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Suicide. My conclusion.


Guest (Lightsider)

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Guest (Lightsider)

Often times I think we try and avoid this word thinking if we do not use it, it will just go away.

But that is not how life works. It is a part life and it shaped my life. Many of you know that my friend took her own life 5 years ago this April. It is in her memory that I make this post. Sarah was a young transitioner. She had the world before her. She would have been 27 years old last December. But instead she chose to end her life thinking it would make life easier for those around her around her she loved. That coupled with the fact she was miss-treated within the community at the time and still finding public acceptance, plus being on DIY HRT did not help matters. She would tell me she was too embarrassed to go to her family Dr. for help. She refused to go to any other Dr.

Sarah was just a girl caught in a place that was tough. Her parents while shocked at first ultimatly expressed their love and understanding for Sarah. But Sarah thought she brought them shame for being trans. So she ended it one day.

Sarah's warped perception of reality was a serious fault.

I was contacted by her mother the next day and given the news on April 18th. Uptil this point I thought I was a pretty strong person until I collapsed at the school I was attending. The news was too much for me to bare. I went from a student with perfect attendance, high test scores to a person who could barely cope. I landed in the hospital 3 times. I barely made it out of school and passed the state exams. The pain she left with me was unbelievable. My mother passed away in 2001 and I thought that was bad. My mothers death left me with anxiety attacks. I was left with planning her entire funeral and clearing out her house. She was estranged from the rest of her except for me. I was all she had for family.

So I really thought I could endure any death. But this suicide nearly killed me. It broke my spirit in a way that nothing else could. I questioned how I could go on and live. Here was this young trasitioner and I failed her and I started to think my life was of little worth. That was my pain. But you know what? Her mothers pain was 100 times worse than mine. Imagine that if you can.

For the next 5 years her mother and I would communicate and still do. She in many ways became my mother, my confidant. She would watch me transition and learn many things about what her daughter was experiencing. Sarah's mother was robbed of the chance to get to know her daughter. Whom she only met once or twice when Sarah came home from college for the holidays. She only got to spend one christmas and easter with Sarah. Sarah was loved by her mother. Sure her mother was at odds with the changes, but she was proud of Sarah.

In October of 2007 I warned her family that Sarah was suicidal. But the warning was not taken seriously enough because Sarah denied it. Said every thing was ok. But I knew differently. You see, Sarah was about to end it all in October of that year and I talked her out of if. I guess, at least her family got to spend some time with this beautiful daughter of theirs? But I still failed.

..or did I?

Out of the blue out of no where Sarah took her life. Even I was shocked because Sarah hid her feelings from every one the second time around.

Something I want to leave with you all. Sarah was just like any of you especially the young transitioner. Filled with doubt about passing. Pain. Anguish over being born wrong. She was no different than you. But she had this idea that she was a burden and shame to her family. her perception was warped. Just like our perception of our selves can be when we look in the mirror and see a guy. Or some other flaw. You have to ask is it our own perception or is that real?

So, where am I going with this. Suicide not only kills the person taking their own life, but it kills a part of every one AROUND you that knew you. You see what I mean? You are not the only victim of your hand, it kills every one else. There are parts of me that will never be the same. In fact one of the reasons I went silent for a long time on Laura's was because I was not sure I would ever be able to deal with another loss of a beautiful soul and survive it myself.

So I put up barriers, and gained weight and slowly started my own march towards death. I was dying. I gave up on life.

I am fortunant. I am blessed and I earned where I am in life now. I paid a dear price and I survived. Please, if you are considering taking your own life stop because most people do not rebound the way I did. Consider your actions and what devestation you will leave behind. Nothing in this world is worse than losing a person to suicide because it leaves open questions that can never be answered. And this is another reason, the wars within the community need to stop. Closure can never happen for her mother. Sarah left me picking up the pieces of her mother. The pain her mother is going through and will go through the rest of her life is profound.

I am thankful to Laura's playgound for it's support of the trans community. I know this place has saved many lives.

Reach out for help if you need it. Silence kills. A warped perception of reality kills.

Thank you for reading this.

One thing I would like to add, after surviving this...there is nothing. and I mean nothing that can rock my world. Even if some guy walked up and called me the worst names you can imagine. In a way this experience has made me bullet proof. The only thing that could probably bring me to my knees again...is another loss of life to suicide.

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Guest KimberlyF

This has always been a difficult road for me. One that I have very little desire to take but I know I have to. I spent almost a year trying to get myself to want to do this. Finally I just came to the conclusion that I'll have to settle for the understanding that I have to do this and it is better than some of the alternatives.

I've said I often use humor and sarcasm as a tool because its harder to cry when you're laughing. I think when we start to get into our 30's, 40's ect, we've developed defenses to help keep us going.

In telling my story I've used cliches like 'transition or die' to describe where I was. And I was in a bad spot. I risked a 10 year marriage and a happy home. It wasn't just for kicks.

Two days ago I was in therapy and I was discussing how far I've come, and my therapist described where I was when I started. The topic of self-harm and things of this nature came up. I had this sudden feeling of darkness fall upon me. And a voice inside that said you were a lot closer that you've ever admitted to yourself. I thought about what that would have done to my wife and my kids and I just started to cry. I cried for about 20 mins off and on. We didnt talk about much else the rest of the session.

I was out at dinner that evening and my kids both had huge smiles and I just started to feel very anxious. I had to leave the table and sit in the bathroom for a bit because I felt an anxiety attack coming on.

This has never been an easy road as I try to balance my needs with my family. But I am in a different place than I was a few years ago. The decision should never be should I do X or should I kill myself. Do X. And then Y and Z if you have to.

I thought the decision to move forward made me feel guilt at times. Spending time thinking how close I came to ending my life and forcing my kids into some compromised childhood has been suffocating.

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Guest (Lightsider)

Thank you all. As April 17th draws close I am not thrilled about it. I have 4 deaths in that same time frame. 16th, 17th, 18th and the 19th. Sarah's mother is already having a hard time dealing with the 5th year of not having her daughter. So I am bracing for that day so I can be of support to her. That for me carries a different kind of pain...watching her mother struggle with this. It is heart breaking to see the pain she is going through.

It should be her own daughter watching succeed...not me. What a ripoff?!

Any way. I am dealing with this just fine. I have my times but for the most part I made peace.

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Guest (Lightsider)

Accalia, your post brought me to tears. You have no idea how often I think of you and how you remind me of Sarah. I so loved Sarah. Her loss is with me for ever. And Accallia if you ever took your own life it would hurt me and those you love around you more than you will ever know.

It has taken a lot for me to surface on Laura's and speak out. It is a huge risk. I have a very special spot in my heart especially for the young ones. If I could not save Sarah..please let it be some one else...Let it be you. Please?

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  • Forum Moderator

Nicole,Absolutey excellent and a most needed post.

Most people shy away from discussing this issue. It's like a cancer or plague both ending up the same way- death. I have a lifetime friend [60 yrs] that is bipolar. And dealing with her episodes including cutting and very close to ending it all has been a very rough situation to deal with at times. Being best friends she would always call me. I got to the point that I dreaded to hear my phone ring or the EMS squad being sent out. I just figured that it was her and she had decided to end it all.

The meds that the drs had her on were terrible. Sometimes the cure was worse than the problem it seemed to me. Finally, over the past 2 years she has moved to Columbus and found some decent drs and is doing so much better.

Personally, I prefer to avoid the sucide issues whenever possible. I tend to leave that to someone who is far more versed in this subject and able to give better advice. I feel that I would do a dis-service to run right in and start to try and dominate the situation. I guess that's why I usually do not go near sucidal issues here on Laura's, I leaqve it to the older and far more experienced mods. Now, that's not to say that I won't jump in if I am really needed, so please do not take that the wrong way.

Mike

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Guest -guest-

Personally, I prefer to avoid the suicide issues whenever possible. I tend to leave that to someone who is far more versed in this subject and able to give better advice.

I feel the same way, Mike. Although my heart breaks for anyone with that mindset, I don't feel qualified to engage them in a time of crisis because I've never had suicidal feelings or gone through the experience with anyone else. It would be too easy for me to say the wrong thing or give the appearance of not really understanding.

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Guest (Lightsider)

Thank you Mike. I completly understand.

Now that I am calm and tear free. Accalia, you are the one who inspired me to stop hiding my oil paintings. Your life like every one elses is like a ripple in a lake. It has cause and effect. Remove that life and you remove one of the rings. See, your music inspires me and I have actually listened to your music while doing an oil painting. Cause and effect....That is why you can not leave this world. You are far more important than you realize. :)

I would rather have you here, creating things than being an echo from the past. I am so happy to read your posting above. I was not expecting you to post that. In fact it is a surprise. Hugs for you!

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Guest shani d

well i cant realy say thanks for bringing this up as that is a realy sensitive spot for me

my mental meltdowns are just keeping on hitting me as i lose everything i want in the world and today i already cryed 3 times and that made me cry another 2 times but i know no matter how much i would love to end it all i just cant do it to my loved ones cant do it to my mom brother father grandparents and friends cant leave them with a never healing wound that will forever bleed but with that comes more pain as i know i must keep on but on other side feel that i cannot continue one more day

i am litteraly begging for attention for someone on my family to come and tell me i look odd sad depressed or just notice red eyes full of tears so i can kickstart and maybe get some help from them as i cant help myself anymore all by myself but i cant i cant kickstart a conversation with anyone by myself sort of just come over and tell someone i care about that i am just melting coz i know there is not much they can do to help so i just start to think of "creative/ self harming ways" to get attention to the fact that i need help as soon as possible before i start considering to not give ........ about loved ones and just do something drastic

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Guest (Lightsider)

well i cant realy say thanks for bringing this up as that is a realy sensitive spot for me

my mental meltdowns are just keeping on hitting me as i lose everything i want in the world and today i already cryed 3 times and that made me cry another 2 times but i know no matter how much i would love to end it all i just cant do it to my loved ones cant do it to my mom brother father grandparents and friends cant leave them with a never healing wound that will forever bleed but with that comes more pain as i know i must keep on but on other side feel that i cannot continue one more day

i am litteraly begging for attention for someone on my family to come and tell me i look odd sad depressed or just notice red eyes full of tears so i can kickstart and maybe get some help from them as i cant help myself anymore all by myself but i cant i cant kickstart a conversation with anyone by myself sort of just come over and tell someone i care about that i am just melting coz i know there is not much they can do to help so i just start to think of "creative/ self harming ways" to get attention to the fact that i need help as soon as possible before i start considering to not give ........ about loved ones and just do something drastic

I know...it is sensitive. I wish I could give you a magic answer all. But the truth is every one deals with different situations. The key I think is finding a way to cope with things you can not control and find a way to change the things you can control.

I am sorry this brought you to tears. I hope you know you are not alone. You too are a ripple in the pond of life and it would be just tragic to remove that light in you from the world. I can tell you, life can change in a heart beat. It can go from bad to worse to good to most fullfilling. I have found much of the outcome in life has to do with my attitude and approach.

Maybe it is not yet time to kick start things? Let me give you an example of how life can change without warning. I am now 46 years old. I never thought I would ever have SRS. But that suddenly with out warning changed for me. By this time next year the dream I never thought would become reality is coming true. Now imagine if I gave it all up and took my life when I was young...I would have never got to see this dream come true. and you know what? The best is yet to come. And the best is yet to come for you. I know it!

Shani, you are not alone. You have us and we have you. Give life a chance. :) hang in there.

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Guest shani d

today i tryed to get one of the things i so wish to have in my life

the one person i love and wish to be in a relationship with

an ftm whom i love so much with who i hoped to live with and i asked him if we can try to go out toghether

but he is not up to relations anytime soon so yea lost that too

cant transition anytime soon coz some people in my work[im 19] are religious and are older then i am

cant even dress nor publicly nor privately as im too afraid to ask my mom about it due to past incidents of disacceptance of her side

cant do anything bad to my body tho i hate it and despise every piece of it more as days progress coz i know that would hurt my family beyond my imagination

so in short im torned and stuck in a middle spot for a long time now

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Guest (Lightsider)

I see you are from Israel. I am sure that adds a bit of unique problems to over come? Can you elaborate on that so I can get a better understanding?

Where would you like to be in say...5 years from now?

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Guest (Lightsider)

im not realy sure this is the place to start a sort of a 1 on 1 conversation

That is up to you. If you would like you can PM me. Sometimes when others can see what is being said other types of wisdom can chime in and help.

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Guest shani d

other then israel having strict religios rules against gay marriage and some people are transphobic as known

i think for me its pretty clear what would be my wish to be in 5 years if i will hold up

i dont realy care about children as i did cope with my disability of being a biological mom altho i would love to adopt

i wish to be with the one and the only guy i love

a much more of a woman then i am now with a lot more freedom of expression of myself

thriving towards living older and happier

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Guest (Lightsider)

Shani, Do you have any plans to leave the country? i know for me..if I was living in Utah...the hotbed of mormonism I would be looking for way out of there. Keep in mind do not know you personally so I do not know what personal hurdles you face in leaving. Just thinking outloud at the moment. Looking for ideas.

I can understand the contraints you feel.

If I could not save Sarah..please let it be some one else...Let it be you. Please?

yes. i will do that :)

Hugs. You made my day.

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Guest (Lightsider)

Nice. Game design is a very lucrative field. I have a background in graphic design. Who knows you might find a place in that field. Are there any countries in mind you would like to move too?

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