Not actually wanting to come out to my father for.. an atypical reason?

[Guest Kelly-087]

I know. a lot of us are worried about.. Rejection... Anger.. And other emotions associated with the coming out process. While it's been an on going struggle with my mother~ Slowly Im getting somewhere maybe.

Some other family members know about me. I haven't necessarily told them, but my brother figured it out and relatively doesn't seem to care.

I was ready to come out to my brother, sister in law. I didn't really have an opportune chance since the last time I saw them did not provide single second of solitude for it. And I don't have the sort of family, where I feel it would be very normal to do so in the form of a letter. Or maybe the personality. But, if after figuring it out and asked me, I would have told them everything. Which leaves me with an understanding that I'm relatively emotionally ready together.

But my father is another issue all together. You see, he's changed so much in the last two years that I've become emotionally detached from him. I felt for a long time there was an underlying ill-ness that would pop up, but fortunately so far it's been an old man getting older. It's not just me. My mother sees it too. To the point that basically I don't -Want- to tell him. I don't feel the need to. I don't want to deal with it. It's not worth it. My therapist asked me how I think my father would ultimately react when and if I came out to him. At the time, I didn't really know so I gave her a partial answer. And with more time to comprehend it I realize he would feel ashamed for the most part. I worry that his ever growing passive aggresive would eventually boil over and he would lose it. He's a very religious man, that volunteers on the council at his church and apparently has some limited authority. Of course, I don't know how much shame there is since our next door neighbors who attended the same church for even longer are parents to a trans guy who I don't really know since he transitioned. Just that he exists.

Why don't I do it now? Because I don't want to give anybody the impression that they can control this. My mom tried initially but it ultimately didn't get very far when I finally lost control of myself and had to start. If I came out now, he would just treat it as a joke.

It's a plethora of emotions about an issue that sooner or later is going to come to light. Probably within the next four months when my body changes more, and more. I'm not really looking for tips on how to come out, but perhaps comments if you all have anything constructive. It's difficult dealing with older parents (Sorry to some of you that are as old as my parents :S ) especially when they want to act old. It's a problem that I really dread no matter how I handle it, unlike my mother who is more capable of adapting.

[Charlize]

Hey dear i resemble that comment about being old! My problem has been with a son who after 39 years later sees me as his dad. He has such trouble finding acceptance but is better now than a year ago. It is so difficult because i judged myself for so many years and was guilty as charged. It took me 63 years to finally pardon myself for being me. My solitary confinement ended and i found freedom. I guess i am still on parole and doubts and past fears sometimes start to appear again. I try to be as honest as i can about that and have been able to move forward.

Take a moment and go back over the coming out topics. There are many suggestions but perhaps as importantly you will see you are not alone.

Hugs and please keep sharing it really helps.

Hugs,

charlie

[Guest sPAZAttack]

Hey Kelly,

I just came out to my mother this week. It was a very scary experience, but I do not regret it. She has been quite supportive, but looks at it realistically and see's that transitioning will be very hard. We are approaching the situation with transitioning as the last choice at this early stage. You really have to come out sometime or another, these feelings don't go away! Especially if you are transitioning. Since coming out in a small capacity I have been feeling a lot of anger towards my father. He is the last person I would tell. My story draws many parallels with yours as my father is a new age, evangelistic christian. He see's gay people ( we would be grouped in with them) as having an issue that can be fixed. Homophobic, but doesn't like to admit it. " I have gay friends", he says, but just because you work with gay people does not make you accepting of them. I think my relationship is going to be very difficult or non existent if he treats me any differently after I come out. I will not put up with it.

I have talked to my therapist and found that I have spent to much of my life living up to other peoples expectations. As a result I am exceedingly unhappy in my present state. You need to live your life for yourself. Not to the expectations of other people. If your father does not want you to be happy, I would say it is not worth knowing him. Simple as that.

Of course, this is just an opinion. But I hope it helps in some capacity. Best of luck with the transition. A little jealous of you.

Dylan

[VickySGV]

Your reason is not really all that atypical. Sorry to do that to you, but you are pretty much typically in line with a bunch of us. You say people have decided your dad "is just getting old". Maybe, but maybe not!! I had the issue where my father was "getting old" but there had been definite personality changes. We found out too late that he had had a non-cancerous brain tumor -- in fact 3 -- but denial being what it is "he was just getting old". I never did come out to him, and he died of the brain tumors in confusion and terror by not knowing what they were. (My sister who did know of them and did not tell any of us until he was on his death bed subsequently committed suicide from missing her father.)

It may be that you leave the "family circle" without coming out to him. What you need to do though, is leave it with purpose and maturity, and then when you have established your own productive and honorable life, re approach it from a position of self assurance, and yes, even love for your father and all others still within the circle.

[Guest Kelly-087]

Your reason is not really all that atypical. Sorry to do that to you, but you are pretty much typically in line with a bunch of us. You say people have decided your dad "is just getting old". Maybe, but maybe not!! I had the issue where my father was "getting old" but there had been definite personality changes. We found out too late that he had had a non-cancerous brain tumor -- in fact 3 -- but denial being what it is "he was just getting old". I never did come out to him, and he died of the brain tumors in confusion and terror by not knowing what they were. (My sister who did know of them and did not tell any of us until he was on his death bed subsequently committed suicide from missing her father.)

It may be that you leave the "family circle" without coming out to him. What you need to do though, is leave it with purpose and maturity, and then when you have established your own productive and honorable life, re approach it from a position of self assurance, and yes, even love for your father and all others still within the circle.

See. That's what I worry about. Is if there really is something medically wrong with him, that he's refusing to tell us or just flat out denying it exists. Leaving the family circle is not really a reality I foresee. My family.. just isn't like that. It wouldn't be allowed, lo1. My brother has been pretty supportive in the sense that he let me know he wants me around no matter what.

Do you regret not getting the chance to come out to your father? Not facing that situation myself, but viewing it hypothetically it would not be a choice I would make.. To come out to my father in that situation.

Hey dear i resemble that comment about being old! My problem has been with a son who after 39 years later sees me as his dad. He has such trouble finding acceptance but is better now than a year ago. It is so difficult because i judged myself for so many years and was guilty as charged. It took me 63 years to finally pardon myself for being me. My solitary confinement ended and i found freedom. I guess i am still on parole and doubts and past fears sometimes start to appear again. I try to be as honest as i can about that and have been able to move forward.

Sorry, anyone more than five years older than me is just old at this age xD!

I know I did state I was distant from my father, and I am, was. Though it feels like things are slowly changing, maybe it's me that's changing.

I have talked to my therapist and found that I have spent to much of my life living up to other peoples expectations. As a result I am exceedingly unhappy in my present state. You need to live your life for yourself. Not to the expectations of other people. If your father does not want you to be happy, I would say it is not worth knowing him. Simple as that.

Yeah. I think the one thing that riddled me with dysphoria for a long time was the notion that they knew who I was. Nobody had any clue who I was. I'm sure my father wants me to be happy, but I don't think he's ready to handle anything of this nature.

Whats different between you and I was that I didn't decide to tell my mother until I was ready to transition. And wanted to. I'm thankful for that because he initial attempts of rejection probably would have done some meaningful damage to me, and back then I was suicidal.

[Guest Xeriis]

Your reason is not really all that atypical. Sorry to do that to you, but you are pretty much typically in line with a bunch of us. You say people have decided your dad "is just getting old". Maybe, but maybe not!! I had the issue where my father was "getting old" but there had been definite personality changes. We found out too late that he had had a non-cancerous brain tumor -- in fact 3 -- but denial being what it is "he was just getting old". I never did come out to him, and he died of the brain tumors in confusion and terror by not knowing what they were. (My sister who did know of them and did not tell any of us until he was on his death bed subsequently committed suicide from missing her father.)

It may be that you leave the "family circle" without coming out to him. What you need to do though, is leave it with purpose and maturity, and then when you have established your own productive and honorable life, re approach it from a position of self assurance, and yes, even love for your father and all others still within the circle.

That is honestly what I am thinking of doing. I really do not want my family to control this and if I come out, they would probably take drastic measures to do so. Leaving with some purpose and establishing my own stable life seems like a good route to me. And after a while like this, only then do I intend to slowly approach my family again, the ones I think would be more accepting first to see how they react. But this is just what I have been seriously considering and have been for many many months. You should weigh all your options and really think about what you want before making a decision of what you want to do, this is merely me sharing my experience in a similar situation (also definitely do not want to come out to my father).

[VickySGV]

My dad died before I was ready to come out to anyone. I came out three years later at age 61. He was a person I knew all my life, and yet never knew!! From time to time I had glimpses, but never full long wide views of the whole person.

[Guest Mia J]

This is hard. What do you do? Both my parents have passed and I regret that I never came out to my mom. Mom and I were very close and I know she would have been accepting. As far as my dad, we were very distant. My sister and my dad had a wonderful relationship which I was always jealous of. My parents were both non homophobic or, as far as I ever knew, transphobic. I just never was comfortable with my parents to come out to them before they were gone.

These are really hard decisions that we have to face and each one of us is different.

Mia