One Liners

[Guest Amadeus]

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts was discovered recently in Egypt; it is believed to be the Pharoah Roche.

Right. Give us some of your best one-liners!

[Guest RockmtalQueen]

I told a blonde girl that she was gullible...and she believed me.

/hugs

Lexi ^^

[Sally]

I ran into my old girlfriend on the street today, so I backed up and ran into her again! Jeff Ross

Everyone likes bananas because they have such a peel.

I went to the doctor and he gave me six months to live so I went to another doctor and he gave me six months to live, I am up to a year now and I have appointments with seven more doctors.

They say that a camera adds ten pounds, from my experience they add closer to thirty when you are carrying all of the lenses.

Hello darkness my old friend, I forgot to pay my bill again....

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

The chance of rain is always 50%: either it will or it won't.

[Guest]

I told a blonde girl that she was gullible...and she believed me.

/hugs

Lexi ^^

Hey! I resemble that remark! Hug. JodyAnn

[Guest rexxmarksley]

Velco - it's such a rip off!

[mara13]

Not sure if this will classify as a one liner, but it is a good question.

Why do we PARK in a driveway, but DRIVE on a parkway?

If con is the opposite of pro, does that mean that CONgress is the opposite of PROgress?

Now, While Gallagher DID use these in his comedy routine, they are older than his career, so I think they are useable. I had even used them before I had ever even heard of him. Great comedian though.

[Guest Sarah21]

I went to the hairdresser and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise. So the barber puts a cushion on my seat.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

[mara13]

A man walks into a bar........and says "OUCH!"

[Guest Amadeus]

A dyslexic walks into a bra

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

If you can think of any other good fish puns, let minnow.

[VickySGV]

You asked that just for the halibut!!

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

Why did the cowboy buy a dachsund? To get a long little doggie.

[Sally]

Two blondes walk into a bar, you would have thought the second one would have ducked.

Alert musician jokes to follow:

What dies it mean when a trombone player is on your porch - your pizza is here!

Where does a drummer store his cymbals - a pawn shop.

What do you call a Bass player without a girlfriend - homeless.

Lizzie, I don't know any fish puns but I do know that Pollock jokes give me a Haddock.

Do all pilot fish have to go to school?

I am the flower of my family, a bloomin' idiot.

What exactly is a Jumbo Shrimp, it has to be one or the other. - George Carlin

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Amadeus]

You'll go a long way with that kind of attitude. And I wish you'd start now! (Groucho Marx)

[Guest LauraJen]

When vacuum cleaners suck, they don't. :-)

[Guest Kaylee234]

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I’ll never know.

~ Kay

[mara13]

While I may have the SOLE of a comedian, I think I will avoid fish jokes, I will likely just FLOUNDER.

[Guest meganstar]

I once got powdered water. I didn't know what to add to it.

[Guest Edina]

I'm in the process of writing an unauthorized autobiography.

[Guest Maria_B]

I felt so sorry for the MtF girl who went swimming, she got out of the water with a Beardie on her chin!

[Guest Kontessa]

Have you herd about the peson who hiked a mile - and only moved to feet?

HAVE FUN and many hugs and best wishes to all!!!

Kontessa

[Guest Kontessa]

Have heard about the person that read in the paper that 80% of auto accidents occur within 15 miles of home - so thus he moved!

Have a happy day and many hugs and wishes to all!!!

Kontessa

[Guest Kontessa]

Old real estate brokers never die - they just become listless!

Old bankers never die - they just lose interest!

Old lawyers never die - they just become briefless!

Old doctors never die - they lose their patients!

And, old gofers never die - the just lose their ball.

Have a nice day and many hugs and best wishes to all

Kontessa

[Guest DianeATL]

Musician theme continued

How do you silence a classical musician - take the sheet music away

How do you silence a jazz musician - put sheet music in front of them