Came out to everyone but work - that is tomorrow

[Guest Eh-lyssa]

So last week I came out to the two local clubs I am involved in and out of the 100 or so members in one club about 30 replied and all were positive. Later the same week I went in girl mode to a meeting and was well received and even got a hug.

So I decided it is time to come out at work this week. I work at a very large multinational company who's headquarters are overseas. Our local division has around 1000 employees in the Dallas TX area. My gender therapist seems to think that things will go OK but I can't help but have butterflies in my stomach mostly because when I was laid off in 2002 I went unemployed for over a year. Texas has no non discrimination law, although my company has a non discrimination policy it says nothing about gender identity. Also my health insurance through my employer has a transgender exclusion spelled out pretty specifically. What's weird is the project that I work on is based in San Francisco and there they have a different health insurance that does not have a trans exclusion in their plan. I spend 100% of my time telecommuting from Dallas to San Francisco. I have been with my current employer for about 6 and 1/2 years.

I plan on talking with the head of HR tomorrow and then arrange a meeting between my boss, HR and myself or some part thereof a bit after that and (assuming all goes OK) allow them some time to get whatever prep they need to do together.

I am also planning to get FFS some time later this year. I may try to time it just prior to my employer announcing to the rest of the staff in our group.

Any words of advice? Anything I should bring with me? Things to discuss?

Alyssa

[Guest Miss Jessica]

I don't personally have any words of advice, since I have yet to say anything to my employer. As a matter of fact, I'm still considering when and how I will do that myself. But I do wish you the best!

[Guest Madison Leigh]

Not really "advice" as I haven't broached it at work - but good luck and you have my best wishes that it goes well.

I'm getting ready to address things at work as well. We're a very small company so we don't have a HR department so I'm going directly to my boss. He's on vacation so I'm planning on doing so Monday. I also "telecompute" - he's based near Boston and I'm in the Midwest so it won't be face to face which I think would be better; but I guess we will see.

Madison

[Guest Eh-lyssa]

So I talked to a HR rep today at work and it went ok. The guy I've talked to before was on vacation so I talked to someone else. She was very compassionate and reassured me that I would not be discriminated against. She has not had any prior experience with someone that's TG coming out at work there so she didn't seem to be too clear on what to do other than to make a meeting between either her and my boss or me and my boss or all 3 of us. I opted for all 3 to make it a bit easier on me because my boss and I don't always see eye to eye. So she is going to setup a meeting between all 3 of us next week.

Luckily I had come prepared. I had printed off the TG in the workplace document (from HRC.org) that is pointed to be a sticky in this forum and gave it to her and she seemed happy that I gave her that info. I also gave her the letter my therapist wrote that outlined my transition plan. We also talked about taking time off for FFS and SRS later and she said that I may be able to use my short term disability for that. I also asked about our health insurance and its trans exclusion and how our California division doesn't have that. She said she would look into that but also brought up moving to California. Not really what I wanted to hear.

Anyhow we'll see next week how the meeting with the boss goes. Hopefully that goes ok.

[Carolyn Marie]

Eh-Lyssa, here is a link to a document that may be very helpful to your HR folks: http://www.hrc.org/files/assets/resources/HRC_Foundation_-_Transgender_Inclusion_in_the_Workplace_2nd_Edition_-_2008.pdf

In addition, my transition team prepared an excellent TG 101 Powerpoint presentation that was very well received. I can't post it, but if you PM me your e-mail address, I can send it to you if you like. It contains some details on state law and my own city's regulations that won't pertain to you, but you can edit or remove whatever slides don't work for you. i wish you all the best.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Eh-lyssa]

Eh-Lyssa, here is a link to a document that may be very helpful to your HR folks: http://www.hrc.org/files/assets/resources/HRC_Foundation_-_Transgender_Inclusion_in_the_Workplace_2nd_Edition_-_2008.pdf

In addition, my transition team prepared an excellent TG 101 Powerpoint presentation that was very well received. I can't post it, but if you PM me your e-mail address, I can send it to you if you like. It contains some details on state law and my own city's regulations that won't pertain to you, but you can edit or remove whatever slides don't work for you. i wish you all the best.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

Yup. That's the PDF I printed and gave to her today. The one you linked to Carolyn. I'll pm you my email so you can send me the PowerPoint too.

Alyssa

[Guest Eh-lyssa]

One other thing. When I stepped into the HR rep's office she said you sure look a lot different than your picture. Yeah... About that. That's kinda why I am here.

Oh and I forgot to mention that the HR rep looked up my last performance review in which I mentioned my dad coming down with cancer and not having much longer to live. She brought up my dad and I lost it. I broke into tears right there.

[JJ]

It sounds like it is going well. This is so new to people that they are often thrown by it, but it does sound like they want to work with you and make it as good as possible.

I'm glad for you and wish you all the best

Johnny

[Guest]

Hi Eh-lyssa,

First of all - Congratulations! You've made it!

Carolyn Marie's powerpoint gave me many ideas for my transition on the job last September. I hope it works as well for you.

For my job, I composed a short letter with a brochure attached and sent it out in e-mail form to around 100 coworkers. I sent it in the evening prior to a day off, and, while I was completing name changes the next day, my boss talked to my closest coworkers in small groups. In the weeks prior to my transition, however, a close coworker went around privately and let many people know what was coming. It was mostly a non-event when it finally happened, except for the butterflies in my stomach! But the butterflies quickly calmed down - it became mostly routine after just a day or two.

The url for the brochure is: http://www.apa.org/topics/sexuality/transgender.pdf

All the best to you, honey! If you have questions, please feel free to ask!

Love, Megan

[Guest Eh-lyssa]

I had another meeting at work. This time between myself, the HR person and my boss. My boss took the news pretty well and seem very supportive wanted to know how I wanted to drive the process. I told her that I wanted her to tell my coworkers and then I would come in after and answer any questions. The meeting with my coworkers is being setup for early next week, After coming out to my coworkers I will be full time! Yay! I hate having to switch to boy mode now and the less I have to do it the better.

[Guest Shari]

YAY for You Eh-Lyssa! You are almost there.

I am right behind you.

Hug,

Shari

[Guest KerryUK]

Hi Eh-lyssa,

I am following your posts with interest - at some point I will need to come out at work too (I guess it will probably be the middle of 2013 or there abouts). So, I wish you all the best and please do keep letting us know how you are getting on. You know? I think our fear is our worst enemy at times - it seems that much of what we fear never seems to actually happen, we are all just sooooo scared.

Hugs

K x.

[Guest Eh-lyssa]

I am following your posts with interest - at some point I will need to come out at work too (I guess it will probably be the middle of 2013 or there abouts). So, I wish you all the best and please do keep letting us know how you are getting on. You know? I think our fear is our worst enemy at times - it seems that much of what we fear never seems to actually happen, we are all just sooooo scared.

I know what you mean by fear and I have let it control my life for too long. About 15 years ago I thought about seeing a therapist and going on HRT but fear kept me from getting any further. As I got older my dysphoria got stronger and stronger and my fear became less powerful. Eventually I decided I can wait no longer and took the first permanent steps. In my case it was getting IPL on my face. Soon after that (now 40 years old) I came out to my wife and she was shocked but supportive, although not totally shocked because I did many things before that she knew like put makeup on, get acrylic nails, wax my brows, color my hair. I told her I want to see a gender therapist and go on HRT, which I did. I slowly started showing my girl side more and more at home and told our son (8 years old) after a few months. The more she saw how happy I was expressing the girl inside me, the more she accepted it. Other people around me too could see the change in emotion. I went from being depressed and distant to being happy and warm. About 6 weeks ago I came out to all the rest of my family and that went well. 2 weeks ago I came out to all the local people I know (except work) Last week I came out to my boss and that went ok too. It really helps to have support and I think it helps that the people I have as friends are intelligent and open minded.

It hasn't been all roses though. There were some times my wife was having trouble adjusting, the thought of now being a lesbian all of a sudden is jarring for her, but she is transitioning along with me - now that is love.

I have been looking into FFS lately because I would like to be able to pass without putting on tons of makeup everyday and right now I don't seem to be able to do that. So far I have consulted with 4 doctors (Dr. Z, Dr. Raphael, Dr. Cardenas, Dr Di Maggio and I am leaning toward Dr. Di Maggio right now due to the consistent, good results he gets.

Anyhow the main coming out at work (to all my co workers) is tomorrow and my boss is telling them and I will talk to them after. Hopefully it all goes well. My boss asked me how I thought they would react and I told her that I didn't know and before I came out to my family I didn't really know but I suspected some would go better than others. It turned out all my fears were unfounded like my conservative religious brother was pretty accepting, albiet misinformed about transitioning.

Wish me luck tomorrow.

Alyssa

[Guest Eh-lyssa]

Well, I had the meeting with my coworkers. My boss conducted the meeting and let the news out and it went well so far. Initial reactions can be deceiving sometimes. Out of the 30 or so people in the meeting, a couple people talked to me after. One in person and one by email about supporting me in my transition. Initially I was going to be out of the room for the announcement but just before my manager and I decided it would be OK if I was present for the whole thing. There were no gasps in the room and the peoples faces I did see didn't seem to have looks of contempt or disgust or anything. It was very quick and was basically over in about 5 minutes. HR is still working on name change stuff like my name plate on my cube, email address, login ID, badge photo and name. They can't update my HR record or paystubs until the legal name change goes through which I will work on next. Now since everyone in my life knows about my transition, there are no more secrets to keep and I feel safe now to post a photo so I'll upload some of my recent photos (8 months on HRT, 40 years old).

Hope everyone has a smooth transition.

Alyssa

[Guest Eh-lyssa]

I forgot another thing, I was in girl mode all the time outside of work for the past month, before that it was intermittent. Starting tomorrow I will be going full time. Yay! I have slowly been building my new wardrobe and at the same time getting rid of the guy clothes. I have already gotten rid of all the poorly fitting guy pants and underwear. Now I am working on replacing the rest.

[Carolyn Marie]

That's fantastic news, Eh-Lyssa!

I'm glad for you that it went so smoothly. I hope that continues in the coming days and weeks. I'm surious as to whether there were any questions or concerns about restroom access? That seems to always be one of the top issues. It will take you colleagues time to get your name and pronouns right, so please be patient with them. Good luck!

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Eh-lyssa]

That's fantastic news, Eh-Lyssa!

I'm glad for you that it went so smoothly. I hope that continues in the coming days and weeks. I'm surious as to whether there were any questions or concerns about restroom access? That seems to always be one of the top issues. It will take you colleagues time to get your name and pronouns right, so please be patient with them. Good luck!

Carolyn Marie

Strangely enough the question about bathrooms did not come up during the meeting with coworkers. Maybe everyone was too shell shocked to speak, after all they have worked with me for 7 years. I did talk to HR about the bathrooms issue and at my workplace there is a family/unisex bathroom near the men's and women's bathrooms so I volunteered to use that for now. I expect lots of slip ups on name and pronouns since they've known me for a number of years.

Alyssa

[Charlize]

Sounds like a wonderful start at being you full time. I know the difficultly of changing back and forth between genders. It was almost worse than post purge times. I hated that change and the way it made me feel so i'm so glad that will be behind you as well. Congratulations you seem to have done your homework well and can begin to move on.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest KerryUK]

That's wonderful Eh-lyssa,

I'm really happy for you. You are further ahead than me as I said before but I will say - everything you seem to be doing is exactly how I am doing it, so far things are going well for me too. Keep us posted on how you get on girl, I honestly will read with interest. Thanks for posting.

Hugs

K x.

[Guest Eh-lyssa]

So I ran into one bump in the road today at work. The one bathroom that I am authorized to use was being cleaned right when the call of nature arrived. I searched high and low all over the complex for a similar alternate one person bathroom but couldn't find one. I was able to hold it this time but I don't know if I could always hold it. I asked the HR rep if there is another bathroom I could use in case a similar event happened but I haven't heard back yet. Other aspects of the work transition have been going well. The only other kink is that the technical part of changing my name and associated user IDs (probably more than a dozen accounts) is still ongoing although it is mostly done. They even got my cube nameplate updated.

[Carolyn Marie]

I'm glad things are going well for you, Eh-Lyssa. I would keep on top of your HR folks, as you need an answer and a solution ASAP.

This whole restroom thing leaves me more exasperated that almost anything else related to transition. Managers are soooo concerned about the feelings of co-workers, and so seemingly oblivious to the feelings and needs of the trans-person. In almost every instance, after a time or two, everyone adjusts to it, and it becomes a nothing issue. What would management do if a colleague said, "I can't go into the bathroom when xxxxxx is there, because she is African-American." Would they be so quick to tell that employee, "sorry, you make so and so uncomfortable, so would you mind....?" I don't think so.

Good luck, hon.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Eh-lyssa]

HR told me there is no other single occupant bathroom but it is OK for me to use the women's bathroom. So next time that's what I'll do if the same thing happens again.