Getting NERVOUS about SO's coming out to parents/in-laws

[Guest Sunshine B]

So, my partner and I put together a coming out letter for her (Nicole B on Laura's) to come out to her parents and my parents. (I wrote a section of the letter as well explaining my view and why I am staying in the marriage, etc.) The letter is going out tomorrow and will be sent overnight so they will receive it on Thursday. For the past five months or so, we brainstormed what would go in the letter and we tried to predict how our parents might react. Now that the moment has arrived, both of us are very nervous. She is worried about rejection from all of the parents and I am worried that my "Pollyanna" views could possibly be wrong. We are trying to support each other as best we can. We know it will be hard for both sets of parents and we are willing to be patient with our parents. However, the fear is still there no matter how realistic we are on the situation.

Please wish us luck and please give us any advice that you might have on how to deal with the wait.

Sunshine B.

[Guest angels wings]

Hello lovey ((((((hugs))))) that is a big step for you both . My partners parents and my mum know . People take things differently . All we can do is hope and pray that their hearts will see the bigger picture. My mum accepted her and told her she will always love her . She is scared of the future . My partners parents well her dad is a very religious person to say it nicely and he throws all biblical quotes but doesn't see when he points the finger he has four pointing back at him . He is totally against it . Like really there is a choice ? Geeeeee

Her mum was hurting but very sweet at first couldn't understand but still loved . The last phone call i made to them as they never ever ring us , she was different . I told her if they could accept that is wonderful if they can't we understand and respect that and in return we deserve respect too. We have not heard from them since and I don't think we will.

It is hard for parents and we do need to be patient as its a lot to filter .

Wishing you both all the best (((((((((hugs))))))

Thinking of you both

Angel

[Guest Sunshine B]

Hi Angel,

Thank you for your response. I am happy to hear that your mum was accepting and i sincerely hope that her parents come around to understanding and acceptance.

We have made predictions for our parents. She believes that her dad will have a really hard time. He is very conservative and was very proud to announce how "open-minded" he is at Thanksgiving--he used a lot of sarcasm with this, thinking he was being funny. We've always known he was conservative, but to hear him announce this jokingly was a surprise. He has a hard time dealing with "difference" and we predict he will just ignore the issue. We think that her mom will be hurt and disappointed but will come around slowly. However, there is the expectation that her mom and dad will actually start arguing about this.

As far as my parents go, I think my dad will ask lots of questions and do lots of research. However, I think he will research both sides--the part that talks about need for transition for healthy well-being and the part that talks about reparative therapy. I will have to use my counseling skills to teach him about the true nature of TG. I think he will come around but I think he will have trouble with the pronouns and with talking with her directly, As far as my mom goes, I think she will be accepting. I think she will follow my lead. She is open to and is friends with lesbian and gay individuals. So, I'm hoping she will come to accept TG as well.

Nicole and I joke about our different viewpoints on the world. She considers herself to be "realistic" which I view to be negative. Both of us regard me as having a Pollyanna type view of the world. So, we end up in some interesting discussions.

How are the two of you coping with the difficulty you are having with her parents?

Sunshine B.

[Guest angels wings]

Wow you described my partners dad well and her mum . The way we handle it hmmmmmmmm let's say they never really cared for her before they always treated her different . She was never shown what love is . Now that she has this condition he feels its important to voice his concerns . Well NO we don't need it he is only concerned about what it will look like for his family what would people say ? He is not one bit concerned about my partner as an individual and what this condition has done to her. So if he finds it in his heart of stone to accept and love her we give God all the glory . As he and the family have been praying heavily for their troubled child and the choices she is making . There is a lot of hurt their one can not forget the abuse and rejection as a child . No one deserves that . My partner has forgiven she would be happy to have a father but it will take something really big to get through that heart . As for her mum she will come around too but she will be influenced a lot on what her dad has to say and she will follow that to keep the peace . We know and we see her heart and that's what counts with mum .

Glad to hear your mum is open minded she may be taken back at first but once she sees your love for each other and how strong you both are the chances are high in her been very supportive .

Hehehehehe you two sound like us she is very realistic and me yeah off in the fairies much nicer than been here in this world

Angel

[Guest Sunshine B]

Ugh...so sorry to hear how her family has reacted. It hurts to hear how people can be so judgmental and only look at things from one (theirs) perspective. I am nervous that is how her (Nicole's) dad will react. However, we know that we cannot control that at all. It's just hard to wait. You do all the planning and all the preparing and all the predicting and then you really have no idea how people will react to the news. Plus, there's always the strong possibility that the initial reaction may not be the final response. We are so nervous. I get a little flip in my stomach as I start to think about the response approaching.

I just keep hoping for the best.

Sunshine B.

[Guest angels wings]

That's it sunshine , hang unto hope you both deserve the best . We dont have control on how people will react but we do have control in how we respond to their reaction

Angel:)

[Guest]

Hi Sunshine,

It may have been a coincidence that I started transitioning after my mother died. So, I never had to cross that bridge with my parents. However, my siblings are much older than I and often think they're my parents anyway.

I did the same thing, sending letters to them. In a lot of ways, I didn't care so much since we're not close at all. And I got a 50-50 reaction from them, just as expected.

Having learned a lesson from my own siblings, my spouse and I wrote a much better letter to go to her family. It was nearly 100% well received. I was actually surprised by their reaction, being a rather rugged group of construction workers, but, as it turns out, very open minded.

But, those few days of waiting after the letters went out were scary! One thing that helped us out was that we had discussed all of the possibilities and how we would react to them. One of those nostrums: Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

I won't even try to repair things with one brother and one sister - our relationships had gone bad years prior anyway. My other two siblings are still not comfortable, but I won't give up on them. And, that's what I'd suggest for you as well - that their initial reactions may soften over time.

All the best of luck! Of course, do let us know how it went...

Love, Megan

[Guest Sunshine B]

Thank you Megan and Angel for your responses.

The letters went out this morning. They will receive them tomorrow. Our relationships with our families are decently close. So, we're hoping these letters won't damage those relationships. My partner gave her mom a heads-up that a letter was coming and she asked all kinds of questions which she had to deflect and just tell her to wait for the letter to arrive. I will call my parents tonight to let them know.

Then, it's back to work for both of us. Working will keep us distracted, but work takes us to different places away from one another as we await responses. It's kind of nerve-wracking!

Sunshine B.

[Guest Sunshine B]

So, I called my mom and let her know that a letter was coming. Fortunately, the only question she asked was whether i could give her a hint. In order to prevent panic, I let her know we were not pregnant and that we are not divorcing. Due to her work schedule, she will not actually be able to read the letter until tomorrow night.

My partner's parents will receive it sometime before noon.

Wish us luck! Sunshine B.

[Guest Jo-88]

Good luck!! ... coming out is the hardest part, but it gets easier after that I promise

[Guest angels wings]

Thinkin of you both ((((((hugs))))))

Stay strong lovey

Angel

[Guest Zeda]

In order to prevent panic, I let her know we were not pregnant and that we are not divorcing.

The latter part of that was the most important part, I found, when my spouse and I came out to our family. We had been married for a few days shy of a year when we told them and my parents had a few misgivings. Once I clarified that we were in now way separating (my spouse and I were out to each other long before we even got engaged) and that I am still the rational and careful person that I have always been (my parents are concerned with safety), conversation went a little more smoothly. I also let them know that we do plan to have at least one biological child before transition. This was important to both my in-laws and my parents as they would be thrilled to have grandchildren. My mother in-law had a similar concern as my parents dealing with the safety of our siblings that are still in school.

Our family knows that I have always been practical and that I am thorough with my decision making process. (I am also known as being a bit odd and not very revealing). I think that covering as many important bases as possible has helped them come along and not moving too quickly will help as well.