Suicide. My conclusion.

[Guest Edu]

I don't have much to add to the thread (at least for now), but I wanted to thank AJTaurus7 for reviving it.

[Guest Xeriis]

Xeriis, I don't usually look in on this thread as its a painful subject for me. However for whatever reason I clicked in to read your post(s)(yes the whole thing, I made it to the bottem ), I have yet to be brought to tears by someone else's posts until now, so much of your story is so familiar. We here so often deal with so much pain, and a unimaginable burden that few can relate to so we hide it sometimes for the sake of others, sometimes from shame, sometimes both that we lose our selves in our situations. We keep trying to survive from day to day walking through our lives on thin ice.. until it breaks. I have reached the point that you are at not just once, but twice each time had different events but like you they forced me into taking some kind of action. Sometimes when we have absolutely nothing left to give is when we find the courage to break past our fears.. because what do we have left to lose at that point?

I want to thank you for sharing you're story Xeriis, I am happy that the things you have read here have inspired you to choose something other than accepting your end. Now that you have found a path forward I hope that you continue moving forward with your life and reach a much better place. It is so easy to feel like we are alone in our suffering but many of us have been through this or are going through this as well and you should always feel safe to share with us, because you aren't alone! I think any one of us is here for you if you need someone to talk to. I hope you keep us updated on your progress, and I wish you all the best with everything.

It has been a long time since anything has caused me to just break down, but your reply did just that. I cried good and long for the first time in memory and am now replying. It took me about 4-5 hours to actually make my post(s), I kept deleting, rearranging, and changing things not sure how much or little to include and how much background to give. At the end of it all, I debated for 30 minutes whether I should even post it thinking it was probably Way too much information, it was too long, or I just thought people would think I was a crazy person (I thought of that scene from V From Vendetta where when asked "Are you like a crazy person?" he replied "I am quite sure they will say so." Even after posting and sleeping I was nervous to come back and even see if my post was approved, and if so what responses (if any) there were. After an hour I finally brought myself to LP to see and was glad I did. I have hit rock bottom twice now, the first was 2 1/2 years ago and I was in a similar situation, on a lot of antidepressants (the doctors said upping the dose any more likely wouldn't make a difference), anti-anxiety medications, sleep meds, and I was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes due to poor everything and lack of caring. I didn't know what I wanted in life, but eventually, with a lot of help, we got my life back on track for a while until I came to where I am now.

One turning point for me (in a few different ways) was hearing my friend talk about Jenna Talackova. Hearing how most everyone (everyone male) was checking her out like she was a piece of meat and as he was doing so he turned to a cousin of mine who was making quick hand gestures to tell me to stop doing that. Later he told my friend she was a trans woman and I sat there and listened to the extreme disgust both had shared about her. Outwardly I just agreed with him hoping that would put an end to the conversation sooner. I later looked her up to see what all this controversy was about. She is beautiful and when I saw her I didn't feel disgust, I was intrigued and curious more than ever before. It also made me sad for her for how people react to her and to know how some of my family and friends would feel about this topic.

So far, other than posting here and a couple of the employees at one of the stores I shop at (who eventually realized I was shopping for myself, but are Very nice about it lol), I have told no one in my life. I guess I know there will just be disgust on their part, even if they won't show it. I am even more paranoid they will try to get me "help" and try force me into some program where reparative therapy is used, all the while they'll justify it, that its a necessity to 'fix me' again. As nice as it would be to call out for help and having it come that would mean someone would have to take care of my pet and/or pack up my apartment and put everything in storage, either of which would lead to me being outed when they realize my wardrobe and most of dresser doesn't actually have male clothes in it. For me going back to live at home with my mother (parents divorced) while an offered option, it really isn't for me. It means I'll have to pack away everything and try to live 100% as a male again and just hope everything else goes away. Or come out to my parents and then try to live at home with shame and the knowledge that while some may offer support, some will pretend it doesn't exist, most are disgusted. I've concluded I now need to find someplace better to go. I've thought about coming out (even partially) to my cousin's wife as she wasn't raised mormon and has a more open view, but I always decide against this as she shares Everything with her husband, who would then share it with my family. Although I haven't I haven't come out to her, I am able to share my love of B&BW (bath & body works) and some perfume (both of which I've given logical reasons why I have) with her and my cousin, neither of which has said anything bad about this so far. (I think a lot of my family thinks I am secretly gay and just won't admit it. I actually have been asked a few times by them, parents included. I always reply that I am attracted to girls and while a true statement, I don't think they believe me or even realize the complication)

Thank you all for posting. That alone is the beginning of an opening up. When we reach out we may be more vulnerable but there is always a hand to help you up here at Laura's. You all prove that once again. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If we give ourselves time miracles come and we can free ourselves from the pit we have gotten into. When i stopped drinking to kill myself and got help it took time but over the years i became honest with myself and the world. These forums and the help i found from a GT, Laura's and friends finally allowed me to be myself without the guilt i had always felt.

I'm so glad you are posting Xeriis. Please keep us in your loop. The chatrooms are set up for even more help if you think about suicide again. We are here for each other dear. I doubt any of us have found the path to feeling right about ourselves has been easy. We often despair but often all we need is some help. Hope to see you around the forums.

Hugs,

Charlie

While chatrooms and distress lines are helpful, I honestly wouldn't know what to see if I did use one. I had someone call me back yesterday literally 60 seconds after I left a message on the intake line for the mental health clinic (I was advised it usually takes 2-3 days for a callback) and mentioned it was kind of an emergency, but I didn't really know what to say so she just advised I call a distress line and set up the assessment appointment. I thought about calling a distress line yesterday or the day before, but figured I would probably just say I wanted to talk and I'd probably just be pushed off as maybe wasting time. I've kind of mastered sounding, looking, acting, and pretending to be ok or even happy. For the most part everyone thinks I'm doing fine and for now I'm ok with that, it makes it much harder to be sent anywhere against my will as the overall decision comes down to my word versus someone else and not a group. I enjoy posting because it allows me control over the whole process. I have time to think about what I want to say and to actually say it and then review and rearrange it in whatever way I want before anyone sees any of it. Don't you ever have conversations where you wished you'd said things in a different order or just said them differently. As I'm a fairly passive person, my voice often gets drowned out in any argument or disagreement and I'm only ever to convey a few main points, which by themselves are just dismissed. Its how I've 'lost' pretty much all discussions with my father whenever he says he needs to talk to me or make a plan for my life or get me some help.

PS - sorry for another long post ^_____^

[Guest Sarah Faith]

No need to apologize Xeriis, I am happy that you feel safe enough here to share with us.

Like I said, I am happy that you found Laura's Playground and it has helped inspire you to think of a future that involves you living!

Hugs,

Sarah

[Guest BeccaC]

My heart truly goes out to anyone that feels that this is their only option. I wish I could say I don't know how that feels, but unfortunately I do.. I can still remember exactly how I felt at the very worst moment in my life, and it still haunts me to this day.. Life is so hard, even for someone that "fits" into that cookie cutter mold society thinks they should fit in let alone when your dealing with the cards most of us have been dealt... I wish I could say that I fully recovered from my attempt and never looked back... Sadly I don't think a single day has past and I haven't thought about that day.. I won't go into details, but I'm positive that it's a miracle that I am here typing on my keyboard now.. Most days when I think about it, I am thankful for that miracle.. Other days I regret being given that second chance, because I feel like I've failed everyone around me.. If anyone is considering doing this, all I can hope and pray for is that they get help before they try, maybe then you can put it behind you...Even though I survived, I don't think I will ever truly be over it.. Those demons will probably haunt me till the day I die...

[Guest Bellexia]

I've honestly come as close as I have ever come in the past few days. For four months I was lead on. For four months I believed I had truly thought I found love... Then It crashed on me, she left and closed everything that she used to talk to me. She left a simple few messages that I wasn't anything to her. I've been nothing but a joke to all the people I've been with... I still don't know what I am going to do. I just know that I spent 20 minutes trying to get find my password here... Maybe that's a good sign... I don't know but I do know that if I do decide out of it, that I will be permanently wounded, and never trust people again...

I feel for people who are looking at this razors edge. I truly do...

[Guest AJTaurus7]

I don't have much to add to the thread (at least for now), but I wanted to thank AJTaurus7 for reviving it.

You're welcome, Ethain

[Guest Nat]

Thank you for posting your very touching story Nicole, i needed to hear it also

[Guest XFaelanX]

Thank you posting this.

-Amanda

[Guest Strong]

This is a very hard subject. Through the years watching everyone live and me feeling like I was only observing. I became a mother and When the times get so hard and I feel it would be better to end it all. I keep my children close and I know they need me no matter what.

So I keep struggling through it to be me.

Strong

[Guest Jennifer T]

My heart truly goes out to anyone that feels that this is their only option. I wish I could say I don't know how that feels, but unfortunately I do.. I can still remember exactly how I felt at the very worst moment in my life, and it still haunts me to this day.. Life is so hard, even for someone that "fits" into that cookie cutter mold society thinks they should fit in let alone when your dealing with the cards most of us have been dealt... I wish I could say that I fully recovered from my attempt and never looked back... Sadly I don't think a single day has past and I haven't thought about that day.. I won't go into details, but I'm positive that it's a miracle that I am here typing on my keyboard now.. Most days when I think about it, I am thankful for that miracle.. Other days I regret being given that second chance, because I feel like I've failed everyone around me.. If anyone is considering doing this, all I can hope and pray for is that they get help before they try, maybe then you can put it behind you...Even though I survived, I don't think I will ever truly be over it.. Those demons will probably haunt me till the day I die...

Becca, three years ago I sat in a hotel room in Portland, OR with a bottle pills.

I didn't do it.

On another day, I sat and stared at the end of a loaded rifle.

I didn't do it.

I failed.

And I still feel like I've failed everyone. To live as I am is to live in pain. To move forward with transition is to fail my wife, my children, this 'world' of mine I've created.

No matter what, it always feels I've failed.

How does one not feel that way?

[Guest BeccaC]

My heart truly goes out to anyone that feels that this is their only option. I wish I could say I don't know how that feels, but unfortunately I do.. I can still remember exactly how I felt at the very worst moment in my life, and it still haunts me to this day.. Life is so hard, even for someone that "fits" into that cookie cutter mold society thinks they should fit in let alone when your dealing with the cards most of us have been dealt... I wish I could say that I fully recovered from my attempt and never looked back... Sadly I don't think a single day has past and I haven't thought about that day.. I won't go into details, but I'm positive that it's a miracle that I am here typing on my keyboard now.. Most days when I think about it, I am thankful for that miracle.. Other days I regret being given that second chance, because I feel like I've failed everyone around me.. If anyone is considering doing this, all I can hope and pray for is that they get help before they try, maybe then you can put it behind you...Even though I survived, I don't think I will ever truly be over it.. Those demons will probably haunt me till the day I die...

Becca, three years ago I sat in a hotel room in Portland, OR with a bottle pills.

I didn't do it.

On another day, I sat and stared at the end of a loaded rifle.

I didn't do it.

I failed.

And I still feel like I've failed everyone. To live as I am is to live in pain. To move forward with transition is to fail my wife, my children, this 'world' of mine I've created.

No matter what, it always feels I've failed.

How does one not feel that way?

Jennifer I am so sorry I am just now seeing this, I haven't been on LP in a while.. Life just got in the way as it normally tends to do. I do want you to know my heart goes out to you, it really does. I totally understand how you feel.. I love my wife, my three girls, and my step son more than anything.. Even though I know it pains them, I am moving forward with my transition, albeit slowly, not to hurt them.. If I died by my own hand I know that pain would be so much greater for them than me transitioning.

I chose to move forward, not for myself but for them.. If I chose to keep trying to fight, or hide, this part of me it would have ended up killing me anyway.. I chose to face it head on and deal with it, however I needed to for them, not in spite of them.. I would rather be able to see my children grow up and have families of their own someday.. Even though they might not understand what I am going through, they do know that I love them, and I always will.. They also know that if they need me, I will always be there.. I refuse to attempt to check out again. I'd rather face the pain, and the hurt, to be able to be there if needed.. They are my children, and my promise of being their Dad means I HAVE to do everything in my power to be there..

Is it easy, heck no it's not.. Life is never easy, even if you are not saddled with our issue... I will keep going because of my family.. Even if they don't want me in their life right now, I have to be there when they do.

Much love to you, I wish I knew what to say to ease your burden.. I really do.

Rebecca.

[Guest Jennifer T]

Becca, no apologies are necessary. Thank you for sharing your story and experience with this mess.

Peace and grace to you this day.

[Guest tsubasa]

Hi there,

I read your post, and it was moving. I nearly killed myself once a while back.

Unfortunately, when my ex-family found out that I wouldn't be able to give them grandchildren, they went through the same thing. I'm already dead to them. I don't understand why cis folks jump to such hasty conclusions.

Now I find myself wondering whether I'm already dead, some kind of zombie or ghost typing on this keyboard.

My condolances.

Thanks,

Tsubasa

[Guest angels wings]

Tsubassa you are not dead but so amongst friends who care for you (((((((hugs)))))

Angel ((((((hugs))))filled with hope

[Guest Opal]

Often times I think we try and avoid this word thinking if we do not use it, it will just go away.

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So, where am I going with this. Suicide not only kills the person taking their own life, but it kills a part of every one AROUND you that knew you. You see what I mean? You are not the only victim of your hand, it kills every one else. There are parts of me that will never be the same. In fact one of the reasons I went silent for a long time on Laura's was because I was not sure I would ever be able to deal with another loss of a beautiful soul and survive it myself.

So I put up barriers, and gained weight and slowly started my own march towards death. I was dying. I gave up on life.

I am fortunant. I am blessed and I earned where I am in life now. I paid a dear price and I survived. Please, if you are considering taking your own life stop because most people do not rebound the way I did. Consider your actions and what devestation you will leave behind. Nothing in this world is worse than losing a person to suicide because it leaves open questions that can never be answered. And this is another reason, the wars within the community need to stop. Closure can never happen for her mother. Sarah left me picking up the pieces of her mother. The pain her mother is going through and will go through the rest of her life is profound.

I am thankful to Laura's playgound for it's support of the trans community. I know this place has saved many lives.

Reach out for help if you need it. Silence kills. A warped perception of reality kills.

Thank you for reading this.

One thing I would like to add, after surviving this...there is nothing. and I mean nothing that can rock my world. Even if some guy walked up and called me the worst names you can imagine. In a way this experience has made me bullet proof. The only thing that could probably bring me to my knees again...is another loss of life to suicide.

And thank you for making your post.

My brother happened to be visiting me when we got word that his son had committed suicide. I saw my brother instantly age from that news, and he will never be quite the same.

Please give it more time, and please contact someone for help.

[Guest fantomphlame]

This post perfectly explains why I have not (and will not) take my life. I've got the brains to do it quick and effectively, and I'd be lying if I said that the temptation hadn't been nearly overwhelming (to the point of starting to prepare) on numerous occasions. The thing is, there are people who I know care about me. And even though I know they wouldn't accept me for who I really am (a woman), I know it would hurt them very deeply for me to kill myself. So while I may know that my life on this planet is not particularly important, while I may know that being trans is no easy road to walk, and while I may not care about myself, I care about other people who do care about me and I could never do that to them.

I can 100% relate to being totally impenetrable except when seeing other people get hurt is involved.

[Guest Deanna]

I don't usually dig in to the forums to deep. But this one was very timely for me. Thank you. I sometimes forget what ending it would do to my kids. But, it is a constant struggle for me, but if I can keep focusing on them then I will make it through. This is a tough journey and you really find out those that aren't really your friends.

Thanks again,

Deanna