"It's a bigger decision than we can grasp at the time we make it."

[VickySGV]

It's a bigger decision than we can grasp at the time we make it.

I made that statement over in the Post Op forum the other day, and it's the type of thing that comes back to gnaw on your mind. I am posting this here in this forum to get more talk and attention than I might over there, since it applies to anyone still in the early stages of transition and coming out too.

I am talking there about the decision to have SRS. While I am happy with what I did last month, and like what I see on my body now, still there are aspects of my decision to have the operation that are just making themselves known to me now, and some of them are not what I would ever have thought of, even there in the surgery prep ward at Mills-Peninsula hospital. The point is simply that these aspects were contained in my decision, but I did not know it at the time.

The idea that I would be free to simply "live my real life" has come true, but real life now contains the healing process, and obligations of personal care and cleanliness I did not fully evaluate before the surgery. (I hate to think what my gas and water bills are going to look like for more showers and baths.)

I still have a few weeks before I could enjoy making love with a partner (if I had one). In the meantime, I am not the most comfortable person, getting myself ready for that time.

Even I am wondering what the "big deal" was to get the surgery, since even with it past, it is a mystery to most people in my life. I know what my body went through, and the best they can say is "yeah, it must have hurt" and then change the subject. Even people who gave nice statements about my courage and my mystical translation to "the Other Side" are now on to other things.

In most parts of my life, the surgery has changed nothing really. I still have house remodeling to do, and I will do some by myself. I have hobbies that did not change "under the knife". I made a weather spotter report to the National Weather Service the other night due to local hail. I had to buy new car insurance which cost more due to a stupid fender bender I had the week before my surgery. It's time to load the washing machine when I finish this post.

There are still hiccups and potholes in the road as far as my new gender records go. I will need a few more $$ to change records in several places, even with my new driver's license.

For most people IT JUST WON"T MATTER that I had the surgery!! Could I have saved myself the pain? ??????? Well, I did not.

Effectively though, my decision to have the surgery and go through it contained all of these new realizations, and I can easily see where some of my post op sisters and brothers may be a little less enthusiastic about other people's pre-op decisions, and may no longer be as heavily into the cheerleading. I can see where depression could hit some of us after surgery, it does not magically change our lives, but still we must accept that as part of our decision to go forward.

At the time I made my decision the real life after was part of it whether I knew it or not. I at least consider myself mature enough though to accept it with a smile.

[Guest]

Vicky, I am still the little kid, looking up at her sister and wondering what womanhood is all about. I still think I want to be just like you, when I grow up! Hug. Kidsister JodyAnn

[Guest]

Hi Vicky,

Your words are taken to heart, sincerely. I am happy to have had leadership like yours, so that there are no unreasonable expectations.

The postop effort, I'm sure will be difficult to schedule into my life. But, again, thanks to you, I know what's coming.

.

As I go forward, I too wonder whether the outcome will justify the monumental effort and resources. That's an unquantifiable question. I doubt I'll have a better answer after surgery. The decision is based on something too emotionally entwined.

At this point, there isn't any turning back, even if I wanted to. But I'm not about to waffle anyway. Being a girl is a high-maintenance life. Being a postop girl, making up for lost time!

Love, Megan

[Guest rikkicd64]

Thank you Vicky for giving all of us, real woman and real life updates and no-bull insight to the transition journey. I have followed you since I joined Laura's and have closely followed you this past few months. There is not a day goes by that I donot think about and pray for you. though we have never met,I care about you. I support you in your decisions. Thank you for being so brutaly honest in sharing your personal life. I have emense respect for you.

luv, Rikki.....

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Hey Vicky, I hope that even with these other realizations that you are still happy with your decision to do so at least. I think that pointing this out is probably good though I can definitely see how depression could be a factor reaching the end of that road. So much time, discomfort, and money go into transitioning and SRS that once you actually reach that goal only to then realize that it isn't some mystical nirvana could be deflating.

I'm not putting all my expectations of happiness into transitioning, I know that there is no single sure pass to happiness in life. I try to be happy with the little things in life the people I have in my life, my SO, my overall good health, and yes the fact that I am transitioning.

I originally hadn't planned on doing SRS actually because I felt like what would it matter 99% of the people would never really notice a difference especially for the pain of the surgery. I have in recent years changed my mind about this not because I want other people to notice or even care, no I want SRS because of how I feel about whats down there now I have never felt good thoughts about it, and have on a few occasions attempted self mutilation (when I was younger). For me it's entirely about me and how I feel about my body. I'm not a huge fan of surgery, so it's not something I am eagerly rubbing my hands in excitement for. I just think it's the lesser of two evils.

I agree with Megan the further I go into my transition the more time I'm finding being dedicated to self maintenance as it is, and I do fully expect for that to just keep becoming a bigger time sink in my day. I knew going in that it would be part of the life of a woman, so I'm fine with it.

I'm glad you pointed this out though, it certainly helps keep things in the right perspective. I do hope that you ultimately are happy with your decisions though.

[Guest KimberlyF]

Yes...SRS is not for others. It is for ourselves. Most will never know if we have or haven't had it unless we tell them.

It is also not some magical end of a journey that makes one feel whole.

It is a major surgery. I've had invasive surgery and so has my wife. Neither of us have been off for half as long as this requires. And there is maintenance. For the rest of one's life.

That's why many suggest over and over that its only something to do if there are no other options.

[Drea]

Thank you Vicky for elaborating on that other topic statement. Yes there is quite a bit of
things one does come to realize after surgery.

Even people who gave nice statements about my courage and my mystical translation to "the Other Side" are now on to other things.

Basically sums it up, most in the world doesn’t care a whole lot one way or another. Even within the trans community after a bit
of enthusiastic posts and such people don’t care a whole lot.

On the decision front, I feel expectations and why one is having SRS play a big part of satisfaction and that time living full time has little relationship to satisfaction. Typically most “transitioning” folks tend to find less need for SRS as they progress and become full time, but that of
course isn’t the case for all.

I personally felt it made a big difference, but again my reasons had little to do with social role, how others may view it or crazy expectations about it changing passability or solving employment issues.

On the subject of “cheerleading” I think the fact that post-op tend not to be “cheerleaders” isn’t so much that they find post-op maintenance difficult or the recovery period onerous. While I understand there are some docs that say dilating is needed daily, other docs only require once a week and that is hardly a big deal for maintenance. Nor do I view it related to personal satisfaction in most instances.

What I see as a far bigger factor is the recognition of just how many have unreasonable expectations as to what issues surgery will resolve or fantasie about what is to be gained..

[Guest SusanB]

Must admit that at the moment anyway the only reason i would want SRS is for the change on my birth certificate.

Other than that it is a low priority at the moment

But, we women do tend to change our minds

[VickySGV]

What I see as a far bigger factor is the recognition of just how many have unreasonable expectations as to what issues surgery will resolve or fantasie about what is to be gained..

This is something that has been heavily on my mind the last couple of weeks. Being up against what SRS does not do and cannot do is truly an eye opener. SRS is REAL as none of our fantasies or pre-surgery dream goals can be. If our decision is based on the un-realistic and unattainable the greater our chances for serious emotional consequences. In out therapy, we and our therapists need to look for and incorporate only the realist goals into what we do in making our decision. Don Quixote had envisioned an Impossible Dream as the way "to reach the unreachable stars". The old Romans though did it another way, they said "Ad astra, por aspera." To the stars through difficulties!! Our decisions for SRS need to be a bit of both old roman, and Don Quixote.

[Guest]

I really have to grow up and get through more puberty. I am so glad to have real world information. I have no way of giving a conclusive yes or no at this moment. I have a way to explore this with my Therapist now, instead of just asking. What do you think? I can be ready to really seriously look at that option in two years. That won't be the surgery date, just the jumping off to the point of no return. If I can keep it real, I can make it real. Jody

[Guest Tamar]

@ Vicky: I at least consider myself mature enough though to accept it with a smile.

..and therein lies wisdom.

Thankyou Vicky.

[Guest LizMarie]

Wise words, Vicky!

[Carolyn Marie]

Vicky, I truly appreciate the thoroughness, objectivity, insight and honesty with which you have documented your journey up to, including and past surgery. This thread in particular is valuable as an honest barometer of expectations versus reality, hopes versus haves. It's important for people to take in your views as well as the views of so many others who have posted here over time, and let those words assist them in evaluating their own situations. It can really only be a tool of assistance, because we all have to take the experience of others and weigh them against our own situations, needs, and life experiences. You and I have things in common, but many dissimilarities, and that needs to be taken into consideration. No two people are alike, and what is good for you may not be good for me.

If we're smart, then we will realize those issues in our decision making process, and make adjustments. If we are not so wise, we will take one person's decision and outcome, and tell ourselves "that worked great for her, so I'll do it, too." I think such thinking happens all to often in our community, because of all the uncertainty, and the forces that push us in one direction or another.

That is exactly why your honesty is important, why my thread from earlier today is important as a counter balance, and why its important to allow for a wide variety of opinions on a site like this. No one gains from a monolithic view of things (I hope that was the correct word choice). Divergent views perform a service for our community. It's up to the members to use that to their personal advantage.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

The risk of any surgery and what you posted compared to the extra part below the belt not being a part that bothers me are reasons I dont plan on having the surgery. That part is just a bit of skin to me and has been for a while. It has no meaning to me either bad or good. Definately not worth the risk of having surgery.

Now let's see if I keep that attitude.

[Michelle 2010]

I have often felt, as a trans person, that my perceptions of myself and my perceptions of how others react to me are something akin to looking in a fun house mirror. It shifts... it distorts... it is fluid, like my gender identity.

For me SRS has been, at most, a fantasy I have tried to avoid. Kind of like a Icarus and his wax wings, I can enjoy my journey as my true self, but i fear flying too close to the sun. I tried to avoid my destiny of being an uncloseted trans person for most of my life and am glad that destiny has been accepted. If it were to be my destiny to follow in your footsteps, I am happy to have you holding a lantern high and bright so ALL the path is illuminated, not just the desirable parts. Its important on such a journey to know what awaits in the shadows, not just the romantic or idealized parts of the journey. You are providing an incredibly valuable service to those who only think they know what they want...

Thank you for holding the lantern high and illuminating the path

Michelle

[Guest Leah1026]

The best way I can sum things up is to simply say:

Everything is the same, and yet at at the same time everything is different.

===========

And I think you're starting to understand what I mean. When we say "Welcome to the other side" we really mean it.

[VickySGV]

Thanks Leah, yes I am beginning to understand "Welcome To The Other Side", it takes being there to see it as a different side, and its not a bad side, or one that denies the first side we are on, but its a side that has its own life, properties, and boundaries to explore. It is not a contnuation of our early pre op side though. (Attack of nostalgia, not dysphoria.)

[Guest Melissa~]

I have to say Vicky that I consider srs a considerably smaller deal in -my- life than what I have already taken care of. I am pre-op for all intents and purposes now, and that time will be here before I know it barring being disposed of at my job and other annoying possibilities in life.

There are people actively wanting me to detransition, people that aren't talking at all, -that will not change from the surgury-.

Nor will my close family that's accepting or supportive and my work team that remarkably intact and functioning! We still talk, trade jokes, go to lunch and fulfill duties and the visible chain of command is accepting or supportive too. In short the hard part is done.

The added daily personal maintanance is my biggest personal consideration, not the one-time surgury itself. I personally wore contacts for a decade and although the contact care routine is shorter and simpler, the results of abusing ones eyes are equally devastating, I'm up for it.

[Sakura]

I used to want SRS , or at least i thought i did. after all it seems like it should be the end goal , hyped up , made out to be the holy grail . long before most of you were on LP. every little trans girl here seemed to strive for nothing else , and many of them reached it. i sat back as many of them achived this seemly mystic goal of having srs , something i to wanted. but stayed out of my reach . I also watched as it broke and destroyed many of them as well. many soured bittered and faded away to now unknown fates . and as my own transition proceeded. and i integrated into my new social role . and the years ticked by i have realized something very important . I DO NOT WANT SRS....... i need it . It wont make me a woman . i have already become one. it will not make the world see me as female, it already does see me as female. it will not fix my problems as i am the only one that can fix my problems. it won't go to work for me or cut my lawn or pay my morgage. I now need it for my own interpersonal intergration with my own body. i can not under stand my self further as a woman personally with out it , and even after it has been completed i do not feel the journy will end there for me. i then have to intergrate and ajust to my self physically as a woman and deal with what personal growth that will cause.

Good post

Sakura

[Guest JazzySmurf]

Reading this, I'm a bit confused, and a little scared too :-( My consultation will be in 3 weeks, and surgery to come in a few months, and given some of the things I've heard... am I going to be okay? The surgery seems so far away, it doesn't even feel real to me right now.

My thought about SRS was that, for me, it feels like another step in my life... like graduating high school. It comes with its benefits, challenges, and everything. On one hand, it feels like a brave new world to me, but on the other hand it doesn't change the fact that I am transgender, nor does it change the fact that I am female. This surgery is something that I feel like I cannot do without. I just really need to have that thing not be there anymore, but is there like something insidious hiding around the corner? I'm not really looking for enlightenment (that we have to do on our own), I just really don't want to deal with that thing anymore, and move on to other parts of my life. Am I asking for too much?

[VickySGV]

Sam

If you take it as one step among many, you will be fine. If you have discussed your personal goals and expectations with your GT, and you both concur that they are not a fantasy life, and they they contain an element that will prepare you for "the curse of the absolutely ordinary" you will do even better.

If you are thinking "my life will be perfect when" or my life will be tolerable "if and only if" I have SRS, you need more time in therapy. On what I have discovered since January, I do not even think, it will cure or "fix" some people's Dysphoria nor will it make them more acceptable in their preferred gender, if that is the dream, again, more therapy time is needed to get the optimal result.

If you can be ready to get DIFFERENT emotional results than you may dream or think of now and be ready to welcome them and embrace them, then you have a good chance of success.

Its fine with me, and I think its fine with the Site if you want to print this and share it with your therapist and use it to finalize your day under the operating room lights. Actually being confused and a little scared is one very healthy sign that you are doing things right.

[Guest KimberlyF]

This thread has been illuminating to say the least.

Now the COGIATI was not 100% accurate as an indication, but I wonder if one could devise a successful online test with a few simple questions to see if one is ready and/or a good candidate for SRS?

[VickySGV]

Kim -- since you link this to the COGIATI test concept, the very idea HORRIFIES me to think about it.

Reading and thinking about information that does not paint the typical "holy grail" view of SRS, and discussing it with a therapist, and being ready to consider the fact it is either not your time to have SRS, or not your life enriching goal that must be done regardless of how you will be afterward is crucial and would be next to impossible to encode in a multiple choice format. If the consideration can be made, and an IRL human therapist perceives it to be honest, which a written test cannot do, --- well its just too personal to leave to a silicon chip!!

If you want a question for such a test though "Is your upcoming surgery financed in any way by a lawyer who deals in medical mal-practice law?" If the answer is YES, you are not ready or suitable for SRS! If the answer is NO, continue to keep appointments with your GT. I am being sarcastic about the question!!

[Guest JazzySmurf]

I heard that a common screening test in Iran was to describe the surgery in extremely graphic detail. The people who don't really want surgery usually freak out and back out... sounds really intense!

[Sakura]

I think the only relevence the cogati test has. is by virture of one feeling they need to take a test to tell them thier gender should prolly seek a therapist at the very least.

I have been hanging out with nicole(lightsider) for the past few weeks. ( since she is in my neck of the woods getting srs with mcginn) and one of the things she has ecoed to me many times. is the very real mental and emotional componet of SRS . that she didn't see before she got it. She is sure it is not depression or regret. but something she could not quiet put her finger on just yet. i told her she needed to just break down and cry her eyes out and she would feel better which she did and now she does. though the feeling is still there for her. i understand what she means though it is a gray area for me. I have for along time suspected there would be a huge mental and emotional impact made by the operation. i am prepared to have the surgery. and now knowing what to expect in that arena i will deffinately have my therapist on speed dial after the operation.

Sakura