Help with coming out letter, please?

[Guest rexxmarksley]

Hello everyone, I'm Aaron and I've only recently joined the forum.

I'm a 17 year old trans man (FTM) and I'm planning on coming out to my parents. I'm very open with my parents usually and can trust them with a lot. And although I've only really understood my feelings since this time last year, I'd like them to know. They keep hinting at it and asking me things regarding my sexuality and gender but I've been too afraid and denied it all.

These are the things I've included in the letter:

- Introduction (explaining that I have never liked being or a girl, or felt like a girl and explaining transgender as a term)

- Explaining where hints of it have appeared in my childhood and growing up (this forms the bulk of the letter)

- Explaining teasing at school ('you sound like a man', 'you look like a Transgender' (people actually meant this as in they thought I was mtf)

- Explaining the confusion I felt, how I wasn't sure if I should be myself or do what other girls my age were.

- Explaining how my ex boyfriend made me more feminine a few years back

- How I discovered myself being transgender (online, did research etc) and how long it took me to really act upon it (4-5 months)

- Insecurities and why they made me want to rush to be myself more than I ever had been and how happy I was doing so

- Why I haven't told them sooner (hospital app (stomach issues), anxiety, therapy and being unable to go out because of my mental health)

-That my college I'm joining in September knows and my therapist knows (but dispelled it as a teenage thing and aim to help them realise it is not a phase, but a discovery, a realisation)

-Ask for love, support and explain how grateful I am for them being there

-Explain that I can move out if they want me to

-Asking for questions if they have any and explaining I'll email my dad with links to read and watch

-Apology and sign off

It's not in the most complicated of language, it's very simplified. I don't want to sound pretentious and I want it to be as casual as it can. Using big words and terms might make them confused. It's also just under 3 pages long (compared to my original which was 5)

I've decided to leave out name and pronoun changes and let them approach me about it instead. My plan is to leave this downstairs when I go to get a shower one morning. My mum will be the first to read it and hopefully my dad will read it when he gets home.

I'm dead scared of their reactions. They've told me that they wouldn't kick a child out for being gay, that it's wrong to do so. But I'm hoping the same can be said for being trans. They weren't quite ok with me becoming more masculine at the start (because I had gone very feminine when I had my boyfriend, but completely changed when we broke up because I didn't need to please anyone). However they seem to be much more accepting now. My mum doesn't even consider taking me women's clothes shopping because she knows how I am about it. To be honest, I've never felt right in women's clothing stores anyway, always liked men's clothes more

But yes, anything I've missed out or might be useful to add in?

Any experiences you had yourself?

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Welcome to Laura's Playground Rexxmarksley!

You might want to head over to the introduction forums which you can find here, and introduce your self a little to our great members.

With that said, I had to write a very similar letter to my dad to get him to understand my situation. I think you have most of your basis covered as far as I can think of, but there is one thing that I would change in what you included. You really don't have anything to apologize for, instead of apologizing I would express your love for them. That way you come across less shamed over it and possibly more diplomatic! Just my thoughts though, otherwise I think you are taking a very big step and I hope it all goes well.

Again, Welcome!

Sarah

[Guest rexxmarksley]

Welcome to Laura's Playground Rexxmarksley!

You might want to head over to the introduction forums which you can find here, and introduce your self a little to our great members.

With that said, I had to write a very similar letter to my dad to get him to understand my situation. I think you have most of your basis covered as far as I can think of, but there is one thing that I would change in what you included. You really don't have anything to apologize for, instead of apologizing I would express your love for them. That way you come across less shamed over it and possibly more diplomatic! Just my thoughts though, otherwise I think you are taking a very big step and I hope it all goes well.

Again, Welcome!

Sarah

Thank you, Sarah

[JenniferB]

Hi Rex, :-)

There is no perfect way or perfect time to come out. Yet your approach appears to be a good way to proceed. From what you've said about your parents hinting at you that something is up, I highly doubt that they will be surprised, but are waiting for you to take the first step. They sound like very good and caring parents who just want to see you happy.

Good Luck! Soon this will be behind you.

Love,

Jenny

[JJ]

My only suggestion is that with most people I explain my feelings but never label them as transgender or transsexual because people really don't understand those terms though they think they do and once mentioned the coming out can be less about my identity than TG or TS myths and misconceptions. So I just don't use the label. If someone else does then I discuss what TG really is and what it is not.Particularly not about sexual orientation t does sound like they are prepared for what you have to say and have been opening the door for a disclosure. And being prepared will help as well. With all the adrenalin flowing at disclosure it can be all too easy to get too emotional and to forget things it is important to us to say. Even though they have indicated that they are prepared it still may be difficult for them and they may need some time and patience and understanding . In the end that makes all the difference.

Best of luck to you. Please let us know how it goes. Often our loved ones turn out to be our greatest supporters once they understand.

Johnny

[Guest RachelAnn]

Hi hi, Rex!

Of course you know your parents best, and to what approach they will best respond. One aspect that you didn't seem to touch on was the medical side of it. Transgenderism is a medical condition that occurs during pregnancy (between weeks 12 and 16). You had as much control over it as you did in being born deaf, or left-handed, or anything else. You can find a good deal of information about it, but just knowing this can help a lot.

When I told my dad fourteen years ago, I used this approach, and I'm glad I did. He blamed himself for this, as though he'd somehow passed it along genetically. It doesn't happen that way, and I was able to reassure him. (My mom had died a number of years earlier.) The fact that is WAS a medical fact gave him something concrete to latch onto. Sure, there were difficulties afterwards for a few years - when he died - but it was the knowledge that the medical world recognized it helped a whole bunch.

This approach may or may not help with your parents. (Just be quick to point out it was in NO WAY their fault; that there was nothing they could have done.) Regardless, it always helps YOU to know as much as you can about being transgendered. It will help you understand the risks and rewards of treatment; it will aid you when you explain to others what you're going through and why; and it will at times give you a reassurance that you're not as crazy as you sometimes think you are. (And trust me, you'll certainly have those moments when you start HRT.)

God blessings on you, sir!

Rachel Ann

[Guest Christina xxx]

I think you have all the major points covered and good look