how do you let go?

[Guest jennabre96]

Hi! I'm sure this has been discussed before, yet I can't seem to locate where, so I apologize ahead of time if it is repetitive.

How do you let go? How do I remove the vail that has protected and kept the real me seperated from the world for all these yrs? How do I, myself, let go of my own beliefs that I formed growing up about men and women? My own self made stereotypes to suppress my true self from surfacing?

Sadly, like so many, I knew from a very young age I was different. I thought one way and acted one way. That way though was not acceptable due to I was in mind girl, yet boy in body. My parents, family, friends, and society in general all criticized and condemned. Gay. Sweetie. Homo. I'm disgusting. I'm worthless. I'm going to hell. I was abused and ostracized. So, I would assume, in a form of self preservation I adapted.

I was blessed with amazing athletic skills. I loved to run. Volleyball. Softball. Yet, for reasons I will never ever understand, maybe because the last 2 were girl sports in my schools, I was gay for playing them. So I started football and to weightlift. Just to make the gay harassment stop. The abuse from my dad stop. To have a friend. It worked. For a little while. I was very good at football. The muscles and strength came. Which made me a man in my dads eyes and not gay in others. I hated it but it seemed to comfort others.

Obviously I couldn't completely hide myself for long. The dressing soon came back. Though under cover. All my time outside of sports was spent either in school work. Shopping, cooking and housecleaning with my mother, grandmother and aunts. Spending time with my older sister and her friends. So just as obvious, the abuse came back. And with that a vicious evil circle was started. Then an even more evil categorizing in my mind of what is girl and what is boy. What is and is not acceptable was formed. Boy good. Girl bad. And I tried to kill the real me. It was an insane and completely unrealistic way to view the world, but it helped get me through my teens and twenties.

I must clarify, in no way was it easy. I just couldn't fully suppress myself. My other abilities, and learning how to hide it, just made it difficult for others to see. In my late twenties and early thirties(I'm now 35), it started to fall apart. As society was changing and becoming a more gender neutral society. My guy/girl classifying mindset no longer was relevant. I could no longer say this is only for girls or guys. My mind started to form a "mutiny" of sorts. And to calm the disgruntled " passenger", I let it have more say. More freedom.

Now, at 35, my world is completely opposite. Now I'm letting me finally live. I'm no longer , willingly, am suppressing my real self. Yet I'm scared. I want to, but I just can't seem to let go of the fake me. I put it on whenever I'm in a situation where I know there is a chance of harassment or others would be uncomfortable by the real me. I am now controlled by fear. Whether realistic or not, the fear is real. How do I let go?

[Guest Robin Winter]

If you figure it out, let me know

I can only say that it takes time, and a lot of reflection.

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's. Please take a moment to read the terms and conditions you will find at the bottom of any page.

As to your question.... I also do not know. In my case i started to go out as me in stealth. I am not gay not that that's important but i did go to gay bars. I had a drinking problem as well. Gay bars allowed me to become comfortable in myself while out but mostly while drunk. I met a woman there who was dating another trans person. We became friends and i went out with her as well and was not always drunk. I have been in a 12 step program for alcohol for almost 6 years now and have been blessed with sobriety. Honesty is also stressed with sayings like "be true to yourself" Well 4 years into it i went to a womens's meeting as my female self and was accepted. Since then i have gradually moved through the difficulties and am now living happily as myself.

I think honesty is key. Just let yourself be yourself. Hard at first but so rewarding! Its was almost like surgery in the pain but also in the saving of this life.

Hope that helps. Keep us posted. Also i would recommend seeing a gender therapist (GT) to explore your path with someone who has helped others.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest KarenLyn]

I don't think there are any easy answers. Have you considered seeing a gender therapist? That is their purpose after all.

[JJ]

Time. That is the only answer I have found. Identity is so much more than just gender and yet gender affects almost every aspect in some way. And we have to radically shift many aspects of identity that we have internalized. For me personally physical transition was the easy part. Others see me as male all the time now but I have to reform and relearn an inner identity . Integrate what I separated for decades and live as myself in the world instead of in my head alone. It's hard to capture in words. But I believe that it is the heart of transition, What it is really all about. While I was transitioning physically I had that as my focus. Gave me something concrete with goals to focus on. When that was accomplished as far as how I was perceived then the real struggle began

One thing that helped me is just to accept that I have been socialized and conditioned -socialized and conditioned myself for that matter-to act against who I really was. Think about how small habits like having a cup of coffee at a certain time can be so automatic and hard to change. We are changing something much bigger and much more complex but just as much habitual in many ways.Sometimes I even stop and think it would be easier to quit fighting it and just go back to that persona. But when I think that I remember how trapped I felt and how unhappy I really was, I reach for the inner me instead.The me that has also been internalizing many male patterns and behaviors that just need to be freed rather than blocked now.

My daughter recently told me T changed and is changing me-speaking about behavior and personality and not physically. I corrected her. It wasn't T. It was and is learning to let go and be myself that is changing me. Becoming who I have been all along but learning to release it It is a process. A frequently uncomfortable one but deeply rewarding at the same time. You had to learn to be that false person and now you have to learn to be you.

Takes time but it WILL happen if you keep working at it

Johnny

[Guest LizMarie]

Time, and the personal choice that you are going to let go. It won't happen overnight and hasn't for me, but I am becoming more confident in me, than in my mask. It's slow and I congratulate myself as well as my closest friends encouraging me too. And on that note, try to find friends who will encourage and support you in being yourself.

[Guest KimberlyF]

You do not build a building with the top floor first. You start at the bottom very small and work up. Everything isn't done at once.

[Guest jennabre96]

Thanks for replying. It helped so much. I thought a lot after I posted and I realized I'm terrified of the unknown. I'm not afraid to shed the excess. It's a very liberating feeling. I'm afraid of the consequences.Thankfully a new and hopefully very different therapist who will not just be treating the gender issues.

[Guest CassieX]

For me, I don't think so much about acting more like a guy or girl. My therapist asked me recently what kind of woman I would like to be. I looked at her and told her, I don't want to become anyone else. I am me, and me is who I am. I always thought of those things that I did to conform in certain social settings as masks that I would wear to fit in, not as things that defined me. Now I am throwing away the masks, one mask at a time, baby steps. Bob would be proud..>

[Guest]

JennaBre!

There is no magic wand that lets you go.

You simply "know" when it's time to let go.

However the sooner the better. imho

It is all your individual journey.

Huggs,

Joann

[Guest michelehaber]

Hi JennaBre,

I am just starting my transition and have an appointment to get on hormones in a few weeks. I have a MA in counseling psychology and I am scared of the journey a head. But I know if I do not journey now -- this living as NOT my true self will continue to make me ill with unhealthy stress. Just be out on this forum is a good start and there is support here. Now a year ago my therapist wrote me my letter for HRT and I have been slow to act on it until recently because of fear. The new psychology DSM book is coming out this year and gender identity has been moved as a disorder, so you will no longer need a therapist letter to seek medical help--HRT, SRS, etc. It will be up to the physician who you seek treatment. Gender identity will remain in the new DSM as some thing that people could be suffering depression, anxiety and stress due to family, society and cultural mistreatment of people who identify as transgender. Our society view of gender roles is definitely been the main reason I've stressed and waited so long. Best wishes on your journey - Michele