My Public Experience

[Carolyn Marie]

Many of you are fearful of how you will be seen in public. You're afraid of ridicule, of being publicly outed. I think this is especially true of older transitioners like me, whose physical transformation isn't usually as dramatic and complete as it is for those who start young. I think the fear is more intense for MtF's than FtM's, and for valid reasons, but there are exceptions, of course.

So first, a caveat; no one persons experience is the same as anyone else's, so this is just my experience. Take from it what you will.

You've seen my photos, and know that I have a good face, but not one without its flaws. You've also heard me say that I'm petite, but that doesn't tell everything. I am in fact overweight for my height, and I have a noticeable gut,. Ideally, I should lose 20 pounds. My voice is decent, but gets hoarse and lowers after a lot of talking. Lastly, you know that I wear a wig at all times.

Some of you have heard me talk about being a volunteer at a local museum. I was extremely nervous about it, not knowing how close encounters with so many people would go. Half or more of those people are children, many of whom are teens. I have now been at the museum for 7 months, and worked almost 200 hours, nearly all of it on the floor, interacting with the public. I have been seen by thousands, and talked with hundreds, of all ages, races, and nationalities.

So what have I found? Not once have I been outed. Not once have I been questioned. Not once has anyone (that I'm aware of) looked at me queerly, or stared, The kids treat me like any other adult they've encountered, and when I talk to little ones, I'm right there in their face, at their level.

To what do I attribute my success? To the fact that, in that environment, folks want information, they want to be entertained, they want to learn. They aren't there looking for human curiosities, only the curiosities in the display cases. I also wear a smile, I treat adults the way I would want to be treated. I know my subject matter, I talk to the kids in ways that they understand, and never talk down to them. I treat everyone, adults and kids, with respect. But mostly, I think its due to my self confidence. I do not act any differently than anyone else. I don't look over my shoulders. I don't look to see who is staring. I don't second guess myself.

I have friends among the staff, both volunteers and paid staff. I talk about my life, up to a point. I never lie, but I have never outed myself either. if someone were to ask, I would admit to being TS, but let them know that it is not a subject for public discussion. But no one has ever asked, or given any indication that they know there is something different about me.

Presentation matters. I dress appropriately: my hair is nice, my makeup is good, my voice is OK, and I try to walk and stand and gesture as I think most women do. Has anyone ever clocked me? Probably. Do I care? Absolutely not.

That's my experience. I said all of that just to show that life as a transperson in the world doesn't have to be Hell On Earth. Live your life, and don't look over your shoulder. Unless of course, a Mack truck is about to run you over.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Bulldog1948]

Carolyn, you are one wise sage

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

I think you hit the nail on the head.

From my museum tour experiences, I cared more about what the person was saying than what they looked like. I wasn't really looking at them anyway, I was looking at whatever they were directing our attention to and listening to what they had to say. Maybe I'll whisper a "she's really good!" to the person I'm with.

[Guest DianeATL]

Great post thanks for sharing. Confidence, fitting in, focusing on the subject matter, not your trans status, all of these things make for positive public appearances. I applaud you for your approach and success.

Hugs

Diane

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Great Post CarolynMarie,

My experiences living in NY are the same as yours.

I have never been outed or disrespected in Public even though I am not completely "Passable" nor have I ever been asked if I was TG.

If I was Asked, I would not lie.

The people in NY treat me better than my own family that disowned me.

Many people have read my Introduction in the past, but if not, here it is.

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=56381&hl

Pay careful attention to the area in red.

Hugs,

Carla

[Drea]

You simply pass great Carolyn!

I would note, from my experience being quite obviously trans that the vast majority of people will be polite, won't stare, won't say anything. That is, as long as you act as a decent, pleasant human being as you describe as your secret Carolyn. Passing on top of that certainly doesn't hurt. Congrats.

[Carolyn Marie]

Thank you very much, ladies and gentleman.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest LizMarie]

Drea, I've met you and you are not "obviously" trans. So I disagree with you again!

But then I've met and known so many variant biological women over the years that perhaps my view is skewed. One of my close friends is 6 foot tall and rail thin with nearly no bustline and wears her hair short (since it's easier for all the outdoor horse work she engages in). She's occasionally misgendered and she says it's mainly due to height and her skinny frame.

Two more of my female friends are also taller than me and I'm 5'10". I've known lots of taller professional women, some "big boned" and some not.

I'm not sure appearance alone can mark someone as trans aside from specific male features - heavy male brow, male beard shadow, large adam's apple. More of it happens from how we walk and interact with others, how we carry ourselves, etc.

Drea's observation is good. Most people will simply be polite even if they suspect.

And yes, there are a few really sad human beings out there who try to hurt us if we let them. Ignore them as best you can and just get on with your life (unless they are actively interfering in it).

[JJ]

Wonderful and inspiring Carolyn. I would add that a genuine liking of people that shines through along with a smile that makes people want to like you back doesn't hurt either.

If I had to choose one role model or spokesperson for the community it would be you. Because you are so normal and extraordinary at the same time.

Thank you for being such a great example of how it can be for us. That we can live lives that are as good and full as anyone else. And for sharing it with us

Hugs

Johnny

[VickySGV]

The restaurant where Carolyn, Kathryn and her sister and I met a couple weeks ago is one I have gone to for over 15 years, which means that some of the employees know me from "him" days and even heavy drinking days. In my case they are happy that a long time customer is in good health and still eating there. The table waiter was new, so maybe he was not in on the secret, but before the other three showed up, I had had a talk with one of the older employees who was simply glad I was there, and more so that I had friends coming in. The picture is over in this post http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=58134 and simply shows three feminine people having fun without any regard to whether we "passed" or not, enjoying each other's company. I did not fool anyone at the restaurant, and none of the other patrons there paid attention to the other three, or to me either. We got kicked out sorta, because we talked up until they closed to get ready for a dinner menu. The kick out would have been for anyone, not just us. If I can be comfortable under the circumstances I was, looking like I did (my hair was a mess) and good friends are accepted as that no matter what ----- OK it was all said above.

[Guest Jenn348]

My experience since going full time has been pretty much the same. I'm 28 and I'm six months into HRT.

At the 3 month mark, I went out in public and would get weird stares and kids would ask if I was male or female, but now no such things happen. Even people I knew as a male don't know who I am in public if they don't know I transitioned.

The very last time I got sirred was when I went to get a battery at Sam's Club and had to show the male name club member card. This was the day of my name change in court, so I went right over and had my membership changed over to Jenn. No sirring at Sam's since

I don't think the changes have been all that dramatic, honestly. Either way, going out in public is nothing to worry about. Even if a few people know, they are very unlikely to say or do anything negative.

[Guest Jaques]

That's great Carolyn, I understand what you say about it can be more difficult for M2F's. I have witnessed a butch lesbians being extremely aggressive towards a man who made snide remarks about her and her reaction was to punch him really hard - im totally non confrontational becaue I once did that to a male neighbour, id had enough of their really bad attitude towards me when I was living as a butch, the result was I decked him and his wife called the police - I got let off and apologised to them, and they also told me they didn't realise how badly theyd been treating me, stopping their boys from talking to me over the fence and so on - I lost it, just once and though the outcome was ok in the end, what I did was stupid and can only have made them think badly of me as a person. My missus is mixed race and she told me once she was out having a drink with friends and a guy was making terribly racist remarks towards her, this went on for a while then she went over and began a conversation with him - and after a while, he apologised and bought her a drink - she had made him think differently just by talking - I know that cant always happen..................but its worth a try in some cases.

[KathrynJulia]

Carolyn has hit the nail directly on the head.

Confidence and a smile gets a girl the key to the ladies room. As both Carolyn and Vicky have eloquently stated, how we comport ourselves, how positive and comfortable we are in ourselves, that is the sales job we must do everyday of our transgendered lives.

It's a sales job folks and like everyone else in this world, we sell other people on ourselves. If we are comfortable with ourselves, others find it easy to be comfortable with us to. You may be a trans woman or man, but you are also a beautiful person. Love yourself and others will love you to. Go for your dreams folks, go for your dreams. Kathy

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Great Carolyn,

I always say that confidance, great personality and a smile can cover many flaws.

I have always said in the past that I do not pass completely and am OBVIOUSLY a transwoman, I have never been outed in NY.

I go to the Library weekly and have made many friends there that are staff members and are always extremely helpful to me.

I have to agree with KathrynJulia:

It's a sales job folks and like everyone else in this world, we sell other people on ourselves. If we are comfortable with ourselves, others find it easy to be comfortable with us to. You may be a trans woman or man, but you are also a beautiful person. Love yourself and others will love you to. Go for your dreams folks, go for your dreams

Hugs,

Carla