long, my family have taken my gid hard and call it a "phase" or "depression".

you may lose friends but you will make new ones who are more accepting.

love rachelle

[Guest WendyJean]

Basically have the list of sites that are unbiased ready, I would even route them to your friend as it may not be too late.

Thank you for posting this. I may be in the same boat myself not too far off.

[Guest rikkicd64]

Sorry about your situation Kathy, in the past year I have lost two long time friends and it hurts ,but at the same time I have started a couple of new friendships. Then there are other good surprises, like me running into a man I had worked with many years before retiring, I was wearing a short black skirt and he was surprised and said if he had known that I had such good looking legs, he would have ask me to wear a skirt years ago. So look for the good things, they will come.

Rikki...

[gennee]

I'm sorry about what happened, Kathy. Many folks don't know what GID is and what it involves. My spouse is trying to understand what my being transgender is and she's getting better with it.

[Guest Kathy B]

Thank you. There will be more friends lost, but I hope I can keep a few, since I have so few anyway. That's the problem with keeping so much to myself.

Love Kathy

[Michelle 2010]

Kathy, I have come out to @ 20 folks in the past year. All respect my journey and remain friends. Every time, I told them in person. This is not a disclosure i make over the phone.

I explain that I started attending a TG support group after seeing a GT. I then tell them that the world of TG's ranges from Hetersosexual crossdressers to people who as little kids knew they were born into the wrong body and need SRS. I tell them I am somewhere in between the two poles, that I am gender fluid or nonbinary, explaining the terms. I then show them a couple pictures of me .

One of the biggest surprises has been that after a lifetime of fearing losing friends and respect, i find that i have more friends today than In the past. Those who say you will make new friends are correct. Old friends are being introduced to Michelle and new friends are on board immediately.

If you focus on the new doors that can open for you instead of old ones that are closing, you may be very pleasantly surprised. If you reach out, and get involved in a TG group, theater group, anything that might attract open minded people, your world, like mine, may be beyond what you could imagine

Best wishes

Michelle

[Charlize]

I have almost universally found support and love. Like Michelle i started off telling people in person. Now when i do that it shocks them a bit because i'm full time and at first they don't know who i am. I try to give folks a warning and then when we meet all the time they want. Many forks at work seem to want to talk right away while others want to figure things out. Hopefully your friend is one of the latter and with time will talk some more. It sounds like he wanted to figure things out. I have also found that once i'm honest with others many seem to open up with me and tell me things that make me have to give them the same patience and acceptance i'm requesting of them.

Be yourself and try not to isolate. Retirement can do that to you. Find a support group other than us (not that w're not great). People are a lot of fun and thats what you need.

Hugs, Charlie

[Guest Kathy B]

Thank you Charlie and Michelle. I fear I've already ruined the friendship, but I will talk to him again.

I'm leaving Laura's for a time because I committed to a Stealth transition of my own design. I know there are no rules about Stealth, and talking on forums, or being in groups is not somehow outlawed. But something happened to me last weekend, and it;s just time to move on. I'll be back when I reach that point where I'm comfortable in my new life, and if I have something worth sharing (I sometimes think it's better for me to stay silent)..

Love, Kathy.

[~Nova~]

I've read his thread a few times and haven't responded. I'm a realist. I see things as they are and rarely try and sugar coat anything. People don't like it, sorry!

It would be a great world if everyone we told held their cheeks in ther hands and said how wonderful it is, and that you are soooooo brave for coming out. I can tell you, we do not live in that world. Not even close. Some pople will accept, others will not. Ome will lie and tell you they accept and talk behind your back. Others will be forward and tell you you are a freak. (my personal favorite. At least I know where I stand.)

Some will come around, others not so much. All we can do is find happiness within ourselves and know that this horrible thing was not our choice, no matter how many people tell you it is.

We are here. That's the best I have.

Wiki did a decent job on TG and TS. FYI.

[Guest]

Hi Kathy,

I keep this brochure handy to give or send to people: http://www.apa.org/topics/sexuality/transgender.pdf. It's from a well-respected organization, is short and concise, and saves others from googling into the wrong part of the world.

Never give up on those whose minds don't slam shut on you. You're right - it takes a while, especially for men, to process and understand.

Take care, honey; have hope!

Love, Megan

[Guest Kathy B]

Hi Nova and Megan Rose:

I'm trying to stay offline because of something that was traumatic to me a week ago and what might be a stupid desire to transition on my own. So I'm getting on with transition, and things will be o.k.

But, I was checking email and decided to look at my posts. And when I saw the response about the brochure I had to thank you Megan. It is similar to items that others posted in reply to this little dilemma, but the brochure has a simpler format that might prompt more people to read it. I made several copies to carry around in a hope that it helps at least some understand that I'm not crazy, or some freak.

And Nova: I too am cynical about peoples motives and intentions. I was a construction inspector for 25 years and heard every lie, promise and falsification that a contractor could tell. But none of those had anything to do with trust, and contractors knew I never trusted them. Unfortunately this is different since these are trusted friends, and these conversation wouldn't be taking place unless I trusted them. And yes some, if not most, will just tell me what they think I need to hear at the time, and then I'll never hear from them again. But those people will just have to go on the list of former friends. It was a difficult time after loosing this very good friend, and there has since been one more (it was in person). But I'm fine with it now, as long as they don't malign or denigrate me, and in that case I'll just be a bit more deeply hurt. So life goes on, and I just hope there will be special friends that honestly stand by me.

This is apparently going to be a very lonely time for me. Family and friendships were discussed with my doctor and psychiatrist, and everything was weighed before the decision to transition was made. For three months there was little more on my mind than what is happening now. And after all the negatives, and the small trauma last week, the decision was still made last Thursday to fill my prescription. It's day six on hormones and spiro, and nothing has changed, but I'm not going to come out to anyone else for a while. I'm just a slow learner.

Love Kathy