Justifying Things To Extended Family

[Guest tsubasa]

Hello All,

I'm not sure where to post this, but hopefully this is the right place.

When I came out to my parents 6 (7?) years ago, things went about as I'd thought. I lost everything. However, I never came out to my extended family at my parents' request.

Here's the catch: doing so would make life hell for my mom. I don't want her to have to live through that shame, but at the same time, I'd like to explain to my extended family why I'm not giving out my new address and why I haven't talked to any of them in 4 years or so. There are also some practical concerns: my grandma sometimes sends cash through the mail and I wouldn't want her sending cash to my old address.

I just absolutely hate the way things have to be. They miss their favorite academic star grandson, and I miss them too. But he never really existed. I know for absolute certain that they would never accept a transsexual. Being Christian fundamentalists, they'll blame me for trying to break up the family and bring demons into their houses. Some of them might even pool together to hire a deprogrammer to kidnap me since I'm getting closer to being able to start living as a woman. I know for certain they'll blame my lack of success so far in life on being trans and invoke the parable of the talents to show how if I won't go to hell for being trans, I'll surely go to hell for not being rich. (I don't make minimum wage, but they all expected with my grades I'd easily make a 6 figure income, at which I've failed.)

Any advice on breaking contact with extended family without telling them the reason?

[Sally]

I have no advice as to how, but it seems necessary!

I hate whenpeople use religion as a means of forcing their will on someone else and calling it 'God's' will!

Failure in their eyes is a monetary thing - don't let them tall you that you are a failure! Do you like what you do? If not then change jobs, if you do - be happy!

I would go into detail as to what all happened, but I don't want to post so much detail as to reveal my current identity - after I finish my divorce and have come out to my freinds, I'll tell all, because it won't matter then, but I was at my very happiest during a year when I was unemployed and working little part time jobs here and there! I was foor the first time not a slave to a time clock and I loved it - I spent my free time helping other people and it was great! Then I became financially resposable again and I have never been truely happy since.

The point is be yourself and that is all you need to be!

If the 'fundamentalist' give you a hard time about money, remind them that Jesus had more than one thing to say about money - and the 'Great Comission' doesn't refer to a percentage!

Good luck and with a group that you fear would turn to kidnapping - getting away seems like the best option.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Tough one - this really doesn't have an easy answer that I can see, but maybe some of the better brains here can come up with something.

All I can think of is maybe you can talk with your mom again, since you say she'd be affected the most.

Have you gotten anywhere close to your goal? If you are obviously changing, then the question is answed, you are not the same person. If you are still in the 'maybe' stage it makes it harder.

Do people still kidnap their own family members? If you are of age, file charges if that happens. If you are under age and that happens then contact the media, then see if you can find a lawyer and a protective services represenative.

[Guest Amanda L Richards]

Hello Tsubasa,

I hope I spelled that right. I was really busy during Christmas, and after New Years. So I am sorry this is late, but once I read it I felt you could use another angle.

I may not be able to provide something that you could use. Especially since you said you miss your extended family also. In my situation, I came from a very deeply steeped religious family as well and everything you said they would say, was what I heard also.

I broke contact with my family quite some time ago. My circumstances involved not being wanted by my mother, and my gender issue probably complicated things even more. Since we didn't get along, they were always citing god to be the solution to my "problem" But not so nicely. I just got sick of it after trying numerous times to approach this from different angles and approaches, but they would have nothing of it. My father wasn't making as big of deal out of it and he didn't say anything about it either. That was ok, but one year he got sick and passed on and I had had enough especially when I thought he died and left me with them, so I just left.

I made more efforts afterwards to come to some understanding but they wouldn't budge so now I have given up on trying to get their acceptance.

In fact when you think abuot it, it is nice to have "your" family, extended or otherwise in yuor life to share this journey with you, but it is ultimately your life and especially when you start to grow, you need your independance from them to go your own way, so you would eventually be better off just forgiving them for their lack of understanding in this and allowing your lfe to move forward the way nature intended it to be.

I hope this was of some help. I do understand the pain involved in not having a family share your life with you, but you can't hold yourself back, you will be infinitely more miserable than you are now.

sound good?

Good luck with your decision, and remember, your heart is yours to listen to, it knows you better than anyone else.

Luv

Amanda LR