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One Liners


Guest Amadeus

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Guest Amadeus

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts was discovered recently in Egypt; it is believed to be the Pharoah Roche.

Right. Give us some of your best one-liners!

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I ran into my old girlfriend on the street today, so I backed up and ran into her again! Jeff Ross

Everyone likes bananas because they have such a peel.

I went to the doctor and he gave me six months to live so I went to another doctor and he gave me six months to live, I am up to a year now and I have appointments with seven more doctors.

They say that a camera adds ten pounds, from my experience they add closer to thirty when you are carrying all of the lenses.

Hello darkness my old friend, I forgot to pay my bill again....

Love ya,

Sally

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Not sure if this will classify as a one liner, but it is a good question.

Why do we PARK in a driveway, but DRIVE on a parkway?

If con is the opposite of pro, does that mean that CONgress is the opposite of PROgress?

Now, While Gallagher DID use these in his comedy routine, they are older than his career, so I think they are useable. I had even used them before I had ever even heard of him. Great comedian though.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Sarah21

I went to the hairdresser and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise. So the barber puts a cushion on my seat.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

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  • Admin

:Crylol: You asked that just for the halibut!!

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Two blondes walk into a bar, you would have thought the second one would have ducked.

Alert musician jokes to follow:

What dies it mean when a trombone player is on your porch - your pizza is here!

Where does a drummer store his cymbals - a pawn shop.

What do you call a Bass player without a girlfriend - homeless.

Lizzie, I don't know any fish puns but I do know that Pollock jokes give me a Haddock.

Do all pilot fish have to go to school?

I am the flower of my family, a bloomin' idiot.

What exactly is a Jumbo Shrimp, it has to be one or the other. - George Carlin

Love ya,

Sally

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Guest Kaylee234

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I’ll never know.

~ Kay

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While I may have the SOLE of a comedian, I think I will avoid fish jokes, I will likely just FLOUNDER.

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  • 4 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Kontessa

Have you herd about the peson who hiked a mile - and only moved to feet?

HAVE FUN and many hugs and best wishes to all!!!

Kontessa

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Guest Kontessa

Have heard about the person that read in the paper that 80% of auto accidents occur within 15 miles of home - so thus he moved!

Have a happy day and many hugs and wishes to all!!!

Kontessa

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Guest Kontessa

Old real estate brokers never die - they just become listless!

Old bankers never die - they just lose interest!

Old lawyers never die - they just become briefless!

Old doctors never die - they lose their patients!

And, old gofers never die - the just lose their ball.

Have a nice day and many hugs and best wishes to all

Kontessa

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Guest DianeATL

Musician theme continued

How do you silence a classical musician - take the sheet music away

How do you silence a jazz musician - put sheet music in front of them

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    • Ivy
    • Ivy
      They cut a lot of trees here as well.  A lot of them toward the coast end up chipped up and sent to Europe to burn in power plants.  That bothers me, seems like a dumb idea.
    • Ivy
      Most likely.   Unfortunately this was expected.  I expect it will be the norm in any GOP controlled state that hasn't already done it.  So much effort expended against so few.  I certainly haven't seen my area being overrun by trans kids.   And yeah, I fully expect them to go after my HRT next. I think those that are railing against us are much more dangerous than some non-binary high school sophomore.
    • April Marie
      Her name is Sunny and she is so much fun. But, as you said @KymmieL, it is a challenge with a new puppy. Thankfully our 13 year old Lab is taking the addition in stride and being supremely tolerant.  
    • Ivy
      It should be the league's business whether it allows trans women to play, not the park's.   (They seem to be inclusive - good on them)
    • Mirrabooka
      Sticking my neck out here, but that's what I see the RWNJ's doing all the time! They always need someone or something to "fight". Everything is a contest to them; there's always a battle to be had, an opponent to defeat, a dragon to slay, then another, and another.    *Sigh* if only they'd put their energy into working with people instead of against them.
    • Charlize
      I think i became much more emotional overall.  Perhaps because use a topical E i haven't had the swings that some folks feel but i can laugh  and cry so much easier, sometimes over situations i would never have seen before.  Perhaps my age has something to do with it, but i am also much more peaceful and accepting of the storm life keeps presenting.   Hugs,   Charlize 
    • Mirrabooka
      I think the interpretation of the question is always going to provide a wide array of answers. Do I have a rich inner life? Yes! Why? Good question!   Circumstances often dictate how we feel within ourselves. I don't have to deal with work anymore and we've been jus' cruzin ever since. I don't have to fix anything, literal or otherwise. My wife and I live a relatively simple life and we are true partners, but deep inside, I'm not answerable to anyone except myself. So, how's that going? Well, since I came out to myself, which happened before I stopped working, I have felt an inner glow that was never apparent before. It is permanent now and it sustains me. How? Effed if I know! All I know is that even if I have down days, and there certainly have been a few, my heart, mind and soul are still smiling. I think it comes from a realization that I am finally happy just to be me.     
    • Charlize
      I had to look this acronym up.  That certainly has never been part of the LGBTQ community!  Politicians simply attempt to use peoples disgust to create the hate or fear they can "fight" against to win support and power.   Hugs,   Charlize
    • KymmieL
      Congrats, @April Marie on your new fur kid. As the mom to a 1 yr old fur kid. I know what you are going through. LOL.   Back to work after a good weekend. I hope that work doesn't drag my good weekend down. However, I believe it is wishful thinking. I will do the best that I can, if that is not enough. They can jump in a fing lake.   I have another week until my therapist appointment. So I hope I can make it. it seems my depression is getting worse. Can it, is there something lower that major?  Especially when dealing with work. So, I know I have to get out of there. I have put in for the parts at the local GM. Probably, be like Ford. OH, well nothing ventured nothing gained.      Hope everyone has a good day. Hugs, Kymmie  
    • Charlize
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      Yay!!! 😀 What's her name?
    • Mirrabooka
      Yep, I can see that too, especially if satire goes wrong.  I can totally understand why the uneducated hoi polloi think that gender identity and sexual preference (and now, pedophilia) are one and the same, and it weaponizes their bigotry. I touched on this in another thread recently when I asked the question whether the LGBTQIA+ umbrella was actually too inclusive and should be split, in an attempt to stop this sort of nonsense. I don't know the answer; while I think it is important for non-cis and non-het folk to band together, it leaves us wide open to attack.
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    • April Marie
      New puppy. New schedule for now.
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