Having a hard time going full time

[Guest AliceHakurei]

I think I'm progressing rather well in my transition. It's been 3/4 of a year since I started hormones, and it's almost been 2 years since I came out as trans. I'm out to my family, and they are pretty accepting, even if they don't fully understand me. I guess the main thing I've neglected up to this point is my voice, and I'm really self-consicous about it. I naturally have a relatively high voice for a transwoman, which is good, but I don't I can pass off as female yet in terms of voice. I did get Ma'am'd once on the phone though... though it kind of kills it when I have to mention my legal name. That's no fun. Anyway, I've tried presenting as a girl several times, and I feel like I'm flying blind each time. I'm as nervous as I've ever been, half expecting someone to call me a freak or a f** and women's bathrooms still make me nervous. Don't get me wrong. Men's bathrooms are ten times worse. I guess, what I'm saying is, I just don't have the courage to start my real life test. I just don't have the courage to go out alone in a dress, even in a safe neighborhood. I also have an irrational phobia of men, so that might have something to do with it. I have a burning desire to start living as a girl, because that's who I am, and I've had it with this fake identity, but I just can't get going. I guess I'm kind of in dire need of help.

[Paula ult]

You need to build up your self confidence, go to a local mall and observe what women your age wear, how they interact, talk, movements etc, women don't always wear dresses and high heels, What i did was go to the grocery store once a week in another neighborhood so there was less chance of seeing someone i knew, i dressed to blend in, very few women wear dresses to go grocery shopping unless they just came from work, i did this weekly, eventually i started going other places and before i knew it i went everywhere, most people are so wrapped up in their own lives to notice much of what's going on around them.

Paula

[Guest DianeATL]

Alice - no doubt it is scary as all get out, I understand. You feel like you are under a microscope and everyone is looking to shoot you down, The truth is they aren't. Unfortunately, most people are so self absorbed to even notice, much less care that there is a trans person in their midst. What has helped me immensely in my real life experiences is to focus on what I am doing and just block everyone else out. If I am shopping I am looking at my potential purchases and not looking around and making eye contact with others around me. I am sure that sometime I will meet the rare ahat who wants to call me out and make a big deal but really they are rare. In my limited experience, if I pay attention to my tasks, no one pays me any attention. Now when I have an up close and lengthy encounter like paying for a purchase, the cashier may make me but they have never done anything but smile politely.

There are two sayings I think you should keep in mind, first, Fake it till you Make it. Have an attitude of I am a powerful woman and nobody will challenge it. The second quote is We have nothing to fear, but fear itself, meaning that our anxiety about what could happen or might happen is usually 10 times worse than anything we actually encounter.

I am not making light of your situation, I know I often have to take a deep breath before I step out but once I do, it is on.

There is no substitute for experience, you just have to do it.

Hugs,

Diane

[Guest Sabrinaxx]

There were always two things I feared most in transitioning; surgery and the RLT. The night and morning before I went out presenting as a female for the first time I was nervous to death. Even though the nerves disappeared the moment I walked out the door, there were still some worries every time I went out the door as me. What worked for me was building up the amount of going out as a girl from every once in a while to five days a week when I started my study and 100% two weeks after I started HRT. Now I'm very comfortable going out the way I do.

How did people react when you presented as a girl? The 3/4 of a year of HRT must have done some good work. Try to feel confident, you are more likely to draw attention with your head down. You went out presenting as a girl before, so you can do this!

As of men, I have the same thing. I just feel very awkward when I'm around any guy that is a stranger to me. It will probably get better in time.

[Guest Laura T.]

Well if you want advice,

I have so far been out as Laura on 4 main occasions,

I first went out at night with my two friends to the Game Works at the mall, it’s really helpful to have a female friend AND a big male friend to protect you, both my friends knows about Laura and supports me. The outing was short but fun,

The second time was a weeklong convention in Anaheim

I didn't exactly dress up or put makeup on, I was cosplaying as a girl character from a show, it was fun, I got to wear a skirt and really girly school girl like clothes, it was a great experience as I did a lot of it without support from friends most of the days, the parties every night were awesome, I only had to kick a guy in the face once for trying to pull my skirt down, jerks,

The third time I went out as Laura was a week before my fist date, the fourth time.

the third time me and my friends went shopping in the day time to the Mall where we walked around ate lunch and went to Game Works and played so much games, ordering a drink would have been embarrassing if I actually suffered from embarrassment, I don't, but I could tell the bartender and waitress were kind of like @.@ looking at me, but it was all about having new experiences so it was worth it.

The forth and most recent time I went out as Laura was on a DATE! It was amazing. I met the man in front of the movie theater and we went to see a movie. here's a tip, NEVER see a kids film like despicable me 2 on a first date on the movies premiere in the most popular mall in town, there wasn't any privacy! Later that night we walked around the shops and sat near a water fountain and talked all about life and stuff. It was amazing but I haven't had a second date since.

I am not on hormones and I suppose I pass? Going full time will be difficult for me as well but I keep getting mad and asking "WHY DO I HAVE TO BE FULL TIME?!?!?"

I don’t see why I have to be full time, living and acting like a generic woman just so I can get hormones from a doctor,

My issues are not gender, I know I’m a woman, or at least I’m comfortable with how I live my life now, I just have issues with my body, I feel like I have the wrong body! It’s not who I am and it's not what I want to be seen as. I also don't want my body to determine who or what I am, I just want to be comfortable and have the space to explore myself, but I’m almost certain no doctor will believe me or prescribe me hormones.

So, I’m interested to see how things work out for you maybe hear about your rationale behind wanting to transition, also I’m interested in knowing how your hormones are going.

[Guest]

Hi Alice,

I started out by going out to support group meetings at night. I was doing this for perhaps two years before I started hormones. During that time, I had a few forays into daylight, again safe places: Pride festivals, other places at a distance from home. I'm not suggesting that a person take two years to transition - my reasons for delay were related to family and work. But, it did take me a long time to gain the required self-confidence.

It was my good fortune to meet another transwoman about the time I was considering transition - and she led me to full time with a simple idea: be yourself just like everyone else, and don't be concerned with anyone's reactions. And, it worked well for me - I let the world fall into soft-focus where other's reactions were off my radar, where I could meet anyone with a smile. That turned quickly into self-confidence as I discovered how easy it is.

It just takes that attitude for a few times - a bit of affirmation - and after that - all becomes normal.

Best of luck to you!

Love, Megan

[Guest Carla_Davis]

I was going to mention what MeganRose did.

TG Support Groups are excellent places to meet friends and build confidence.

If you go here, look under California for TG Support Groups near where you live.

http://www.lauras-playground.com/trans_support_groups.htm

Some also often have changing rooms where you can change before the meetings.

The also often hold various TG events where you will feel comfortable as your True Self.

You can also ask the other members about some of your feeling and how they handled it.

You also don't say if you are seeing a Gender Therapist. That would also help.

Most people will not even notice you.

Unfortunately, we are often our worst enemy and when we do something different that everyone is watching.

If you are seeing a GT, ask about a 'Carry Letter". This states that you are under there care and that you are Transitioning to Female.

This should prevent any problems that you think may arise from using the Female Rest Rooms.

If you are confident, no one will challenge you using female restrooms for its intended purpose.

I HAVE NOT changed my voice, but the way I compensate for this is by dressing nice, have a Great Personality and Smile.

You will be surprised at how much that helps you "Pass"

I live in NY and have never been "Outed"

I AM obviously a Trans Woman, yet no one has ever asked me nor have I ever had to tell anyone.

The more you go out, the easier it will become and you will be amazed how it builds your Confidence.

I hope to read some better news about you feeling less nervous in future posts.

Remember, you are not doing anything wrong or illegal.

Hugs,

Carla

[Guest AliceHakurei]

@ Laura T - My hormone treatment is going well. My face shape has definitely changed. My cheeks are fuller, and my face is less boxy. I've also started shaping my eyebrows which helps as well. I'm not really sure if there are any emotional differences yet. Perhaps it's just that I suppressed my emotions until I came out, trying to be 'male', and only recently started acknowledging them, or maybe it's the hormones. Who knows. I think I'm getting curvier as well, especially in the hips, and developing breasts. Probably not going to get much breast growth. My family is all small A-cups.

[Guest Melissa~]

I was dabbling to part time cross-dressing for many years before full time and transition. The best I can say is it takes time and practice to gain confidence, and not every stare is because you have been read.

[Guest nomnomnom]

Its a daunting thought to begin with, but you'll get less and less nerves every time you go out in public. I'd be lying if I said I have zero nerves still, but generally it's barely there... In fact, by the time I was just about full time I probably felt more awkward, as I looked very weird as a male by that point.

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

I tested out full time by spending whole weekends as a girl, from Friday night to Sunday night. In those brief days I would do something as a girl outside of the house and then the next weekend I'd do it all over again, slowly gaining experience. I had no idea what I was doing. I had a rough idea of what I was doing but the rest I was just making it up as I went along and figuring things out.

Eventually one weekend I thought "wouldn't it be awesome if I just spent the next following days as a woman?" and so I tried it. Those couple days ended up becoming a week and before I knew it, it was Friday again and I had spent the whole week as a woman. "Omg that was incredible! Let's try to do another week!" So I stayed how I was for the next week..then the next week...then the next week.

A year and a half later..here I am. Still doing it and haven't switched back to being a man since. Every time I thought about it, I thought "Come on, Liz, you've been doing this for 3 weeks now, you can't just stop now!" and so I didn't stop.

[Charlize]

The process of coming out takes many of us a long time. it certainly did for me. I think i could taste the fear. Many factors came together to help me go full time. I found a girlfriend who was not afraid to go shopping, eat lunch or just hang out with me. She was great and another woman 's acceptance carried me through some scary firsts. I took baby steps. I would take a drive and stop at 4 or 5 stores to buy a piece of candy or other nic nac. Nobody bothered me and i had to confront my fear time after time. Each time was ever so slightly easier. It just took time. Finally i came out to a cis group of people who are in a 12 step program with me. I spoke to over 60 people as myself, being as truthful as i could. The response and love i received was enough to have me get rid of any male clothes within a few months. Oh yes....I nearly forgot. I came to Laura's and found so much support here. WE have your back. Fear is natural but doesn't have to stop you.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest LizMarie]

To Laura T.: You do not need to be full time to get hormone therapy in the United States. In fact, you can take your good old time planning your transition (if you even do transition) while on hormones. The United Kingdom still seems to do things the old way, requiring someone to live as a woman for a year before giving hormones, or at least that's what I've gathered from some other posters. (Any UK citizens feel free to correct me if I've misunderstood!) But in the US, you can get HRT without being full time. In fact, in my own case, both my therapist and my endocrinologist applauded my decision to not go full time until I've done more therapy, more part time living as a female, and allowed HRT to do more of its own work.

[VickySGV]

I know people who have transitioned and never been near HRT, and people who have been on HRT for ages, and never been out the front door as preferred gender. The first bunch are having fun, the second group tell me they are OK, but to me its OK if you say so. It took me about 9 years to go full time, and by the time I did I had been on hormones for over 18 months. I had however been out for two and three + day "field trips" to local Pride events and fairs, and made it to a club that was TG friendly about every six weeks. For too long I made it the requirement that it be a known "TG Friendly" place, but eventually got talked into places that may or may not have been TG Friendly, and had no problems. Full time for me is just daily life.

[Guest Jenn348]

Find a friend who can help.

In my case, my wife was very helpful. She helped me develop a sense of style that is age and situationally appropriate, she helped me improve my voice (I also did some online training), and she was there for moral support and that feeling of group safety for the first few outings.

Having a good female friend is like training wheels