Just surviving, and actually living.

[Guest Sarah Faith]

I started going full time about two weeks ago, which I know isn't a very long time but it has put me into a very reflective mood. I have spent a lot more time examining my life then I normally would, seeing the roads that lead me to where I am now. The revelations from this process of self discovery haven't been all that pleasant, in fact some of them have been very painful things I had repressed for a very long time and never truly realized how strongly they had impacted my life.

I spent so much of my life being overwhelmed by ever worsening anxiety to the point of being too afraid to even go out the door because of anxiety because of being hit by panic attacks. I've always known that I wasn't really male my earliest memories revolve around me thinking I was a girl and my family desperately trying to make me understand that I wasn't, and I had planned to transition when I turned 18 but things happened. I ended up in a situation where the only place I ever felt safe was at home so I never moved out and never transitioned like I had planned. It's not that I didn't want to, I desperately needed to because there wasn't a day where my gender dysphoria didn't effect me in some way. It was easiest to just bury my head in writing, reading/watching fiction, reading sciency things, or my video games, but any time I tried school or even just went on vacation it was hard to bury and it overwhelmed me at how wrong everything with me was. II felt like there was no way I could transition, I wanted to wait for my great grandparents to pass on so that I wouldn't have to shame them with this so I waited and waited. Well fortunately they haven't yet, but unfortunately it meant the years ticked by with my weight and health issues just getting worse. I only ultimately came out because between my insomnia, panic attacks, and the sciatica and tinnitus that I had developed from weight and emotional stress I felt like I was going to die a lot sooner than later.

Ironically even with all of that I still had so often convinced my self that I was ok, that I just had to wait a little longer. Looking back now I know that I wasn't okay, I wasn't even close to okay but I told my self what I had to tell my self to survive. That's really all I did was survive from one day to the next, that's all I could do. Until I couldn't anymore.

I knew the risks of coming out to my family, they are basically die hard evangelical Christians and life long financial supporters of the GOP. I just didn't care what happened to me at that point, I felt like I was dieing and I had nothing to lose anyways. I came out 4 years ago at the age of 24 and I was still 350 pounds, my therapist after seeing her for some lengthy sessions said that she simply couldn't recommend HRT for me until I was at a safer weight. So that began the journey I have been on for the last year, I didn't really become more outgoing in that time I actually lived almost like a monk focusing on getting healthier and just surviving however long I had to survive to go from 350 to the weight she suggested of around 200 at least. Even when I reached my goal weight, the financial support my family had agreed to was no where to be found, the market crash in 2008 had devastated their finances. I started a business to help reinvest the money they did have left but it didn't work out in someways because my Great grandfather seemed to be desperately sabotaging his own finances and our business as well. That's a long story in of its self so I'll leave that there for now..

I reached a point last year where I felt completely hopeless, I couldn't get a job (And I did actually try), I had no money, family had many convenient excuses why they couldn't help me even as he blew his money on one scam, or useless toy after another. I actually had more or less given up on my diet for a while and only half heartedly worked out. I hadn't and still haven't told anyone but by Christmas I had actually become truly suicidal for the first time in a very very long time. Just surviving wasn't enough anymore..

Since that time I've been very lucky my ability to transition has come together faster then I had ever imagined possible, thanks to a friend who in many ways put his life on hold to help dig me out of my own despair. I never asked for his aid, and I had refused help from his family many times in the past. He honestly didn't give me much choice and now I am extremely grateful to have a friend who cared enough to do something like that for me. Like I have said I know that I am extremely lucky to be where I am now.

Everything has turned around in such a short period of time for me, My therapist is actually very impressed with not only how fast I have reached going full time, but also with how in such a short period of time I have gone from a near total shut in, to someone who has a hard time staying home now, even applying to colleges again.

I had always been told that transitioning would be the hardest thing I would ever have to do, and honestly this is nothing compared to what I have already been through. I don't really care if someone looks at me and makes a nasty comment about the way I look or something at this point.. I feel like I am for once in my life actually living, the validation from others is nice of course it does feel amazing when I pass in public. I spent so long drowning in anxiety and panic, and now since I started HRT much of that has faded away and it is such a strange feeling. I'm so used to always feeling just a constant idle anxiety that I often find my mind trying to find something to worry about, and its almost troubling that I can't at times.. I am in such a better place now then I was just 3 months ago, that's not to say I still don't get hit by strong feelings of dysphoria but it is mainly confined to how I feel about my Male genitalia, or my remaining body hair. I just don't feel quite so hopeless about it as I once did.

I guess what I have learned is that just surviving from day to day is not enough, and actually living is not just a change of pace it's an entire different universe.

This ended up a lot longer than I had intended, but I just felt the need to write it all out somewhere..

[Guest LizMarie]

I wouldn't say transition is the hardest thing we will ever do but it can be very hard for some people. But those who have had the deepest depressions and body image problems may find the move to RLE to be a relief rather than a burden, or at least more of a relief than the previous situation.

Personally I fit and have forced myself to fit into the male world for 55+ years despite dysphoria, depression, and frequent sexual dysfunction. I did this because I thought I had no choice. But as I began to realize I really could have done this, I became depressed and began to consider suicide. It was that consideration that finally prompted me to act, to find a GT, and begin counseling. I have found that, perhaps because my physique is not too "male" that I can usually be accepted as myself fairly readily. My two biggest personal issues are facial beard shadow and voice, both of which will be attended to before I go full time. My time out with my girlfriends as myself is always good and while limited, they all tell me they see me as just another woman now.

That is not the same as full time but it does give me confidence that when I do begin full time that it shouldn't be too horrible. It seems that you've found a similar situation, that being in RLE was more of a relief than what went before. Some others have stated the same thing. It also helps that society is improving about acceptance of trans folk generally. It varies widely by location and of course by individual but with many large companies now having supportive gender identity policies, and the gradual shift in public opinion toward GLBT persons, it does seem to be getting better.

[VickySGV]

Surprisingly, going full time puts you in much more control over your life than you have ever had before. Your anxieties in the past came from somewhere outside yourself and pressed in on you. Being full time, you are putting your own insides outward and the things inside are less crushing for you now.

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Thank you for your thoughts all.

Hi Sarah,

I am so glad you're in a better place now. It is always a sad story, living with demons, struggling in an unaccepting culture.

And, now, you're finding peace, so beautiful!

You know you can't change what's done, only learn from it, make peace with it. It sounds like you're on the way.

All the best to you!

Love, Megan

Megan, there are times where I definitely wish I could go back and do things over, but I know that's not possible all I can try to do now is make the now and the future what I want it to be. Thanks for your words, I am definitely in a better place now even with some of the more disturbing memories from my childhood resurfacing.

I wouldn't say transition is the hardest thing we will ever do but it can be very hard for some people. But those who have had the deepest depressions and body image problems may find the move to RLE to be a relief rather than a burden, or at least more of a relief than the previous situation.

Personally I fit and have forced myself to fit into the male world for 55+ years despite dysphoria, depression, and frequent sexual dysfunction. I did this because I thought I had no choice. But as I began to realize I really could have done this, I became depressed and began to consider suicide. It was that consideration that finally prompted me to act, to find a GT, and begin counseling. I have found that, perhaps because my physique is not too "male" that I can usually be accepted as myself fairly readily. My two biggest personal issues are facial beard shadow and voice, both of which will be attended to before I go full time. My time out with my girlfriends as myself is always good and while limited, they all tell me they see me as just another woman now.

That is not the same as full time but it does give me confidence that when I do begin full time that it shouldn't be too horrible. It seems that you've found a similar situation, that being in RLE was more of a relief than what went before. Some others have stated the same thing. It also helps that society is improving about acceptance of trans folk generally. It varies widely by location and of course by individual but with many large companies now having supportive gender identity policies, and the gradual shift in public opinion toward GLBT persons, it does seem to be getting better.

I am glad that you were able to realize that you needed help and go get help rather then actually killing your self. That is awesome that you have friends that you can be your self around! I've been out to my friends for a long time, but I was never comfortable doing anything like that with my weight and everything else my body image was so low I felt it would be pointless. Though in a way that's kind of how I started going full time, I decided one day to actually go out presenting as female rather then gender neutral and the experience was so positive for me I just couldn't go back to presenting as male at all. So going full time was more or less accidental for me, but I am happy that I did it.

Surprisingly, going full time puts you in much more control over your life than you have ever had before. Your anxieties in the past came from somewhere outside yourself and pressed in on you. Being full time, you are putting your own insides outward and the things inside are less crushing for you now.

I do feel like I am in the drivers seat of my life instead of the back seat of a runaway vehicle. Things feel much more still within these days, but living with out overwhelming anxiety is so different then before, part of me keeps expecting the heart crushing feeling that I had become so used to... and when it never comes it leaves me thinking. I feel like things are becoming much clearer to me now then they had been before, I am actually excited to do something with my life for a chance instead of feeling terrified by the idea.

Again thanks all for sharing your thoughts.

[Sakura]

Inspiring

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Inspiring

Aw, thanks Sakura.

[Guest JazzySmurf]

:groupwavereversed:

I'm glad you're transitioning from survivor to thriver... and just being yourself :-) Go you!!

:groupwavereversed:

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Aww that's so cute! Thanks Sam.

It's a little weird, I'm not used to just being my self in all aspects of my life, it is at times a little surreal. Things have happened so quickly for me, going from rock bottom to where I am right now it almost doesn't even seem real. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around all of it just yet, but I'm getting there. Spent so much time trying to not really feel anything and only feeling like 2 emotions, that with all of the things Ive kept bottled up and all the emotions I feel now it feels a lot like starting all over. I am somewhat relieved that due to the legal process here being realllly slow for name changes and such that I have slowed down a bit and my brain is getting a chance to catch up.. lol

[Guest Amber Lynn]

I guess what I have learned is that just surviving from day to day is not enough, and actually living is not just a change of pace it's an entire different universe.

Well put, Sarah!

I agree with Sakura, your story is truly inspiring. I’m so happy hear how far you’ve come, how you’ve managed to rise above lifelong inner struggles, and the simultaneously present external ones.

It breaks my heart to hear when someone is plagued with suicidal thoughts. None of us deserve that kind of constant, awful pain. Being able to move past that state of mind, and more, reaching a place where you can see the beauty both in life and in yourself is one of the single greatest feats a person can achieve, and it’s wonderful that you were able to get through it! It’s also awesome that you have such a good friend that was willing to help you though some of the dark times. Friends like that are a rare commodity and truly invaluable.

I also have often heard about how tough transition can be, and I’m sure for good reason. But I can’t help but feel like your experience resonates with a greater truth about Transgenderism: our gender identity is such a basic and fundamental part of what makes us who we are, and living every single day with an inner self that doesn’t match up with your physical being can add an unmatchable weight to your shoulders. I’m sure it’s great, if unfamiliar, to feel like your mind is freed! Keep it up, girl, and I’m sure you’ll vanquish any challenge transition might present!

Congratulations on your progress and your start of living full time! We’re all happy for you!

Love,

Gina

[Guest]

Aww that's so cute! Thanks Sam.

It's a little weird, I'm not used to just being my self in all aspects of my life, it is at times a little surreal. Things have happened so quickly for me, going from rock bottom to where I am right now it almost doesn't even seem real. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around all of it just yet, but I'm getting there. Spent so much time trying to not really feel anything and only feeling like 2 emotions, that with all of the things Ive kept bottled up and all the emotions I feel now it feels a lot like starting all over. I am somewhat relieved that due to the legal process here being realllly slow for name changes and such that I have slowed down a bit and my brain is getting a chance to catch up.. lol

I have to say ditto on the surreal! Your story is heartwarming, a wonderful and inspiring journey to share. Some days my life seems like Alice in Wonderland. It really is like my brain is suddenly forced to keep up with life in fast forward. Giggle. For a time, I felt like my transistion would always be something horrable to endure, questioning everything about me. Not to today! The irony is; unbeknown to me, my old life was just the endurance. I'm so glad I have many other sisters here that can also find the joy of blossuming. Hug. JodyAnn

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Thanks Gina, I had actually not been suicidal for a long long time before that. I had always managed to convince my self that everything was fine or simply distract my self. It just felt like at that point that there wasn't anything left to tell my self, and the usual distractions just werent working. I genuinely felt like I had reached the end of the road, and the only reason I held on a little longer then that was that I was still clinging to my faith.

You're right I am lucky, I have friends that are more like family then friends and I am very grateful. When he finally forced me to accept his help I actually spend a lot of time crying, and at that time I wasn't much of a cryer!

I'm still stumbling around at getting my life on the right track, but I do hope some of what I share helps inspire others.

I have to say ditto on the surreal! Your story is heartwarming, a wonderful and inspiring journey to share. Some days my life seems like Alice in Wonderland. It really is like my brain is suddenly forced to keep up with life in fast forward. Giggle. For a time, I felt like my transistion would always be something horrable to endure, questioning everything about me. Not to today! The irony is; unbeknown to me, my old life was just the endurance. I'm so glad I have many other sisters here that can also find the joy of blossuming. Hug. JodyAnn

Aww thanks Jody! I agree it is a bit like Alice in Wonderland (Did I mention Lewis Carroll is my favorite Author?! )) my brain is having to catch up to the rapidly changing landscape! I have to admit though, I still have my rough patches at times I find my self feeling bitter about the hurdles society places before us, or the time I've wasted, or a myriad of other silly things.. but I feel like I've been given a second chance and I don't want to waste it with regret.

I'm glad that I decided to come back to Laura's too, you've all been so inspirational, supportive, and kind. I love everyone here. <3

[Guest]

I never left. I just had to get rid of that house. The saga is not over, so it will be a bit before I'm back up to full speed. Giggle. Glad I was missed. Hug. Jody

[Guest Gypsyfeenix]

Aww thanks Jody! I agree it is a bit like Alice in Wonderland (Did I mention Lewis Carroll is my favorite Author?! ))

*laughs*

I loved the Looking Glass Wars....if you haven't read it, you should! Really empowering!!

Alice comes back to Wonderland after the Red Queen holds reign for 15 years....not for the kiddies, though

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Aww thanks Jody! I agree it is a bit like Alice in Wonderland (Did I mention Lewis Carroll is my favorite Author?! ))

*laughs*

I loved the Looking Glass Wars....if you haven't read it, you should! Really empowering!!

Alice comes back to Wonderland after the Red Queen holds reign for 15 years....not for the kiddies, though

No I didn't actually even hear about that book! Didn't even know someone kind of picked up Carrolls work, look's really interesting. I'll have to check it out! Thanks!

[Guest Dezi]

Your comparisons between surviving and living really hit home for me. I spent so many years finding ways to get through the day, preoccupying my mind with illicit substances, games, shows, anything that got my mind off of myself. I used to tell my boyfriend that the place I hated being the most is in my mind, or alone with only my thoughts. Since going full-time myself, I've felt a lot of relief too, and it's incredible to finally be at peace with myself. I never thought that would come, I had just become indifferent to myself. It truly is a different universe.

The strong support of one person can be an amazing catalyst, and I'm so thrilled you had him to help.

[Guest MaybeLeslie]

Very inspiring Sarah. I am so happy you made it through <3. I've drifted for a long long time myself. I only went suicidal once, my mom would save me from actually doing it with some cheesy line that parents say to their children, however after a while I honestly stopped caring about dying. At one point I was smoking up to 4 packs a day, I mental welcomed death and asked God to take me every night.

Like you and others I kept my dysphoria at bay with distraction. My drug of choice was video games, MMOs specifically, FFXI, WoW, Aion, Tera, SWTOR, DCUO, and now FFXIV. I turned games into MY life. Even got to the point were I'd shower maybe once a week, rarely ever shaved, think I went like a month without brushing my teeth. Gained a bunch of weight. If I wasn't at work I was off in my fantasy land. Always play a female, cat girl (Mithra/Miqo'te) if possible, had all these friends that believed I was a girl and they called me she and her. It was insane. I'm still an addict but now I'm actually taking care of real me not the pixels I wish were me.

Never was a huge fan of reading. Did fall in love with the AD&D Dragonlance Chronicles in high school. *god i'm such a nerd*

Much <3,

Leslie

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Thanks Leslie.

I spent many years playing WoW, I still play it and SWTOR from time to time. The truth is World of Warcraft was there during some tough times with my health. I was about to come out in 2006 when I was hit with tinnitus (ringing in the ears) so loud that the only place I couldn't hear it was in the shower. It was very very difficult to deal with and I couldn't see my life going anywhere at all I really was on the verge of giving up, then Burning Crusade came out a few months after that and I got back into WoW. It really helped me get through that rough period. Like you thought I also played it because I could play as a female character, and just be my self when I felt I couldn't in reallife.

I can admit that there was a time in my life where personal hygiene wasn't exactly a priority, it's soo easy to just let your self go when you feel hopeless and all you're trying to do is survive for just one more day so I can totally relate. I'm glad to hear that you're starting to take care of the real you, it can definitely be hard but if we are to move forward sometimes we have to face the reality that makes us hurt and suffer in order to change it. I'm sure you can do it though, once you have a taste of what life can you cant help but want more.

With that said though I'll probably always be a gamer girl, I'm just actually trying to maintain an actual social life now outside of the MMOs.

Hugs,

Sarah

[Guest MaybeLeslie]

This forum is the current extent of my social life lol. Sad but true, I've lost pretty much all real life friends, in self destructive I think. I'm totally fine though about I have my family on Facebook, a playground now, and a few guilds/linkshells/whatever. Plus I work like 10-13hrs a day, 6 days a week. Yay me lol. I'll always be a gamer too. Started on Atari 2600 nd still playing

[Guest Michelle57]

So many years and heartaches.

Fifty six years ago I was born physically as a male but in mind, spirit and soul I was female. I always felt

lonely and alone. I felt like I was fighting the world and god himself. I have tried to committ suicide five

times and even failed at that. I have intentionally wrecked my car in two attempts, I have overdosed twice, I

shot myself once at age sixteen, I turned to alcohol and drugs, I would drink enough to pass out to stop

the dreams or should I say the night mares that I should have been born female. I have been shot at twice by

family and even raped on numerous times. BUT I survived it all, why I don't know, I guess that it's not

important as to why, but that I did. I never knew why I felt or thought the way I did.
I tried to hide it, to deny it, to run from it as fast and hard as I could, but it would always catch up

to me some where, some how. As I got older it got worse, more intense, overwhelming, scary. I was in my

forties before I learned that I was transgender, specifically transsexual, a female in a male body. What

next after such horrifing news. Denial. Run harder, fight harder, hide deeper from the world around me, try

every thing to be the man that family and friends expected me to be. It didn't work.
Since age sixteen I have been labeled with every thing under the sun, from phsychotic, split personality,

dual personality, depression and even crazy, all in my teenage years. What a mind trip it has been.In my

early forty's I found out what was wrong with me. I was diagnosed with GID
( gender identity dysphoria ). It

started to make sense but I was still in denial as I didn't want to be one of those, a freak, a weirdo, etc.

I went into denial. It couldn't be true, I didn't want it to be true, I couldn't accept it and tried to put

it behind me once again, another big fail. It has cost me two wives, family, and friends and for their pain

I am truely sorry even though I know they will never know how sorry I am for their pain, they probably don't

even know why I have hurt them the way that I have, it is another burden that I will have to carry alone.
In 2013 I was diagnosed with GID by yet another therapist of dozens who just happen to be the founder of

the transgender institute in K.C.. I decided to go with their recommendations and find out what all the big

fuss was about and after many sessions with her I realized that I was indeed transsexual and try to go

forward with any and all that was necessary to deal with my problems to overcome my depression. After many

sessions with her she recommended hormone therapy and I felt that she was right and I was ready to move

forward. I started HRT in December of 2013. After a couple of weeks I started to feel more like myself and

comfortable with who I am.
Yesterday I had my attorney file for a name change and gender marker on my legal documents. I have never

felt better in my life since I started HRT and transitioning from male to female. In the last four months I

have never felt more like me, myself, than I have ever felt. With each new day and each step that I take to

become me, the person that I have always felt and known that I was makes me feel like I am actually part of

the human race, that I am a real person.
All I can say is that to all who turned their back on me and walked away is that I am sorry. My transition

could have been a new and exciting adventure for them as well as me.
Even with all that is happening and as good as I feel about what is going on and happening to me both

physically and emotionally I still feel lonely and alone without those that mean the most to me at my side.

I have been told that when someone transitions that it is like walking thru a door and what is on this side

won't be on the other side. I know now what they meant but I have no choice but to walk thru that door if I

have any hope in finding myself.

Love
Always
Michelle Boone