Gender Bending

[Guest Zeda]

I am calling it gender bending because my goal wasn't to pass as female.

I have been overly nervous, cautious, terrified, lacking confidence and everything like that when it comes to expressing myself as a trans person. I am out to most of the people around me and still I present as male. I use a deep, gravelly voice, when I get nervous, I tend to clench my fists to flex muscles, and I dress in fairly guyish clothes. Occasionally I wear makeup and that is all I do to offset the look.

I am still too nervous to break out of what i am used to. I keep worrying about looking good enough, not passing properly, making a fool of myself. I basically have no confidence.

I attended the North East LGBT Conference two weekends ago and it was a wonderful opportunity. On campus, I might get exposure to as many as 30 people in the LGBTQ community, but the T and Q aren't really represented. At the NELGBT Conference, I was surrounded by over 500 students, we met many speakers, but more importantly for me, personally, I met trans and genderqueer people who were open and wanting to talk. I made some friends and I also gained a little confidence. I came home and I had a challenge for myself. The weather dissuaded me for three days, but on the fourth-- last Thursday-- I took myself up on my personal challenge. The weather was warm, in the mid 70s, and so I didn't have to worry about freezing myself. I didn't have to go to campus until 11:00 for work and it is a 1.5 mile walk. I flexed my gender bending muscles. I got one of my guy shirts that has a rather neat look and fits me well, combined that with one of my skirts so that I was all sorts of mismatched, put on some makeup, tied back my hair. I walked the 1.5 miles through a rural, conservative town, barefoot to campus, and went to the library to use the gender-neutral restrooms because I almost peed myself from nervous excitement. The amazing thing was that I got no second glances. People looked up from what they were doing and then went right back. When I got to work, I had to change into my work uniform, but the rumor had spread already and so I was asked by several people if it was true that I had worn a skirt. I answered yes and that returned varied responses (some good, some bad). After work, I changed back and my spouse and I walked home. His response? "Well, they probably all thought you were a hippy." College is an interesting place.

So, anyways, I felt very comfortable this time, unlike the last time I tried this. I think it was probably because last time I was trying too hard and felt too self-conscious. Now I am looking forward to another warm day and hopefully I can have my girl voice almost presentable before the semester ends ^^

Hooray for a confidence boost; I've been in need of one for a few months now.

[Guest]

HI Xeda,

I am glad for you! Not everyone can appreciate gender bending. I personally would have a much harder time doing that than complete transition. But, in a younger person, in a college town... There are no rules.

Enjoy your new freedom!

Love, Megan

[Carolyn Marie]

I agree with Megan, hon. If you were happy and satisfied, and had no problems with anyone, then the day was a fantastic success. You should be proud of yourself for your courage. Please be careful though, and have a phone handy in case you ever do run into a problem. Not even college campuses are immune from bad people.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[gennee]

Congrats to you, Xeda. College campuses are generally more open to diversity.

[Charlize]

I am happy for you dear. I agree with Megan and Carolyn. I am happy to pass and try to go stealth in public as i can. I had the opportunity to go to a GLBT conference at my old university. There was a wonderful student who played the piano for over 600 of us in a black ship and stockings and had not shaved a well grown beard. I think it is great that this can happen now but know how dangerous it is for any of us so please be careful. As a student at the same school in the 60's i would have been raped and murdered and the police would have cheered. It's changing but still may i repeat as an old mother hen: Be careful.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Zeda]

Sorry for the lack of an update, but it has been going well. My friends also were more open to giving me advice, too, on what to wear and they were giving suggestions which is unbelievably helpful. Most people know that I identify as trans, but since I typically present as a masculine male, it must be a bit difficult to see that. Doing these lovely gender bending exercises helped them, I think, and I have had more people asking about which gender pronouns and name they should use. So I think it went well

As to the safety concerns, there are definitely people that I am wary around and I have had certain slurs yelled out of car windows, objects thrown from car windows, and other such stuff. As well, there are a few places such as one fraternity house that doesn't seem to like me. In most cases, this was all while presenting as a masculine male (twice there were things yelled out a window while I was walking with my spouse, gender bending). A handful of the employees where I work are not comfortable with who I am and who my spouse is, but I am confident that they won't do anything.

With that all being said, I am generally a well liked person and I am well known. If worst comes to worst, I am apparently pretty intimidating when I stop smiling .___.