Something is wrong with me i think

[Sakura]

I have been in a wierd mood lately. I am having trouble pinning it down exactly . pensive i guess ? i am not depressed at least i don't think i am. Sad or mournful for something that i can't put my finger on and developing a very bleak out look on my own future in general. i am starting to feel like i did before transition, like i am simply exsisting , days blend into others , with no real point to any of it anymore. possible pre mid life crisis ?

I have been in transition for the better part of a decade , and on hrt even longer, when i began this i knew exactly what i was doing and where i wanted to go with it. now...... i can barely see beyond tomorrow.

I think another issue is the just sheer amount of stress i am under. money family issues being almost broke almost all the time. and working a job i comepletly --Censored-- hate. and now this question of " what the hell am i going to do with my life ? "

right now though, my job is thee biggest issue. in that every morning when i get ready for work. i feel like i am preparing for battle. For some reason my lead and department supervisor have made it thier life mission to make my life a living hell. They look for any reason to harp on me . for thee nitpickiest of things. the only feeling of saticfaction that i get. is knowing that they are to stupid to out smart me, When they think they are going to burn me . i flip it around show them that i am right and then make them look like a grade A arse. a few days ago . in one of thier attemps to pick on me it ended up dragging our plant manager into the fray....... and i ended up in a screaming match with the guy who runs the facility. he was fed missinformation by them . so not only did i make them look stupid infront of him. i made him look like an donkey for repermanding me on accusations that were totaly fabricated by said lead and supervisor. i am just becoming so weary of it, fatiuged mentally and physically. a hard crappy job made even harder by great big helpings of BS.

my temper has been getting shorter all around. not just at work but in my home life too when i start yelling at my Hubby and mom for almost no reason. it is time to admit i have a problem. and begin trying to help my self get out of this funk. how though. i have no idea yet. working 12 hours a day 4-5 days a week on a rotating schedule. makes going to school a ni impossibility. though at this rate i will be fired soon . in which case i will draw unemployment and go back to school.

i have a million things more i could rant about. but i will end it there. Before it becomes rambling i just need to get my head and my back side going in the same direction. i have physically transitioned..... now i need my life to transition as well.uhg i feel i got my work seriously cut out for me.

Sakura

[Guest Sarah Faith]

That does sound like a tough situation Sakura, and I'm sorry to hear that things are kind of rough for you right now. The irritability is probably being caused by the stress, I doubt that there is anything wrong with you beyond being stressed out with your work. Though there is also such a thing as a Quarter Life Crisis which hits people in their mid to late 20s, I know it hit me when I was around 23 or 24, I became obsessed over the fact that I was already in my 20s and my life was going absolutely nowhere the whole concept of mortality hit me in the face like a brick wall.

It took me a few months but I did get over it, but the only way that I really was able to get passed it was to start making positive changes in my life. Like coming out to my family, seeing a therapist starting the long long process of losing weight at 350 pounds. I'm heading back to school my self soon, I just want to get my own life to a place of normalcy.. whatever that is.

It sounds to me as though you are at a place where your work is not fulfilling to you at this point, that you are just going through the motions with it because that is what you have done before. There is nothing wrong with shooting for something greater then where we currently are if we are willing to put the work into it.

Either way I don't think there is anything wrong with you, I just think your subconscious is trying to kick you out of the rut you seem to have fallen into with your life. If school is something you would like to do, and its an option maybe that is what you should do.

Hugs,

Sarah

[Charlize]

Sakura

I'm sorry for your funk and completely see how difficult it is for you at work. I have been fortunate to be self employed until i retired to work the farm and paint. It is difficult enough to do the work we must do without dealing with what sounds like abuse. I might suggest seeing a therapist if your medical plan will cover it. Sometimes talking to someone who is removed but sympathetic can help. I'm glad you posted here and i only wish i had a better solution for what seems so miserable. It certainly seems the problem doesn't emanate from you. Circumstances can try any of us. Perhaps if you can understand that it is the heap placed on you at work that is causing you pain you will be better able to control your feelings at home.

Hugs and a shoulder,

Charlie

[Cyndee]

Hugs hon, how to even begin to answer someone that has been doing this for years ahead of myself, I guess I'll try. I've felt like this somedays, one day blurring into the next, feeling like I'm getting nowhere, it makes me cry. Social life transition, I don't think it ever ends, you can't allow the actions of these fools at work to drag you down, you can't. What seems to help for me is taking inventory of what's right, instead of what's wrong, I know that probably sounds simplistic, but it does work for me, I force myself to think of the positive things in my life, I am not deluding myself that negative issues don't exist, it's just helps cope with them mentally when I have an inventory of things that are good, it's like an energy bank, I can restock, that helps weather the storms, and there are lot's of them. Writing about these feelings here on the forums also help, that's why I still come back, it's great to bounce this off someone online. I hope your life finds some calm Sakura, you have your youth, don't ever underestimate the value of time, I guess that's coming from an older 50's something. Maybe it's time to shop around for another job, take action, do something good for yourself too, buy yourself and your hubby a treat, savor the moments with him. Enjoy the simple things, and remember them, for they can give you strength, when it's needed.

Cindy -

[Guest]

I also hate being treated like that on a job, it will so wear me down fast. If you think it is getting personal, maybe start documenting it. Even if you never use the information as a defense, it may very well help you get it out of your head. A lot of times that lets me put my game face back on the next day. I hope they soon show themselves as the boobs they are and you can get back to harmony. Hug. JodyAnn

[Sakura]

The thing that irks me is that they are trying to make me both look and my self feel like i am a bad employee. There real problem is not with me. it is with a mechanic at work. great guy funny as all hell . and i enjoy talking to him. for what ever reason my department supervisor HATES him with a passion. but she can not do anything to him. as the mechanics have thier own boss , so she focuses on me. citing that me talking to him is bringing me down as an employee. he is a distraction. yadda yadda. she will pull my effenciency for the week and point at days when i did 170% vs days when i only did 70% . and she knows damn well the reasons for those 70% days. on those jobs employees with 15-20 years experience would not have made out much better. The thing is she thinks i know so little about my job that she can scare me with the numbers but i know the numbers better than she does and i think what has really geared her focus on me, is . every one in that department is afraid of her . i think she likes it that way, when she barks most of the women listen. I on the other hand am not intimidated nor am i afraid of her. she is a bully......... and my life has been built on beating bullies. and over coming obsticals much bigger and more terrorfiying than her. but as i said even though she is no challenge to me. ( more like an annoying itch i can not seem to scratch ) i am growing tired of it.

You are right sarah. Lately i have been thinking of my own mortality and utter lack of fullfilment in my life. I am not afraid to die. I accept that one day i will be dieing. The thing that bothers , and seems to be bothering me more and more as time goes on. is the lack of ability to procreate. Ones children are the only way one really lives on after they are dead. children bring a sence of purpose and meaning to your life , and are the ones that remember you after you are gone. when i die it will be the end of me and nothing i have done will have mattered at all. My sisters seem to be kicking out kids left and right . and then with the rumor going around at work that i was pregnant. it just all makes it sting a little more i guess. There is nothing i can do about it either. i am sterial * 15 years of early teen hrt* and adoption is just not a viable option for me , one is it is expensive , on par with srs , and 2 i love kids but i want kids that are of my own body.

Your advice is valid cynthia. my time in this is just a number. it makes me no better than any one else.or above advice actually as time marches on i seem to need it more and more. I try and take stock of what is good in my life. but really lately it seems as though the cosmos have opened up and pointed its finger at me. things are falling apart with my family and i am to far away to help them. things finacially are beging to fall apart with my own relationship which is putting a major strain on me and anthony. even though i work my derrierre off. i still can't seem to salvage that or get a head , all of my favorite hobbies cost money that i don't have. I do have a therapist. and thankfully when i do not have the money she sees me free of charge. even she is starting to be come worried about me . but she thinks going back to school is the best option for me. I was thinking of becoming an RN i could get it with in 3 years if i really applied my self. and once i have a goal something to drive me i have the determination of a pittbull to stay locked onto it to the end. the only thing that stops me is my work schedule 7 Am to 7 Pm threw the week days one month then change over and work the week ends the next month. i have looked at the RN classes. they are not flexible at all. but i also can not do this with out a job as i have a morgage payment. i have been looking for a job that is 8 or 10 hours with a fixed shift, but it seems that many places that i am qualified to work or pays enough to keep me in my house are all going to 12 hour shifts.

I don't know what i am doing . but what ever i am going to do . i need to do it soon. it is the first time in a very long time i have felt so hopeless

Sakura

[Guest Sarah Faith]

I understand how you feel Sakura, I would love to have my own kids as well especially because I keep having dreams now and then about it and it always makes me a little depressed to know that chances are that ship has already sailed for me.. But I am comforted a little by the fact that they are able to turn skincells to stemcells to sperm or eggs in a lab setting, and while it probably a number of years from ever seeing practical application I think that knowing that such a thing is possible and within our lifetimes should give some hope.

Hugs,

Sarah

[Cyndee]

RN sounds great Sakura, go for it, the demand is not going away.

Sounds like that woman at work may have spotted you having too much fun in conversations with your male co-worker. Having a good time with him has triggered a catty response in her, she may have even made it a cause within herself to inflict grief towards you because of it, I can only imagine

I can also relate to having issues with remote family, it's tough when you can't reach them, things out of my control, and being here is not helping.

Kids are great, I've done the parenting gig for over 22 years now, whew, I would have loved to have had a chance to nurse them, oh well dreams...

Yeah treat yourself and your hubby to something nice, not expensive thing, just a feel good thing.

Hugs

Cynthia -

[Sakura]

things have gotten a little better for me. i think in making the plant manager look bad. he has said something to my lead and my supervisor. or at least i think he did, their temprament toward me has changed dramatically. dare i even say .... nice to me ? though thier smiles are threw clenched teeth. lol . I love the smell of victory in the morning .

But now something odd has happened with my coworkers they seem both in awe and afraid of me at the same time. and now complain about every aspect of thier job to me, i mean complain much more than usual. and then it dawned on me. They have now realized i am not just another sheep like them. i am not afraid to say what i think , i do not just put up with the BS they try an pull on the others . One of my work friends she says to me " you got more testicles than most men that i know " lol . irony is not with out a sense of humor i see.

[Cyndee]

Good for you Sakura