we had another fight :(

[Guest nat1982]

Sadly as the topic has stated, my partner and i had another massive arguement last night. My head is full of mixed feelings and I dont want to let go of our relationship. I am trying my hardest to be as supportive as i can be and i have even stopped doing alot of the things i loved so much. I really think we can get through but no matter how much we do or how far we have come together, everytime its always 10 steps backwards.

I hate being so alone all the time. I turn to my partner for love and support as i have no one else and sadly each time i do i feel it rips us apart that little bit further. Why does this have to be so hard. I always believed that love, true love would conquer all, but sadly i am losing faith in those words.....

I just wish i had someone to hug and a shoulder to cry on.

How much more is my happiness going to cost me........

Natalie

[Guest Jennifer T]

Natalie, my heart hears you. I am sorry that it's difficult between you and your partner. I don't have answers, only empathy. I too have always believed the mine and my wife's love for each other could conquer anything. But this one has me stymied as well. My prayers for you

[Guest Angel Heart]

Natalie, this sounds very difficult i so wish i could help. I really do...I don't think I can help, though

I have a nice shoulder for you to cry on. I know you could use it

[Guest nat1982]

Thank you Jennifer. I know alot of people face the same thing and only 50% survive this. I just thought what i feel in my heart would be enough...

Natalie

[Guest nat1982]

I do need a shoulder. I am all alone in this, i have lost my best friend and i dont have any family. I dont expect my wife to be happy about this nor to welcome it with open arms, what i do want/need is for her to accept that this is real and that it is not a choice for me, rather me discovering what i have yearned for for 31 years. I know who i am now and i am 1000000000000% happy and ok with it. why do people think this is a choice. it is far from it. asking someone to make a choice over their inner happines and peace or chose to try something else is impossible. I dont know what i can do/say to her anymore. i am lost....

Natalie

[Charlize]

Give it time dear. Sometimes things work out when we think they won't. If it wasn't meant to be you will survive and continue. Sometimes that too is for the best. I've been lucky but the transition has caused much pain and time for that to heal and that will continue into the future. It is still better than denying, lying and not accepting myself.

Hugs and a shoulder,

Charlie

[Guest Jennifer T]

Thank you Jennifer. I know alot of people face the same thing and only 50% survive this. I just thought what i feel in my heart would be enough...

Natalie

I have to believe that there's a reason for the journey. I'm walking. You keep walking too, ok? Keep sharing here. My shoulders are strong.

[Guest nat1982]

Thank you. i know only time can heal,fix or mend what has been broken. I am willing to wait and be there for her as much as it takes. I am not giving up,just rather a bit lost at the moment. Maybe i need to find a local support groupd to help. I have searched and cant really find anything.

I guess this is one of the many lows i will face over the next couple of years. I know we can do this, but sadly i cant make someone believe in that if they chose not to. This is up to her and i will just have to sit back and wait......

Natalie

[Guest Christina xxx]

Natalie I wish I could help

[Guest Jennifer T]

I do know this; the strongest of steel is forged in the hottest flames. And diamonds are made from incredible pressure. So goes the human spirit. The journey's end will reveal great beauty and strength in the person you are. Hold to this.

[VickySGV]

One of the toughest parts of being Trans is that we built our hopes and expectations on something we were not and could not be. Those hopes and goals were built on others perceiving us as our birth gender, and others around us built theirs on the same foundation of birth gender, and not on our inner humanity. Even we could not express that humanity until we came to grips with our inner selves. You love your partner but you began it at a different place than she believed you did, and you most likely did not know you did. She returned the love to a person she did not really know, and right now is having to deal with her perception of who you are. My suggestion is for now to work on you becoming in love with yourself, and communicating that to your partner, in a sense the original courtship must start anew. Hang in there hun. Hugggggs.

[Guest Sarah Faith]

I don't really have anything of value to really add Natalie, but I do want to say that we are here for you hon. I never had to transitioning while in a marriage so I simply do not have the experiences to share that are specific to this, but I have been told in regards to other relationships in my life that in some ways you have to start over with people. You have to give the people you love the chance to get to know the real you, and hopefully with a bit of love and patience you can make it through with your relationship even stronger.

Transitioning can be hard for the ones we love, even harder than it is for us so communication is key. You cannot go based on the expectations you may have of what they need or want it is genuinely something you need to talk about openly. You also should keep your heart and mind open to the possibility that the nature of your relationship may change.

Regardless you know we are always here for you, and I know that you will find your way through the bumps in the road.

Big Hugs,

Sarah

[Guest nat1982]

Thank you everyone for your kind and loving words. i know we can get through this its just hard to see the sunlight through the dark dark clouds

[Guest angels wings]

Natalie my friend this journey will test your marriage like nothing ever has before . There are very dark days but there can be light you both can be happy . I know how much She loves you I know her love is real but right now she is going through the grieving process and this my friend is very intense . Let her release the anger and pain don't fight back lovey remember she is so hurt and she needs to try and release all this in a healthy way . You can't help you have this condition she can't help how painful it is loosing her husband but you both can help each other get through this . Give her time be gentle be true . I hope and pray you both can work through this I know the love is there ,I know love can conquer but it takes a lot of hard work . Hang in there Nat don't let this build thicker walls between you both . We are here for you ((((((((((hugs)))))))for you both special friends

[Guest sophia.gentry58]

Hi Natalie

It may be helpful to you to know that the more intense emotional pain that is exhibited in a relationship reflects a strong correlation to the amount of love invested in that relationship. Knowing this should aid you in not thinking that your wife does not love you because she expresses hurt and anger, even if in the end separation/divorce is the only recourse. You must allow her to process this huge revelation in her own way and not to grow impatient with her, after all, if you were to be in her skin how receptive would you be with the concept of remaining in a marriage with someone who realizes that they are in fact a woman? Better yet, all things being equal, and you were a typical man in a typical marriage and your wife came to you one day and said that she is a man and needs to transition her body to bring it into congruence with her male brain; how would you respond - how would you handle this monumental news?

Please don't take what I've said as being a harsh response to your plight for I do very much empathize with you. However, I think it can become so easy as to see ourselves as the only victim here when in reality there are multiple victims involved. If I could take back the pain and suffering I have caused my wife and family without sacrificing my transition, I would do it in a heartbeat. But alas, such is not the case for if one were able to confess to there family about their true gender identity and it not cause an upsetting of the emotional "apple cart", you might have to consider just how much love was invested within the marriage/family in the first place. This of course is considering the fact that like most of us that person attempted to have a "normal" marriage while at the same time suffering in silence until neither is tenable. So I give you this information because I do empathize with what you are going through; I ask that you empathize with your wife, give her space to grieve and time to heal, be hopeful for the best, but be realistically optimistic about the future.

I extend my self to you Natalie if ever I can be a shoulder for you to cry on and or an ear to listen. (((Hugs)))

Sophia

[Guest Jennifer T]

-You're going to have to give up a lot to get a little. Start now-

But Nova, there are those of us who cannot give up a lot. Though I am Jennifer, I have spent a lifetime being/becoming T. And T has shared over half that lifetime with another creating a bond and an experience that cannot simply be set aside. I cannot speak for others. But "I" (Overtly T and secretly Jennifer) am inextricably woven into the fabric of who my wife and I have become. We need breathe each other and believe that our whole is greater than our individual selves. I've no other way to explain it.

[Guest angels wings]

Nova I disagree with what you have said .how can you tell her to discontinue how they see each other. It didn't work for you , does not mean it won't work for them. Let them have hope in their hearts . The grieving process is hard and from my heart to theirs I hope and pray the pain eases and they can make things work . Please don't jump in and steal someone's hope .

Angel

[Guest Jennifer T]

Nova, I've learned a very difficult lesson in groups. If I speak for others, eventually someone gets offended. If I used 6 'you(s)' in my post, I'd most certainly be taking license that I don't really have. But, I can speak for myself. So, all I can do is share my own story and hope it helps someone in some way. But I cannot speak with authority for others. So I don't.

That said, yes, I've had a lifetime building Jennifer & T. And yes, my wife has indeed had our lifetime (30 years) together to deal with who/what I am and what we are together. On this, I can speak with authority. She will tell you that even though it wasn't until 2009 that I 'came out' to her, she was not surprised and can see how it's been there all these years.

What I've never done is lead her down a road where she cannot follow me. She can accept I have this issue. Right now she cannot accept a physical woman as her partner.

To the statement I was addressing in the last post, I can give a lot to get a lot. That is equitable. I cannot ask her to give a lot and get nothing in return. She doesn't want Jennifer as her spouse. She wants T. And until such a time as she can see that giving up a lot (T) will give her more (Jennifer fulfilled), I must wait. T us the conduit through which my wife has access to Jen and all that she is.

We all have choices to make. And we make them. I only express my heart here to others who may share a similar circumstance.

Yes, you've been there, done that with your choices. I would never presume to say I know more than you about transition or those choices. And in many ways i am very envious. But I will tell you that I know way more than you about Jennifer, T and D and the life they've shared together and the rich tapestry their lives have woven through this journey - through joy and sadness and love and anguish and all that exists in between. I cannot sacrifice that. And I do not believe I have to. I hold to hope. It's all I can do.

What's my point? I don't know. Simply offering my perspective.

Peace.

[Guest DianeATL]

I am still too much of a novice to offer real advice. All I can say is I feel your pain and share many of the same needs, including hugs. Long distance hug for you darling, life is full of storms but somehow we come out the other side and move on.

Hugs

[Guest nat1982]

Thanks Diane means alot to hear others share the same pain.

Natalie

[Guest Strong]

Hi Nate, I'm so sorry to hear about the difficulties with your spouse. I also have difficulties with mine. Due to constant fighting we have decided to part for our children and us. We will still do our best to support each other just not like it used to be. I know how hard it is. I have faith that this is the best for us at the moment. Maybe with the seperation we can find a new and better relationship. I know that I must be true to my self, As all of us that are trans. We only want the chance to be happy. However its the hardest walk we will ever take to reach that.

You can pm me if you need! Having friends is a good thing.

Strong

[Charlize]

I wish there was a magic spell that could make change easy for all. But we all live without that help. Time and change go together. All that is won't be. Don't mean to go that far out but it does say to me that it can get better regardless with time. To get that though we often have to accept a reality we don't like and pain is always part of our lives. For my life that pain has also brought some growth and i feel that perhaps i'm a better partner now than i ever was. I'm happy in myself and the wounds of change are healed for the most part as far as i know. I'm honest ( now that's a change!) and i think my wife is as well. Please give it time for you and your partners to heal. We may separate but even then we will be adjusting to the change. Acceptance makes it easier for me and hopefully with time it is for all of us.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest LuAnne]

As Natalie's partner it is frustrating and hurtful reading the negative comments when it comes to couples having a hard time adapting to a major adjustment in their life. Natalie is not the only one transitioning, myself and our four kids have to as well. Would be so much better for Natalie to receive encouragement and hang in there comments rather than poor me comments and just end it now advice. I am entitled to my feelings in this as well. Just because I have a hard time with it somedays doesn't mean I don't love my husband any less or want to leave our marriage. I just need my feelings and thoughts heard and validated too. Marriage is a two way street and compromise needs to be two way street too. We still love each other and are working this the best we can. Transition takes time for all involved. Mentally as well as physically. After 11 years together one fight is not the end of the world.

[Guest Sarah Faith]

LuAnne, I just re-read this entire thread and I didn't notice anyone giving the advice of just ending your relationship now. You are absolutely entitled to your feelings, and most of the advice that I saw suggested Nat take your feelings into account and that if she wants to maintain or rebuild your relationship it is going to take work. None of us think that you want to leave Natalie, but we all know that transition can be hard on everyone especially our loved ones. The important aspect is to maintain communication between the two of you.

If you mean when some of us say that one has to be ready to lose everything, that doesn't mean one should just abandon everything.. We just mean that when someone starts to transition they have to take into consideration the very real possibility that people will walk away from them, and be prepared to accept it. That doesn't guarantee that someone will. Only the two of you as a couple can decide where your future lies, and that will only be determined how both of you handle this situation and what you each need going forward. If you both want things to work out and you work towards that goal I believe you will achieve it.

No one is trying to make you out to be the villain hon, we understand fully that this is very hard on you. We're here for you too.

Hugs,

Sarah

[Guest angels wings]

You are right , You to are transitioning lovey and so are your children .we all transition and try to move forward the best way one can .and I agree you are entitled to your feelings you have loved this person for years and continue loving her that is priceless you are doing your best and I take my hat of to you Lu.

Because you have a hard time with this shows that you do love her and you want your marriage to work if you were not having a hard time it would make one think you don't really care and have shut off. Your feelings are real I know and you are moving forward you should be proud Lu

Angel (((((((hugs))))))