Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

One Liners


Guest Amadeus

Recommended Posts

Guest Amadeus

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts was discovered recently in Egypt; it is believed to be the Pharoah Roche.

Right. Give us some of your best one-liners!

Link to comment

I ran into my old girlfriend on the street today, so I backed up and ran into her again! Jeff Ross

Everyone likes bananas because they have such a peel.

I went to the doctor and he gave me six months to live so I went to another doctor and he gave me six months to live, I am up to a year now and I have appointments with seven more doctors.

They say that a camera adds ten pounds, from my experience they add closer to thirty when you are carrying all of the lenses.

Hello darkness my old friend, I forgot to pay my bill again....

Love ya,

Sally

Link to comment

Not sure if this will classify as a one liner, but it is a good question.

Why do we PARK in a driveway, but DRIVE on a parkway?

If con is the opposite of pro, does that mean that CONgress is the opposite of PROgress?

Now, While Gallagher DID use these in his comedy routine, they are older than his career, so I think they are useable. I had even used them before I had ever even heard of him. Great comedian though.

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Sarah21

I went to the hairdresser and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise. So the barber puts a cushion on my seat.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Link to comment
  • Admin

:Crylol: You asked that just for the halibut!!

Link to comment

Two blondes walk into a bar, you would have thought the second one would have ducked.

Alert musician jokes to follow:

What dies it mean when a trombone player is on your porch - your pizza is here!

Where does a drummer store his cymbals - a pawn shop.

What do you call a Bass player without a girlfriend - homeless.

Lizzie, I don't know any fish puns but I do know that Pollock jokes give me a Haddock.

Do all pilot fish have to go to school?

I am the flower of my family, a bloomin' idiot.

What exactly is a Jumbo Shrimp, it has to be one or the other. - George Carlin

Love ya,

Sally

Link to comment
Guest Kaylee234

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I’ll never know.

~ Kay

Link to comment

While I may have the SOLE of a comedian, I think I will avoid fish jokes, I will likely just FLOUNDER.

Link to comment
  • 4 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Kontessa

Have you herd about the peson who hiked a mile - and only moved to feet?

HAVE FUN and many hugs and best wishes to all!!!

Kontessa

Link to comment
Guest Kontessa

Have heard about the person that read in the paper that 80% of auto accidents occur within 15 miles of home - so thus he moved!

Have a happy day and many hugs and wishes to all!!!

Kontessa

Link to comment
Guest Kontessa

Old real estate brokers never die - they just become listless!

Old bankers never die - they just lose interest!

Old lawyers never die - they just become briefless!

Old doctors never die - they lose their patients!

And, old gofers never die - the just lose their ball.

Have a nice day and many hugs and best wishes to all

Kontessa

Link to comment
Guest DianeATL

Musician theme continued

How do you silence a classical musician - take the sheet music away

How do you silence a jazz musician - put sheet music in front of them

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 130 Guests (See full list)

    • April Marie
    • KathyLauren
    • Heather Shay
    • MirandaB
    • LucyF
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.8k
    • Total Posts
      769.8k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,082
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Amberoni
    Newest Member
    Amberoni
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Alex2022
      Alex2022
      (20 years old)
    2. cvincent
      cvincent
      (69 years old)
    3. Demorriana
      Demorriana
      (25 years old)
    4. forbiddenforest
      forbiddenforest
      (26 years old)
    5. LoganXB
      LoganXB
  • Posts

    • Heather Shay
    • Willow
      Good morning    Work day today, no pool time, and no dress.  Just a uniform top and slacks.   Thank you for asking about my wife, @Ashley0616 , she is improving all the time and getting anxious to be rid of the med vac.  She keeps telling people a couple mor weeks be even with the speed at which she is recovering, I think that is more wishful than reality.   i received both compliments about my dress as well as my ability to speak before the congregation.  My little frog was right there with me but then he is a permanent resident in my voice.  Some days worse than others and I never know until I start speaking.  Maybe I need a frog exorcism.  Oh our church doesn’t do that.  Shucks.   well the humidity is coming back today along with possible rain and warmer weather.   I guess a lot of you are getting hit with smoke from Canada again this year. I recall last year you could see and smell it here.  It a shame to loose so many trees when we need them for climate control.  I was surprised to learn the South Carolina was the largest producer of wood in the states. We have a great deal of wet and swamp land that the plant and harvest and plant again.  While some makes it to the mills to become construction material, mose goes to one of several paper mills.  Those trees are clear cut and trucked to the mills to be cleaned mulched and processed along with recycled paper.the closest mill to here makes brown board which become packaging material like corrugated cardboard.   i guess we have rather ideal conditions for southern pine tree growing.  That along with cotton, rice indigo, tobacco and cash food crops fruits and vegitables and pecans, can’t forget the nuts.  You can take that more than one way and be right.   enjoy you day whether at work or at play.   Willow
    • Heather Shay
      Have you set any summer plans yet?
    • MirandaB
      I wasn't really aware of an emotional roller coaster possiblity when I started.    A few days in I realized i had been living with some tension that I was able to ignore until it went away. One morning it was just 'why I do I feel better than usual'?   So I googled around and found that it was possible to have such a result, I was thinking it would just take time for physical effects to work on my emotions.   Some talk about finally being able to cry, I have always been an excellent crier, so on HRT I cry REALLY hard.   But laughing was never really that easy for me, and now I laugh out loud way more often. Love that part of the roller coaster. 
    • Heather Shay
      Met dear friend felt in heaven.
    • Heather Shay
      Satisfaction Satisfaction. The feeling when something meets or exceeds your expectation. You feel satisfaction when you expected to get something, and then got it.
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • Lydia_R
      Well, for me, on day one is was like, wow, I feel more relaxed.  Then every day after that was more of the same.  YMMV.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Groupings are easy for news material.  And in many nations, we live in a society that doesn't read in-depth.  There are always a few members of any group that can give it a bad name.  Pedophile priests undermined trust in the Catholic Church.  NAMBLA taints the reputation of LGBTQ+ folks....although since this thread is about Australia, I'm not sure it is very relevant.    Is it ignorance?  Perhaps.  But I think what is often labeled as ignorance is really just a different interpretation of the same facts, and different weight placed on portions of the evidence.  We also live in a time when satire and criticism aren't particularly acceptable or understood by all.   https://nypost.com/2023/06/24/drag-marchers-spark-outrage-with-chant-at-nyc-pride-event-were-here-were-queer-and-were-coming-for-your-children/   ^^^ This was meant sort of tongue-in-cheek, but wasn't helpful.    Like it or not, to many people this is "confirmation" of beliefs, not humor.  And in an era where language is changing and people often get confrontational and angry about minor aspects of language, it seems absurd to believe that there wouldn't be some sort of backlash over trying to label pedophiles as "Minor Attracted Persons."    While I don't agree with the idea that "LGBTQ = pedophile" I can understand how folks might think that was the case.   
    • Lydia_R
      Hello @FelixThePickleMan!  I second this breaking the cycle idea.  And the idea of getting some help to do it.  I was pushed into a treatment program in high school for marijuana addiction and because I went into it with an open mind, I was able to break the cycle by latching onto some of the literature.  It didn't keep me sober for the rest of my life, but helped a ton and was the only time I went through treatment.   I found marijuana to be fun and productive when practicing music.  At least for a while.  I can't imagine my life without the influence of it, but it would have been better to give it up a little sooner.  Drinking in the military was terrible for me, but it was good to be off of the marijuana during that time.  I didn't start drinking until I was about a year into the military.  I was trying really hard to avoid that, but there are a lot of people drinking in the military.  Be careful and love yourself!  Enjoy the journey too.   Smoking is bad for the lungs and will constrict your arteries as you get older.  It's best to put some limits on these things!  It's hard work, but worth the effort!  I found myself avoiding recovery meetings and doing recovery on my own for decades only to find myself going to meetings to enjoy being with others when I was older.  LOL!  Silly humans....   Hugs, Lydia
    • JessicaMW
      Starting HRT this week (the estradiol patches were out of stock at my pharmacy last week). It's obviously a big first step in my transition and one that has been long delayed by my initially unaccepting wife (who now has dropped her opposition). My biggest initial apprehension is the much talked about emotional roller coaster in the next few months. Something that my endocrinologist also mentioned as a possibility (probability??). How troublesome will it likely be? Will this be me soon:  
    • VickySGV
      I am not going to laugh at this one although I want to.  We have had some school districts here in California try the same shenanigan against our state laws. (Same result as in this case, State law supervenes local law.    I have an idea though, put skates on the county honcho and make him race against all the women in the organization doing the suing there.  I think most of the Cis women would beat the liver out of him, now what is fair?   
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.wbtw.com/news/grand-strand/horry-county/lgbtq-community-reacts-to-sc-approval-banning-gender-affirming-care-for-transgender-minors/     If not struck down by the courts this bill will hurt trans kids.  And that bit about "don't worry, you can transition when you're an adult?"  Don't believe that for a minute; come next session, adult trans health care will be targeted.   Carolyn Marie
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...