Wow...that didn't go well

[Guest Sunshine B]

To start...my dad can be a real jerk.

That's the short version. Here's the long version. My partner, who is MTF, and I went to my parents' house to have a meeting. The premise of this meeting was for them to ask questions about the transition and about transgenderism and to understand my partner's journey better. It started off that way with my mom asking good questions and my partner answering.

Then, my dad turned into a jerk. Please know that he has always been narcissistic and he is "never wrong". However, he also will drop anything to help you. The narcissistic jerk showed up today. He was just mean. He asked questions peppered with rude language . At one point, he told my partner, "You .......over my daughter" when referencing to how my partner did not tell me about being TG until after we were married for a few years. He also said we have "no .....clue" about what is coming our way. There were several other choice phrases and attacks he used, interspersed with some genuine concern.

He is not the type you can interrupt or redirect. In fact, at one point, I tried to politely express his tendency to bring up 10 different points during a 10-minute monologue and didn't give anyone else a chance to respond (trust me, i put it a lot nicer than that) and he was unable to see it. In fact, he said i was being disrespectful by not allowing him to go on.

My partner did very well to keep her cool and to respond to questions as best she could. However, she would get about 3 words into her sentence when my dad would interrupt and go on and on again about his perspective on whatever the topic was. By the time he was done, there was no point in even trying to offer a different perspective.

I'm not even sure what else to write. The whole meeting went that way and we were there for 4 1/2 hours!!! This is totally my dad but I just haven't seen this side in a long time. He can't be reasoned with. He's all logic and no emotion. He's right and if you bring up anything about how his communication hurts, his return answer is, "you're being too sensitive!" Argh!!!!

He claims to be open, accepting, loving, and supportive of us. He claims that he truly has no problem with my partner being TG. However, he acts like this. He is a walking contradiction.

I'm just not sure where to go from here. Part of me wants to let him out of my life (because he's always been this way), part of me says to continue with our superficial father-daughter relationship, and part of me says to have a 1-1 meeting with him. I'm not looking for answers on this, i'm just explaining how our meeting went.

Obviously, the meeting didn't go well.

Sunshine B.

Edited February 17, 2013 by angels wings
As per rule 20

[Charlize]

I'm sorry Sunshine. Parents are a pain sometimes but remember that although he rants and is nuts it is as much from love as from ego. At least he brought out his feelings. Hurtful, yes, but with time he may come around. It takes our loved ones time to accept us. My son couldn't even look at me for over a month. I know he was hurt and your family feels that as well. It would be wonderful if it were not that way but we can only accept as we can.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest angels wings]

Geeee that was harsh . I'm sorry you both had to endure that(((((hugs))))) some people will never get it lovey . Very similar to my partners father.this is what we have chosen to do . We respect his wishes and his ways of always knowing he and only he can be right . His opinion is his not ours we don't need to carry his negativity. So we move on one day maybe he will see differently until then we carry on just been us . Big warm((((((( hugs )))))))) for u and your partner

Angel

[Guest]

Hi Sunshine,

So sorry!

is your father my brother? At least they're cut from the same cloth. I had to tell my brother to never speak to me again. Even when he was nice, I was always waiting for the blow to fall. Not a safe feeling.

I do hope your father comes round. But, sorry to say, it doesn't sound promising.

Angel's advise really says everything.

Take care, dear!

Love, Megan

[Carolyn Marie]

I agree with pretty much everything that has been said, Sunshine. My advice would be to make it clear to him that much of what he said was hurtful and disrespectful, despite you and your partner trying to do your best to be open about everything, and that if he wanted to talk to you again, he would need to make it more of a dialogue, and less like a rant-filled lecture.

Perhaps you could send him a book, such as "She's Not There," and suggest that, if and when he reads it, you and your partner would be happy to discuss it with him, as as starting point.

I wish you much luck, and hope that things work out for the best.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest GinaInside]

Hi Sunshine,

Maybe just give some time and space to your parents. That you were able to have a civil discussion at all without being tossed out is a plus, though it may not seem like it. The Trans issue is very hard to deal with, especially for very straight people. If Trans-people can barely understand the issue, it is extremely difficult for anyone else to. Perhaps letting your dad consider the issue before discussing it again is another option, as he must decide how he will handle it.

Sometimes I regret coming out and telling everyone I am TS, because it got me disowned. But, my former lifelong friends and family members made thier choice. I don't hate them for it, and understand thier positions, but am sad that our relationships ended the way they did.

Please just maybe allow some time to pass, it may be better than a painful split of some kind.

I wish you the best of luck.

Hugz,

Gina

[Guest Jaques]

Your partner didnt tell you she was TG until AFTER you had been married for a few years? I dont know about your father, but I wouldnt have felt too good about that myself. Perhaps that has affected his attitude, that you have been deceived? I feel its very important to be honest with someone you are dating, let alone get married and say nothing. I hope your Dad comes around - sometimes that can take time - i think we have all experienced this problem with someone close, be it a partner, parent, child o sibling - its never easy is it?

[Guest Sunshine B]

I have to say that I am very tearful about it even today. I can't believe I allowed him to treat us like that. Looking back, I was just in shock about how things were going and I didn't want to make him angrier. As noted earlier, when I gently tried to say anything about our communication, I was told I was being disrespectful. Later, when I made a different point about communication, I was told that I am "too sensitive" and that the problem is mine, not his. He takes no ownership for anything.

Regarding a book, we recommended True Selves. My dad refused to get a book for himself because he's "Too cheap" and had my mom get the book. He said he will read it ONLY because it's important to us, but that he "doesn't care" what is in the book and doesn't care what my partner has experienced. He only cares about how we're going to handle things now. From his perspective, he thinks we're doing a terrible job figuring things out.

I would love to talk with him about my feelings. Unfortunately, from past experience, whenever I have tried to do that, blame has been put on me, or I misunderstood how he communicated about something, or I am being too sensitive. When I tried to explain to him how a previous incident occurred a couple of weeks ago, he basically said, "I don't remember it that way". I understand people remember situations differently, but he ALWAYS only remembers it his way, because his way is the right way AND there is no other way. For any of you who know about emotional and verbal abuse, he fits the stereotype. The rest of the time, he is a great guy. When he is emotionally abusive, he is just mean. He is always unable to be reasoned with or to see another point of view (when he's the emotionally abusive guy or when he's being the good guy), because, according to him, any other view is just wrong.

As you can tell, I am very hurt. I wish I would have stood up to him more, but it never gets better and I am never heard.

Your partner didnt tell you she was TG until AFTER you had been married for a few years? I dont know about your father, but I wouldnt have felt too good about that myself. Perhaps that has affected his attitude, that you have been deceived? I feel its very important to be honest with someone you are dating, let alone get married and say nothing. I hope your Dad comes around - sometimes that can take time - i think we have all experienced this problem with someone close, be it a partner, parent, child o sibling - its never easy is it?

In response to my partner not telling me about being TG until AFTER we were married, we have discussed this issue many times. She explained that the TG issue for her ebbed and flowed depending on levels of denial and repression throughout her entire life. During the times we were dating, engaged, and early marriage, it simply was deeply repressed. When it reemerged, she made great efforts to suppress it and put it away again. However, this time it could not be suppressed. Much of the research even shows that this is exactly how the process works. Denial is strong and the brain is even stronger. However, there comes a point when it cannot be put away anymore and this is when most of the older TG people come out. Sadly, my dad never really got to hear this point until the very end of the meeting due to his ongoing lecture and interruptions. Whether he heard it once he finally let my partner talk???....well, the jury is still out on that.

Sunshine B.

[JJ]

This is just my opinion but it seems that this is a question of boundaries and whre you want them to be, He crossed the boundaries fo acceptable behavior for one adult to another no ,atter the relationship. If you allow that to stand you have agreed to the behavior in a way. pushed you and your partner's boundaries back to where it is okay to insult you both. i realize there is no way to divert and re-direct someone in full hue and cry like that. You can sit and take it and address it later or simply excuse yourself and leave, The latter is difficult because I imagine some parental authority feeling persists but might be something worth considering if it starts again. No anger, no shouting and reaction which will only feed the fire but just withdraw from an unacceptable display.

At this point I would write a letter explaining my position and how I felt about the disrespect shown because it was disrespectful. He is your father but you are an adult with a life of your own as is your partner and therefore entitled to be treated as such. His job of lecturing and guiding your life is over. With a letter he doesn't have the chance to launch into a new tirade and sidetrack or attempt to justify the situation. He can't use that run roughshod over everyone else to cut off what he doesn't want to hear because it's there in black and white. And he can't deny or fail to remember how it was said. I would recommend if you do write that you stay very calm and rational and logical not making demands but explaining the consequences if the behavior occurs again. Talk about how you felt and saw it rather than what he did. In other words instead of saying "You were rude etc...." you say that his words and behavior caused both you and your partner pain and you feel insulted or hurt-however you want to express your reactions. The psychological difference with that subtle shift is enormous. The moment we start saying "You did...." people get defensive and quit taking in the words but start defending themselves instead whether mentally or verbally. Accusations cause people to withdraw or fight. Expressing you reactions can make them aware of the impact instead.

It's a shame this happened and I hope you can reach a resolution. Perhaps your Dad really needs to realize your life is no longer his to dictate and what happened is between you and your partner

Hugs

Johnny