Had a bad experience today

[Guest LoveBeingMe]

Just a day or two ago I was thinking about how well things had been going and for how long. Kind of wondered if I was about due for something negative.

They were re-roofing the house today so I had to get out with all the noise. So, what's a girl do? Go shopping, of course! Had a fun morning. Bought a pair of earrings and a bracelet.

I have always (not just in fem) had a hard time making myself go to a restaurant alone. I don't know why, I've just always had a hard time doing so and hadn't for probably a couple years. Today though, I thought I needed to celebrate, and could kill some time too. I decided to go to a good Mexican Restaurant for lunch. I really was looking for a fun lunch. I didn't get it!

The ladies out front were friendly, and the food was good. The waiter was determined to sir me as many times and as loudly as possible. He did it on purpose, at least 7 times! I gave him a couple of dirty looks which I think he enjoyed. When he left the check I paid with cash, he brought my change, I left no tip walked out front and told the two ladies there that the food was very good but someone needed to buy the waiter glasses. The young woman laughed, the older asked why. I said because he can't tell the difference between a man and a woman. And I added he would have gotten a nice tip. And, I won't be back! I was shaking, I could feel the tears welling up, and I walked out.

In hindsight now, I should have mentioned the complete lack of respect. And should've let the tears come. But hindsight doesn't help much. I might have gotten a free meal or something had I stayed longer but I wasn't after a handout. I just wanted the same respect that everyone else in the restaurant received, that's all. That's one restaurant I'll never visit again. I will share this with our local group too.

I took off and went to the mall and walked for a while, looked but didn't buy anything. Got my coffee now so all's ok. Part of a shingle laying on the floor of the bathroom under the skylight, interesting! Oh well.

[Guest Rebecca A]

Hi,

Sounds like a rough lunch indeed, at least you were able to hold to your manners and told the hostess what the issue was after the meal and didn't make a bigger scene with the waiter then it needed to be. And honestly girl, he was probably jealous. lol. I find a lot of people who 'sir' me most of the time it has more to do with their own insecurities, then anything to do with me.

[VickySGV]

Too bad you did not have a couple of centavos or other non-US coin on hand. Leaving those would have been a direct statement to him, but the comments to the manager or other supervising staff were well done too. Leaving NO TIP is an accident that happens, but a micro tip, is a tip of its own kind. I really feel bad for you, and since the food was good, the restaurant owner as well.

[Guest LoveBeingMe]

Rebecca, most of the time when I'm sir ed it's some young kid at a fast food place or something like that. I don't think anything of it. This was no kid, and was being done for spite, meanness, I could tell. I was sitting there with with my compact straightening my hair when he first came to the table!

Your right Vicky, I should've left him a quarter. The food was good but I didn't enjoy it, so I

[Guest Deanna]

That does sound bad. Happens to me sometimes also. I refuse to go back to one because of it. My new policy, after I know it is on purpose, is to call him Ma'am every time the waiter miss genders me. I figure if he doesn't like it he will stop or say some thing.

[Charlize]

I'm glad you made a comment to the ladies up front. My tendency would have been to do as you regarding the tip as well. I don't know if i would have taken the insult for my meal. That kind of thing might have made me leave food on the table without paying. It just takes a few words at the front to explain the action and i guarantee others will not suffer the same indignity if the restaurant cares to stay in business. Saying that is easy in after thought. You did well.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest DianeATL]

So sorry that happened to you Hugs.

You handled it perfectly, there is no accounting for jerks. Now you know where not to spend your money.

If you want one more fleeting shot, send the owners a nice hand written note explaining that what the waiter did was on par with racial slurs or making fun of someone with a birth defect.

Would they fire somebody for that?

I know it hurt but put it behind you and move on.

Hugs

Diane

[Bulldog1948]

So sorry that happened to you Hugs.

You handled it perfectly, there is no accounting for jerks. Now you know where not to spend your money.

If you want one more fleeting shot, send the owners a nice hand written note explaining that what the waiter did was on par with racial slurs or making fun of someone with a birth defect.

Would they fire somebody for that?

I know it hurt but put it behind you and move on.

Hugs

Diane

I agree. The waiter needs to be fired. If the owners allow him to stay there he will continue on with hus slurs and cause them to loose more biz. When you're in biz you can't have a jerk like that working for you.

[Guest LoveBeingMe]

And every time he said it, the people in the next table turned and looked. Embarrassing as heck! I couldn't wait to get out of there. Just tried to keep my composure until I did leave.

Got my mail after I posted above. Had my new bank card with my new picture. And OLD name! Just what I needed!

Last night, had a long cry stretched out on top of the bed. It had been coming for a while. That jerk yesterday just triggered it. Through I suppose a combination of hormones, therapy, and my own ongoing quest to find answers, I've been delving into my past a lot lately. I'm thankful that I have because I'm finding so many answers. I have found that the GD was far more prevalent in my life than I ever realized. But, this has brought back memories which I now can't seem to get out of my head. I am so lucky to be alive. Why am I still alive? It has been bombarding me constantly.

I was once jumped by several guys, kicked in the face, and severely beaten with a baseball bat. I know this from what witnesses told me later. I don't even remember the actual beating. I guess I blacked out. I just remember the excruciating pain of trying to get up off the ground which I couldn't do with out the help of a friend who I know saved my life. I remember the weeks of living on whatever I could suck through a straw, mostly milkshakes, because of the swelling. I had been signed up for four years in the military at the time and went in anyway, but my career was cut short at six weeks due to the back injury. A medical discharge and many years of chiropractic treatments and I still have back problems. This, and other memories I had put behind me just won't go away now.

This morning I even forgot to take my meds until around noon, and I never forget my E. I have forced myself to pay bills, clean house, and I have the paperwork for my birth certificate name change ready to mail. So, I'm feeling much better now. That cry was good for me, I needed it. I'm trying to think of somewhere to go tonight just to get out. Maybe I'll just go for a drive and crank up some good ol rock n roll!

Thank you all for your support!

Hugs to all!

Alana

[Guest Jenn348]

I applied for a law enforcement position recently and had the same thing. I walked in to drop off my application/background packet and got ma'amed by the front desk lady, but the background checker said sir as often as he could wedge it in during the conversation. Despite no criminal record, they said I didn't pass their background...probably better to work elsewhere anyway.

[Guest April Kristie]

I do not want to sound insensitive here and maybe I am being too radical. But you mention telling your group of this restaurant an. Why ddon't your you go down there en masses during his shift and just sweetly overwhelm him with T folk and blow his masculinity out the door?

[Guest LoveBeingMe]

Deanna, that's a good one, give it right back to him.

Thanks Charlie, leaving food on a plate would not be easy for me. LOL I should have though as I didn't enjoy it. I was hungry, and I was determined to pay for it even though I should not have had to. Just a matter of principle I guess.

Thanks Diane, I thought about contacting them, but I think it's better for me to just move on. Otherwise it'll just linger and cause me to worry that much more. I don't need it.

Bulldog, the restaurant is a chain outfit here and I am wondering if they have any kind of employee training for such things. If he does it very many times I'm sure he will be out. Most employer's today would not put up with loosing customers because of him.

Jenn, your right, it's better to move on. You were probably more than qualified, but why work for someone like that if you don't have to. I wish you luck with finding the right position for you!

April, I really like your idea, and there was a time when I would have gone for such a thing. But now, I just want to let it go, and move on. The fight in me isn't gone, just mellowed out.

[Guest LoveBeingMe]

I've thought some more about my past memories. Now, with the hormones I'm seeing things in an all new perspective. That "T" induced macho-ness is absent and it's like I've finally cleaned my glasses. What I am seeing looking back now, the bad things are like I'm so very very lucky, so fortunate, and it scares me. Scares me to the point of chills sometimes.The good things I experienced, the good memories are even brighter and more colorful, meaningful and precious than ever. So, I guess it's just part of the process. Things are well tonight, and I'm mo'vin on.

[Guest KerryUK]

I had something similar happen to me about 3 weeks ago here in the UK. The guy behind the counter in the shop kept on referring to me as 'mate' (here you don't tend to call girls 'mate' but rather 'love', 'darling' etc). Anyway, I didn't do anything then but if that happens again - I will call the person 'sweetie'. That is such a girly thing to call someone (even a girl) and I defy any guy to be mortified. That's going to be my response in the event that happens again.

In your circumstances, I think I would have made a point of getting his attention by calling out 'Waitress' or 'Miss' while obviously waving him over. Then once done, you could say 'Lovely, thanks so much SWEETIE'. I think he would have got the point.

[Guest April Kristie]

After re reading this entire thread, I have a new take on the subject. I was in the nail spa the other day and this rather smallish woman was doing my pedicure, now I have been in situations where you pay for a service and they treat you like a human being in the gender you are presenting, but in this instance I was dealing with the spanish culture, Being that these women live within the machismo culture and perhaps this waiter does also maybe he was sensitive to anyone who might cross that line, Remember kind folks I am 6'8" and 290, I do not do small and cute, when the girl put a Hot towel on me n left to speak in the back with her co worker I heard giggling and high pitched quick talking, I do not speak spanish but thoroughly got it, even tho I do not care, it just has to be the macho culture or just simply young n immature people.

[Guest lillypad]

Everyone gets misgendered here and there no matter how hard they try. When starting transition personally this would happen very often however after 10 months has dissipated quite a lot. Just know who you are on the inside and that's what counts over and above those who are misgendering you.

Hugz

-Lilly

[Sakura]

I married into a quasi Spanish family ( My husband is half Puerto Rican ) I have many Spanish friends . Ranging from Mexican Puerto rican Dominican Equadorian . The thing I notice is Spanish culture is extremely gender specific. Even their language is stuctured to be gender specific. And have extreme Ideas of what are Male and Female traits. They have an uncanny need to gender correctly or what they view as correct . It is just their culture . Love it or hate it.

In the event of what happened to you. He may have not been speaking any louder than normal. You may have precived that he was since he was misgendering you at the time. Anger tends to heighten senses. INstead use being misgendered as a learning expeirence . Figure out what it is that gets you read and work to patch up the holes so it does not happen again.

I am sorry this happened to you. I wish i had better advice for you

[Guest Isabel1991]

What a goof

[tracy_j]

After feeling various emotions on reading through the various posts I must admit the one that I agree with most is that by Sakura.

One thing I have noticed in myself and with most others here is the tendency to be oversensitive to comments and atmosphere (it is a feminine trait anyway!). When out recently passing a group of males I heard every comment they made and subsequently disected every detail (luckily very flattering as it turned out), but it oftens happens in the opposite sense which is not so good (I was out today dressed completely male but with makeup and in the area I was in I think I was taken as gay by many people. I realise why and don't take offense - just inwardly laugh as it is not true but if I were very tired or in a bad mood it could hurt).

You can fight it and raise hell but there are many such people in the world. I would tend to ignore it as you would a child with tantrums! Just don't go there. The chances are that anyone such as that will not be nice to lots of others anyway so trade will fall (do you want to advise their head office why?).

Keep smiling

Tracy x