Really bad depression after SRS ): ....

[Guest jordynolivias]

So for the past month or so, I've been feeling extremely depressed. As of this week, it'll only have been 9 weeks for me since having SRS, but it already feels like its been so much longer and I'm really starting to have trouble coping ): . I've definitely felt depression like this while I was still feeling dysphoric before I started transitioning, but it's been a really really long time since I've felt anything like this. Like, in hindsight, if I had known that this would happen after having surgery, I honestly don't know if I would have chosen to have it or not .

I guess what I've been feeling bummed and unhappy about the most is that I actually only know one other person my age (and she's actually 6 years older than me) who has had SRS and so I've felt really alone in that regard. I guess it's also been sort of upsetting me that I was sure that having surgery would make me feel happier, but I've been feeling much more depressed and less happy after having surgery than I was before.

Has anybody else whose had SRS gone through any sort of depression like this? If so, how long did it last and was there anything that you noticed that helped it start to get better?

- Jordy

[Guest angels wings]

Hello Jordy , sorry to hear your down ((((((((( hugs)))))))) I'm sure other members who have travelled a similar road will give some advice .

Angel ((((((( hugs)))))))

[~Nova~]

I have been depressed before and after GRS, so I'm no help. I would suggest your call your GT and talk about it.

If you wanna talk, PM. We can trade stories.

[Guest Jenni_S]

I think it's actually pretty normal, after reaching a major goal, to feel a letdown afterwards. And this certainly is a major goal! We worked so hard to get there, and we did it. I'll bet that you felt great for a couple of days, having gotten there, and doing what you needed to make it happen. I know I did! And then you have that recovery time, when they tell you specifically not to do very much. Do you feel a lot of "Well, what NOW?" You've been doing so much, getting ready, paperwork, travel plans and actually getting there, and suddenly you don't have to do that any more.

Now your goals aren't so defined. What do you do next? Not knowing can certainly be depressing. I had some depression too, and that's really why. We need new goals, and they can be any goals we want. That can be hard! Now you're just living your life. What do you want out of it? Your therapist can help, but you get to choose. For me, it took a while to settle in and find some new goals. They're much more simple now, and that can be difficult to accept at first, because my previous goal was so big and so complex; how can something so simple be as satisfying to do? But they can be, because they may not be as big, so they happen much more frequently. Myself, my goals now are to be the best parent I can be; to make myself a valued employee, and hopefully reap the rewards from that; volunteer, and give my time to other people that need it; lose weight; and a new one, make back the money I just had to spend on a new engine for the car (drat!).

Nothing huge or major. But things I can do, and be happy doing them. I certainly feel good about myself when I do good by my son, or help someone when they need it, I do my work well, or step on the scale and see a smaller number. It takes time to find what works for us; when you do, life is pretty good. I know you'll find what works for you, too!

[Drea]

Depression post-op can have emotional and biological roots. The kind of depression, a questioning period one can call it more typically happens a few years out. So soon after surgery there is a greater chance of there being a bio-chemical root to it but 9 weeks is a good amount of time. As for the emotional causes there are a few common triggers which I will comment on here.

Jenni touches on some really good points. And often post SRS euphoria, sense of achievement can often delay dealing with some of those for years.

I am a big advocate of post SRS therapy. Too often folks see SRS as a goal, an end point, "I am done" when in reality in many ways is the start of the next phase of integration. Also one finds they still have issues. Issues that one had expected (conciously or subconciously) to by fixed by SRS or the whole "transition" thing. But they weren't resolved, just pushed aside by the focus on transition. Post SRS those come home to roost and one can no longer maintain the illusion with oneself that "transition" is going to fix them.

Therapy post SRS can be hard for some to accept. Many, once getting their SRS letters, are quick to back off on therapy as no longer needed. So the idea that one might need to see a therapist, especially without that comfort of a fixed end point (when transition is over) can be a cause for depression itself. This however is a time when it can be very helpful so I encourage it highly. It is a time when one will be able to focus on issues in a way that wasnt' possible with all the detractions of "transition".

At the same time all this is going on, when someone who hasn't has SRS hears of someone feeling depresessed post-op, it is common for them to offer words of what they feel are encouragement like "I am so jealuous that you had SRS, if I were in your position I would have no reason to be depressed" or "you have no reason to be depressed, you are living the dream so many of us want". Unfortunatly they don't realize it comes off as patronizing and or dismissive of your experience which highlights the disconnect you are feeling and can add to the depression.

I know of folks of all ages that have had SRS. I understand how post-SRS others not in your age bracket will have some of the issues you face so becomes hard for them to understand all of what you are going thru.

I wrote quite a bit about post-op depression as it relates to the onset a few years after surgery. Still much of what I wrote can also be applicable earlier on. You might want to check out post #8 in this thread http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=18077

Good luck with it. This is nothing to be ashamed about.

[Guest KimberlyF]

Are you in therapy? I remember you had doubts prior to surgery also.

A lot of people see SRS as an end which is of course wrong. What did you hope to have it accomplish? What issues are still causing you concern in your life...and not just the gender ones.

The surgery is over and you can't look back. What can you do to move forward to find the positive change in your life?

Are these real feelings of regret or are you now more aware of other issues in your life that you had put on the back burner since this was such a huge one?

These are the exact types of discussion to bring up in therapy IMO.

Surgery doesn't make you more popular, sexier, less shy, richer, etc...it serves a specific purpose. If you felt mostly alone prior, you're gonna feel that way for the most part after.

[JJ]

When I reached my weight loss limits according to my Dr I felt real depression and when shortly afterward I realized that I had now really transitioned as far as being accepted as male 100% of the time it worsened.

I think there were a couple of reasons. When we focus on a goal we put aside other issues and concerns . Just human nature. It helps us accomplish our goals. Those feelings of isolation for instance could be pushed back because you were working on a goal. I know I felt something of the same. There is no one IRL that I can talk to as I can here. There are people who accept and care about me but they really can't understand some of what I feel. And then there is that now what? And is this all there is? That hits people after reaching major goals. Not unique to trans or SRS but a natural psychological reaction. If you read about people in any situation who have accomplished a major goal you come across it from Olympic athletes to people who have had dramatic weight loss. Life is complex and there are no easy answers.

There is also a hormonal component possibly as well. Your hormones had to be changed before SRS and then resumed. That can take weeks-even months- for some people to readjust to as well. And hormone changes cause depression.

Of course seeing your therapist helps. I fully endorse that but also seeing your Dr ti have hormone levels checked may help as well as knowing that in time it will pass.

It took awhile for me but I came back to feeling this deep joy and peace in what I had accomplished. In finding comfort with myself as I am. Because that is also a component I think. Facing realities instead of dreams. Eventually you realize just how good the realities are and you are grateful.

It isn't the SRS really I suspect but the symbolism and the realities to be faced now and the hormonal changes. All normal. And thankfully all transient

May you find your peace again soon

Hugs

Johnny

Johnny

[Guest LizMarie]

Drea makes an excellent point. I honestly do not expect to end my association with my therapist ever. She's a confidant, a sounding board, and a "safe place" to vent when I need it. I am currently only seeing her every other month because I'm generally in a pretty good place in my own head right now, but she's already made it clear that I can increase or decrease visits as needed, especially facing divorce later this year, going full time probably about a year after that, and eventually even post-SRS. She has made it clear from the outset that she is there for me as long as I need her to be there.

And I can easily see how reaching SRS could be a major goal met with maybe no clear goal set beyond it.

Most people don't live their lives with clear, attainable goals. They live day to day and sometimes set goals and sometimes just go with the flow. But those of us who choose to transition begin to set goals, clear, achievable goals. And we mold our lives around those goals. So what happens when the list of goals is empty? I don't know myself but Drea and Jenni make the point that this can bring on depression, especially having lived a very goal centric life for many years.

So I'll chime in and add that I think seeing a therapist is a good idea.

[Paula ult]

The best advice i can give you is to see your therapist as soon as you can.

My surgeon made sure i knew that i could might get depressed after surgery and to keep an eye out for it, it's fairly common to either have depression right after surgery or around the 90 day mark, i never had depression post op but i did see my therapist a few times, my first appointment was 2 weeks after i returned home.

In addition to what others have said, could your depression be caused from having high expectations that because you are younger that after 9 weeks that you would be fully healed and back to normal doing everything you did before surgery, or could it be from the daily grind of dilation that never seems to end, for me it was around the 3 month mark before i started feeling more like my old self and everything started to get easier, it was about 6 months before my vagina started to look more normal and each month after i could see more positive changes, these changes went on for over a year.

As far as having other post op's your age to talk to, not many at any age are able to afford srs, i have the same problem, i only know a few around my age who have had srs, what i found out is a few of my pre op friends treated me differently after srs, i think it is jealously because i could and they can't or have not yet.

Paula

[VickySGV]

At only two weeks out, I have had a couple of "Blue" episodes already, and a brief talk I had with a pastoral counselor who is also TG, has helped me to pinpoint some things working on me. We have been through a HUGE set of changes, but the world does not see it that way, and we find that not much other than our bodies have changed. Our whole existence was focused on our SRS, but we have LIFE still waiting for us, and maybe not with anything terribly new or unforseen. Its as if we never had the surgery except to people who, now that we are reasonably healed, are also forgetting to be concerned with us, and back to themselves. My house is still the same mess I left back on January 11th, but it is a pre-op familiar mess, so what was all the pain for? A vacation it was NOT. We have left behind the specialness of pre-op, so now where do we fit in?

[elliemckay]

I'm just going to lay this down here and you do what you want with it...

How long did your surgeon have you off your estrogen, both before and after surgery? I was off mine for almost 2 months total and it pretty much made me go through a menopause of sorts. My best friend is going through menopause right now and she's taking comfort from someone who has already gone through the emotional weirdness of it, if you will. Something to think about. Major changes to hormones will do wacky things to you. Just wait til you're a few years post-op and you look back on your entire transition and realize what an emotional trainwreck the entire thing was.

[Drea]

It is true hormones could be a factor. Specifically post SRS it is fairly common to see a dosage change downward. If you haven't seen/discussed that with your doctor it might be good..

Still don't discount re-visiting therapy if you haven't. There are lots of issues. It doesn't mean you are weak.

We have left behind the specialness of pre-op, so now where do we fit in?

Well you get to be a special post-op now of course.

[Guest Gregg Jameson]

Hi Jordy,

I sincerely applaud your willingness to reach out here.

Thanks, too, for your honesty.

Lots of great suggestions here!

I also encourage consideration of ongoing therapy as you continue to adjust. I hope this is a possibility for you, of you choose to follow-up for awhile, for as long as you want/need.

The hormonal aspects are also important. Good idea to check on your hormonal status.

Please also consider having some basic bloodwork done. Please speak to your physician about this.

During major surgeries, our bodies/minds recognize a "trauma" and our immune systems may take a blow and may have some difficulty recovering. Interestingly, some of these even slight changes in the counts are common after major surgeries and are now also noted as common with depression and also common after major life trauma. (This fairly large pool of anecdotal accounts of these immunological changes with depression are now being more thoroughly investigated in a formal sense.) You may also want to check on even basic vitamin/nutritional status if/when doing labs. It's very important to pay attention to Vit D levels, especially during the winter months.

Nutrition is so very important. It's easy to forget just how important.

Exercise is a huge boost for depression. Many studies show adequate exercise is as helpful/more helpful than some antidepressant regimens, in some cases.

I hope you wil be able to find a group of like-hearted individuals IRL. The sense of "belongingness" is also very important to the welfare of our mind/body. This has effects upon our psychological well-being, as well as on our physical well-being, again also often reflected in labwork results. (This also supports healthy immunity and helpful brain chemistry.)

Make sure "fun" is included as a part of your day, everyday! Again, this has an effect on our sense of well-being, our immune systems, our mood. In working with people experiencing depression, many times they have difficulty even identifying which activites in life they find "fun." Often, if they return to an activity which they had experienced as "fun" in the past, they may not feel the same about this same activity during a depression. Yet, it's important they keep working these activities into their schedule; in time, often they start feeling the joy they'd felt in the past.

Please do get checked out medically, to be sure you do not have any prolonged post-surgical issues, even some which may be considered "subclinical," yet may be causing you some additional challenges. Please be sure there is no post-surgical underlying infection brewing, etc. (This may or may not be reflected in labwork.)

I hope you will find your sense of peace and joy, pronto!

I hope you will keep us posted on how things are going for you?

Hopeful Healing!

Brad

[Sakura]

post surgical bluse and depression can be a factor after any major cosmetic surgery . your body, mobility and life as been momentarially hobbled. not to mention a crash in all sorts of chemicals and hormones in your body. it has been proven that a sudden change in hormone balance particularially testosterone in boht men and women can cause extreme depression. then as it has been mentioned, most focus on SRS as an ultimate and final goal. and when that is reached you now realize, there is alot more left after that. and the only thing that has really changed is ones genitals.

i imagine there is also some evaluation to be done on ones self after. does the reality meet ones expectations ? are you happy with the results. now you have to begin really relating to you body in a female sense . all things that a competent therapist would beable to help with.

SRS its self is just part of the treatment not nessicarally the cure , one is still a transitioning transsexual, post op.

Sakura

[Kyla666]

So for the past month or so, I've been feeling extremely depressed. As of this week, it'll only have been 9 weeks for me since having SRS, but it already feels like its been so much longer and I'm really starting to have trouble coping ): . I've definitely felt depression like this while I was still feeling dysphoric before I started transitioning, but it's been a really really long time since I've felt anything like this. Like, in hindsight, if I had known that this would happen after having surgery, I honestly don't know if I would have chosen to have it or not .

I guess what I've been feeling bummed and unhappy about the most is that I actually only know one other person my age (and she's actually 6 years older than me) who has had SRS and so I've felt really alone in that regard. I guess it's also been sort of upsetting me that I was sure that having surgery would make me feel happier, but I've been feeling much more depressed and less happy after having surgery than I was before.

Has anybody else whose had SRS gone through any sort of depression like this? If so, how long did it last and was there anything that you noticed that helped it start to get better?

- Jordy

Try not to let yourself down, I have not done SRS but i have had surgery done and recovery time can be VERY depressing. Even more so on something SO BIG like SRS.

So just think of all the Fun and cool things, Like putting on panties and they fit 100% And when you go swimming no worries of any kind Woot!!

...idk maybe that's just my things but think of something you just could not do before and Do it. I am sure that would pick you right up And give it time