Coming out to my adult children

[Guest LizMarie]

Tonight was the night I came out to my adult children. I had started by asking them all if there was a day or evening when we could all sit down and talk. Originally we planned to get together the 25th, then it became the 15th and then I got a call that they all wanted to talk tonight.

Initially I asked them to tell me what they remembered about their earliest childhood memories, what they thought of things around them and what they thought of themselves. As I expected, all their responses were quite normal. I then explained myself, explaining that I knew I was different as a child and that I was a transsexual under the care of a professional therapist.

We had a lot of back and forth, with the kids being first concerned (rightly so) about their mother, how she was handling this, and whether she saw us staying together. She was honest and told them she was taking things a day at a time, that we had a goal of staying together, but that we also both recognized that we had to be honest with one another as well.

My eldest son took it fairly well though he chastised me for "all the pain" I was going to cause everyone around me. My daughter accepted me very fully and even stayed after my two sons left. I'm glad I have her on my side. But my youngest son was very angry, chastised me multiple times, and called me the "most selfish person" he'd ever met. We're still talking but clearly he's upset.

All in all it went about as well as I could have hoped. I have no idea how their spouses will handle this or what pressures will arise from that direction. I could find myself cut off from my grandchildren, at least from my eldest son, if his wife can't accept me. I don't think my daughter will cut me off from her kids but pressure from spouse and in-laws could change that. And my youngest son and his wife, though they have no kids, may not be speaking to me much, I'm afraid.

Hopefully this will change and improve with time. The main thing though is that I've been honest with them.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

The main thing hon, is that you came out which I know is one of the most difficult things to do.

In time, they will all come around as they get over the initial shock. I am so glad to hear that your daughter is already cool with it all.

My daughters too have been the most actively supportive. My youngest, the most. If it were not for her, I would be in such a different place.

Love

Brenda

[Guest Maria_B]

I'm sorry your youngest took this so poorly, give him some time to cool down and maybe he'll be more receptive. I'm glad, however, to hear your eldest and your Daughter took it well.

Big hugs and love.

[Guest jessica55417]

I here you loud and clear. My older kids are ok with it. My daughter is only 6 so she is unconcerned but my 13 yr old son is really have a rough time. I have been in GT counceling but not started HRT. I have no idea what is in store. I have not told my parents and siblings or any of my blood relatives in fear of rejection. We have a long tough road in front of us. There are no answers or solutions. Just follow your heart and stay involved with this site. I have never been so scared or confused. As are you i'm sure. As me and my friend and I always say in tough situations like this all you can do is........... "Just punt".

Take care and good luck.

*****Jessica

[Guest rikkicd64]

God bless you Liz, I came out to my son a few months ago, he's 39 and to his two daughters and my two sisters. All mine went better than I had hoped for and it actually brought me and my two sisters closer. It takes a lot of courage to come out to loved ones, for me it was the fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, but I'm glad I did it for my own sanity.

Peace be with you Liz, Rikki.........

[Guest LizMarie]

After talking to them the other day, my kids got together at my eldest son’s house last night to talk. Around 11pm or so (give or take a bit, I don’t recall), they called and asked my spouse to go over. I was specifically asked not to come.

She got home after I was in bed so we didn’t chat much then. And this morning, I got up to do my Saturday electrolysis appointment. When I got back home around 11am, no one was here. She had left a note saying she had gone to breakfast with my daughter.

Shortly after this my eldest son called and asked to come over. Initially, he tried to browbeat me a bit with how much pain I was going to be causing everyone else. When he saw that wasn’t working, he informed me that I “better” be sure that I took care of my spouse, in what felt like a threatening tone. I sat him down and informed him of a lot of things that he probably never knew and told him it was never my intent to leave her but that if she leaves me, it’s her choice and he better remember that.

He then informed me that I was not welcome to see his children (my grandchildren) anymore at all under any circumstances. He said he “might” change his mind later but gave no promises. He then informed me that he has never seen my youngest son this angry before and that neither my youngest son nor his spouse had any wish to speak to me again, at least at the current time. Finally, he let me know that my daughter, while still supporting me, is very confused and struggling with all this (which I knew).

I asked specifically about their spouses and he reiterated that my youngest son’s wife is very upset and does not want to talk to me. My daughter’s husband is taking things calmly and is mostly concerned about my daughter. My eldest son’s wife is alternately crying and in shock. I’m curious about why this is such a bad thing for her but I doubt I’ll get a clear answer about that. I suspect someone is embarrassed to be associated with a transgender in the family and is wondering what will their neighbors think.

So today is a lousy day and it’s going to be a lousy week. Oh, my son also informed me that he invited a common friend over and told him everything too without giving me a chance to come out to that friend. And further, my son demanded that I talk to my next younger brother “soon” or he would. While he claims he wants to maintain a relationship between us, it was obvious there was a lot of hostility there.

I’m expecting my daughter to cave under familial pressure and restrict me from seeing her children as well. I hope I am wrong about that. Thinking back, the last thing I got to do with my son’s and my daughter’s children was to watch the movie “Brave” together while holding the youngest one in my lap. That movie will always hold a special place for me because of that.

[Carolyn Marie]

I am very sorry to hear about these developments, LizMarie. My heart goes out to you. I can't even imagine facing such hostility and anger from my own child.

The only thing I can think of to suggest is to ask the most supportive of the bunch if there is anything to be gained by another get together and talk, in the event that they still have questions that weren't answered in the first session. The problem is, they might use the occasion to gang up on you. I don't know what else to say, hon. People can be so self absorbed - why is it always "my pain" and "my embarrassment" without even trying to consider what the other person is going through? It seems so easy for kids to abandon a parent, or vice versa, when the word "transgender" enters the conversation.

((((HUGS))))

Carolyn Marie

[Guest lairlane]

I’m expecting my daughter to cave under familial pressure and restrict me from seeing her children as well. I hope I am wrong about that. Thinking back, the last thing I got to do with my son’s and my daughter’s children was to watch the movie “Brave” together while holding the youngest one in my lap. That movie will always hold a special place for me because of that.

Courage, Serenity, and Wisdom.

Interesting how we refer to them as "adult children" especially when they ferment over unexpected events and lash out in a very childish manner as if they were back in the school yard without regard to their actions and words. While your eldest is doing his best to protect the rest of the planet (not to mention your spouse, siblings, his siblings and children) from the horror of your reality; he will likely have restless nights to ponder his lack of serenity and wisdom.

Please understand my intent is not to attack your son or family in any way. In fact, my wish is to see you smile, chuckle, and maybe even illicit a giggle along your journey. The memories of sharing "Brave" with your grandchildren will last your lifetime and maybe someone else will remember.

LizMarie

You are to be commended for your Courage to share what it means for you to be transgendered with the knowledge that your children will not understand.

Have the Serenity to accept that your daughter may "cave to the pressure" for some time. I suspect that will change and you will enjoy the company of daughter and grandchildren soon. The younger generations today are well informed about diversity and won't tolerate anyone badmouthing grandmadad or grandmamom.

The Wisdom part may take awhile to share with your children and their children but rest assured they will come. Maybe one at at time and in secret; they will come to you. They can only get a small portion of your story from others. They will seek you to understand what it means.

I hope your spouse is blessed with the strength to weather this storm with you.

Please accept this bag of ((((((HUGS)))))) and feel free to share with the kids

Lana

[Guest LizMarie]

I've come out to two more long time friends today and both are completely supportive of me and totally baffled at the reactions of my adult sons, both of whom they know.

So, like many others here at Laura's, I'm finding that the least tolerance is coming from my own family while my friends are far more supportive. There's a bitter irony in all that.

[Guest amanda_s]

Lizmarie sorry to hear how your sons are treating you i do hope in time that your daughter comes away from there bulling of her and that she comes back and that it may force them to see there errors. I have no children so i will never know your pain i do hope in time you will be better. when i came out to my mom i was really scared we had a 2 hour talk she's ok right now i do think we will talk before they go to visit friends for a month. we are closer that we have been she does worry about me and when i go out with friends she doesn't go to sleep until im in the house i'm 44 time will make all things better.

Take care

Amanda

[Guest LizMarie]

I got a great update today. My brother read my letter and replied that he will never cut me off and he accepts me however I am. He's helping me in how to discuss this with my siblings and whether or not to even tell my mother. She's 79, in declining health because she still smokes heavily, and based on our family history where all the other smokers died in their late 70s to mid-80s (while the non-smokers lived to be nearly 100), my brother thinks she may have less than 5 years left anyway. If necessary, I could continue presenting male in front of her for the foreseeable future. I'm presenting male currently and don't expect to go full-time for another 15-18 months and even after full-time, I could make an exception for her.

So this was good news for a Sunday. This also is going to throw my eldest son a curveball, as I know he thought that he could try to get my brother to "convince" me not to transition. However, my brother is a medical professional and a lot more aware of these issues than my son.

[Guest amanda_s]

LizMarie great news glade for you

Amanda