Self Validation, and accepting external validation

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Tonight I was talking to a transgirl who is just starting her transition, She is a bit older than I am and is pre-everything so she is just starting out. I will preface this with the fact that she is not a member of Laura's I have been getting more active in the trans community for my age range lately so I actually met her elsewhere. She and I have been talking about transition and life in general, and she told me today that she wished she felt as comfortable with being a transwoman as I did and as others always claim to.

I told her that to me being a transperson isn't strange subculture or even grand identity to me, I told her that it is nothing more than a medical defect that I am medically treating now. Honestly that is truly how I feel but the fact is that I haven't always felt as comfortable with it as I am now, To me I'm just a girl always have been in my mind and I lived exclusively as female online since I was 15 to the complete detriment of my reallife. The indignity of seeing the reality of the dichotomy between mind and body in the mirror was soul crushing every time I thought about it, and the reality and embarrassment of being transgender was at times unbearable, I hated that I was so different and that I had to go through so much just to be my self. Even after transitioning and going full time the indignity of the things that I had to go through just to make this body something I could feel connected to with out wanting to destroy it made me uncomfortable. I could totally relate to her feelings I've been there and done that, I have had those days struggling with the difficulties of transition like dealing with coming out to family or friends, or enduring various treatments questioning if all of this is even going to be worth it. It is much harder when starting out with because you see all off these huge mountains you have to climb to even begin to start seeing your self in the mirror.

The truth, and a truth that we often hide from newer transitioners for fear of discouraging them from going through with it is that change is hard, and it is always hard. Being transgender is awful, no matter how much we sit here and sugar coat it and try to make it seem almost magical. It is in no way a magical journey down into a enchanted forest filled with happiness and smiles, it is a struggle and it is often painful I can honestly say that laser is one of the most painful experiences of my life not long lasting but intense. We don't transition because we want to transition, we do this because we have reached a breaking point where it often feels like do or die. Having gender issues destroying your life and grinding your soul away slowly into dust for a life time before even reaching the point of transition does not make one look very fondly on being transgender.

I have at times been accused of suffering from internalized transphobia because I'm not always all "rah-rah go trans identity!". This simply couldn't be further from the truth if that was the case then I would have packed my bags and ran as far away from this community as I could the day I went full time and gone stealth like many do. The fact is that most of us do not transition to live and embrace the "trans lifestyle" we do this to be our selves, to be the person we truly want to be. I know in my case I never once wished I was a transwoman growing up, I wished I was just a woman and I am sure many others feel the same way.. So being lumped into "culture" is uncomfortable, and often the only way to get the external validation so many of us need when we are starting this challenging journey is to accept an identity we never wanted nor asked for.

So with so many physical and social pressures that come with transitioning why do we even bother? Because we often have no other choice.. Is it worth it? It can be, if we are seeking self validation over external validation, and the struggle the pain only makes achieving that self validation all the more worth it. I told her that she will begin to feel comfortable with being trans as she finds self validation from her transition, and told her to never do anything with her body to simply to please others.

For me it has been 6 months since I have gone full time, and its hard to believe sometimes it feels like it as only been yesterday. I am feeling more at peace now than I ever have in my life, before there was so much anxiety and noise in my head that I couldn't even sleep at night. I have been able to settle into life as a woman pretty well haven't really run into too many issues any other woman wouldn't run into, but even then it isn't all roses and sunshine. I have experienced what it's like to be sexually objectified by guys even some who had known me as a guy before, I've had the pleasure of having had my ideas and opinions completely dismissed too (I thought that one was unique to the internet and MMOs all these years but nope.. ) but even with these new challenges I think it's all been worth it. I'm finally living as my self, and I can finally face things on a day to day basis with out completely falling apart, I can finally sleep at night. So yes all of the struggle all of the pain that change requires is absolutely worth it to me and even though being trans isn't the core of my identity, I'm no longer uncomfortable with the fact that I am a transwoman it's just like having a birth defect to me at this point its somewhat embarrassing but its not going to dominate my life.

The most important thing I have learned from transition is that to be happy one has to live, dress, and act in a manner that feels authentic to them selves. External validation is always nice but with out self validation it will feel hollow. So my advice to this girl, and to anyone who reads this.. Be true to your self not others or even the community, live life the way that feels right and authentic to your self. When others do offer the external validation and you've already found self validation you will find it easier to accept it rather than just assume they are just being nice.

[Charlize]

Thank you for that post Sarah. In many ways i share your experiences. The internet did not exist when i was a child and examples of trans. persons just were not there. All of those thoughts were pushed away. As a child i dreamed every night that i was a girl. Dressed as a girl and with girl friends to play with. In the day i had to be guy. I would not wish that on anybody. My folks sent me to all male schools to butch me up and it did. I pushed it all away and eventually ended up as an alcoholic mess struggling with an emerging enemy. Sobriety was a gift from a higher power. Amongst other things i learned to be as honest as i could be. Little by little i found my biggest lie was hiding myself since childhood. It was truth that always crept out but i just pushed it back.

Transition hasn't been easy. For me the rewards have been great. I am finally happy with the way i look and feel. Problems in both life and gender still crop up but i am so much more at peace as the woman who was denied a life until a little over a year ago.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest KimberlyF]

Great post. Many will jump from one pot of boiling water into another.

"I have at times been accused of suffering from internalized transphobia because I'm not always all "rah-rah go trans identity!". This simply couldn't be further from the truth if that was the case then I would have packed my bags and ran as far away from this community as I could the day I went full time and gone stealth like many do. The fact is that most of us do not transition to live and embrace the "trans lifestyle" we do this to be our selves, to be the person we truly want to be. I know in my case I never once wished I was a transwoman growing up, I wished I was just a woman and I am sure many others feel the same way.. "

I've written the same thing over the years in different posts.

"So being lumped into "culture" is uncomfortable, and often the only way to get the external validation so many of us need when we are starting this challenging journey is to accept an identity we never wanted nor asked for."

If you are looking in a group of people or 'community', they may have certain expectations or demands on acceptable behavior. I found more support at the start from people outside. They had zero expectations on a norm. They were supporting me not any ideology.

[Cyndee]

The most important thing I have learned from transition is that to be happy one has to live, dress, and act in a manner that feels authentic to them selves. External validation is always nice but with out self validation it will feel hollow. So my advice to this girl, and to anyone who reads this.. Be true to your self not others or even the community, live life the way that feels right and authentic to your self. When others do offer the external validation and you've already found self validation you will find it easier to accept it rather than just assume they are just being nice.

I agree with this above Sarah, and there is that word again "authentic". Someone we both know thought like this.

And then I remembered this topic (that word was used)

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=56472&page=1entry525092

huggles...

Cyndi -

[Carolyn Marie]

You did a great job explaining what many of us feel, Sarah. Thank you for your honesty and wisdom. Transition is easier for some than for others, but I don't think I've ever met someone who transitioned that said it was a bed of roses. It is hard work, and I emphasis work. It is also a continuous process. One doesn't just wake up one day having completed "transition." I continue to work on voice, on makeup, on mannerisms, and on presentation, after more than two years of RLE, and I probably will continue to work on those things for the foreseeable future.

There is a great deal of satisfaction that comes with accomplishing something this hard. For me, it has been more than worth the effort. As you mentioned, I am living a life that I can now call authentic. That bed of roses is filled with thorns, but it still smells sweet.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest DianeATL]

Thank you Sarah for another well written piece.

I get it when you say you want to run away from the trans community. We all want to be where we want to be, not forever on a journey. It is natural for you to just want to be a woman, like any other woman, not a transwoman. So don't feel bad about wanting to distance yourself.

But speaking as one who is new to the journey, I can't express how much it means to me to have experienced travelers looking back at their journey and helping me sort out my own. It is overwhelming at times and ladies like you help me stay focused on the important stuff. Also don't apologize for potentially scaring off someone from going down the path. I cannot think of a more difficult life to choose (being trans is not a choice, but making the transition is). The thing that keeps me going is hearing the refrain over and over from you who have done it, "it was tough, but I am happier or more at peace than I ever had been before", or even the ones who say "I lost everything, friends, family, job, and wealth, and if I had to do it over, I would have done it sooner."

It's no bed of roses but I look forward to a time when I can embrace the day instead of just ticking off days on my sentence like a prisoner locked in a mansuit.

Diane

[Guest EvaO]

Great post, Sarah! I think a lot of what you said about not choosing to be lumped up into a group rings true for a lot of minorities. Oftentimes, these solidarity groups happen because said groups find themselves marginalized and misunderstood. It’s a tale as old as time.

After nine years of trying to live in the gender not assigned for me at birth, I can tell you that being part of a trans community makes life a helluva lot easier, especially when you’ve got everyone from the judicial system to medical providers themselves trying to grind into your skull that you are, nor ever will be, “a real woman.” This community isn’t perfect either; after having worked for an LGBT Center, a transgender health clinic and done community work, I have seen my fair share of cattiness, jealousy and mean-spiritedness from my own sisters -- and some of my brothers too – but, I have also seen a lot of harmony and progress happen. And through all of it, I wouldn’t have it any other way!

I also see myself as someone with a medical condition that needs amending. I always have and I always will, but, having also been stealth in my lifetime, I can tell you that it is so wonderful to be surrounded with a group of men and women who reassure me that I’m not alone with this amending.

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Great Post Sarah,

I can relate to 4 Charlie, when I realized as a child that I should have been a girl was about 50 years ago with no PC's or Internet.

The only information I could gather was reading Christine Jorgenson's story.

Today there is so much more information.

Transition wasn't easy for me and I was disowned by my whole family, but it was very rewarding in the end.

I have since made so many True Friends that do accept me.

I have never been Happier Being and Living as my True Self.

The hardest part of my Transition was being told that "You don't fit the Criteria of the DSM"

Thankfully, I was able to find a Good Gender Therapist for Therapy and also given a letter for HRT.

Even though I Came-Out and Started Transitioning in 2007, I am always telling people that Everyday I am still Transitioning.

"The most important thing I have learned from transition is that to be happy one has to live, dress, and act in a manner that feels authentic to them selves"

This statement describes my life today after many years of suffering needlessly.

External Validation is nice, but I am Very Happy Being ME.

Hugs,
Carla

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

Very well said!

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Great post. Many will jump from one pot of boiling water into another.

"I have at times been accused of suffering from internalized transphobia because I'm not always all "rah-rah go trans identity!". This simply couldn't be further from the truth if that was the case then I would have packed my bags and ran as far away from this community as I could the day I went full time and gone stealth like many do. The fact is that most of us do not transition to live and embrace the "trans lifestyle" we do this to be our selves, to be the person we truly want to be. I know in my case I never once wished I was a transwoman growing up, I wished I was just a woman and I am sure many others feel the same way.. "

I've written the same thing over the years in different posts.

"So being lumped into "culture" is uncomfortable, and often the only way to get the external validation so many of us need when we are starting this challenging journey is to accept an identity we never wanted nor asked for."

If you are looking in a group of people or 'community', they may have certain expectations or demands on acceptable behavior. I found more support at the start from people outside. They had zero expectations on a norm. They were supporting me not any ideology.

People do tend to jump from one to the other, there is a habit of obsessively trying to meet specific expectations rather then just working to become the person that they them selves want to be.

My experiences are roughly the same, when I was first starting out I largely avoided the community it seemed intimidating, I made it through my darkest periods of my life and the start of my transition with the help of family and friends. I'm just not a fan of conforming to certain ways of thinking just because someone tells me to, and naturally that can get you in trouble in any community. It's in human nature to not like people who make waves.

The most important thing I have learned from transition is that to be happy one has to live, dress, and act in a manner that feels authentic to them selves. External validation is always nice but with out self validation it will feel hollow. So my advice to this girl, and to anyone who reads this.. Be true to your self not others or even the community, live life the way that feels right and authentic to your self. When others do offer the external validation and you've already found self validation you will find it easier to accept it rather than just assume they are just being nice.

I agree with this above Sarah, and there is that word again "authentic". Someone we both know thought like this.

And then I remembered this topic (that word was used)

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=56472&page=1entry525092

huggles...

Cyndi -

I've used the word authentic for a long while, not sure where I originally picked it up from but it does seem to be very applicable to transition. Though in reality the challenge of living to be authentic to ones self is probably a struggle all people have to face. It is very hard to find ones self in all the noise of society and the pressures it places on people, like TV telling us what is acceptable societal behavior for a woman, telling us how to dress and feel.

You did a great job explaining what many of us feel, Sarah. Thank you for your honesty and wisdom. Transition is easier for some than for others, but I don't think I've ever met someone who transitioned that said it was a bed of roses. It is hard work, and I emphasis work. It is also a continuous process. One doesn't just wake up one day having completed "transition." I continue to work on voice, on makeup, on mannerisms, and on presentation, after more than two years of RLE, and I probably will continue to work on those things for the foreseeable future.

There is a great deal of satisfaction that comes with accomplishing something this hard. For me, it has been more than worth the effort. As you mentioned, I am living a life that I can now call authentic. That bed of roses is filled with thorns, but it still smells sweet.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

That is awesome Carolyn I am really happy that you have found a place where you feel true to your self, that is ultimately all one can hope for in life. While we all seek to reach an end point with our transition and just be our selves, I think that one should never stop changing and improving them selves life should be about continually evolving as a person. It sounds like you've really gotten to a healthy place in your life.

Thank you Sarah for another well written piece.

I get it when you say you want to run away from the trans community. We all want to be where we want to be, not forever on a journey. It is natural for you to just want to be a woman, like any other woman, not a transwoman. So don't feel bad about wanting to distance yourself.

But speaking as one who is new to the journey, I can't express how much it means to me to have experienced travelers looking back at their journey and helping me sort out my own. It is overwhelming at times and ladies like you help me stay focused on the important stuff. Also don't apologize for potentially scaring off someone from going down the path. I cannot think of a more difficult life to choose (being trans is not a choice, but making the transition is). The thing that keeps me going is hearing the refrain over and over from you who have done it, "it was tough, but I am happier or more at peace than I ever had been before", or even the ones who say "I lost everything, friends, family, job, and wealth, and if I had to do it over, I would have done it sooner."

It's no bed of roses but I look forward to a time when I can embrace the day instead of just ticking off days on my sentence like a prisoner locked in a mansuit.

Diane

I am glad that some of the things that I've said has helped you Diane, transition can be very challenging the whole thing can feel like this impossible daunting task but if you're doing it for the right reasons the struggle is worth it. It sounds to me like you are probably doing it for the right reasons, and as long as you continue to do things that to you feel right then you should eventually reach that point where you do feel comfortable in your own skin.. Transitioning isn't the only struggle, just living in the wrong body is a struggle that is why I bluntly stated that being trans is awful it completely wrecks our lives from birth until we learn to cope or we deal with it. It's not that I want to run away from the community and hide, I just don't think it has ever been some grand identity that I embraced. I never woke up thinking "This is awesome I get to be part of this amazing community of people these trans experiences are so unique it's so special" for me it was usually waking up wishing I wasn't waking up.

That said there are a lot of amazing people in the community, and I am happy that I can be there for anyone going through this kinda stuff.

Great post, Sarah! I think a lot of what you said about not choosing to be lumped up into a group rings true for a lot of minorities. Oftentimes, these solidarity groups happen because said groups find themselves marginalized and misunderstood. It’s a tale as old as time.

After nine years of trying to live in the gender not assigned for me at birth, I can tell you that being part of a trans community makes life a helluva lot easier, especially when you’ve got everyone from the judicial system to medical providers themselves trying to grind into your skull that you are, nor ever will be, “a real woman.” This community isn’t perfect either; after having worked for an LGBT Center, a transgender health clinic and done community work, I have seen my fair share of cattiness, jealousy and mean-spiritedness from my own sisters -- and some of my brothers too – but, I have also seen a lot of harmony and progress happen. And through all of it, I wouldn’t have it any other way!

I also see myself as someone with a medical condition that needs amending. I always have and I always will, but, having also been stealth in my lifetime, I can tell you that it is so wonderful to be surrounded with a group of men and women who reassure me that I’m not alone with this amending.

I understand what you are saying, but as someone who more or less crawled into a dark hole and stopped even trying with life since I was a teen the only life I really had for almost 10 years was living exclusively as female online. So now that I have brought my physical body and real physical life into alignment with the person I have mentally and emotionally been since I was 16, there is a lot of stuff I am figuring out for my self that many people figure out when they are a few years younger than me. It can be very frustrating to have ideas, ideologies, opinions, and other things the majority of the community often holds pushed onto me and expected to follow. I've transitioned for my self to find self validation, I didn't do that to validate the community as a whole.

Don't get me wrong, the community can at times be great and it is great to be able to meet others going through similar things, it is nice not to feel like one is alone in all of this. It can just be easy to feel pressured into feeling certain ways to try to fit into the community. The community can be very very in your face with the whole transculture thing, as we try to often mirror the LGB community and that can be very intimidating for someone just starting transition. The girl I was talking to just wanted to feel comfortable dealing with the whole process of transition, but she isnt at that point yet where she has found the self validation to begin feeling comfortable. You hear people in the community talking about some things like it's nothing like its this walk in the park as I stated before, but the fact is for the person new to transition it can all be so scary and they still feel the intense dysphoria as well as guilt and shame . We often as a community tell them transition is great and that there is nothing to be ashamed of, but the reality is transition is a massive pain in the butt, and shame doesn't just go away over night.

I don't hate the community by any means, I just think we tend to forget what its like to not have the self validation or confidence that we have gained through transition. We tend to look back at it with rose colored glasses and celebrate it as this great wonder of life, we tend to focus on the activism side of things that we forget how hard it can be when actually doing it. That is why I try to always say, do what you do for your self not to fit a specific mold. It is wonderful to have others who can relate, but its even better when you are first secure in your self. No matter how much external validation is given it is all meaningless with out reaching self validation. I know there was a time where someone would compliment me or my transition and I would just assume they being nice, it was nice to hear for 10 seconds but then I'd feel doubt again. Now that I feel secure in my self, if someone says they think I am pretty I accept it at face value.

It can just be very easy to lose your self in the community, there is absolutely a healthy balance. That's why I haven't fled into stealth I know I can help others and I know I can learn from others, but I will always stay true to who I am even if that causes waves here or there.

[Guest N. Jane]

I took quite a different path than Sarah but that is to be expected since it was so long ago and my situation was different.

I never had to "come out" since I was "out" from childhood and everybody knew I was "different". Of course, in the 1950s, that had its own problems and life was pretty miserable. There wasn't much in the way of support or resources back then and although I had heard of Christine Jognensen I never heard the word transsexual until I was 14 and was diagnosed at 16 by Harry Benjamin. Even a diagnosis didn't help much because there were no medical resources available and SRS was virtually impossible. I started hormones at 17 and by my early 20s I was quite suicidal before SRS became available. Going for surgery meant being disowned by my parents and being banished from my home town but I had no choice - it was literally life or death.

I started life over at age 24 (1974) and I never looked back. I always felt I was a girl and now I WAS one (no asterisk, no reservations). I knew I was inexperienced in life, lagging behind my peers by almost 10 years in terms of experience and maturity so I immersed myself in the world of women, I watched, I listened, and I questioned. I learned from my peers (women) and from older women and I grew. As I grew and developed, I gained a great deal of confidence in myself and was very happy with the kind of person I turned out to be. Aside from my doctor and my spouse, nobody knew of my medical history and I preferred to keep that private.

As I grew confident in my womanhood, I began 'pushing boundaries' in a couple of areas (much to the amusement of some of my friends) but mostly I just accepted life as a woman. After all, that is where I chose to be!

It was not until almost 30 years post-op that I started venturing into the online community (thanks to the anonymity of the Internet). At first I found it very painful, recounting and remembering those early years that almost took my life but I worked through the PTSD and the childhood abuse (with professional help). Still, associating with the community has its down-side - it reminds me that I am not (completely) like other women and that begins to erode one's confidence and one's sense of self. My therapist said some time ago "Don't become your condition!" and that, I found, to be very wise. I was born a transsexual but I got medical treatment and was cured of that condition. I am now just another woman and I don't want to carry an asterisk but it is hard not to when one visits these forums and similar places. I often think about leaving but then I think of those who are still struggling and feel a duty to stay.

The rest of my life is simple and straight-forward ..... this part is not! LOL!

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Well there is always similarities in peoples stories but at the same time there are differences, we are all unique people. The community has become very activist based these days and it can be very intimidating for the new transitioner or really anyone who is not quite so interested in being an activist. I imagine that not even having the resources of a community was probably very challenging in its own right, I actually avoided the community for the most part for the majority of my life.

I would say that I don't really see my self as a trans person first, I do absolutely view my self as simply a woman and I have been told by people that I am so natural as a woman that it's hard to imagine I was anything else. In terms of coming out I thought I was female as a small child which terrified my family and they went out of their way to impress upon me that I wasn't, I learned what being transsexual was when I was 8 or 10 and I tried telling my family but they called me names and then forgot it happened and I let them forget because their reaction scared me.. I tried again a year or two later and my great grand father told me would pray it away, so I told them I was joking and let it fade.. this cycle for me happened through my life until I was about 15 and then I basically shut down in real life and I lived online as Sarah in games and completely neglected and ignored reality until I was 24 and then I came out and kept it out because I knew I was dying. So for me who I was was never in question.

As I said I avoided the community, I even only saw my therapist when it was absolutely required and usually by the time I saw her I had worked through stuff on my own. Even then my therapist had ideas of how things should work on me based entirely on what she felt was common to all trans people. Even when I went full time she spouted off some copy and paste crap about how there are few pros and many cons and how I should come in for a reality check, we just have a habit of being stuffed into a little box when we're transgender even when we don't want too. You were able to avoid much of that with your unique history you were able to find your self among women and find your own self validation. Which is awesome and I definitely applaud you for being here to share your own experiences and help others LONG after you clearly no longer even needed too.

There can be some very strong personalities in the community who tend to push their ideas and feelings as the more valid one, I have encountered transwomen who identity as radical feminists who push a radical ideology on others telling them if they feel differently then they are just misogynists. I have seen some older women in transition telling much younger women in transition that because they aren't dressed up to their standards they are clearly not trans. When one is immersed in the community it can be easy to lose ones self amongst the strong personalities. Which is why I think it is very important to find self validation to be able to accept healthy external validation, we need to transition to be our selves not meet other peoples expectations.

Thank you for sharing your story N Jane, I always felt that my story had some uniqueness due to the challenges of weight loss and the extreme case of being a shut in but yours is extremely interesting as I have never had the privilege of actually meeting one of the pioneers of transition so I definitely applaud you for everything you've done with your own transition and then still trying to help others.