Emotional knots

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

So far in my new journey things have gone fairly well so far, I have finally accepted who I am albiet not completly yet or I would not be writing this. I have come out to my mother and it couldnt have been any better,total support. I have come out to my best friend of thirty years with another amazing result of unconditional support.

They both shocked me with the amount of true caring and compassion they showed towards me. I kind of feel bad that I did not think them to be so capable and compassionate before coming out to them...I have been blessed.

However I still have this insanely deep rooted fear,I call the original fear (the one that started as a child in my moms clothes) that keeps me from thinking I can go through with this all the way.

The overwhelming feeling of doubt still has a tight grip on me. I know this time this is IT that I am going through with this and I am going to start living as ME, but thats what makes the agony that much worse I now know there is no way out now, I know in my heart that I cant go on this way and I dont want to, but at the same time I am petrified of everything changing and spiraling out of control.

As a man I have built a very structured reliable world that keeps me alive and functioning in society, it is filled with all the needed tools to keep it sustained and on course,it just doesnt allow for Brenda.

But what does it all mean if I dont truly feel happy in it, and I am just living as a well respected man but am a complete and total liar with an empty shell?

How do I overcome the nagging common sense aspect of my male side who is seemingly right about so many things,and knowing that this transision is not going to come without some serious LOSS in more ways than I can imagine. How do I go from a "supposed"well adjusted memeber of "normal" society with the world open to me with endless oppurtunity as a normal man to a much smaller closed off world as a transgender woman? I KNOW I am going to be hated I know my possibilities and opportunities are going to shirnk and I will be stepping into a better world on the inside of myself but the rest of the world is going to spit in my face. It feels like I am walking into a lions den filled with hungry lions,when I dont have to,I could still RUN.

Sometimes I can catch a glimpes in my minds eye of being through all of this and living happy and womanly, having worked through all these fears ,but I still dont know what it is I am doing or did that gave me that happiness. How much of my old life is going to be in my new life ?

If I have not been suicidal over this in the past could that change once I am torrmented by societies lowest, are hormones going to make me feel MORE emotional than I do now? Can hormones make a person feel "right" enough to overcome the destruction of my male world?

I am trading a well structured,albeit empty world for a "complete unknown" it scares the crap out of me, but at the same time I CANT live like this anymore, I need to change how I live and live my life in this truth.

Being this old and knowing exactly how jaded and hurtful the world really is against people like me does not make it any easier,potentialy losing my business and all I have worked for to become societies freak whipping girl doesnt make it any easier either.

In the past after getting my act together from drugs and alcohol, I turned fiercely independent and self reliant with little help from anyone,although it could have had some positive aspects,I just dont know how to give into feeling vulnerable when I think all I have to do is act like a man to fix it again. (which I know it wont) because it hasnt yet.

I am still stuck in this tug of war of sorts, with Brenda for the first time ever absolutely and completly holding her ground and not giving an inch to the old status quo,and that gives me great tears of joy inside I have never felt before, but it is quickly followed by tears of fear and anxiety.

I know this post may seem a bit rambling I just had to put down how I am feeling right now, nobody here is oblidged to try and figure it out.

Sometimes I start crying and all I can do is type it out for now.

Brenda.

[Guest Opal]

Hi Brenda,

You have very good and valid concerns. Some of them can be resolved with an experienced Gender Therapist, the others you will have to decide for yourself as to what is the better path. Many of us are anxious to get started with hormone therapy as a means to answer those questions. Please keep in mind that there are other things one can be working on prior to starting hormones. Voice training and hair removal are both quite important, yet if one decides that transitioning is not going to work out for them, then the impact is not as dramatic as the permanent changes hormones cause.

I wish that there were easier answers for your questions, but in reality, if comes down to the individual. Please do not be afraid to cry if you have a private place to do so. It can work wonders getting it out.

Big Huggs,

Opal

[Charlize]

I really can't make any decisions for you but i can say i understand your fears. When i finally stepped out as myself i simply gave myself up to a higher power and let go of the fear. Before going there i spent time with a therapist and talking to people i knew and respected. I dressed and went into the world out side of my normal world to see if i could survive. Over time i got to the place where i had to make a leap not knowing where i'd land accepting that it wouldn't be perfect in the ways i might like but that i was willing to let go of my old life as necessary. What i found has been that i'm living the same life, mostly doing what i did but doing them as myself without hiding in a gender that has never felt right.

Transition is not for everyone with gender issues. Dressing as the opposite gender or other methods of being oneself are often enough. The hope is that one can find some peace of mind with yourself. I do think that is easier if we can develop some acceptance of life and self before changing gender. For me it was no magic bullet but instead a slow and at times difficult change that just feels right today.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Cyndee]

That was a very well written post Brenda, it really helps to put one's feelings into words here. You can look this up perhaps a year from now and these words might give you a "perspective". I hardly know you, and I can't tell you how to live your life, I won't even try, but your writing gives me a sense of the emotions in play here. I know you are seeing a therapist, others have good suggestions for you, definately make your therapist earn their money .

You said - "It feels like I am walking into a lions den filled with hungry lions,when I dont have to,I could still RUN"

Yes you could run, however I may suggest that you can't run from yourself, albiet you can try and will, that's the problem running from yourself is essentially for others, that will burn you out !!

Hugs

Cyndi -

[Guest LizMarie]

First off, don't assume the negatives. Just don't. Yes, some people have very negative experiences as transgender men or women but lots do not.

Second, assess the areas where you think there will be conflicts or loss. For example, if your place of employment is not likely to accept you, can you find one that is? Would you consider relocating to do so? If so, why? If not, why not?

Look at each of your potential personal losses. Are you willing to accept those losses in exchange to be true to yourself? Some people genuinely conclude that they cannot accept those things and instead choose to live in their birth gender, even though they are often unhappy in doing so. That is a choice that only you can make. No one else can choose for you.

As Cyndi notes, you can try to run, but very few of us succeed in outrunning ourselves. Eventually that inner truth and pain catches up to us.

I am not suggesting that you transition. Perhaps you will, perhaps you won't. What I am suggesting is that you face yourself honestly, stop lying to yourself, and make decisions for yourself instead of for others.

I tried to live my life for others and was miserable for it. Perhaps you can succeed where I failed but in my experience, that's almost never the case.

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

To all who have replied THANK YOU ! I take what you all say with the upmost consideration and realize all of us are different,sometimes I just feel I need some support and validation for how I am feeling so I dont feel so alone,I know this is my journey and choices only I can make...The input from all of you on this site helps me more than you could ever know.

I truly dont want to ever run away,I feel inside that this is the time FINALLY it has come, I tend to worry more now because I know I am actually on the road to finding and living my true self.

Its something I have been always to turn off or shuffle under the rug until "next time". This time the cream has risen to the top and her name is Brenda. The denial has no more power now.

It has switched to the fear of all the new problems I have, but its worth it to me to do this thats exactly why it is so hard I suppose.

I get scared because of my past record of denial and running away had lasted for over thirty years,I dont want the cycle to continue at all I NEED to resolve this once and for all Once the denial was gone I was able to see I face a multitude of challenges I never dreamed of facing before, I know I am ready to do it my actions so far have proven to myself I have the courage,but sometimes I get scared and worry I am going to fail like I did so many times before with this issue. For quite some time now I have been a bundle of mixed tears joyous mostly and then scared. It feels good to cry because for so many years I was unable to,I felt nothing and never cried. Feeling emotionaly indifferent to yourself takes a silent toll.

I enjoy that I have started to feel again I get waves of joy I have not felt in decades if ever before. I have a bright light inside that has been turned on.

I want to do this right at all cost and follow my heart with sound advice.

I have seriously taken all the advice given to me on this site and applied what I felt mattered to me and would help, and by golly I have mustered up the courage to make those steps happen, mainly because of my acceptance,the support here, and all your stories of being able to overcome what I always thought to be impossible.

Forgive me if I seem a bit to needy or clingy and post to much here but it helps me.

I would actually like to see my therapist more but with the holiday schedule it wont happen again until next week. Time flies with her and I fit in as much as I can...

Brenda is an exaggerated worrier no doubt ,but for good reason, the swing set is a lonely place.

Again thank you all for letting me vent my worries and frustration and for making feel a part of something here.

Brenda.

[Guest]

You've been given a lot of good suggestions already, Brenda.

A good GT can help you work through your feelings and doubts.

We've all been there and some of us are still there.

From someone who spent almost 5 decades being boxed.

The spider monkey will eventually become an orangutan and it just won't go back in the box again.

"...... I CANT live like this anymore, I need to change how I live and live my life in this truth."

It sounds like you already know what you need to do, Brenda.

Sometime you just need to "grab the bull by the horns" and go for the ride.

Huggs,

Joann

[Guest]

Let your light shine Girl!

Feel free to vent anytime, that's part of what LP is about.

Huggs,

Joann

[Guest ska girl]

brenda there where times reading your posts it felt as i wrote them myself. i almost even cried. the only thing i can say in terms of advice is what i tell myself when i doubt my ability to handle the fear and anxiety i face with trying to come out: if you cant have comfort in yourself how can you have comfort in the world. if you cant have comfort in the world, how can you seek happiness. if you cant seek happiness then what are you doing. self acceptance is the root of it all. thank you i enjoyed reading very much and i hope each of us can find the courage to realize ourselves .

love,

Annah

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

brenda there where times reading your posts it felt as i wrote them myself. i almost even cried. the only thing i can say in terms of advice is what i tell myself when i doubt my ability to handle the fear and anxiety i face with trying to come out: if you cant have comfort in yourself how can you have comfort in the world. if you cant have comfort in the world, how can you seek happiness. if you cant seek happiness then what are you doing. self acceptance is the root of it all. thank you i enjoyed reading very much and i hope each of us can find the courage to realize ourselves . love, Annah

Thank you Annah you are right. If we cant seek happiness then what are we doing? Accepting who we are is the only way to reach our full potential, everything else is just a street corner shell game.

I wish you well in your journey and hope you may find your happiness.

Brenda Hailey

[Guest kristendk]

Brenda,

A great post--I'm sure it reflects the concerns of many.

On the road of life, fear is a caution sign, not a stop sign. Or something like that.

Have you taken the time to make a "pros and cons" list? Sometimes naming/listing your fears helps you face them. You might even want separate lists for different steps in transition. Then you can proceed to whatever point feels right, when it feels right.

Hugs,

Kristen

[Guest IreneT]

Brenda, I feel your every word and I experienced most of them too. Doubt and fear are all part of making a very big decision concerning your life. I asked God a million times why me. There will be twist and turns and all kind of surprises, some good some bad but trust in yourself that you will make the best decision for YOU. You have one try at life and if this is the way you feel it should be then do what you feel you need to do. You must be true to yourself.

IreneT