My Mum

[Guest leo]

iv been thinking, as you do and i think iv been a little harsh on my mum

ye we all want to be accepted by our parents, but how long did it take you to come to terms with being trans?

mine was years i guess and doesnt my mum deserve the same chance/time to come to terms with it

i feel i have been harsh on her reaction when its just as hard for her as me.

its not easy for anyone around me including myself.

in fact i wont to thank her for not running out on me and a least making an effect to talk to me about it

im the problem because i switch off everytime she says something i dont wont to hear

i guess its time for me to grow up

i need to make her see im serious and to do that i got to accept her views too

its time for a change

[Guest Donna Jean]

Oh my, Leo....

You just TOTALLY impressed the heck outta me!!!!

That was a very mature thing to say and it made me ...snif''snif..

Oh, well....

***HUGGS***

Donna Jean

[Guest YaManShane]

Mines is still in the process of coming to terms with it I guess. Although a snap at her sometimes because most of the time I feel that she isn't making any effort. Its like she wants what she wants and doesn't care about what I want. She still tells me to shave, and to stop taking hormones. So I snap at her for that. I dont even know if shell ever come to terms

[Sally]

Donna Jean is right, that is a very mature attitude.

We all want to be accepted especially by our parents, mothers more so than dads, in most cases.

We forget how long we struggled and just want them to cheer for us - that would be great, but really should we expect that? No.

I have been like you towards my mother because I had hoped that she would be more supportive, well thinking back I realized that while she is always trying to find reasons that I shouldn't transition she did say on that very first talk that she believed that I could pass in either gender.

Her choice would be to keep her son, so it is my job to give her time and help her to see why I need to be her daughter and that I already am and have always been.

It is a difficult concept for those of us with the feelings and explaining them to those without is a challenge.

I am going to try to help my mother understand the why as best as I can and hope that she will still be able to love me, that is pretty much all that any of us can do.

Good luck,

Sally

[Guest bronx]

I came out to my mother about 12yrs ago, at first she cried and we really didn't talk about it that much. She called my brother and told him all about it. He didn't have much to say at first, asked me a few questions and then called me his little brother.

My mother is elderly she's in her 80's and comes from a diffrent time. When I started to phiscally transition that's when things between us changed. She seemed as though she didn't know who I was, and how she should talk to me and act around me. I was hurt and had to step back for a moment and be patient.

It wasn't easy to do, you want a relationship but how do you go about it. She told one of her friends that I was changing right in front of her eyes, that I didn't look like myself. It hurt. Because I did look myself, my real self.

Two years later things are alittle better, she starting to treat me as her son now and was happy for me when I got my name and gender changed. She called me to congratulate me. That felt good. But it took some time. We still sruggle with some things like me having top surgery soon and all, but I think she understands, at least she respects me and I her.

I love that woman and she loves me, We just needed to both do some growing.

[Guest Crossroads]

Leo, you brought up a great point. Those we care about deserve the time to mull as we have about these big decisions. I also think this was very mature of you, and I'm super proud of you for coming to this on your own!!

Good luck, you know we're all on your side!!

[Guest Zabrak]

Like everyones pointed out - you sound very mature! More mature then me and I'm two years older.

It'll take alot of time for some people to accept and process it. You may have to go through alot but in the end I think you'll be showing her how serious you are.

Good luck with your mother.

[Guest Aleckzandre]

I have that problem too. I'm not sure if I'm being fair enough to my parents.

The only thing that I insist on is that they use gender neutral words when reffering to me, like they call me thier "child" or "kid" instead of "daughter". I don't make them call me their son. And I won't respond if they say "girls" or "ladies" to talk to me and my sisters. They've been really good about it but sometimes I feel like I'm forcing it too much.

[Guest Evan_J]

wow, boy-to-man work right out loud on the forum

now thats mature.

[Guest Evan_J]

Mines is still in the process of coming to terms with it I guess. Although a snap at her sometimes because most of the time I feel that she isn't making any effort. Its like she wants what she wants and doesn't care about what I want. She still tells me to shave, and to stop taking hormones. So I snap at her for that. I dont even know if shell ever come to terms

Actually, read through Brox's response.

I know you're gonna and then go "what does that have to do with what I just said".

Besides the obvious, that your mother is scared, Borx's response actually addresses some stuff that I had to experience to know would be part of what was gonna go on with me and mom. I mentioned it very briefly once in an old post but essentially its that by/during transitioning you not only are "quiting being/making her lose her little girl" you are becoming "the other sex" to her. To her. Personal level. Meaning whatever thoughts/ barriers/ bounderies she has attached to "being in the presence of the opposite sex" are starting to surface for her. For me, in the instance where I first saw it, was the first time my mother was not comfortable to be in any state of semi or undress any longer. It wasn't "ok" anymore to be putting on her pantyhose and I was there. Or god help us a bra. Lots of times now I find her get "defensive" about women or what women can do when we talk -as if she's defending women to a man who is "any" man or as if by transitioning I'm becoming "all the men she ever had to battle at work". That is hard. It is hard to see. And from her end its hard to feel.

70% of her saying that to you is worried about your health. And 30% is adjusting to the idea of a man being where (she thought) "her daughter" once was. I think they can feel (especially if there are no sisters) "left alone". Basically, "I'm by myself as a female when I'm around you." And even though we love them and feel like sons, honestly she doesn't know you as a son. Thats a relationship you have to let grow. Are you a "good son", "bad son", kind of son thats going to make her feel bad as a woman, all of those are things she doesn't know and is able to fear as your mother.

[Guest leo]

i feel like taking everything back after last night

because she came out and said she wouldnt support me ever

and she blames the internet and she was like i know my own childrenm, you never showed any signs

she was talking about her holiday last year and how i wore a bikini, she said a trans person wouldnt do that

but back then i was afriad plus thats all i had in my suitcase was i suppose to swim naked? i had to have some dignity

anyway is she right? im not sure how long iv had this feeling cus i dont remember my childhood

am i wrong? all this had made me question myself. but i do know the feeling of being a boy is getting stronger as time goes passed

there isnt some kind of age limit is there?

anyway i told my parents what they wanted to hear in the end, that i was just gona accept the body im in

but as soon as i go to uni ill start my transition, they can hate me but thats the decision i got to make, i am who i am, ill just have to endure for the time being

[Guest bronx]

Leo-

I'm sorry that things happen the way they did. Your mother is scared and feels like she's loosing you. She doesn't know what to do right now so she's putting up her defensives and trying to find ways to justify what she doen't want to lose. My mother tried the same thing. After the smoke cleared a little she admitted to my aunt that she knew I was diffrent but never told me about it. I guess she just figured it was a phase and that it will go away. But it didn't. It was a feeling that I couldn't shake.

Your mother as I said before needs time, she will most likely go back and forth with you on this, 'cause she's probably going back and forth with this in her mind. It's not easy for them but they love us. They just need to get re-introduced to who we are.

Good luck my man and hang in there.

Angel

[Guest Evan_J]

Again, Bronx is on the money. Your mom will "say anything" and tell herself and you anything to make it not be true. Doesn't mean she's right. -How can what someone says make a whole other person "be" different? It like if you told me I'm 5'3" and I said back "no, you're 5'4" and I told you it long enough, at some point you might start going "maybe Ev's right? maybe I grew?" but if you acually are 5"3" you still will be after I shut up.

The other favorite example I have (especially with that swimming suit thing) is guy who's wife says she's turned on by women as opposed to men. The first thing he says is "but you married me". Which means nothing truthfully except she made a decision to say ok when he asked her and then "I do". Next evidence he gives himself is "but you have sex with me" which honestly again means nothing except she told herself to do it. Nothing he can argue can honestly say whether or not her turn on is men or women. Only she can know that.

[Guest leo]

thanks guys but im kind of at a cross road,

i dont have a clue what to do now

[Guest Zabrak]

I questioned myself at the start. I think everyone does. Then after I thought about why I was questioning myself I figured out I was just scared to loose people or not be accepted - but I got over it.

[Guest Evan_J]

thanks guys but im kind of at a cross road,

i dont have a clue what to do now

see, this is the part where I'm the bad influence lol cuz I'm an evil booger and my "advice" would be do what you've been doing all along. What makes you think "saying" a thing means you need to do that? They wanted to hear it, you said it, that means you need to do it? Not in my world. Not when you know that you want to play control games. They ask "I thought you said.....?" I'd shrug and if they persued the subject be honest, "Look, you have a problem with how I am. You want to believe it can be changed by you. I'm tired of arguing and I don't care what you think. You want to believe its all over, go for it. I'm living." -See, I'm not a model kid lol.

Oh and warning: taking advice like this can lead to additional explosions from adults

[Guest Jackson]

Again, Evan's spot on with advice. I tried being the model kid when I was growing up. What happened? I rebelled at the age of 26. I went through a midlife crisis and started cutting. After that, I decided that I was going to live my own life.

So now when I get grief from my mama about "Do you have a cold? You sound hoarse." (which has been going on for five months) and then my aunt starts with the same questions, I just keep saying the same old thing. "Must be my allergies." I'm tired of trying to make my parents happy.

I realize, Leo, that you're still young. But don't let your mum give you a guilt trip. You need to live *your* life.

[Guest leo]

true guys

but its cus im young and still living with my parents its gives them that certain control factor

mum has always controlled my life, iv never even brought my own clothes before

i brought a car though!

but i thin being at my own in uni which is a good 4 hours drive away will give me the push i need

[Sally]

Leo,

This isn't something that you can just put away and forget - I tried and it didn't work it has just made transitioning that much harder.

Waiting until you move away to help avoid the daily confrontation of under the same roof is not that bad of an idea, waiting until everyone approves will never work.

Hang on to you and don't let anyone tell Leo that he can't transition.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest leo]

uni is only 6 months away sallly,

but i understand what you mean

mind my new job as a carer has made things worse my uniform makes me look like a drag queen!

im trying to ignore that

mum was going through old pics today and just kept making comments like 'wish i had a figure like that' 'you look stunning' stuff like that, kinda makes me feel sick when i see old pics i duno why

[Sally]

Leo, dear,

I know how it must feel seeing the old pictures, but you don't have to feel that way forever, right now it is because she is forcing them on you and trying to make you 'not want to transition', which just doesn't happen.

I have had some wonderful experiences in my male life and I want to keep them after I am adding new ones from my female life.

I had a friend that hated her time spent as a male so badly that the first day of her RLT she went to the dumpster and had a funeral for every scrap of male clothing that she had. (I'm selling mine to used clothing stores, on E-bay or at garage sales.)

All of your memories can't be unpleasant, don't let her ruin them for you.

As you move on in life keep the good ones and forget the rest.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest bronx]

I could be wrong on this but it seems to me that your mother is in some sort of morning, like looking at you pictures she's sorta coming to terms with you being trans in her own way. I think she knows deep down in her heart what you are and she's having a hard time with it. I know it hurts and bothers you, but try and give her a little more credit and time. I know that maybe hard to hear right now but I would. Just a thought.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Leo

I have a little observation here that might help you. My entire life has been woulda, coulda, shoulda, and I have spouses, parents, good friends, casual friends, not so good friends - you get the picture - that would do this- then that - then this again turned around! It was impossible to know what was going on - drove me crazzzzy.

Then I understood. Everthing is built on the past. Your mom loved you as a child (she still does) your mom hates the idea of you transistioning (and always will) BUT she builds on top of both of those things, as she moves into the present. If she accepts you (she will - mothers love their cildren) then that acceptance will be on top of the previous love and the previous hatred of your transistioning. You won't ever be able to change that And in the future you need to get her to keep adding more acceptance and love until the scale tips heavily toward her loving and accepting you. But just remember all the old stuff will still be there.

Same for you. You cannot change, you are you as you were in the past and that cannot be taken away. All you can do is build on top of what you are. The trick is to use the best building materials you can find, so your good will always tip the scales over your bad.

Try that way of thinking? Works for me - makes things a little bit more understandable.

Elizabeth

[Guest leo]

thanks again girls and boys for the advice,

im going to try and be patient, something i thought i was good at

in 6 months ill be off to uni, i was planning on leaving mum and dad in the dark about my transition, but i dont think it would be right to do that.

how bout giving your clothes to me sally

[Sally]

Leo,

I'd be glad to, but I've seen your pictures - you could share them with your brothers - at the same time!

I'm what polite people refer to as Plus Size and others just call huge!

So Sorry,

Sally