Coming Out

[Guest mia 1]

I came out to my wife of nearly 17 yrs. two days after I joined Laura's. That was Nov.28th. A lot of anger and disbelief at first. First Question are you Gay,{Answer No}?

Second Question are you wearing my clothes? {Answer No}. Her response: "I don't want to talk about now or ever again."

Day three. Question? Do you wear dresses and outer clothing.?{Answer Not reguarly, mostly underwear, bras and panties. Her reply: Maybe you could use a bra, gaining a little weight. Thought to myself,"There goes my youthful apperance."

{A little humor, helps the situation.}

Time goes by, I find out I'm not just a cross dresser but that the woman within that has been expressing herself through clothes has just broken through and her emotions see the light of day.

I've written aboutthis in my blog and on other posts, but the point of this topic, is to let you know that my wife and I express our love for each other in so many ways now. We hug, laugh, cry and tell each other stories about our lives and thoughts.

It is amazing. For example out with our friends for dinner and I ask my wife to tell a story about her family and their history instead of "me, and me and myside of the story."

So many sharing moments,and she just came up and gave me a hug and a kiss.

She is in love with the sensitive person that she thought she found when we met 19 yrs ago.

I never thought that coming out could be such a happy and wonderful experience. She sees the women within and I see the caring friend and open person I fell in love with.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Mia's story - so much an inspiration.

I came out in a different way (MTF) but my wife had a similar reaction of rejection at first, anger a little later, denial next, gruding acceptance, then support. It was a real imitation of the grief process. You can probably expect this from your parents, something like this from your close family. Friends seem to have a slightly different reaction - although it is rare for a CD to out that far down the list.

But we TS do have to work entirely to the end of the list so we have that slightly different set of reactions to face, I mentioned. Friends will be shocked, then questioning, and usually supportive - well - at first ("I hope this makes you happy reaction" - "we wish the best," etc) Then the real feelings kick in - real acceptance or real rejection. The rejection may even come later in the year or even years down the road. I haven't heard much about that 'rejection' ever changing to 'acceptance' with friends, although that change of attitude happens all the time with spouses, parents and close family.

But the guilt and hiding all seems to go away for ALL of us when we out. But expectedly, we pay a price.

I am closer to my wife more than I have ever been. I may lose her anyway. She says her husband died and she is grieving. I have yet to have her fall back in love with Elizabeth.

For transsexuals, you may find that all your life you have actually been the correct gender in your mind, and have actually acted on it. It was the compromise with your 'play-acting' in the 'body-apparent-gender' mode that caused so much pain. You were probably ruining your self-image constantly with compromise. I believe that may have been why you were so unhappy.

For cross dressers it is very similar, except you probably have always been secure in the 'two' gender feelings you have. The compromise was different as you had to be 100% one or the other, and rarely had the opportunity to integrate. I suspect when dressed it seems forbidden territory, somehow, to be the other gender, although the temporary feeling of contentment predominated. The fear of being found out and the sneakiness required to protect yourself from riddicule was ruining your sense of self-worth, not your self-image. I believe that may be why you can be so unhappy - and lonely.

Androgyne? Intersexual? Other conditions? I don't know if coming out applies - each will have to answer personally as I have no experience with this. I suspect there are huge problems with acceptance.

Long reply but this is a MAJOR PART of the life of we gender dysphoric people experience - 'coming out.' It is the part that involves acceptance and rejection.

Thank you Mia for a positive view - good for you!

[Sally]

This is one time that I truly wish that I could represent the positive view, but this is the one case where I can not!

I came out to my wife and she cried and aske me if i was going to leave her, I told her no andme hugged and cried and everything was fine, for around three months. One the surface everything seemd fine, she would ask quwstions occasionaly but mostly just seemed to enjoy my 'new emotions'. But something must have been bothering her, I got a sense that things weren't going as well as I had hoped, so after my last therapy session (for a little while) I told her that if this was a problem for her that I would carry on as always - I've done it for over 50 years. She cried and hugged me and everything was fine. The next day she told me that she had talked to her sisters about it last week and on one of her twicw a day phone calls to her mother we were summoned to Mount Olympus for me to be berated by the major deities with her sisters present to add as much venom as they could then they spent another 45 minutes trying to get her to stay with them. I was shocked when she came home with me that night and thought for once ahe was actually going to make her own decission. The next week she went to lunch with one of her sisters and pulled her check out of the joint checking acount. The next night I played at a charity benifit and came home to an empty house - she came by to get some clothes and important jewelry - the stuff her parents gave her and never said a word. A week later she came back for more clothing but brought her sisters and one brother in law to telll me what they wanted - everything- and to threaten me, again not one word from my ex (the puppet).

I had told my sister, who lives in another town 160 miles away, before I told my wife - she was stunned, afraid that someone had 'talked me into being transsexual' (a concept that made my therapist laugh) and finally told me that she would still love me - that is the most support that I have gotten.

I told my mother sooner than I had wanted to just so she wouldn't hear from one of the ex's 'vastly superior' family. She has taken every opportunity to tell me that I am mistaken and then to explain what I think, how I feel and why I should never transition.

So from this you can telll that my coming out story has no happy ending so far - well you are wrong! I may be alone, dealing with lawyers, waiting to find out if I will have a place to live after the settlement and having no one in my life who puts my happiness first, but I actually feel better about myself! That's right, I feel better about myself because I can now see that I am not the one with the problem, they are! I have lost the feelings of guilt and shame and I as soon as the divorce is final I am free of all of the obsticles except the biggest evil in our lives money or the lack there of! I cry myself to sleep almost every night, but after all of these years crying feels so good!

I have made some wonderful new friends - all of you here in the playground, I find that helping others is very theraputic for me, I think it is my maternal instinct! Not long ago I made poat that seemed a little darker than my usual and I recieved three PMs from some of my closer friends here in the playground - in my 'real' life, the people who should notice if I am down, no one has and no one seems to care. I won't point out which friends - they know who they are - I will just say that I am a better person now than I have ever been and my friends here are the only ones observant enough to see it.

I will begin to come out to others after the divorce, maybe some of my freinds will turn out to be as wonderful as all of you, but if not they were never really my friends - they were 'his' because they have never known me, like you do!

No jokes, no appologies and no looking back,

Sally

[Guest mia 1]

You are all the most wonderful people on this planet. Come out. come out, and be proud. Everyone see Milk, and if you don't break out in tears at least one hundred times let me know................I am so emotional and so happy that you aren't alone Sally and crying yourself to sleep is a blessing...............Elizabeth I hope that fiery little Sicilian stays with you till you breath your last..............................Love to You All.....Mia.

[Guest Jackson]

Sally, I'm sorry that you've had to go through that. I really wish that people didn't have to be so immature and of little intelligence that they need to feel that they have to treat other people that way. And you're such a sweetheart too.

I cannot say too much since I've not had too difficult of a time yet. But then again I'm not sure if most of my family knows yet or now. More so because we (extended family) talk on the phone and we don't see each other in person a lot.

However, I am heartened to hear that it's been going well for Mia and Elizabeth. It's stories like yours that make one feel that there are good people in the world.

[Sally]

There are a lot of good people in the world, Jackson!

You are one of them, I do have some people who know and actually support me, my therapist, of course, and my electrolosyst, until she changed jobs and I haven't been able to fit our schedules together. Also her girlfriend - to my knowlege (because you can never be sure) is the first post op MTF that I have met in person, a very sweet lady who loves to bake and ride motorcycles and hunt. I'll be picking up with them again pretty soon.

And of course all of you good people, that is a lot of good people in the world, take heart - I am never really alone as long as I know that there are people who care and I know that so many of you do - so whenever you feel alone, remember somebody cares, me!

Love ya all,

Sally

[gennee]

My wife was shocked when I told her I was a crossdresser. Time passed and she saw that this is a part of me. I wnated to tell her an way. I told my son a year or so later. He's cool with my dressing.

From time to time I share with my wfe what it is to be transgender and a crossdresser. I shared some thing with her last night. I am so relaxed and contentment. I have the freedom to dress and go out in public. My wife hasn't gotten to the point of going out with me dressed. Some day, maybe. I'm just happy that she accepts me dressing. I feel blessed.

Gennee

[Guest Naomi Stardust]

oh Sally!

i care!

you're a wonderful woman

and an inspiration

you're right you aren't the one with the problem, after all you're Gender Gifted!

if you can be optimistic then maybe i can try a little harder to find the bright side too

Mia, Liz, Gennee, i'm so happy your coming out adventures worked out so well!

there are good people in the world!

it's easy to forget (i do way too often) but remember:

There Are Good People In The World!

[Guest Donna Jean]

Well, time to get my feet wet, too.....

I came out to my wife of 29 years early Nov... Needless to say she was shocked...I cried the whole day and I shook and became light headed...She held my hand the whole time and hugged me and held me...

I thought it would be the end of my life.....and it was, but, not in a bad way! We talked and talked and talked and even laughed over things that made her say "OH, that explains_______"!! Things that happened over the years all of a sudden had a reason to her..Things I did or didn't do....

Don't get me wrong...it wasn't and still isn't easy for her...but she supports me and loves me and wants me to do whatever it takes to make me happy. I couldn't be happier with or love her more!

She knows and understands the whats, whys and reasons behind Transsexualism...always has...but, this has struck pretty close to home for her....you understand how a house burns down, but, you don't want it to happen to you...

I absoutely HATED doing this to her!!! You all know how it gets, though, for us...the misery, pain, loathing, etc...

so it must end..somehow...that's when someone else is standing right there about to be hit with it, too......Dang..

I can't begin to tell you all how much I love her...

All of my old bad ways are gone..now she says I've been an angel (blush)..but, I don't feel the same way..all the things and reasons that caused the bad have now gone away..I'm the most happy that I've ever been in my life..My true self has been allowed to be released and now.......well....It's just amazing..

Sometimes now thinking back..I don't know how she put up with me all those years..but, I intend on making that up...best I can...

I'm only out to her and my therapist and all of my wonderfull friends here at Laura's...but, more comming...

And I want to see my friends Sally, Lizzy, Mia, Jackson, Naomi, Gennee..and many more all have a remarkable passing in this totally awkward, intimidating, scary, joyful, time in our lives...we do have a lot of work to do now that we've shed our skins and are growing anew....

Yes, we intend to stay together...married....In this state SRS does not require a divorce...So, this is gonna get weird and there's going to be some awkward moments. But we'll face that with resolve, love and humor...

Hey, can I have my baby blue top back?......

XXOO

Donna Jean

[Guest mia 1]

Dona Jean I thought you had been out to your wife for a much longer time than me. You are so less confused and more level headed and determined than I am. You are angel for us all..................Yeah...........................!!!!

[Guest charlie texas]

wow that is awesome !!!