Pushing forward: coming out at work

[Guest Edu]

As I mentioned in my update yesterday [1], I recently disclosed my transgender identity through a public post on my Facebook wall (btw, many supportive replies and zero regrets so far!). The next step seems obvious: I still spend over 40 hours a week in a place were nobody knows about this, and I don't feel like hiding anything anymore.

I have looked at some of the advice shared on "comming out at work" threads but most of the suggestions doesn't seem to fit my situation. In theory this should be easy, it's just I have no clue on how to approach it. Here are some facts about my work environment:

- We are a small company. Half dozen people, including myself and the company's owner.

- There is no such thing as a HR department. Actually, there is no such thing as a department (of any kind) in the company. Sometimes I even joke about me being the whole IT department myself, so you get the idea. HR tasks are handled by the boss and a manager / accountant.

- The boss is aware of my gender issues. I talked with him about that over a year ago, and afaict things went well enough (I shared the news back then [2]). We haven't talked about the topic since then, I don't know if he even remembers that conversation.

- Although I haven't explicitly told anyone besides the boss, some clues are obvious: over a year and a half I have been making several changes to my personal image. Most worth highlighting, I'm most often wearing some make up (nothing too fancy, but clearly visible).

- Everyone in this office leans towards a left-winged, tolerant mentality. What I wonder is whether any of them knows anything about gender dysphoria (I mean, besides the rubbish presented by the media).

So everything looks favorable. For the last two days I've been tempted to just screaming it out. But I want to do things the right way and I have no idea of what the right is (I bet screaming is not very right). This should be an easy step by now, and probably I'm just freaking out; but in any case, any advise would be welcome.

[1] http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=58496

[2] http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=47900&p=445449

[Charlize]

Ethain dear,

If you have already told the boss in your case i would think that is certainly the HR department. My questions to you are more like : Do you want to go full time? Why would you come out otherwise? This is not to say that you have to but otherwise i might just continue to be myself as i slowly become more feminine. Many of us never want to fully transition and that is cool as well. If you do want and plan to transition then i would talk to your boss again and ask him for his assessment. The others sound like they will follow his lead.

I hope that helps. I know it's a difficult decision. We are watching out for you and have your back as you move forward.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest LizMarie]

If I were you (and I was until last year when our smaller company was bought out by a much larger one), I would once again inform your boss, then tell him that you'd like to tell everyone else, perhaps face to face or perhaps by email initially. That would depend on your circumstances. Coming out about your GID can help your co-workers understand and sets the stage later if you need to go further. Telling them whether you plan to transition or not can wait til you make that choice.

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Hi Ethain,

I am retired so I never had to Come-Out in the Workplace.

This link from the Human Rights Commission may be of some help.

http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/coming-out-in-the-workplace-as-transgender

It is beneficial to your employer because you will be much Happier being Open and also more productive to your employer.

I wish you Success and Happiness on your Journey and Coming-Out in the Workplace.

Hugs,

Carla

[Guest Edu]

Do you want to go full time? Why would you come out otherwise? This is not to say that you have to but otherwise i might just continue to be myself as i slowly become more feminine.

That's pretty much the heart of the issue. Eventually, I want to go "full time myself", whatever that means. For about 18 months I have been experimenting with my image and presentation, introducing changes very slowly.

What bugs me is this annoying feeling, it's like I am hiding. I was carrying that feeling 24/7 without knowing exactly what it was, then I made the disclosure in Facebook and most of it went away. Then I knew what it was. That "secrecy" feeling is still there when I'm at work, bugging me continuously, and that's what I want to get rid of. I need to get rid of it. Now that I know what is it, and what exact step do I have to take to get rid of it, the urge to just take that step has increased dramatically.

It all boils down to hiding and running away. I have been doing that for too many years. It's a tremendous waste of energies and it leads nowhere. And now that I have found that there is no need at all to hide, I simply don't want to hide anymore. Actually, I can't hide anymore.

For the last couple of days, I have had to do a huge effort on self-restraint to not out myself. I feel like screaming it out and getting it off my chest once and for all; I have no idea how long will I be able to stay in control. I know that I will eventually explode and out myself; so it should be better to disclose things in a more civilized, less explosive way. So, answering the question: why would I come out? I simply gotta get this out before it explodes on its own, and the fuse's already lit.

It seems obvious that the first step should be to talk with the boss again. That's gonna be a bit difficult, he's often busy, and when he isn't he gets bored and starts tinkering with the code of our apps and scripts, so then I am the one who gets busy 'cause I have to fix the stuff he breaks (it ain't as bad as it sounds, it can actually be funny, but sometimes it gets stressing). I'll try to find some time to bring out the topic with him, and move on from there.

Thanks all for your suggestions.

Hugs,

Ethain

[Guest Edu]

It's done!

On monday, I e-mailed the boss, reminding him about the topic and clarifying that I was in the process of coming out (and, in fact, the workplace was the only place where I was still holding back). I suggested sending a concise e-mail, explaining the topic straight to the point and inviting anyone who has doubts or questions to ask whatever they want outside of office hours (I wanted to emphasize that this won't affect my work as a programmer, but also I don't want it to affect anybody else's workflow). On thursday he showed up in the office and eventually we had a brief talk. I just had to reassure him that this will have no impact in my work*; then he acknowledged this (disclosure) is my choice to make and agreed that the e-mail approach would be quite adequate.

Thus, on thursday itself, during my lunch break, I let off the e-mail (actually, I had a draft ready since when I mailed my boss). So far, only one of my workmates has made any mention of the topic (her reaction was quite positive), so I don't know whether the rest of them have even seen the e-mail. I guess I'll ask them if they had read it at some point during next week.

Maybe it's a bit early to tell, but I think going public was a great idea. After taking out all that weight, I'm left wondering ¿how was I even able to carry it for so long? Over the last two weeks (since I went public via Facebook) I've been feeling better that I had in a very long time. And, although I still got a lot of issues to deal with, for the first time I'm realizing I do have the strength to deal with them.

Hugs for all of you,

(>o_o)> <(o_o<)

Ethain

[Charlize]

That is wonderful news Ethain. Fear holds us back for so long and once we get through it it seems so easy. I know it isn't. Give yourself a big hug. and i'm sending one as well.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest LizMarie]

Congratulations, Ethain! I wish you luck going forward!

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Congratulations Ethain,

I am glad to hear that you have strength to deal with your issues.

I am also glad to hear that your one reaction was Positive.

Hopefully, so will all the rest.

I wish you Continued Success and Happiness on your Journey.

Hugs,

Carla

[Guest Rebecca A]

Congrats Ethain,

I too felt that weight disappear after I came out to others, my situation didn't go as well as yours but in the end I don't regret it because now I can live life as my 'true' self. Even if you don't decide to transition, at least now the others know what it is you are struggling with and the fear of being in hiding starts to go away.