Sad

[Guest Naomi Loen]

I think most of my friends will be accepting

but I'm worried I'm going to loose the relationships I have now

they'll morph into something that won't necessarily be as good...

for the first time in my life I'm starting to like who I am

and like the way my life is going

I don't want this to disappear...

I've only come out to one friend, a bio woman,

and in time it improved our relationship

but I doubt that that's the norm

I'm frightened

(I'm always frightened... sigh)

I'm excited and want to tell everyone!!

at the same time I'm more scared than ever

I am so sick and tired of pretending to be male

it's getting harder and harder to keep up pretenses

not sure I give a darn weather I pass or not any more

I just want to be honest

and to be treated like who I am...

ok I do care about passing (and I've a long way to go for that), but still...

I'm frustrated and confused and it would be so much easier to just give up

now this is starting to sound like it belongs in the suicide forum

low

low

low

I've been here often enough to know that it will pass (no pun intended)

but I could really use some encouragement

Naomi

[Guest CharliTo]

Nothing wrong with struggling for fully passing.

Even tho lots of the girls out there telling me that I can pass right now...I still can't agree with it and that totally makes me not want to be fully out yet...

What I did was I slowly came out to people that would be important for me to be out to...then after that, I just let them slowly tell the others...

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Naomi Leon

Your posting - look at the form you used- a prose poem - so elegant! Do you see what you are? Unique - creative - artistic

Even in your blue funk

Do you see how special you are? Can't you see how wonderful you are? Can't you see how graceful and lovely you are...?

Even in your desparation

We trans gender are a Gifted Gender - we transgender are Gender Gifted. We are God's little joke and one of his best creations...

All at the same time

Look at us here tonight. Your time posting is 3:30AM (Central time on my computer) ChariTo replied 3:43AM - I am writing this at 4;47AM. Now we may be in different time zones, but still... WE ARE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. Why-why-why? We can't sleep. Why-why-why?

We are like you low-low-low. Or thinking-thinking-thinking. Or crying-crying crying.

Its a cliche' and I've seen it many times here, at Laura's. I know it's true because I live it every day. You live it everyday. Everyone HERE lives it every day - every frickin' day!

ITS HARD BEING A TRANSSEXUAL.

I don't care if you pass like a dream. I don't care if your support group fills a football stadium. I don't care if your voice is as good as Catherine Zeta-Jones and you look like her too. It's hard being a transsexual. And the guys have it too. And others in our gender dysphoric playhouse have it too. Hard-hard-hard

And we carry a special burden. It's called depression. And I don't have it right now - well I do, but I don't feel it. Well I actually do feel it but I build on top of it. I just call it something a little different, usually - sadness. SAD SAD SAD

And we also carry a special gift. It's called happiness in our jouney out of depression, I do have it right now - well mostly - maybe. Well it comes and goes and I use it to build on top of my sadness. I usually just call it something a little different - usually - sometimes - most times. JOY JOY JOY

I, like you, know most of my friends will be accepting

My three grown chldren and their spouses are accepting

BUT

Naomi Leon - you say you fear losing the relationships you have now because they will "morph into something that won't necessarily be as good..."

How ya know that? It might happen, but - darn it girl YOU are morphing in front of their eyes! Give them a chance - some space - some time. If they can't accept, then who's problem is that? Theirs! So easy to say that - but it's true - well... we hope so - better be true.

And me? I love the way my life is going.

And I don't want any of what I am accomplishing to disappear... It can't... oh Lord it just can't disappear...

And Naoni - there is no norm. Your current relationships have always been built on foundations as fragile and thin as blown glass. Thats the way of us humans. Relationships are so wonderful and so fleeting - such is MOST stuff of our life. What we as humans chersh is the stuff of dreams - oh my.

And the world is full of wonder? What is a wonder is so mainly because it is so glossimer.

But I know - friendships seem so solid - and then something, anything, nothing happens and they ... they ... I don't know - they just change.

People change, people die, people move away -

But we are unique us transgender - WE CHANGE and in ways no one ever knew would happen.

Well... we knew all along... but we were keeping hushed - and quiet - and sneaky? and covert? and hidden?

What kind of friend are we?

A transsexual friend - a gifted gender friend - a gender gifted friend

Frightened? terrified? - always

Joyful, excited? - always

We hear you our gentle, sweet sister.

But see how special you are?

Oh these early morning thoughts... I am going back to bed.

[Sally]

Naomi,

I waited until I got back up to answer this post, because you had already gotten a couple of good responses and I was too tired to really make any sense.

So now with no excuse as to my state of mind, here goes Sally's Sage Advice:

Don't try to determine for others how they will feel!

Don't try to figure out which relationships will last, which won't and which will change!

People will react as they will react!

Don't worry about things that you can not change!

Don't worry about things that you can change - just change them!

Most important thought - If someone really cares about you, they will want you to be happy!

Remember that above all of the others - a true friend is there when you need them, not just when they need you!

Allow yourself to enjoy being you!

Life puts certain restrictions on us that can not be changed - our height, our eye clolor- little things, the big things like who you are and who you present to the world are entirely up to you!

Live your life your way, and enjoy it!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Naomi Loen]

oh Lizzy

you made me cry

thank you

I've forgotten how good it feels not to be alone

alright, I'm happy again sotra (my eyes are still watery)

I do have one friend (a fellow painter) who might have guessed,

I have one of those names where one letter changes masculine to feminine

it was a typo in an email

later he asked me if it was on purpose

I remembered all some funny looks I got from him now and then, and the time he asked me why all my Icharus pictures are always female

and I got really nervous and said it was a typo (well it was...)

he asked me if I was sure

I was tempted to tell him (I should have... maybe)

but I was caught off guard and sooooo nervous and I insisted it was a typo...

oh well

-a prose poem- ?? I guess I've been writing poetry so long I just can't help it any more!

but Lizzy you're a darn good writer yourself

thank you everyone

((hugs)) for all of you!