My body is disgusting

[Guest oblita]

/begin bitching

I spend 20 minutes a day on the scale, weigh myself 6 times in a row just to make sure the weight is correct. I write the number down with the time and date and add notes. If I lost weight it's a smiley face if I gained weight I remind myself how disgusting I am for failing again. I go 5-8 days without eating and then binge for 2-3 days. The days binging are spent crying in bed and thinking of ways to kill myself because it's just one more thing I couldn't do right.

A couple weeks ago I was 148 lbs. A few days ago I was 127.8 lbs. Now I'm 129.4 lbs. I can't pour a non-water drink without grimacing, or look at my plate without all the thoughts in my head telling me how stupid it would be. Even if I do try to eat nine times out of ten I just spit it out because I can't gain any more weight!

I tried purging but it only worked once. Now I;m stuck using laxatives if I screw up and if I come across something I just /can't/ 'live' without then I have no choice but to stuff my face with it. Chew three times then spit without swallowing, take another bite, three times and spit no swallowing, repeat. At its worse I'd do that twice a day. It's disgusting but it's a reminder every time I looked at the chewed-up bile ball on the paper towel of how disgusting that food would look inside of me and how much more disgusting I'd be as a result of it.

One of the 'perks' of all of this is when I'm sitting in bed curled up in a ball trying to make the pain in my stomach go away at least I'm only thinking of trying not to eat, instead of the eight hundred other things that make me want to turn my arms and legs into a horror show.

At least it's funny that being trans isn't the only reason I can't stand to look in the mirror.

/end bitching

Sorry for upsetting everyone

[Charlize]

I'm sorry you are going through this pain dear. It sounds to me t6hat you need some help. Your need to diet in such an exreeme manner is not healthy for you. We all want instant results but life is a path and the destination is part of the path not the end. By that i mean to say try moderation. Are you seeing a GT or other therapist. Talking to others in real time often helps us to move in a healthy fashion. Please keep posting. We care and want you t be happy just as we try to be ourselves. Thanks for the post.

hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Jennifer T]

Oblita, I'm 6'4" and weigh about 230 lbs. trust me girl, you look better than I do!

Sorry, not making light of your issues. I know what it's like to do unhealthy things to my body because I hate how it appears. Was hoping to make you smile a little.

Peace and hugs.

[Guest JeepGirl90]

Obilta, I will say one thing I've learned is that if you actually want to loose weight then you need to eat regular meals, Otherwise starving yourself is going to cause more damage than good. Malnutrition is a very bad thing, I highly recommend that you seek out help for your eating disorder

-Christina

[Guest oblita]

I sort of have a therapist, trying to choose between them. How would they help me with this anyway, does it even need helping? Maybe It's a good thing that i'm working on changing my image. Maybe if the worse does happen it's doing something good for the world.

[Guest JeepGirl90]

there is nothing wrong with changing your image, but starving yourself is a serious issue and can cause serious irreversible damage to your body. So you need to address this issue before something bad happens.

[Guest oblita]

People around the world go hungry, they don't die so long as they get fed sooner or later. I eat every once in a while even if it's unintentional.

[Guest oblita]

story keeps repeating itself. Don't eat for a week or so and after only two or three days of binging gain almost all of it back. This is the kind of stuff that makes me so upset. Stupid scale.

[Guest Jennifer T]

Jeepgirl is correct, oblita. If you need to diet, there are many successful, healthy and safe methods of doing so. Starving yourself for a week at a time is not one of them. Your body needs nutrients daily. How much depends in many factors - individual metabolism, activity level , current weight, etc. when you throw yourself into starvation mode, your body tells itself to survive. And it will take measures to ensure the health and survival of the parts it deems most important and sacrifice the parts it deems less important. Then, when you feed it, it takes whatever it can get and stores it.

Seriously, you're harming yourself. A good earth plan is what you need AND a level of exersize. Lots of resources available do you need/want help locating some?

[Guest oblita]

Okay so my doctor put me on some more antidepressant meds and I've started eating again. I'm sorry for upsetting everyone. Idk if I'll go back to fasting or not but in the mean time since I've been taking the medicine I'm feeling a lot better. You might even say I feel happy

[Charlize]

i'm sorry you feel you were upsetting us dear. Please don't feel that way. Many of us know what you are going through and body image is important. I'm glad you have gotten on some medication to help. It helped me for years. As far as weight goes it has been a slow (years) but satisfying experience for me. I'm so glad i've shed some weight and seem to have found a balance to keep it there. Try to get some help with it. Never quick but such a good project to work on for both your body and mind.

Hugs,

charlie

[Guest Gypsyfeenix]

Sorry for upsetting everyone

What upsets me is that you feel this way about yourself.

I just turned 41, and I look back at myself, and how I punished my body and mind this way. I was a purge-type of gal. I'd pig out, then barf my guts up. I wrecked my esophagus, gave myself a bleeding ulcer ( I'm on permanent meds for it), ruined my teeth from the stomach acids eating away at them, and I am still working on my self-worth.

You are doing long term damage to yourself. I know I'm kind of preaching to the choir here, but it begs repeating: what you are doing can kill you. Your heart can only take so much. Your body can only be put through this for so long before organs start to fail and shut down. Kidney failure, bowel problems and coma are all dangers for you now. I know you want to live and be healthy. I want that for you, too.

You need to get some help. You need to talk to someone about your mind and emotions. We can tell you that you are wonderful and incredible til the cows come home, but it's only going to get through to you if you hear us saying it.

I'm concerned for you. I really am. You are carrying such a huge burden.

Consider this, too: Transition will happen for you in time. What may hold you back is that you aren't healthy, in mind and in body. You have a goal of building a beautiful house to live in, but you have to lay the foundations first. In order for you to transition, you have to work on the stuff you have now first. Killing yourself this way won't do it. I know - I've seen too many people I love leave me.

I'm sorry if I sound overly passionate, but it scares me that you are in the place you are in. You said you have a therapist - how are they helping you to cope with this tremendous feelings you are carrying?

[JJ]

Food and controlling food are not a basis for self worth. Not a way to control life and judge what kind of person you are. I'm glad the medication is helping and that you are able to eat but I am hearing that the whole issue is very tied up with your self worth and self image and that it would be a good idea to see if you can arrange for counseling or therapy to help get a handle on it.

It isn't that I don't understand at least to some extent. Medical issues caused me to let myself get to a point where I no longer had a life. Couldn't stand long enough to even cook a tv dinner or walk more than 30 feet. So when I got a handle on it at last and got healthy any weight fluctuation threatens me. I also tend to feel too fat some days even though an internist told me I don't have enough body fat. But I want to feel good. I want to be healthy and enjoy my life and I make that the focus. Losing weight or being thin doesn't make me a better or happier person -being healthy and able to enjoy my life does. And they are related but not the same thing.

You need an eating disorder therapist. Medication is a help but resolving the issues at the heart of the problem is the cure. You'll find if you do research on those who go hungry around the world that it does kill them eventually and when it doesn't permanently damages their health in devastating ways. Including eventually even brain damage. An occasional fast is one thing on a regular basis it produces toxins that are damaging to organs including the liver, heart and brain. The info is out there on the web if you do a search on the long term effects of malnutrition.

You will pay and pay and pay again for the things you do to your body now. And it starts long before you think. Or you can seek help and feel good and healthy and focus your energy on real accomplishments

Don't know if it will help you as well but taking pictures of myself seems to help me see my body in more realistic terms generally. It is different than the mirror. For me anyway. I was going through a time a few months ago when I felt I needed to lose more weight-felt fat again in spite of what the Dr said-but happened to see a picture of a group event I had attended and noticed this really thin guy standing in one pic. I was thinking how much that looked like my hoodie and I didn't remember seeing another one there. Then I realized it was me. Brought me back to reality fast. When I start feeling like I have to lose more weight i think about that picture because I still wear the same size so I know I'm not fat. I've been working out and put on muscle in the upper body but not gained weight so I am actually probably even a little thinner as far as the rest of my body. Sometimes it isn't easy when your body image gets distorted but maybe taking a pic would help too?

Johnny

[Guest Nikkichick33]

Hello Oblita. Sorry your going through that and Feel the way you do. I have to ask why you think 148lbs is Disgusting? right Now Im about 149. I welcome everyone to trot over to my gallery, Look at my Pics, then tell me Im Disgusting. I dont know how tall you are, But, im 5'11" I know im not Disgusting. There is nothing wrong with A little weight. Ive been on Hrt 6 months, Im small framed and a very solid perky 36A, Just sayin. good Luck, hope you get it worked out.

Nikki.