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One Liners


Guest Amadeus

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Guest Amadeus

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts was discovered recently in Egypt; it is believed to be the Pharoah Roche.

Right. Give us some of your best one-liners!

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I ran into my old girlfriend on the street today, so I backed up and ran into her again! Jeff Ross

Everyone likes bananas because they have such a peel.

I went to the doctor and he gave me six months to live so I went to another doctor and he gave me six months to live, I am up to a year now and I have appointments with seven more doctors.

They say that a camera adds ten pounds, from my experience they add closer to thirty when you are carrying all of the lenses.

Hello darkness my old friend, I forgot to pay my bill again....

Love ya,

Sally

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Not sure if this will classify as a one liner, but it is a good question.

Why do we PARK in a driveway, but DRIVE on a parkway?

If con is the opposite of pro, does that mean that CONgress is the opposite of PROgress?

Now, While Gallagher DID use these in his comedy routine, they are older than his career, so I think they are useable. I had even used them before I had ever even heard of him. Great comedian though.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Sarah21

I went to the hairdresser and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise. So the barber puts a cushion on my seat.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

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  • Admin

:Crylol: You asked that just for the halibut!!

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Two blondes walk into a bar, you would have thought the second one would have ducked.

Alert musician jokes to follow:

What dies it mean when a trombone player is on your porch - your pizza is here!

Where does a drummer store his cymbals - a pawn shop.

What do you call a Bass player without a girlfriend - homeless.

Lizzie, I don't know any fish puns but I do know that Pollock jokes give me a Haddock.

Do all pilot fish have to go to school?

I am the flower of my family, a bloomin' idiot.

What exactly is a Jumbo Shrimp, it has to be one or the other. - George Carlin

Love ya,

Sally

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Guest Kaylee234

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I’ll never know.

~ Kay

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While I may have the SOLE of a comedian, I think I will avoid fish jokes, I will likely just FLOUNDER.

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  • 4 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Kontessa

Have you herd about the peson who hiked a mile - and only moved to feet?

HAVE FUN and many hugs and best wishes to all!!!

Kontessa

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Guest Kontessa

Have heard about the person that read in the paper that 80% of auto accidents occur within 15 miles of home - so thus he moved!

Have a happy day and many hugs and wishes to all!!!

Kontessa

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Guest Kontessa

Old real estate brokers never die - they just become listless!

Old bankers never die - they just lose interest!

Old lawyers never die - they just become briefless!

Old doctors never die - they lose their patients!

And, old gofers never die - the just lose their ball.

Have a nice day and many hugs and best wishes to all

Kontessa

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Guest DianeATL

Musician theme continued

How do you silence a classical musician - take the sheet music away

How do you silence a jazz musician - put sheet music in front of them

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  • Posts

    • Lydia_R
      Well, for me, on day one is was like, wow, I feel more relaxed.  Then every day after that was more of the same.  YMMV.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Groupings are easy for news material.  And in many nations, we live in a society that doesn't read in-depth.  There are always a few members of any group that can give it a bad name.  Pedophile priests undermined trust in the Catholic Church.  NAMBLA taints the reputation of LGBTQ+ folks....although since this thread is about Australia, I'm not sure it is very relevant.    Is it ignorance?  Perhaps.  But I think what is often labeled as ignorance is really just a different interpretation of the same facts, and different weight placed on portions of the evidence.  We also live in a time when satire and criticism aren't particularly acceptable or understood by all.   https://nypost.com/2023/06/24/drag-marchers-spark-outrage-with-chant-at-nyc-pride-event-were-here-were-queer-and-were-coming-for-your-children/   ^^^ This was meant sort of tongue-in-cheek, but wasn't helpful.    Like it or not, to many people this is "confirmation" of beliefs, not humor.  And in an era where language is changing and people often get confrontational and angry about minor aspects of language, it seems absurd to believe that there wouldn't be some sort of backlash over trying to label pedophiles as "Minor Attracted Persons."    While I don't agree with the idea that "LGBTQ = pedophile" I can understand how folks might think that was the case.   
    • Lydia_R
      Hello @FelixThePickleMan!  I second this breaking the cycle idea.  And the idea of getting some help to do it.  I was pushed into a treatment program in high school for marijuana addiction and because I went into it with an open mind, I was able to break the cycle by latching onto some of the literature.  It didn't keep me sober for the rest of my life, but helped a ton and was the only time I went through treatment.   I found marijuana to be fun and productive when practicing music.  At least for a while.  I can't imagine my life without the influence of it, but it would have been better to give it up a little sooner.  Drinking in the military was terrible for me, but it was good to be off of the marijuana during that time.  I didn't start drinking until I was about a year into the military.  I was trying really hard to avoid that, but there are a lot of people drinking in the military.  Be careful and love yourself!  Enjoy the journey too.   Smoking is bad for the lungs and will constrict your arteries as you get older.  It's best to put some limits on these things!  It's hard work, but worth the effort!  I found myself avoiding recovery meetings and doing recovery on my own for decades only to find myself going to meetings to enjoy being with others when I was older.  LOL!  Silly humans....   Hugs, Lydia
    • JessicaMW
      Starting HRT this week (the estradiol patches were out of stock at my pharmacy last week). It's obviously a big first step in my transition and one that has been long delayed by my initially unaccepting wife (who now has dropped her opposition). My biggest initial apprehension is the much talked about emotional roller coaster in the next few months. Something that my endocrinologist also mentioned as a possibility (probability??). How troublesome will it likely be? Will this be me soon:  
    • VickySGV
      I am not going to laugh at this one although I want to.  We have had some school districts here in California try the same shenanigan against our state laws. (Same result as in this case, State law supervenes local law.    I have an idea though, put skates on the county honcho and make him race against all the women in the organization doing the suing there.  I think most of the Cis women would beat the liver out of him, now what is fair?   
    • Carolyn Marie
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    • Carolyn Marie
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    • VickySGV
      PM any or several of the Moderators or Administrators if you want to have something changed due to spelling errors, or if you simply want to have an entire post deleted.  We do not allow members to edit their own posts since there are some items we restrict from being posted.  Those things are in the Community Rules and if a Staff member has removed something because of the rules we do not want it coming back.  https://www.transgenderpulse.com/community-rules/   Use the PM system to contact us and include a link to the post you want changed.
    • Ashley0616
      you're welcome. I tagged one for you and hopefully will respond soon.
    • Ladypcnj
      Oh okay, thanks Ashley 
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
      No only moderators and admin can edit and delete posts.
    • Ashley0616
      Do I ever feel? There isn't a single minute that goes by that I feel that way. I have such a strong hate for what I have that there isn't a word out there for it.
    • Ladypcnj
      Are members allowed to edit or delete their post? I can't delete or remove my post if there are misspelled words.
    • Ashley0616
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