Need help- pretty badly- asap!

[Guest sPAZAttack]

Hi guys, I'm pretty sure I'm transgendered and I have been heavily considering coming out to my mum over the the last few weeks. Particularly since I bought a whole lot of stuff online to dress up in, and now I dont do much else. I tried to tell her face to face last week but I just couldn't get the words out. It also doesn't help that I can't decide whether to say gay or transgender either... swinging towards transgender as I feel my identity has more impact on my life. I'm not really attracted to men, and see myself only really as a woman with one.

Anyway,over Easter I have spent pretty much the whole time locked in my room dressed up. I have been forgoing a lot of social situations in order to do what I do, and was invited to two parties but decided not to go either of them, I'm turning in to a bit of a recluse see. Incidentally I got a call from my mum ( I have not been responding to texts... not motivated at all atm) asking how I was and what I was doing. I didn't tell her what I was really doing but I said nothing, and that I was pretty bored, and my regrets of not coming down to visit. She later sent me a text a few hours ago saying she was worried about me and asking if everying is ok. She says that I do not sound 100% ( fairly apt ) and to let her know if I need anything... so she knows that something is up.

She is at a 5 day concert at the moment, and I am considering just sending her a text saying that I do have problems and need to talk to her after the said concert. Feeling quite upset at the moment, not sure how I'm going to do this. I think talking late at night talk might be the way to go, but what would I say? maybe that I am really really confused about my identity and that I am booking gender counselling tomorrow? Mum mum is fairly liberal so I think she will take it ok, but I'm pretty sure coming out will almost destroy me. I need to do it though, as I am really sick of being so distant with my family, and Mum is the closest to me. I'm not sure but if this is the way to go but I really need all the advice I can get, please help!

[Carolyn Marie]

I think the phrase you used, "really confused about my identity" is actually a good one. Much better than "I know I"m transgendered" or "I know I'm transsexual." Since you haven't yet talked with a gender therapist, that is a much less definitive statement and one less likely to cause anxiety or other negative reactions on the part of your mother.

The rest is kind of up to you, as obviously you know your mother well and know how much she might know about the whole TG thing. You would be surprised how confused, hurt, angry, guilty, or upset family members can be upon hearing this news, even those who you think are forward thinking and liberal. A parent's first reaction is often one of wanting to "protect" their kids from harm, and they think of all the possible bad things that can befall you by being TG or TS. So it's usually a good idea to hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

There are other good ideas in the Coming Out Sub-forum, particularly among the Pinned topics. I wish you luck, hon. Please let us know how it goes.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest KimberlyF]

I understand this needing to tell but fear of telling. It is very common. The relief from talking about things and getting them out in the open can be amazing and the whole process is very good for mental health.

There is no real right or wrong. You can always find a reasonable cause to delay-I'll wait till after the holidays or after a vacation or whatever. But rushing without a plan can sometimes set things back a bit too.

What can you say if you aren't 100% sure yourself? Do you think you could wait the day and see what happens at the therapist before you talk to her?

[Guest Amber Lynn]

My 2 cents, for what they're worth (probably 2 cents):

I can relate to socially isolating yourself, as well as getting really sick of feeling like you have to keep hiding. Because of this, I don't think it's a bad idea at all to come out to your mom about your gender identity, and I agree that this is a better and more accurate way of framing it than just proclaiming that you're gay.

However, though you know your mom and what method might work best for you, I would lean towards picking a different time to talk than right after the concert, if that is what you meant. It seems like you might be unable to give the talk the time it deserves, and it might even be too late for her to have the energy for it. Maybe more importantly, it might behoove you to make sure you schedule your talk later, so you know you'll be thinking clearly.

I'm inclined to agree with Kimberly and say maybe wait til after your first Gender Therapist appointment. Still, if you can't wait, that's fine too, just be sure to schedule a talk that you'll both have the time and composure to devote to it.

Good luck sweetie, and let us know how everything goes.

Gina

[Guest Alexis Haylee]

I am fairly new at all this myself, but what I have learned from coming out to my parents and direct family is that when you talk to any of your family I found that it is very important to make shore they know that your decision has nothing to do with them or how they raised you, that it is your personal choice. you should know that from looking through your pictures you definitely have nothing to be shy about, you definitely got it going on. I hope this was some help for you.

Alexis

Ps. Just be your self and be happy, For you can never learn to truly love others until you learn to love your self!

[Guest sPAZAttack]

Aww thanks, that means a lot =) glad I can look a little girlish if I cake my face in makeup! I find it's hard to really articulate what I am feeling with the labels given. I think that is the reason I am having trouble ' coming out' is because I really am not sure how to label myself. However, now that I think about it I'm not sure that I would be comfortable as identifying merely as gay...I can function as a guy in everyday life but crossdressing and trying to find myself are really impacting my relationships and study currently.

These feelings have always been here and I feel like a bit of a shell of a person, I have hidden so much of myself away from my friends and family over the years. I see myself as quite boring and bland really, as I have forgone interests and relationships in order to keep my mildly masculine identity! Feeling a bit better now as I went to visit friends ( a very close knitted group of guys ), ended up just thinking how they would accept me with all this stuff. Mum can wait, think I'm going to have to wake up early and book therapy asap. Thanks for all your help everyone, if you want to add anything else please feel free =)

[Guest Kylie2112]

Try writing a letter...at least that way you can say exactly what you want to say (rather than what I probably would have mustered...a "duh duh duh..." at best ) and she'll be able to ready everything you have to say without stopping your thoughts. That's what I did with my parents, and then a rather long-winded Facebook post for friends and family.

It's a fine art being able to articulate something like this, so take your time and try to be at ease

[Guest sPAZAttack]

To late! Told here over the phone. Ended up just telling her both things. Quite relieving but it hasn't really changed all that much. Mum's been really good about it so far. The extra support is great but I think I should have told her years ago =(