I'm back and I'm feeling awful lately *trigger?

[Guest Thorndrop]

Hi. Most people here probably won't remember me since I prefer to avoid these sorts of forums in general, for personal reasons. I'm only back because I'm extremely bothered by something and need to vent/relate to people.

Well I'll say the good stuff first. Feel free to skip, but I'm trying to think of positive things too.

I've been at uni this past year and it's been great. I've made awesome friends who I don't have to hide myself around and who aren't judgemental of me. That alone feels amazing and is something I thought I'd never experience. I went to Pride with them for the first time this summer. Here I am: we were in the parade with people from the LGBT group at uni.

...

Anyway.

Not so good stuff.

Early in my transition - aged around 16ish - I had anorexic tendancies. Now I binge eat sometimes. I hate it. I feel disgusting. I've put on 10lbs since I was last weighed (doctors, sometime earlier this year - I had to have a check-up before they could refer me anywhere) and am now around

114 lbs

which for me personally feels like a lot. Since gaining weight, my periods have come back, which also makes me feel disgusting. It'd been at least a year since I last had one, and now they appear to becoming regular again. I hate it. I hate even the thought of any weight going to my chest and my hips. I hate that my body isn't completely flat and boyish. When I was skinny, I had less dysphoria. I desperately want to get back to being that way, because I feel so awful like this. It's really affecting me. I've felt really rubbish and unmotivated to do anything all summer. Being at home away from my uni friends doesn't help. I have nothing to take my mind off these feelings here. I desperately hope that when I do return in September that i can lose the weight again. I find it easier to not eat as much if I have lots of stuff to do. But then again, my biggest fear is gaining more weight. I'm not expecting to be on hormones any time in the near future, but I'm terrified of the thought that it'll make me gain more weight as some guys have said.

[Guest 101remington7]

I know how you feel. I am also anorexic. Unfortunately I can not give you tips but I just want to say, please talk to your doctor about this. He or she can help.

[Guest angels wings]

Just a thought I had I was reading your post . Read it about five times feeling I didn't have any advice but maybe this might help . Have you thought of eating healthy and doing weights and some exercise ? If you don't eat healthy you will find you may develop other problems . The important thing is to be healthy and happy . Do you have a counsellor or therapist you could talk too?

Congratulations on your first year at uni so happy to read you have understanding friends . Thanks for the update . Please take care

Angel

[JJ]

Are you seeing a therapist? Once rooted these issues can be very difficult to deal with and your own perception of how you look will be skewed. Sometimes a lot.You are no longer a child but an adult and by staying underweight can be doing permanent damage to your body you will later regret, And if you are thin enough to forestall breast development it sounds like you are too thin, There are other ways that are far safer, Nut again these are very complex issues with potentially lethal outcomes and I urge you to see a gender therapist and get a handle on it,

You do look too thin to me in the pic. There comes a time when to us that looks more boyish but to others looks fragile and more female as your age shows in your face but not in your body. Men have heavier bones usually and just don't have that fragile gamin look, It's so hard though. I know that.

BTW the weight you gain on T is muscle and if you do gain it isn't in that layer of female fat but completely different, You can control your weight easier on T in some ways too because your metabolism is different and exercise feels better too, At least to me, I lost 200 lbs since starting transition in January 2011 and most of that was after starting T in March 2011, T does not have to mean weight gain, Especially not the negative kind you are picturing. But I have heard numerous times that Drs will not prescribe T sometimes if you have an active eating disorder. Because of it's impact on your health the eating disorder has to be under control and you need to be at a healthy weight first.

So please get help for your own peace and safety and health

Johnny

[Guest Thorndrop]

Thanks everyone. I'm not seeing a therapist or anyone. I am making a genuine and active effort to stop being like this though. I don't want to get any thinner than I was, but the idea of gaining weight (particularly fat, muscle would be welcome since I have practically none of it) scares me. It goes right to the areas I don't want it to go to. I should know - I was overweight in my early teens. Looking back, the only thing that actually stopped any undereating disorder I may have had before was the realisation of the trans thing. I realised that the only reason I was doing it was because I wanted to not have curves. For me at least, I realise that my weight and the amount of dysphoria I get are very closely linked. I know it's not ideal. And while I realise that I might be 'too thin' for an average guy my age and height, comparing myself to girls around me, I often see them as looking smaller than me. And I do have a chest, but the point is that it's small enough to go unnoticed, depending on what I'm wearing. So I don't have to bother binding every day if I don't want to.