Fending off advances

[Guest DianeATL]

Since I did not grow up in a dress, my mom never taught me how to politely but firmly fend off unwanted advances so any tips you can share would be great. I am flattered to get attention, don't get me wrong.

Last night I walked into a bar (gay, lesbian, straight, with drag show) and this guy sees me and speaks to me right away as I pass him. I sat down at the bar and he pulled up a stool right next to me talk to me, obviously very interested. He wasn't Prince Charming but not Ewww either, a pretty average or better guy so i didn't mind talking to him.

But he was just coming on way too fast. He turned his legs so he was facing me and sort of positioned my bar stool between his knees. He complimented me on my legs then had his hand on the bar hovering very close to putting it on my thigh, He was just invading my space too quickly but not quick enough to warrant a slap.

I kept giving him body language that said back off, turning my knees away from him and stuff. At one point the female bartender kind of noticed I think and asked me if I was doing OK. I said yes but tried to say save me with my eyes.

Finally he took the hint and disappeared but I realized I am not equipped to handle aggressive advances. Any tips or advice? I don't want to make a scene or send a guy down in flames, been there too many times myself. But I am searching for some clever ways to say, not so fast big fella.

[VickySGV]

Welcome to world of the Admirer of TG women (IRL I use a term that will be censored by the word filter here). Brute force of personality is my defensive weapon, but that is not always a sure thing. "You are getting too damn close, back off varmint !!". "I came in here looking for company, NOT SEX!!" Happily, I have not encountered the type outside of GLBT bars. Admirers are pretty distinctive in approach, especially with a couple of drinks in them. My strategy backfired slightly one night, with a guy who took the approach that he would soften me up with booze, and kept buying me drinks, which I was not drinking, but he was not letting the drink go to waste. Luckily the security staff was helpful, found his sober friend in the mob to take him ___???

In the admirer's defense, there are TG's who like this kind of attention and it is wonderful when the two types can be happy together. As I said, in ordinary places, being confident of myself is the best counter attack. I never have problems where booze is not involved.

[Cyndee]

Dealing with drunks, uggg, body language speaks a lot, but a drunk may not get it, if that does'nt work, then it's time to politely excuse yourself to go to the ladies room.

[Charlize]

I had a wonderful MTF friend who had been an instructor in the special forces. When i asked her your question she said that she simply nodded to the bartender and mouthed the words" help me". Problem solved, she didn't have to kill the admirer.

i wear a wedding ring and that helps. What you experienced is the reason many women do not enter a bar or even shop without a friend. Be careful where you go. Guys are running with a different agenda sometimes.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Maria_B]

The one time I've had this happen while my friends were not there (They were in the restroom, and I was on purse duty, but usually I always have friends with me. Safety in numbers!) I stopped it quick with

''You seem nice, but I am sooooo beyond not interested, sorry''.

Bit strong, but it gives him something to reflect upon.

This was late night on a party coast, so drunk and disorderly people were everywhere, >_>. We all got a few passes that night. But the Karaoke was fun? (sp?)

[Guest DianeATL]

Thanks for all of the input. I told one of my TG friends about it today and she chastised me for going out alone. So I guess I need to hurry up and get more friends.

To the guy's credit, he wasn't drunk, did not even drink so at least he was not sloppy. His laser guidance system just locked in on me and like Goose and Maverick, I was having trouble shaking it when he had tone.

I was about to do the "help me" lip sync to the female bartender if it escalated but thankfully my body language was polite but slamming the door.

So much to learn.

[Guest nomnomnom]

Coulsnt you just say "sorry, I'm taken"??

[Guest Bellexia]

Step 1. Tell them that you are not interested.

Step 2. If necessary tell them to shove off.

Step 3. ?????

Step 4. Profit!

This isn't something only girls learn, it's just common sense.

[Guest DianeATL]

All great feedback. As I reflect on why I didn't do more of the things you suggested, I think that my voice has a lot to do with it. I am going to start working on it but now that I am becoming a little more feminine looking, I am extremely self conscious of my voice. I try to talk to strangers (bartenders, cashiers, etc) as little as possible and for now just speak quietly almost in a whisper. I know i should have just boomed out a good male voice in this situation, but it has helped me identify one more thing to work on if I have hopes of moving forward. I am looking forward to the free voice seminar that is coming up to give me some ideas to start pursuing.