I Think I'll Come Out To Two Friends

[Guest Naomi Stardust]

i've been suppressing myself for far too long,

i can't keep it all bottled up anymore

taking things slow as frustrating as it is, it's likely the best way

i'd like to abandon all pretenses and tell everyone right now and to heck with the consequences!

but i know my father in particular will not take it well...

and i'm not sure about the rest of my family, i'm closer to my friends anyway

so i guess slow it is...

this coming thursday i have a ride to a poetry open mic with a friend who has been concerned about me

he asked me what was troubling me a few weeks ago, but my father was there too so i didn't say much

(my dad also writes poetry)

then today another friend asked to ride with us...

so i guess i'm coming out to two people!

the thing is both these people are ex social workers

so i think they'll be more accepting than most

that doesn't make me any less nervous

i know i need to tell someone

(i also need some new clothes!!!!! been too long purging...)

----

you know i'm actually depressed a lot more than i mention in the playground

it's just so hard not to be happy here

i can be a woman without anyone saying otherwise, and i'm so happy to just be myself

then when i am depressed and need to post something, i come here read something Sally or Liz or someone says and my day (or usually night) is suddenly brighter

i was brooding about something a while back and had it all written out in my head

then when it comes time to type it

i'm feeling better and i can't remember what it was i was going to say (something about being trapped in a hairy nightmare)

being a writer that's really kinda annoying!

ok so my problem seems to be

that i'm too happy...

and may everyone here be so lucky to have a problem like that! someday soon i hope

----

alright i was distracted there for a minute

so i'm nervous

i want to tell my poet friends that i consider myself a woman that i have since i was a little girl (*grin, it feels good to say that) and that in some far away future i am seriously thinking of SRS and that they're going to start seeing a more hairless version of me soon (tgf nair! or nete it's cheaper)

i know one of them will be very surprised

one might not be...

he's a quiet one, like me

and you know what he say's about quiet ones?

"they're listening!" or more specifically they're paying attention, so sometimes i wonder what he's thinking...

wow this is getting long

please excuse my little epic (i ramble when i'm nervous)

i do need to come out to someone else, i need to relieve some pressure, i'm worried that i'll get nervous and not be able to say what i need to say

looking for encouragement

Naomi

[Sally]

Well Naomi,

You came to the right place for encouragement! Thanks for the kind words!

I come here often, being a moderator now gives me a great excuse, but I come here for the same reasons. I am all bottled up with almost no one knowing and for a little while longer how it has to be - work related! While I sit , very properly at my computer, I am Sally and everything seems so much better. It is my escape from my current situatiom, but a much better escape is to have people who know, so you can be yourself around them.

I like your referal to being a little girl - I feel that way too!

I believe that you have chosen good people to come out to, poets are usually sensetive and social workers usually aren't gossips - so even though you are nervous, tell them and shead one more layer of the chains that bind us all to the wrong gender!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I don't do this too often as it makes the posts so long but Naomi - I just gotta... see my comments in red

i've been suppressing myself for far too long,

i can't keep it all bottled up anymore

taking things slow as frustrating as it is, it's likely the best way

i'd like to abandon all pretenses and tell everyone right now and to heck with the consequences!

We transsexual are exactly like that - my therapist says its one of the things she looks for - our desparation to rush forward - our hesitation to do so - back-and-forth - personally it drives me CRAZY! She warns me "caution" she says "let the process of transition go at its own pace, let people see you every day - eventually they will ask 'are you okay?' and you can tell them."

I don't know if I can always do that, but I am trying hard. I outed to my wife, my three adult children and all my doctors almost immediately - after being told I was a "probable" transsexual (probably heck - I AM transsexual - I knew already I guess). Didn't wait - couldn't wait - wow. It's so hard to keep on holding it in. Our therapist tell us to embrace it as our being - but then tells us we have to keep that hidden? NO FAIR...

but i know my father in particular will not take it well...

and i'm not sure about the rest of my family, i'm closer to my friends anyway

so i guess slow it is...

this coming thursday i have a ride to a poetry open mic with a friend who has been concerned about me

he asked me what was troubling me a few weeks ago, but my father was there too so i didn't say much

(my dad also writes poetry)

then today another friend asked to ride with us...

WOW - you okay with both? I came out with my 28 year old son and his permanent girfriend was there too. She didn't say much - shocked I guess. My son said he always knew. I am scared to ask about his girlfriend but if she is his partner it will probably be okay. But still... be careful as everyone talks to everyone else eventually.

so i guess i'm coming out to two people!

the thing is both these people are ex social workers

so i think they'll be more accepting than most

Okay - social workers - but transsexuallity was a 15 minute topic they had in college under Diversity 206. We aren't that well understood because we are sorta rare - about 1 in 90,000 in the USA if you accept the number 40,000 of us. Of that only 1 in 3 fully transition, 1 in 3 partially transition, 1 in 3 never transition and just live out their lives. Please understand this is preliminary info I've been working on so don't quote me. Still, 1 in 90,000? You'd have to go to 450 meetings of 200 people in each meeting to possibly meet one transsexual.

that doesn't make me any less nervous

i know i need to tell someone

(i also need some new clothes!!!!! been too long purging...)

you know i'm actually depressed a lot more than i mention in the playground

[sECRET - don't tell - WE ALL ARE - PM me sometime - you'll see]

it's just so hard not to be happy here [YEAAAAAAA- tell Laura!]

i can be a woman without anyone saying otherwise, and i'm so happy to just be myself [Oh honey - I KNOW]

then when i am depressed and need to post something, i come here read something Sally or Liz or someone says and my day (or usually night) is suddenly brighter [Liz lowers her head and a tear rolls down her cheek - and she mutters, what a nice thing to say] i was brooding about something a while back and had it all written out in my head

then when it comes time to type it

i'm feeling better and i can't remember what it was i was going to say (something about being trapped in a hairy nightmare)

being a writer that's really kinda annoying!

ok so my problem seems to be

that i'm too happy... [No such thing - you can NEVER be too happy - we earn every second of happiness that comes our way]

and may everyone here be so lucky to have a problem like that! someday soon i hope

alright i was distracted there for a minute

so i'm nervous

i want to tell my poet friends that i consider myself a woman that i have since i was a little girl (*grin, it feels good to say that)

Funny - at my first session my therapist asked me to tell my story, the first words out of my mouth, I swear, without thinking, was "when I was a little girl..." I saw her head pop up at that. It was a natural feeling for me - and it just came out. And I am soooo glad to have been a free acting little girl for 4-5 years before my parents made me start pretending to be a boy.

and that in some far away future i am seriously thinking of SRS and that they're going to start seeing a more hairless version of me soon (tgf nair! or nete it's cheaper)

[Ha-ha - reverse that order - one at a time sweet - Hair will grow back... oh you know where that thought leads... SRS? Work on that to make sure its for you. Another true sign my therapist says. All TS want to talk about SRS almost immediately. The therapist holds the reigns on that - she has to feel it is a natural extension of what we are at that special time when we are truely transitioned into a woman mind, body and soul. I told her it would be a sudden realization that there was no reason NOT to have SRS. There is a long road to that point.

i know one of them will be very surprised

one might not be...

he's a quiet one, like me

and you know what he say's about quiet ones?

"they're listening!" or more specifically they're paying attention, so sometimes i wonder what he's thinking... [You will find out! Definately find out!]

wow this is getting long

please excuse my little epic (i ramble when i'm nervous)

i do need to come out to someone else, i need to relieve some pressure, i'm worried that i'll get nervous and not be able to say what i need to say

looking for encouragement [Oh baby - go for it - Que Cera Cera - what will be will be]

Naomi

[Guest Naomi Stardust]

alright, i'm encouraged!

back-forth-back-forth....

i guess i'm used to that

but i don't need to be transsexual AND crazy

my mind and heart are set on coming out to these two

even if they don't understand it, they're both writers and will likely be eager to learn

and i'm eager to tell!

you know, it surprised me how much it didn't bother me when my other friend asked to ride with us

but i made a list a while back of who i might be comfortable talking with

and who not

and these two were on top (which was odd at the time, i'm usually not as relaxed talking to men, oops does that make me sexist?)

yay! when i typed "girl" i hadn't noticed until i proofread the post! -and then there was some muffled giggling-

one more confirmation, what does that make now? lets see 29 years carry the 2.... somewhere around a hundred billion... give or take

sooooooo sick of being furry, i'm tempted to nair my face too, it's only pain... right? electrolysis is painful too... well maybe not, i'll stick with a razor...

but the rest of the unwanted hair must GO!

(and there's too much too all over to shave, argh)

....... if being too happy gets in the way of my writing..... that's a tough call.... i'll just have to learn how to write happy!

i know SRS is a looooong way away, but i've been thinking about it for a looooooong time, i found out it was a possibility when i was 13 or so

mostly i made excuses why it could never work for me and went on trying to be male.... sigh

i am so glad i'm not male (no offense to anyone intended)

i'm looking forward to tomorrow night

whatever happens it'll be interesting! (trying to replace fear with optimism)

[Guest Elizabeth K]

i'm tempted to nair my face too

NOOOO it will blister your face - don't use it

[Guest Naomi Stardust]

Synchronicity!

wow! did i choose the right two to come out to!

it went better than i'd hoped!

and the conversation!....

before i even got in the car these two were discussing something one saw of tv about brain chemistry and......

how transsexual brains are wired different

(giving scientific credence to the whole correct brain wrong body thing, well i could've told them that! ....scientists....)

and one friend knows a post-op mtf

and knew her before and during her transition

did i mention that i picked the right people to come out to?

well i did!

and i feel great, which i should note that by the time anyone reads this that might not be the case

but who cares, right now i'm somewhere between cloud 8 and 9!

joy!

and to think i almost did chicken out

and (embarrassed) one friend quoted a Buddhist saying, something like the act of witnessing is sacred a blessing

and went on to say how honored and privileged he was that i confided in him (blush)

i think all the pieces about me finally fell into place for him, he seemed genuinely impressed

so... that's 3 out of the 4 people i trust enough to come out to

what a relief

[Guest Donna Jean]

Oh, Naomi....Synchronicity!

Isn't that the most wonderful feeling in the whole world!!???

You put your trust and faith and hope in someone..tell them.. and then you're accepted!

You lay it on the line and someone tells you "Hey, no problem" and then the worry and and apprehension are automatically lifted and gone!!

Hon...you have wonderful friends...hold them close..it means so much!

So happy for you....

Warm Donna Jean

[Guest Naomi Stardust]

I am so happy right now!

it's a little bit surreal

i've been sad so long...

i'm not used to being happy!

wow, if this is the twilight zone, i'm staying!

[Sally]

It isn't the "Twightlight Zone", Naomi, possibly the "Night Gallery" for me with the hours that I keep and my love of all objects D'arte.

Feeling good is a good thing, get used to it embrace it - don't let worry and fear ever chase it away again!

Call on the dark timea only if you wish to write a sad poem, spend your life in the brightest light - write about this feeling and try to help others feel that way too, you've suffered enough - paid your 'artistic dues', now you can allow yourself to be happy!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Christy.dancer]

Everyone's situation is different, I know... but when I came out to my closest friends, they were already "Well, YEAH... of course you are!"