Coming Out to Best Friend

[Guest Sarah_H]

Hi,

I am really feeling the need to come out to my best friend. He will be only the second person that I have come out to so far, but he's one of the most important people in my life.

"L" lives and works on the European mainland for most of the year and only comes home at Christmas for a month or so. He's due back any day now and this is my only chance to talk to him face to face for another year, so there is a sense of urgency for me. I'm very scared of loosing him. We have been friends for 25 years, since I was 16. He's the only person that has stood by me for so long and we are fiercely loyal to each other.

I think out of my friends he will be the most receptive and understanding. He knows something is wrong with me, before he left last January he told me that he didn't understand me anymore. This was caused by me abandoning my "male interests", such as fishing and watching motor sports. He thinks my taste in music, film and television has changed, but it hasn't. I'm just not hiding it anymore. He can't understand why I now have artists such as Katy Perry, Beyonce, Kelly Clarkson, Rhihanna and The Saturdays in my music collection and I don't listen to my "male" music anymore. What really confuses him is that I haven't had or even wanted a girlfiend in over seven years, when I work in an office full of women.

He nearly caught me dressed as myself last time he was in the country. He came to my house unexpectedly, he knew I was at home but couldn't understand why I wouldn't answer the door. He just kept knocking and waiting for twenty minutes, whilst I hurredly changed clothes and removed my makeup. When I finally opened the door, he was quite annoyed. He told me he didn't care what I was doing. He said to me that we are friends for life and that I could tell him anything. I deeply regret not telling him about me being transgender at that point.

I know there will never be a "right time", but do you think it would be better to come out to him the first time that I see him, or in the New Year just before he is going away again?

I feel that if I were to wait and tell him in the New Year, it is cowardly and doesn't give chance for him to ask me questions or for me to educate him about what being transgender really means. I therefore think it would best to tell him the first time I see him, so he can get used to the concept of me being a woman, I can answer his questions in full and hopefully retain his friendship. The big plus side to me coming in the New Year is that it doesn't ruin his Christmas holidays in the UK.

I'm planning to come out to him dressed as a male, I don't want to shock the life out of him by confronting him "en femme" as soon as he walks through my door (ha ha). I think that would only serve to frighten him off.

What I find frightening is that I have read a number of times in various posts that often the people that you think will be supportive are not, and that the people you think will not accept you are the most supportive.

I suspect that "L" will be angry at me for not being honest with him for all this time, but he deserves to know the truth about me and in time hopefully meet the complete person. I hope he understands that I am the same person inside, but that I am also a nice caring girly girl (who loves shoes).

Everytime I watch a film called "Different for Girls", it makes me think of my friend "L" and I.

The other issue that preys on my mind is the question of whether or not I should hold off completely coming out to anymore people until I have attended my first Psychiatric appointment and cleared as "not crazy" by a medical professional. I know what I am though, I'm a woman and no doctor is ever going to convince me of anything else. I also feel it would be a negative step, if I were to stop the momentum of my progression at this point in time.

Love,

Sarah.

xxxxx

[Guest Robin Winter]

Well...I have advice to offer, but I would still give it some serious consideration before you decide what to do. You know the situation better than I do.

That being said....I think it might be best to tell him early. Not only does this give him time for questions...but it also gives him the opportunity to really think about it. If you tell him just before he leaves, he may react unfavorably immediately because of the shock, but think it over and maybe decide it's not really a big deal. If he doesn't have time to get past his first reaction, you may both regret that you didn't have more time.

Ultimately this is something you have to decide, but that's my two cents.

[Guest mistygirl7]

I have to agree with shilo, now may be the best time, cause you never know how far along you may be till next and you are much more different than you were today. To tell him now will give him time to adjust until he's see you again and there won't be any awkwardness like theres an elephant in the room. Just be honest and get the questions going.

[Guest otter-girl]

Hi.

Lay the whole load on him as soon as you are alone together. A true friend is only a true friend if they can accept the real you. Now this is easy for me to say but its what I did a month ago with my SOs teenage son. It worked out and it opened the door to being more of me when he is around. I did start by saying I want to tell you something thats pretty big and a fair bit complicated but if you can help by letting me get as much of it out as possible before you ask anything.....So....

Anyway. good luck. If it works then wonderful, if not then did you really know them?

Rachel

[Guest]

I don't know the time frame, but I'm trying to try on your shoes. I think I would greet him as usual and before parting give him a gift that is a do open until Christmas. Then the next time I saw him I would tell him, just before Christmas day. You will have to take a chance on the intial reaction. The Christmas gift and a friendship card may be a peace offering that he already has in hand. If it goes well, you have until the New Year to communicate. If it does not go well, he has a year to work through it. You could try communicating with letters through the coming year. I hope it works out super. Hug. JodyAnn

[Guest (Lightsider)]

I wish you the best. But I need to be realistic here and advise you to prepare yourself for rejection. I have endured it a lot. I have even endured the boomerang effect. Where at first they accepted me then days later they rejected me. My Dad was one who did that. Just guard yourself. hugs.

[Guest Gregg Jameson]

Hi Sarah,

I truly think you know best on this one!

You are taking a big step!

I want to acknowledge your courage and your desire to be honest with your friend.

I also sense you truly want ot share this part of yourself with this lifetime good friend!

No matter his immediate response, be prepared to give him some time.

You were never really deceving him; you were coming to grips with being honest with yourself. This all takes time.

He may also need some time. I hope he doesn't need any time at all. Yet, realistically, he may need some time.

This doesn't mean he's not a good friend, nor does it mean he is rejecting you. He is simply trying to adjust to new information, to some changes in how he perceives you and in how he has perceived your relationship to one another. He is alos trying to understand what his role is now and how to continue to be such a good friend. I am sure he wonders if, and how, he can be a true friend to you. When people take time to consider new information, they aren't always and simply rejecting others, they are sometimes wondering how to best "step up," all things considered.

Wishing you well as you offer to share more of your Self to your friend.

Know we are here for you and support you.

Best wishes!

Warmly,

Brad

[Guest]

Hi Sarah.

My 2-bits worth.

Tell your best friend earlier rather than later.

If you are concerned about "ruining" his Christmas than maybe get together on Boxing Day/Kwanzaa and tell him then.

Best of luck.

Huggs,

Joann

[Guest SusanB]

Gotta throw my 2 cents in

If your avatar is your pic i can't see how he could see you as anything but a beautiful woman

You just can't hide that forever, he will notice

[JenniferB]

I agree with Susan. If that avatar is you, I can't see how anyone can see you other than a gorgeous woman, at least by the look of your face. I'm very open and pretty much everyone close to me knew before I officially came out. I couldn't hide it. Like some of the others here, I would say something to him before he arrived. It gives him time to think about it and decide what he wants to do. You have already said he's suspicious something is up and was reassuring. It might be that all of a sudden it will make sense to him. I wonder if he won't be surprised at all when you spring this on him. Again you know him better. If he really is a close friend, my guess is he will stay that way.

You are going to have to spring it on him sometime. If it doesn't work out then it would probably never have worked out. Choosing to transition is hard, but IMO to be the most true to ourselves, we need to live as ourselves. But be prepared for the consequences. Know that soon all this will be behind you and you can live as you all the time, and in all circumstances.

{{{Hugs}}}

Jenny

[Guest Sarah_H]

Hi,

Firstly, I must state that this picture is not me. I am sorry if I have mislead, it was not my intent. The image is of a UK television presenter / newsreader, whom I try to style myself on. I forgot this is mainly a US site and you would not be aware of her identity. I'm so embarrassed!! I'll change that ASAP and put a proper image of myself. I'm feeling a bit more confident with my make up techniques and ready to show my face.

After reading all your kind replies, It's clearly apparent that I need to come out to my friend as soon as we are alone, therefore giving him time to ask questions and get used to the concept. I agree, if he is my true friend he will accept me for who I really am. If I do loose him as a friend, then so be it. I am going to loose people and I have to accept that. I'm hoping that with honesty, openness and time, that I will be able to retain him as a friend.

Brad Lee; thank you for the insight. I hadn't thought about things from that perspective. That will certainly help me see things from his side and panic less if he does not react favorably in the beginning.

Thank you all for your kind replies.

Love,

Sarah.

xxxxxx

[Guest otter-girl]

Oh. One last thing popped into my head. I forgot this myself. But at the start. Actually tell them how much their friendship has meant to you. Its all part of the risk all route. All chips on the table so everyone knows whats being played for. A special frienship worth keeping.

Hugs

Rachel

[Guest Sarah_H]

Hi Rachel,

Thank you you for your suggestion, I really like it. I'm definitely going to try and open the conversation with something like that.

Everything that you have written has had an impact on my thinking.

I really don't know what I would do without the people on this forum.

Love,

Sarah.

xxxxx

[Guest Sarah_H]

Hi,

Well, I did it. I came out to my best friend last night.

It was very difficult and harder than I thought it would be, but I managed to explain things without crying too much. I started by explaining how much his friendship means to me. He let me speak without interruption and I told him about all about my gender issues. He was clearly shocked, when I told him of my suicide attempts and long term self destructive thoughts / feelings though.

I showed him a couple of web pages which helped me get some information across and took the pressure off me for a few moments, whilst he was reading. He took the information on board well I think.

He brought up an incident from when I was 19, which I do not remember. Apparently, I had been very drunk and got very upset (I tried wiping out my gender issues for years with alcohol). My friends were asking me what was wrong and I refused to tell anyone. I was saying things such as "You would hate me if I told you" and "I hate myself", whilst getting more and more upset. He told me they had all found it traumatic and he remembered it very clearly. He mentioned other minor incidents also, which I did not remember either.

He told me that he wasn't going to stop being my friend and that it doesn't bother him, but he didn't know how he could help me. He did tell me that I am doing the right thing in getting some help and that I should transition if I need to. He asked why I've not transitioned previously and kept things so secret. I explained my issues of self acceptance, self hate and fear of the many consequences. He said that I should just ignore what people think, survive and live my life. He even joked that he wouldn't mind fishing next to me if I was wearing skirt, but he had to be catching better fish than me. Which made me laugh and eased the tension a bit.

I ended up doing some maintenance on his laptop whist we spoke and things seemed okay.

He left at 1am and drove the 50 miles home, he didn't stay over in the spare room as he normally does. I'm not taking that as a bad sign, just as him wanting some time to get his head around things.

He leaves for Thailand on Sunday and I won't see him for another month now, but he said that he would contact me by phone and to look after myself.

Nicole: I'm trying to be being realistic and have readied myself as much as possible for the "boomerang" effect.

I'm a bit emotionally fragile and shaky today and was sick after eating my breakfast, but that may well have been due to the fact that I hadn't eaten for about 18 hours due to nerves.

I read this quote on another thread, it has had a great impact on my thinking and I'm very thankful indeed to the person that posted it.

"Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free." - Jim Morrison

I'm starting to feel that perhaps there can be a real hope for happiness in my future.

I'm going shopping now, I'm thinking a nice perfume gift box sort of thing as a little Xmas gift to myself. I think this girl deserves a treat.

Love,

Sarah.

xxxx

[Guest otter-girl]

Sarah,

Very well done girl! You are a brave brave soul. Regardless of all our advice and opinions, you had to sit there and actually do it. No matter what happens ongoing you can take that achievement with you.

Sounds so far so good. Its a lot to share as you said and giving space is good but make sure you keep in touch and reach out also with your friend. They may have thier own acceptance issues as they feel things may change so dont let a gap become a gulf. Next time you meet you might risk wearing something more girly like nice jeans without going too much too soon. I prefer to sneak up the beach in small steps even though occasionally its under fire and you have to run like hell

Big hug

Rachel

[Guest Claire_H]

Sarah

Congratulations, the fear of coming out scares me so much that even the thought will make me physically sick ( I'm now seeing some one about this) so I applaud your bravery. Now go a treat yourself.

Love and Hugs

Claire

XXXX

[Guest SusanB]

Congrats Sarah, (love that name, it was my grandmothers)

You are indeed braver than i

Have not come out to anybody but my GT

I wish you the best with your friend

[Guest]

You go girl! Good job. Thanks for not letting us hang in midair on this one. Happy story. Perfume gift box? Get two their small! LOL! Hug. JodyAnn

[Guest Sarah_H]

Hi,

Thank you very much for your kind replies and saying I'm brave. I'm not that brave at all, I spent most of the hour or so before he arrived crying. Unfortunately, I do a lot of that at the moment. On the plus side, even though I'm only just starting my journey I am actually truly smiling sometimes.

Rachel: I'm going to ensure that we keep fully in touch, thanks for the advice. I was thinking of wearing some girly jeans when I see him next. But, what footwear is the question. I think a pair of killer heels is too much.

Susan: Thank you, I'm hopeful that things will be okay between my friend and I.

Claire and JodyAnn: I bought myself a nice proper sized bottle of eau de toilette when I actually saw the size of them. I also bought a body lotion with some gold sparkles in. I'm wearing them both now, I couldn't wait for Christmas. ha ha.

Hugs and smiles,

Sarah.

xxxxx

[Guest otter-girl]

I think a pair of killer heels is too much.

What about those massive chunky heel things that seem to be in fashion? ....No dont do it!!! lol

I don't actually own any heels though I would like some. I'm permanently in women's trainers when not at work.

Just made it into Karrimor size 8

Hugs

Rachel.

[Guest Sarah_H]

Hi Rachel,

Trainers may well be a good idea, there are plenty of pretty designs.

I would like a pair of pretty ankle boots, possibly a 2" low heel. They might be okay.

Love,

Sarah.

xxxxx

[Guest LizMarie]

Sarah, no matter what happens, you did the right thing. You can't control the reactions of others, just yourself. You need to face your gender dysphoria so follow your friend's advice, be yourself, and live!

[Guest Sarah_H]

Hi LizMarie,

Thank you for your post.

I'm hopeful for the future of my friendship. My friend rang me from Thailand yesterday for a couple of minutes and everything seemed fine between us.

Love,

Sarah.

xxxxx

[Guest SusanB]

Happy for you Sarah

[Guest otter-girl]

Hi Sarah,

That's really nice that he called you and very encouraging.

Hugs

Rachel