I think my mom knows, want to come out, don't know how to do it

[Guest ErinJade]

I haven't been on the message board in some time... I guess thinking about this really triggers my anxiety. Anyway, my mother recently asked me if I were trans; specifically asked if I were 'like' this other person she knows. I really hate lying to my parents, so it became really difficult for me to say anything, so I ended up just being quiet the whole time. She then asked me again, right then, and I just couldn't say anything. So basically I think she knows now but... isn't saying anything about it? She might not want to think about it, I'm not sure. But I can't just let that question hang, and it's been long enough. I think I need to tell her tomorrow, and dad afterwards. I just have no idea how to instigate that conversation, or how to tell dad afterwards. I think mom's reaction will be lighter than dad's. I'm not sure how dad will react, exactly. He's been mentioning my long hair recently, which has been growing for about a year and is about 4 inches below my shoulders now. Does anyone have any advice? I've choked every time the past few days, since she talked to me about it. I just need to let her know. I don't think my dad would sit through a letter, either... I don't know how he'd react to the letter, actually. Just any advice at all would be incredibly, desperately appreciated.

Thank you in advance!

[Guest angels wings]

Hello Erin (((((((hugs)))))) I can only imagine how scared your feeling . What I think maybe a good idea is to write a letter to your parents . Give It to mum first , she can then have a chat to dad when she is ready . Here is a link on how others have expressed themselves . Grab some ideas and let it flow .

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showforum=57

Angel

[Paula ult]

Your mom may see something in you that she sees in that person she knows that is trans, you could start by saying, you know the other day when you asked me if i was trans, you could say that you are confused and are not sure what is going on, if she has done any research or talked to her friend on the subject she may want you to see a gender therapist, the therapist can make a diagnosis and tell your parents.

Paula

[Guest ErinJade]

I actually am seeing a therapist and they know about her, but they think it's just about depression. Thank you though, that does sound like an at least decent way to open it up, and it's not like it's not true anyways.

FYI: The person she knows is also somewhat difficult to get along with, so I'm hoping that's not translating into what she thinks every trans person is like.

I appreciate the advice to try writing a letter, but I don't know if that's really the best way to do it in my situation. If it comes to it and I just can not find myself able to say anything, I might write something down for her though.

I really hate making mom the first 'bearer' of this news, but like you're saying here, I think it's probably the best way to break the news, maybe. I can talk to mom at least; if dad gets strange as a result of the news I don't know if I'd be able to get a word in (if it were just by myself).

Thank you all for being here, ready to talk about things. I'm still open for help! If it happens tomorrow, I'll update this with how it went. I'm going to say that it'll happen, but I'm a nervous wreck, so who knows really

[Guest angels wings]

Try and relax lovey . It seems that she already knows . I think she will be prepared she seems to have had some clues and hopefully has learnt what this all means . That means she could just be waiting for you , trying to give you some space and not pressure you .

You are more than welcomed to share lovey . We are here for you .

Angel

[Guest]

I may have Mom pegged wrong, but I don't think she is poised for an attack. As has been said, I think her approach is love. If she thinks she has you clocked, she has been preparing herself for that "Yes" answer. That will not be an out of the blue bomb shell. Don't expect her not to have any feelings though. She may be a scared as you. She has opened the door.

I'm much older and have been raising my own family for years, but I told my Mother by having a good girl-girl conversation, while my Dad was away on an errand. The topic flowed in as to why my manner of dress and styles have changed. Then it got to heavier stuff. We have a lot more girl-girl conversations since then and I think my Mom welcomes that. They are not doing handsprings about the new me, but it is not a battle ground. I think your Mom may need a little time to coach Dad, so ask her what she thinks his reaction will be. Girls stick together, so work with her not against her.

But hey, what do I know? As for anyone, go with your inner feelings on this one. Hug. Jody

[Guest ErinJade]

Thank you so much, everyone who replied.

As tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and we're hosting it, I sorta forgot how busy we were today. I feel like I can't really let her know while there's so much to do... like, I feel like doing that right now will... i don't know, if she gets depressed or something she might not want to continue cooking and whatnot and... I dunno, if you understand what I'm saying here.

Maybe I'm chickening out on it, I dunno. I didn't tell her today, again. I might have to wait until next week, or something. I feel so rotten right now.

Dad's not in a great mood, either, with his job and everything right now. I'm so afraid that this is just going to end in tears and I'll have to take up someone's offer to go stay at their house for a bit or something extra horrible like being kicked out or something. I really need to do it but I just don't know how to make that step.

I think the idea of the girl-girl conversation might work, if she's feeling good enough that she'd join in with it. I'm not much of a girl-girl type but that sort of conversation might be a good way to lead into it. Thank you

She does more than likely know though. She's the kind of person to deny everything about something if it makes her feel better about it, but in a particularly innocent and not-realizing-she's-doing-it sort of way. I hope that she's more on the side of "just let me know, not knowing is the worst" instead of the "oh gosh this isn't happening, I will pretend it's not happening" side.

There's still time before dad comes home though. Maybe I can figure out how to say it before he comes back while I'm helping her in the kitchen.

Thanks again so much for the replies here, everyone.

[Guest]

One little something, don't over rehearse it all. Listen and communicate. Have you ever told her all the qualities about her that you like? You know they were passed down to you too. Maybe in some ways you want to be just like her? You could have many of those little conversations and if you are not fixated on dreading telling her and what to say, it will just pop out of you. Maybe. There again, please take me with a grain of salt. My mom and I got a lot closer as she shared what she has had to go through with my Dad in 67 years of marriage. She is teaching me how to lovingly navigate my Dad. Charm to disarm Kiddo. Hug. Jody

[Guest ErinJade]

Update: Here, I made a new thread: http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=51872

I did tell them on Tuesday. Thanks for all the well wishing and ideas... I ended up just sort of leading into it with my mom, and then she kinda helped me tell dad (though she won't admit it; I can't imagine how else dad would've started asking me about my therapist like that though without someone saying something though, lol).

Thanks again everone.

FWIW: I made the other thread b/c I guess this title isn't very accurate anymore. I dunno if that's how you're supposed to do these things but I thought it made sense.