Suicide. My conclusion.

[Guest (Lightsider)]

Just so you all know, Sarah's mother has been reading this thread. She expressed that she needed to see this. She cried and she is reading your responses. She might want me to relay a message on her behalf later. So if you want to say something directly to her, please by all means do so. Her name is Peggy. She is not a member of the board so she can not reply directly.

[Guest shani d]

i got so many goals and dreams and so little means to get them

[Guest Sascha]

My condolences for Sarah's passing.

I survived another attempt last month, so it's still a little fresh. The sad thing about this is: I didn't care anymore. I was ready to go, more than ready to go.

Just a week before I planned to leave, I had a dream. In that dream I met my future self. My future self was sitting on the grass under a beautiful sky and warm Sun. She cried, and looked me straight in the eye and said to me: "Please don't do it, hold on, look at me: everything will turn out for the better." My future self cried for me. Isn't that beautiful? It was the most fascinating thing I ever experienced. And I didn't do it.

I made a promise to my future self: I will be you, I'll be there.

[Guest -guest-]

I made a promise to my future self: I will be you, I'll be there.

That's a beautiful way of expressing the thought. And what a lovely dream.

One of my frustrations is not being able to convey adequately the message that things do get much better. You need to be older to know it from experience. Until then, you have to accept it on faith. And that's so hard to do when you're in the depths of despair and don't see a way out.

[Guest Sascha]

I also want to say something to Sarah's mother, Peggy: I am so sorry for Sarah's loss.. I can't even imagine the pain, so I am not going to try. I can cry for you and for Sarah. I wish you strength. It's a massive loss... I also wish I could give a hug in these difficult times.

[Guest Sascha]

I made a promise to my future self: I will be you, I'll be there.

That's a beautiful way of expressing the thought. And what a lovely dream.

One of my frustrations is not being able to convey adequately the message that things do get much better. You need to be older to know it from experience. Until then, you have to accept it on faith. And that's so hard to do when you're in the depths of despair and don't see a way out.

Indeed, I was suffering from a clinical depression. The depression took over my thinking. I didn't want to hurt anyone, I didn't want to leave, I didn't want to die, I didn't saw the ramifications. But the depression decides: it's a serious illness that takes lives. To gain strength in a depression is difficult, getting help is nearly impossible in such a state of mind. It's a real tragedy... I do know this: suicide is never a choice. Never.

And yes, faith and hope are so important. Sometimes I still feel the dark clouds drifting over, but I learned to cope with it.

[Guest Gypsyfeenix]

I wish I could add something deep and prolific to this conversation, but I can't. You've said it all.

I've lost so many to suicide, and there are no words that describe what is left behind in the aftermath.

Living day to day is the hardest thing anyone can do. Bravery and courage come in all forms, regardless of how a person sees themselves. Being able to get up in the morning and face the unknown that the day offers can be the most terrifying thing in the world, but we have to soldier on.

I hope and pray that your narrative gives even one person pause so that they can perhaps see those qualities in the mirror, Nicole, and I thank you for writing it.

Blessed be.

[Guest LizMarie]

Thank you, Nicole, for saying this.

thank you, nicole. thank you very much

i needed this post.

makes me think twice, thrice, even four times about suicide

i will stay here

Thank you, Accalia. We're here for you.

[Guest Sascha]

So I like to stress to those who are considering it: Get real help when you are considering something like this. Please reach out, pick up the phone and make that call. Don't think it will blow over. It won't: It comes back at you like a ton of bricks. Ignore it long enough and it will crush you. One hour before I decided to end it, I collected all the strength I had left, and cried for help. I sent an email to people I knew. Help came, and I am so grateful that help came. Remember this: when you reach such a low point, getting help is the last thing you will think about. But please do it, gather you last bit of strength and reach out. It is important to understand that a person does not "choose" suicide, you don't have a choice in this. It's the illness that causes suicide. It is out of your control, and if you think you can control it: better memorize what I just said here, please do, because I don't want to lose any of you. You all are great persons, I know, almost all T's are exceptionally beautifully people, inside and outside.

Big hug from me to YOU!

[Guest Melissa~]

Nicole, your post may be the best post I have seen on LP. I don't talk about my own suicidal past, because I've not able to articulate anything useful out of it. But it is there, I did survive it, and I am still greatly distressed, but not debilitated or currently at risk.

I'm about seven years past the worst of it. That matters because at that point was possibly the most trapped I was in my life too, high-light-able paragraph: bankrupt, crap job, no chance of transition in sight, one hyper religious parent, my then fiance would probably not accept my identity(now my ex, I had read that correctly,) that was eight years after determining I could be TS, yet zero progress, I was concerned my TS thought was just fetishistic impulse. Finally I was struggling with my own inability to seek help for self injury, substance abuses, disclosure of any of these problems, family problems(my abusive brother) and made the decision to treat everyone and everything in my life better. A combination of debt relief, my marriage as flawed as it was, estrangement of my brother, and improved employment were the keys, taken together.

Frankly I saw no exit, but through life changes that I could control I did move forwards and beyond, so very slowly, life improved. My emotions might be on a roller coaster with HT, but ultimately I'm functioning at the highest level ever. I'm not even clear if I had been forced into help if it would have had a positive outcome.

The inability to find a way forward could strike an individual down, that is clear to me from my own insight. The only advice I can truly impart is don't do it, maybe even find a way if you are going through hell to just keep going.

[Guest (Lightsider)]

Nicole, your post may be the best post I have seen on LP. I don't talk about my own suicidal past, because I've not able to articulate anything useful out of it. But it is there, I did survive it, and I am still greatly distressed, but not debilitated or currently at risk.

I'm about seven years past the worst of it. That matters because at that point was possibly the most trapped I was in my life too, high-light-able paragraph: bankrupt, crap job, no chance of transition in sight, one hyper religious parent, my then fiance would probably not accept my identity(now my ex, I had read that correctly,) that was eight years after determining I could be TS, yet zero progress, I was concerned my TS thought was just fetishistic impulse. Finally I was struggling with my own inability to seek help for self injury, substance abuses, disclosure of any of these problems, family problems(my abusive brother) and made the decision to treat everyone and everything in my life better. A combination of debt relief, my marriage as flawed as it was, estrangement of my brother, and improved employment were the keys, taken together.

Frankly I saw no exit, but through life changes that I could control I did move forwards and beyond, so very slowly, life improved. My emotions might be on a roller coaster with HT, but ultimately I'm functioning at the highest level ever. I'm not even clear if I had been forced into help if it would have had a positive outcome.

The inability to find a way forward could strike an individual down, that is clear to me from my own insight. The only advice I can truly impart is don't do it, maybe even find a way if you are going through hell to just keep going.

I am glad you survived. It took me a long time to articulate what happened where Sarah was concerned and where I went off the deep end. My hospitalizations were for suicidal ideation. Those were dark times. My journey is no better or worse than any one elses...I, just like you, was able to survive it. Being a survivor is a testament in it's self Melissa. Maybe that is what you are meant to do with your experience...to add your voice to the others?

[Guest Melissa~]

I am glad you survived. It took me a long time to articulate what happened where Sarah was concerned and where I went off the deep end. My hospitalizations were for suicidal ideation. Those were dark times. My journey is no better or worse than any one elses...I, just like you, was able to survive it. Being a survivor is a testament in it's self Melissa. Maybe that is what you are meant to do with your experience...to add your voice to the others?

I never sought treatment and I don't think it'd help to talk about my own ideations and actions. I used a "thick skin," porcupine defensiveness, I shut down emotionally, and socially. That protected others from myself, but the cost was high.

Instead I'd possibly talk about what got me away from fated time. There were(long) times when my dog was my only friend in the world, it seems all dogs do go to heaven after all. The first and second time me and my ex met she though I disliked her, since I was nonverbal and socially crippled. Those were not chance meetings BTW, they were arranged by my sister, who simply knew I wanted to try dating, and had been remarkably unsuccessful on my own. It was during that period that I was in fact reaching out for something else, anything else, other than ending my life there. I was able to go on actual dates with my ex and open up a bit, a window if you like. I can never really say why my ex accepted those early dates, she must have thought I was cute and vulnerable. It's hard to describe exactly how I grew from a 200 word per day person I was then to the 3000 words or so I use anymore. Anymore I spend an occasional session with my therapist talking about my past. As a side note a thick skin is still an asset for dealing with the rare obnoxious transphobic person.

[Guest Jennifer T]

My sincerest condolences to anyone who has lost a loved one this way. But I do want to say one thing, someone's suicide is not because of you, the living. A person who commits suicide doesn't do it to hurt you. None of us can know exactly how bad another is hurting or exactly how hopeless another feels. And sometimes, life, for whatever reasons, simply becomes too difficult.

I can't judge another.

[Guest Angel Heart]

So I like to stress to those who are considering it: Get real help when you are considering something like this. Please reach out, pick up the phone and make that call. Don't think it will blow over. It won't: It comes back at you like a ton of bricks. Ignore it long enough and it will crush you. One hour before I decided to end it, I collected all the strength I had left, and cried for help. I sent an email to people I knew. Help came, and I am so grateful that help came. Remember this: when you reach such a low point, getting help is the last thing you will think about. But please do it, gather you last bit of strength and reach out. It is important to understand that a person does not "choose" suicide, you don't have a choice in this. It's the illness that causes suicide. It is out of your control, and if you think you can control it: better memorize what I just said here, please do, because I don't want to lose any of you. You all are great persons, I know, almost all T's are exceptionally beautifully people, inside and outside.

Big hug from me to YOU!

you are absolutely correct. i cant agree more... it is very difficult to reach for help when all you want is death.

can you think of any suggestions on just how to reach out for help? i find it very difficult because i dont often want help

[Guest -guest-]

it is very difficult to reach for help when all you want is death.

can you think of any suggestions on just how to reach out for help? i find it very difficult because i dont often want help

Your group of friends here at Laura's Playground counts among its membership many who have been where you are, will not judge you and know that "help" often means simply having someone you can talk to. And even those of us who may not have wrestled with the same problems love you deeply as a person and want so much for you to find the happiness you deserve.

[Guest Sascha]

So I like to stress to those who are considering it: Get real help when you are considering something like this. Please reach out, pick up the phone and make that call. Don't think it will blow over. It won't: It comes back at you like a ton of bricks. Ignore it long enough and it will crush you. One hour before I decided to end it, I collected all the strength I had left, and cried for help. I sent an email to people I knew. Help came, and I am so grateful that help came. Remember this: when you reach such a low point, getting help is the last thing you will think about. But please do it, gather you last bit of strength and reach out. It is important to understand that a person does not "choose" suicide, you don't have a choice in this. It's the illness that causes suicide. It is out of your control, and if you think you can control it: better memorize what I just said here, please do, because I don't want to lose any of you. You all are great persons, I know, almost all T's are exceptionally beautifully people, inside and outside.

Big hug from me to YOU!

you are absolutely correct. i cant agree more... it is very difficult to reach for help when all you want is death.

can you think of any suggestions on just how to reach out for help? i find it very difficult because i dont often want help

Yeah I understand. It didn't want to get help, but somehow I managed to do it in a moment of clarity. If you have such a moment of clarity: use it and get help. Others might not get it, and go through with it. That's the whole tragedy. Also, you are not complaining, this is life threatening. So don't make excuses for yourself, you can get help and help will be there.

[Guest KimberlyF]

you are absolutely correct. i cant agree more... it is very difficult to reach for help when all you want is death.

can you think of any suggestions on just how to reach out for help? i find it very difficult because i dont often want help

Well sometimes we feel as if we've tried everything when we haven't. It becomes easy to convince ourselves that we want death to end the pain.

Ask yourself honestly you want to die or do you just want the pain to go away? Death is a perm solution. Why not at least give all tr other options a try?

[Guest Angel Heart]

thank you guys for your help and observations

Well sometimes we feel as if we've tried everything when we haven't. It becomes easy to convince ourselves that we want death to end the pain.

Ask yourself honestly you want to die or do you just want the pain to go away? Death is a perm solution. Why not at least give all tr other options a try?

yes, you are right. i just want the pain to go away

[Guest (Lightsider)]

It makes me happy to see you all communicating like this.

[mara13]

I don't know how much my two cents is worth (I never had to deal with this topic before), but I can't help but feel a profound loss when ever I hear about some one doing this. I always come away form it thinking that I have lost a friend that I never got to meet!

So please! Don't do it, talk to a friend, even if it's one you haven't met yet! I want to get to know each and every one of you.

PS I actually cried about a dozen times reading this. My sincerest and heart felt wishes and prayers go out to Peggy.

[Guest AJTaurus7]

I wish I knew how to start this out. I keep erasing and rewriting... So I guess I should just go into it.

I've been in and out of suicidal tendencies for quite a while. If that makes any sense.

This is always been hard for me to find the words to put together for this, so I'm going to try to the best of my ability.

Ever since I was a young teen, I've always felt this same pain, experienced the fantasies of dying or being murdered or mutilated, in what I felt like was being free from the thoughts, being free from being disgusted in myself.

I ignored them for a long time, ignoring the tendencies does not help them. Instead it just seems to make things boil over twice as hard. The only thing that's kept me here is this. I've lost a lover and a close family friend to suicide, and I remember being scared and confused when I had heard about it. How hurt I was when I finally faced the reality that my lover and family friend are gone, and I will never have closure as to why, as to what I could have done to help them. Spending almost every day dissecting the things they said to me, analyzing what happened to find out why they would do such a thing. The pain, and the anguish of the lost of these two peoples is deep and searing, almost as deep as the pain of dysphoria that I've kept locked away the day I lost those two.

I locked away the dysphoric pain, ignored it for years. Expressing myself as who I am, but embracing what I had, for my mind's sake, and for my families sake... Because I knew, that if I had acknowledged it, it would just be something else that would just drive me further into following my lover and family friend.

As the years passed, I observed my own feelings, the family of my friend's feelings, the actions and feelings of my family friends... And realized that I should not follow the same path that my lover and friend had taken. That in itself, when it builds and builds with no where to go, is a heavy and hard burden. Putting others in front of yourself because you love your family and friends too much to put them into that kind of anguish once again. I tried to live as normally as possible, despite being pushed away and pushing others away, having a small circle of friends and enduring failing friendships, and one particularly abusive relationship. I lived "normally" for quite some time... Still ignoring everything I felt. Still powering through every day.

Then I got tired of feeling the weight, and one day I just... Cracked.

To this day, I do not remember what happened. I literally came home, and then woke up in the hospital, with my fiancee calling me frantically on my cellphone. No matter how hard I try to think, I can't remember anything. According to my fiancee (who was just a girlfriend at the time), I had taken a lot of "energy shots", caffeine pills, and energy drinks. I almost went through cardiac arrest.

For the following two years after, I'd not come out to anyone but my friends and fiancee, I'd not come out to my parents. I was not receiving help, and I was back in that vicious cycle of being depressed, dysphoric, and it would only get worse as I spiraled downward. But I still held on.

Then recently, I finally took that first step, sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, crying myself to sleep, worrying my fiancee, stressing her out and taking out everything on her like a scumbag.

When you are in that vicious cycle, it is nearly impossible to find that strength within yourself. It is nearly impossible to not think of yourself and the pain you are in. It is nearly impossible to find what you *do* love in life, and find who you love.

The first step is nearly impossible.

But just like I snapped and binged on caffeine and nearly went through cardiac arrest, I snapped and wrote emails to my mother and father, tears in my eyes and sobbing, outlining how I felt about myself, how I felt about life, what I went through in life, about how desperately I needed help. How I wanted out. How I wanted to push my life forward for the sake of myself and the sake of my family, friends, and fiancee.

I've never felt so free. The moment I clicked "Send" and spoke to my parents about it, I no longer felt so trapped. I felt like I was finally prying apart the hydra's jaws to climb out of the gullet and proceed to punch the proverbial hydra in the face. I could finally get on with my life.

My point is that there ARE people who love you. You are NOT a burden. You are NEVER a burden.

Look at the people around you, your friends, your family.

As someone who has lost people to suicide, who has been through suicidal thoughts, and forgive me for being blunt:

Suicide is NEVER an option. Suicide does not fix anything. Suicide only leaves those that you know and love in a constant state of grief. THAT is the TRUE burden you will leave with them. THAT is the TRUE burden you will become.

The only way you can fix anything is to take the first step of getting help. Write a letter, shout, scream, talk calmly, ANYTHING. Just say it straightforward! If they refuse to listen to you, pound it into their head that you NEED help. SCREAM if you need to. I have found that a thorough letter, written in as calm diction as possible, with everything outlined and emphasized is the best way to go.

That first step is always the hardest, believe me, I know. But once you take that step, the rest of the way is easy.

You have a path, you HAVE a chance at life.

Take that step. Climb over the wall. Climb out of the gullet of the beast. GIVE yourself that chance, and you will prevail.

[Guest Xeriis]

Although this post will likely be very long, I've pulled many quotes from several different topics and although this may belong in another forum (introductions??), I felt this was the best place to post this as it directly relates to this topic and it's because of this topic that I even feel compelled to post. (if I do violate any rules or guidelines, I apologize and it was not my intention. I re-read them just in case)(Also I have only quoted some of the original posts, as this would be a massive post otherwise)

This is how I came to be where I am. I am very much hoping this is a no judgment forum. This is quite personal and a lot of info about myself.

Yesterday, as I do every so often, I came onto LP to just browse a little and I came across the topic "Video - 1 year hrt" by dharmagirl. I quite enjoyed the video of her transition and decided to finally make a post to say as much. As with most things, you can't stop at just one so I did some more forum reading and came across this topic ("Suicide. My Conclusion." by (Lightsider) if for some reason this comment is moved from where I'm originally posting this)(I'm also listening to the song from dharmagirl's video while I write this post to help me remember how I felt and why I wanted to post this)

I spent so much of my life being overwhelmed by ever worsening anxiety to the point of being too afraid to even go out the door because of anxiety because of being hit by panic attacks. I've always known that I wasn't really male my earliest memories revolve around me thinking I was a girl and my family desperately trying to make me understand that I wasn't, and I had planned to transition when I turned 18 but things happened. I ended up in a situation where the only place I ever felt safe was at home so I never moved out and never transitioned like I had planned. It's not that I didn't want to, I desperately needed to because there wasn't a day where my gender dysphoria didn't effect me in some way. It was easiest to just bury my head in writing, reading/watching fiction, reading sciency things, or my video games, but any time I tried school or even just went on vacation it was hard to bury and it overwhelmed me at how wrong everything with me was. II felt like there was no way I could transition, I wanted to wait for my great grandparents to pass on so that I wouldn't have to shame them with this so I waited and waited. Well fortunately they haven't yet, but unfortunately it meant the years ticked by with my weight and health issues just getting worse. I only ultimately came out because between my insomnia, panic attacks, and the sciatica and tinnitus that I had developed from weight and emotional stress I felt like I was going to die a lot sooner than later.

Ironically even with all of that I still had so often convinced my self that I was ok, that I just had to wait a little longer. Looking back now I know that I wasn't okay, I wasn't even close to okay but I told my self what I had to tell my self to survive. That's really all I did was survive from one day to the next, that's all I could do. Until I couldn't anymore.

~"Just surviving, and actually living." from the RLT forum

Sarah's story is quite similar to the way my life has been. I have had increasing anxiety and been afraid to even leave my house. It was easiest to consume myself with reading books, watching Tv shows/movies, sleeping a lot, playing with my chinchilla, or go out shopping (mostly window shopping) somewhere I knew no one would know me. I hated my panic attacks and all the anxiety I felt and about 2 years ago I learned to just push all that down. For a while this worked, I was able to kind of function. I started going back to school, I had a job and an apartment and life was so so. Although as time passed I realized that while I didn't really feel the weight or pressure of anxiety, I was growing increasingly more and more tired. I'm assuming the anxiety, although I bury it, still takes a physical toll on me. As bad as this is, I still felt it was better than just having a ton of panic attacks. Most of my life I've always wished I was a girl and wondered why I was born this way. I always wished there was a way to change this, I had seen a couple movies with drag queens, but thought those are definitely just men in women's clothes and makeup and definitely not what I wanted. I've always hated what I saw in the mirror, even when I was in excellent shape (running 10 miles in an hour & working out 2 hours a day) I still could not stand to look at myself in the mirror (especially with less clothes). I am the oldest of a big family and was always looked to and expected to be the role model. My family is quite strongly religious and actively practicing mormons (although not the proper term, the most well known so I'll use it here). I kept any and all thoughts of wishing I was female and hating the fact that I was male to myself. I just assumed there wasn't a way to change this and this is how life is. A friend told me one day about a controversy at work. Someone named Jenna Talackova had applied for a job where he worked and I then learned there was a lot more than just drag queens (this happened early 2012)(Jenna Talackova was in the top 65 applicants for Miss Universe Canada 2012, but was "disqualified on the grounds that the pageant rules required its competitors to be 'naturally born' wormen.") http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jenna_Talackova A link for those interested.

I developed anxiety issues due to my dysphoria. I tried college at least 3 different times and I barely made it through a single semester, between the panic attacks and the fact that I would see girls my age living normal lives.. I'd break down I'd feel suicidal and then I'd withdraw, eventually I just never tried again.

~"What does Real Life Test test exactly?" from the RLT forum

I went back to college and made it through the first semester ok, but not the next two. Growing increasingly more and more tired, just developed to extreme exhaustion pretty much all the time. I started to just sleep all the time, so I went back to the doctor (Feb 2012) and went back onto dexedrine to help me study and also just to get up and function. Again for a little while this was also a quick fix, but over time the dosage had to be upped. I did try going off this, but all I did was sleep for like 2 weeks straight, so I continue to take this.

I never sought treatment and I don't think it'd help to talk about my own ideations and actions. I used a "thick skin," porcupine defensiveness, I shut down emotionally, and socially. That protected others from myself, but the cost was high.

Instead I'd possibly talk about what got me away from fated time. There were(long) times when my dog was my only friend in the world, it seems all dogs do go to heaven after all. The first and second time me and my ex met she though I disliked her, since I was nonverbal and socially crippled. Those were not chance meetings BTW, they were arranged by my sister, who simply knew I wanted to try dating, and had been remarkably unsuccessful on my own. It was during that period that I was in fact reaching out for something else, anything else, other than ending my life there.

So I put up barriers, and gained weight and slowly started my own march towards death. I was dying. I gave up on life.

Over the past few years I've pushed away most everyone and slowly been giving up emotionally, socially and just in general. One of my few constant friends is my Chinchilla (who I got for the soul purpose of having someone around and to be tied to somewhere. It's harder end your life without starving your pet), who is some sort of comfort to me. Like (Lightsider) I feel like I am slowly marching towards death.

In mid-Dec 2012 my anxiety started to get back enough that I could no longer bury it all and while I don't have immobilizing panic attacks anymore, I now just have a mass weight of anxiety almost constantly over me. At this point I also stopped caring about pretty much everything and anyone. I saw a doctor back in Feb 2013 who declared me not able to work, look for work, or goto school or just function in general and to go on disability support. My father is a type A personality, who has to have things always done his way and doesn't really understand mental illness. He believes if you have a problem, to try harder. Naturally he thought the doctor was a bunch of ***** and thinks I'm simply lazy, yet keeps telling me to get help (I guess hoping a different doctor will find a better answer). 3 weeks ago he cut off support and told me I have done nothing in the past 6 years. Also that I needed to get out, get a job, get help, and do something with my life or he'd have me forcibly committed somewhere. After said discussion, I figured I had enough money to last to the end of March and by Apr 8 I would be evicted and then that would be it.

[Guest Xeriis]

PS - The forum said I had too much of Everything for one post, so this is Part 2

I didn't care anymore. I was ready to go, more than ready to go.

... it is very difficult to reach for help when all you want is death.

At the beginning of this week, this is how I felt and I had already decided as much. After accepting something like this my anxiety this week has been such that I am just constantly shaking. Wednesday I woke up thinking, I have 5 days left to live, what should I do to pass the time? All I wanted was death. This is where I was when I decided, why not start posting on LP, not like it matters anymore. I then came across this topic. It has made me think twice.

So I like to stress to those who are considering it: Get real help when you are considering something like this. Please reach out, pick up the phone and make that call. Don't think it will blow over. It won't: It comes back at you like a ton of bricks. Ignore it long enough and it will crush you. One hour before I decided to end it, I collected all the strength I had left, and cried for help. I sent an email to people I knew. Help came, and I am so grateful that help came. Remember this: when you reach such a low point, getting help is the last thing you will think about. But please do it, gather you last bit of strength and reach out. It is important to understand that a person does not "choose" suicide, you don't have a choice in this. It's the illness that causes suicide. It is out of your control, and if you think you can control it: better memorize what I just said here, please do, because I don't want to lose any of you. You all are great persons, I know, almost all T's are exceptionally beautifully people, inside and outside.

Big hug from me to YOU!

you are absolutely correct. i cant agree more... it is very difficult to reach for help when all you want is death.
can you think of any suggestions on just how to reach out for help? i find it very difficult because i dont often want help

Yeah I understand. It didn't want to get help, but somehow I managed to do it in a moment of clarity. If you have such a moment of clarity: use it and get help. Others might not get it, and go through with it. That's the whole tragedy. Also, you are not complaining, this is life threatening. So don't make excuses for yourself, you can get help and help will be there.

thank you guys for your help and observations

Well sometimes we feel as if we've tried everything when we haven't. It becomes easy to convince ourselves that we want death to end the pain.

Ask yourself honestly you want to die or do you just want the pain to go away? Death is a perm solution. Why not at least give all tr other options a try?

yes, you are right. i just want the pain to go away

After reading this entire topic, these things really stuck out. Why not at least give all options another try. I realized why not start transitioning, sure my father will probably disown me, but there is a lot less finality than my other option. Why not give it a try first and see how it goes. Once I decided this, I didn't really care anymore what others would say, it's my life. This is also when that "moment of clarity" came. I had a good sleep and woke up Thursday (Apr 4) with much, much less anxiety. I wanted to do something, I wanted something in life. I cleaned up and started making a few needed changes towards some transition. I went out to find some help. I finally handed in that doctors note and got approved for some financial assistance, received some paperwork for a doctor to fill out to further this. I stopped by and bought some more (and healthier) groceries. I went to a Mental Health Clinic and set up and appointment for an assessment on Monday as a precursor to seeing a psychologist and/or psychiatrist. I stopped by the Pride Center for the first time (it was closed, but I looked at upcoming calender events). Tomorrow I'll try to keep this going and find the rest of rent and a new, more affordable place to live next month. Today (it was Thursday when I started this reply) I've been in a better mood and had less anxiety then any time in recent memory. It's the first time, in a long time, where I'm actually just not waiting/hoping for things to end.

can you think of any suggestions on just how to reach out for help? i find it very difficult because i dont often want help

For me it was just reading experiences of others going through similar situations, having similar feelings and reading about how they overcame it, got through it and are doing much better in life.

As to where I am in a transition, I am 28. I already dress full-time at home (and have been for about 6 months, occasionally before that) and at least waist down under whatever I'm wearing when I go out. Most of what I've bought in the past 8-10 months (clothes, home decorating, etc) is also what I actually wanted. Going out or being around people I dress male (at least I appear as such). I started to just let my hair grow out about 3 months ago. I would like to start HRT and now have made steps to getting a psychologist to step in that direction (although being sterile and losing more weight are things that make me nervous about it. I have been dropping weight to work toward this for about 10 months; 45 lbs, down to 215).

Thanks to all those who shared their experiences in this thread (and many others). Looking back this post is WAY WAY longer than I originally wanted it to be. Thanks to anyone that actually made it to the bottom of this post. I'll definitely try for multiple posts instead next time (assuming a moderator actually approves this). I fear maybe I just rambled on a lot during this post and I hope it all makes sense. I'm afraid if I go back and read it all I'll have second thoughts and never post this. So here goes and come what may.

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Xeriis, I don't usually look in on this thread as its a painful subject for me. However for whatever reason I clicked in to read your post(s)(yes the whole thing, I made it to the bottem ), I have yet to be brought to tears by someone else's posts until now, so much of your story is so familiar. We here so often deal with so much pain, and a unimaginable burden that few can relate to so we hide it sometimes for the sake of others, sometimes from shame, sometimes both that we lose our selves in our situations. We keep trying to survive from day to day walking through our lives on thin ice.. until it breaks. I have reached the point that you are at not just once, but twice each time had different events but like you they forced me into taking some kind of action. Sometimes when we have absolutely nothing left to give is when we find the courage to break past our fears.. because what do we have left to lose at that point?

I want to thank you for sharing you're story Xeriis, I am happy that the things you have read here have inspired you to choose something other than accepting your end. Now that you have found a path forward I hope that you continue moving forward with your life and reach a much better place. It is so easy to feel like we are alone in our suffering but many of us have been through this or are going through this as well and you should always feel safe to share with us, because you aren't alone! I think any one of us is here for you if you need someone to talk to. I hope you keep us updated on your progress, and I wish you all the best with everything.

[Charlize]

Thank you all for posting. That alone is the beginning of an opening up. When we reach out we may be more vulnerable but there is always a hand to help you up here at Laura's. You all prove that once again. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If we give ourselves time miracles come and we can free ourselves from the pit we have gotten into. When i stopped drinking to kill myself and got help it took time but over the years i became honest with myself and the world. These forums and the help i found from a GT, Laura's and friends finally allowed me to be myself without the guilt i had always felt.

I'm so glad you are posting Xeriis. Please keep us in your loop. The chatrooms are set up for even more help if you think about suicide again. We are here for each other dear. I doubt any of us have found the path to feeling right about ourselves has been easy. We often despair but often all we need is some help. Hope to see you around the forums.

Hugs,

Charlie