Transitioning away from being a transitioner

[Cyndee]

That's what the title says folks, I need to transition away from being a transitioner (still have much to do), but I must also simutaneously create the conditions so I can grow as a woman socially. That's what needs to happen, which means less time here in the land of transitioners online writing about it, and more time living my life in the world of women as a woman. I want to increase her social reach even more. I have a great start, but I feel the unmistakable pull toward real life and growth this coming year, it has to be at this phase of the journey. I'll probably be going to less support group meetings, I'll probably be posting less and less here.

So I'll ask the membership

What are you doing to transition away from being a transitioner ? How are you assimilating into your new life ? How is real life treating you ?

I can tell you I've never been happier to have reached this point, my direction is clear.

Thanks for reading this

Cynthia -

[Carolyn Marie]

Interesting questions, Cynthia. For myself, I do see the end of my activism in the near future. Perhaps another year or 18 months in West Hollywood, perhaps a slowing down here. But that will occur at a slower pace, because I don't see what I do here as activism, but as supporting those who are just starting out their journey, or struggling with it. It's also important to help those who aren't transsexual but who still need support and information.

As for the other two questions, well, I have assimilated pretty darn well. I don't walk around with a T on my forehead, and where I volunteer, the only people who know about that part of my life are the two whom I've told. Others probably know, but it's never been a part of the conversation. I'm just accepted as a woman. Period. Life is good, and I have few fears and no regrets about the choices I've made. My life in retirement is rich, varied and fully occupied. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm happy that you have found peace and contentment in your life, CR. As you drift away from here, know that you're input and warmth and knowledge will be missed, but that you will not be forgotten.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Cyndee]

Carolyn, your friendship and advice here has meant a lot to me over the years, and I have taken a cue from you and my therapist concurs, that volunteering is a great way to extend your social reach. I sort of figure that once my facial electrolysis is finally done (getting close), I may be able to put in a few hours a week to some "cause", great way to meet others that will only know her.

Hugs

Cynthia -

[Guest KimberlyF]

What are you doing to transition away from being a transitioner ? How are you assimulating into your new life ? How is real life treating you ?

I've always had trouble with the phrase 'in transition'. It kinda seems as if there is a definitive start and stop point. This is a single, although overpowering at times, part of the whole me. I kinda think I've been in a constant state of transition since the day I was born and will continue till I die.

But I do understand the question. At some point we need to move on from certain journeys or at least parts of them to maximize our potential. There is the chance of people becoming like the 50yo that is still dwelling on his high school football championship. Do you have anything else in the trick bag you call life?

I may find that certain places or things don't challenge me any more or aren't rewarding in some other way, that it's time to move on. Or decide even if they do, that my time could be more rewarded spent elsewhere. This isn't because I feel that I'm done changing and growing. It's actually the opposite, in that I feel I'm starting to stagnate by lack of movement on my part.

Real life has been getting better all the time. I think asking myself what I need now, what I'll need later and what I may want in the future and incorporating that into the needs first and wants second has helped to lay a clear path.

[Guest chargrl1]

I have to say, your title caught my attention!

There are different phases of transition, in my opinion. The first is your own. Next is the transition other people go through to get used to you. For some that is a short period of time. for others, longer or never.

For me, for people who have not known me in the past; they see me as a woman and don't think of me any other way.

I am here I guess not so much out of the need to be supported, but to see how others are coping with this and perhaps add support to their journey.

Out of all of the forums I have found, this one is probably the best.

Our lives need to be about real life though, and not just lived out on internet forums.

Remember that! Get out there, be yourself and live your life~

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

Well, I have the opposite problem I am trying my best to transition into transitioning.

However I would say that increasing your social reach towards real life is "still" transitioning from whereever you feel you are at right now anyway.

Living life openly as we really are is what this journey is all about (at least for me). Is there a final end to it somewhere down the line? To some degree yes we can all feel more comfortable being accepted in real life but I dont see that EVER ending weather we are transgender or not. We all long to be accepted or the coming out journey would not have been so hard, and so long, for so many.

I suppose we are at opposite ends of the spectrum so to speak,but without "personal real life acceptance" I would not have come to these forums to begin with, finding this place has played a pivotal roll in coping with this.

I understand the importance of leaving the nest,but it just means you finally have the wings to do the job.

It would be a lie to say I do not envy all of you who have fought past it ALL to be where you are at now.

I wish the best for you and may your happiness continue to carry you through.

Brenda Hailey

[JJ]

When I did the thread awhile back about what transition meant to people I was surprised at the wide range and variation in what transition means to each of us. No wonder we sometimes don't understand what each other is saying or have very different opinions about it when we are almost talking about different concepts in many cases and each of us brings their own definition. Maybe one day when all this is more mainstream the terms will have specific meanings but for now they are in flux I think and vary widely.

For myself transition was moving from living as a woman to living as a man. At it's most fundamental. And that has been done. I no longer think of myself in transition in that sense. To transition is to change from one thing to another in some sense and I have done that. To my mind even though I am for financial reasons pre-op and have not changed documents for financial reasons and because the circumstances where I live dictated it was best left till last for my safety and the welfare of my family. That will vary enormously as well -in most cases it is the other way around.

However in another sense I will be making an inner transition for the rest of my life I suspect. Partly because I lived as the other gender so long and had so much past and socialization. It crops up sometimes and things need to evolve slowly to be real and not some form of role playing. My socialization in the other role took a long time-and because it was never right for me in some ways never succeeded-but it would be unreasonable to expect to be able to completely re-socialize in a few weeks or months. It's a years long thing and even then I think only possible because we have also been absorbing the socialization of our true gender unconsciously as well. And because we are hard wired for it so it comes more naturally. Kind of nice in a way that science is refuting that gender as a social construct theory because it is validating our experiences and needs as well. There are social mores built around gender that are cultural and societal but we are finding much of it is instead inborn.

Those things we just have to learn to give ourselves permission to express after years of repression. But again that is not done overnight and it has seemed to me that it is deeply layered sometimes with one discovery within leading to others as I uncover my true reactions and feelings. I am not changing from what society told me I should feel to what society says I should feel differently as a different gender-I am changing from what society expected me to feel to what I really feel instead. And that IS a type of transition.

All that said I am no longer thinking about transition most days. I am just living. And that is in another way moving from being a transitioner to just being a man. Interesting and complex subject

Johnny

[Cyndee]

All that said I am no longer thinking about transition most days. I am just living. And that is in another way moving from being a transitioner to just being a man. Interesting and complex subject

Johnny

Johnny that is beautiful above, and thanks so much my friends (Meg you are dear). I really enjoyed reading all the responses.

It is just living like you said Johnny as opposed to chasing the change or making a change, it's becomes the enjoyment of these efforts. In my case living as a woman amongst women.

For example instead of doing electrolysis on my face each week, I could do any number of things and look forward to getting that time back to spend elsewhere.

In no way do I want to sound like I'm abandoning helping others here, it's just a shift in time and energy that is neccessary for growth. I'd be honored to stay on here and answer when I can.

Hugs

Cynthia -

[VickySGV]

Attitude and not deeds!! It is not my deeds on transitioning that have my attention now that I have for all major purposes crossed over to post transition transition. I have clothing that fits my attitude for each day, and that the clothing is my preferred gender's clothing is no longer new or by class of cloth, exciting. I like what I wear and have to wear, but it looks good as itself, and no longer my "special clothing". I am content with wearing make-up, and have learned to do it effortlessly, but it is something I do, and no longer hunger for. I see the same face in the mirror, and it is no longer "a female face" it is my face, and while mine as never before, I see the aging skin, and not male or female skin. I have a hairdo to maintain, but now I know how that feels, and again it is something to do and not marvel at or speculate about the feel. I used to ask myself at each step of the way, "is this how a natal woman feels" as I see their make-up and hair and what I have done to myself in comparison. While I am jealous of some still, I have sat under a dryer hood, and had goopy concoctions on my head the same as natal women, and did not feel the thrill I had imagined it would be, but have shared conversations, that were more thrilling in a hidden way than just having my hair done. I have been brought into fold so to speak. I love my hair color and hate the fact it is so fine and unstyleable, Even women I envy have admitted to that feeling to me. Wow!! I have a standing, out in the open, hair appointment every five weeks, the same schedule as any other salon client. How's that for having transitioned!!

I have realized in the past year that my being Trans* is no longer important in the bulk of my life. Here on LP my being Trans* is a key to my posting and even the tone of my posts. Offline if I hear misinformation from a cis person about Trans* people the information is important to correct, but to them the message of good information is more important than my being trans*, and I do not use my status as authority. I use female demeanor toward them, and female speaking styles, and do get my message across, but I am no longer important to the message. A point I am happy about. I am joining some activist groups, but I am more of an ally today that subject of the activity. By transitioning I did close a door to parts of my past life but it was due to happen and only mildly regretted, those parts I need to replace, but their bedrock will work for TG kids as well.

My attitude though is one of peace with myself and happy to be with people at any part of the human spectrum. I no longer must claim Trans*, and am happy to claim life without that need.

[KathrynJulia]

Cyndi

What an excellent topic. I feel it to. I'm ready to stop transitioning for good. My life is almost becoming mundane these days. All that is left is SRS and if it happens, so be it this year. I'm fast approaching a time where I will be too old to risk surgery. And if that is what God has planned for me, I don't plan on losing a moment of sleep over it. This year is it for me. But this year has been an amazing experience for me. I'm celebrating 6 months of RLE and that has become almost mundane as it's becoming just another day. I have more girlfriends now than I ever had friends when I lived my life as a guy. I find acceptance on the job and amongst all my family and friends.

Wow, I never expected to be that lucky. Now I just consider myself as one of the girls. 20 years ago, I worked in a lab with all woman who used to tell me I was just one of the girls and I used to go home and cry wishing that was so. Today thats become my reality and I'm truely grateful for my life. Cyndi, I've found happiness and contentment in life. I'm no longer transitioning. Like you, I've transitioned. I don't need to go any further to be happy. It's time to stop transitioning and really just live life and be happy as me. I'm now really one of the girls. Kathryn

[JenniferB]

I don't even notice I transitioned anymore unless I get misgendered. There are more things I'd like to do, but I just live as me. Gender Dysphoria isn't dominating my head like it used to. I remember when it was unrelenting 24/7 that I had to transition. Now I live as a woman and that's the way I see myself, not a trans woman. I'm fairly integrated right now, and life is back to normal. No more obsession with transitioning.

{{{Hugs}}}

Jenny

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

I'm just doing. I was here religiously when I first went full time talking about all my fun and exciting new adventures in my new awesome role and how fun and fabulous it is to finally be myself and be accepted as a member of the female tribe..but then those fun and exciting new adventures became dull, boring and repetitive and I started dwindling on my adventures because I've had so many as a girl to replace the ones I had as a guy that there was nothing new to report.

And so it happened, life with the male facade was slowly replaced with life now. Old experiences replaced with new girl experiences and now I'm so used to being a girl that I've mostly forgotten what it was like to be a guy. Things that were new and discussion-worthy are now normal every day things that now seem boring when I begin to type it up so I end up just deleting it all instead.

[Guest April Kristie]

My SO said to me the other day about the transition experience. Well, when you finally get what you want....I have what I want do you see monkeys and fireworks shooting out of my backside? Well, at times I have heard a firework or two but no apes! She is right tho, we all want that peace of mind to live within the role of our choosing, after that it's life as usual. Just in that role, Cynthia, I get it, you are post transition, perhaps now is the time to give yourself back the time that all this has "taken" from you, if you will. Now you can concentrate more on the day to day, social skill building, free association of your true gender? I suppose a lot cause I only know about what you have posted, but it sounds like a plausible solution.

[Guest BeckyTG]

Great topic.

One way to look at this is a person's mental state. By definition, a transexual is one who is experiencing dysphoria with their physical appearance.

This distress is constant, pervasive, deep and unrelenting. It's there whether you're driving, watching a movie, cooking an egg or lying in bed. It may come and go in cycles, but it's always there.

The "transition" is the part of the journey that makes this dysphoria go away. As a person makes the transition journey, the distress becomes less and less.

At some point, it goes away. Many post-ops have reported that the minute their eyes opened after surgery, the brain was clear.

Now, the one thing that has dominated all your thoughts is no longer there. Cigarette smokers with a 2-pack a day habit are haunted by the urge to light up. Becoming a non-smoker involves overcoming those urges to the extent that they never appear again. One no longer desires or thinks about having a smoke.

For some, continued involvement with others struggling with transexualism or GID can create conflicts with ridding the brain of these thoughts.

The "triggers" that brought on gender obsession, such as seeing women's intimate clothing in a store or an attractive female dressed nicely begin to go away. At some point, these sights are just things.

Further along, a person might even feel awkward in the men's clothing section. That's a sign of progress for some.

In order to better adapt and develop personally, thoughts and goals need to be aligned with activities outside of the realm of the GLBT community for some people.

There may come a time when that original "transition" is so far distant in the memory that being around people with GID is just another experience and has no "triggers" left in the brain.

Everyone needs to work at personal development. It's a wonderful thing. Helping others sometimes brings fulfillment, other times it just gets the helper deeper in the muck.

We all need to decide for ourselves what's best for us. We're all different.

It's important that we cheer each other on, no matter which way others are going.

[Cyndee]

Thanks again to all who took the time to respond to this, I really enjoyed reading all of the wonderful insights.

I keep thinking how much better it really is, to have made the effort to correct and address my GD, so onward into 2014 and beyond, with more clarity, and hope.

Hugs,

Cynthia -

[Guest BeckyTG]

Cynthia, best of luck to you.

Remember, don't look in the rearview mirror. That's not where you're going.

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

Remember, don't look in the rearview mirror. That's not where you're going.

This is a brilliant quote.

[Guest LizMarie]

Cynthia, best of luck to you.

Remember, don't look in the rearview mirror. That's not where you're going.

Love that quote, Becky!

Cynthia,

I suspect in one sense we are always in transition, especially those of us doing so later in life. We have so much to unlearn, so much to learn, plus we end up seeing a unique perspective that neither cisgender males nor cisgender females usually see.

And yes, in another sense, "transition" has what most of us can call identifiable "start" and "end" points.

So I think your post was very thoughtful - transitioning away from being transition. The focus changes and transition is no longer the central focus.

I hope that your 2014 is as wonderful for you as 2013 was and that as you "transition away from transitioning" you experience the joy of being at peace with yourself.

[Guest lis8290]

This is late to come in on this thread. There are allot of posts but i will answer the first post.
For me at 14 years post op. I in retrospect understood that I from birth had the brain of a woman. However being raised as male and the onset of puberty was a utter disaster as it is for most of us.
I lived as an androg for most of my life and my gender was often confused and ambiguous .I wore clothes as baggy as possible to hid up my body (i still do today..lol..but for different reasons) However to get back to the topic I truly believe we grow into women both socially and biologically as our hrt changes not only our bodies but the ways in which we think and react. I thing transition can be a terrible time but also a very exciting time also. It can be full of drama and adventure. I know a number of trans women who do not do Srs because I know they work in the sex work business and they prize their mixed gender. I think this is some what sad as it is predicated by market demand rather than personal choice. sad stuff I think. However my commitment to my womanhood overshadowed any sort of other priorities i may have had for better or worse.
I remember the exact day that the "penny dropped" for me regarding my gender and that was the day i met a transgender woman real time at a gender support group. I had met many cross dressers and gender ambiguous people but never really related .Well i related to the gender ambiguous people particularly female slanted people but when I met a fully transgendered woman I knew for sure as I saw myself reflected in her like a mirror back to me. So I did my 2 years on hrt living as fully as a woman and make allot of mistakes as we all do because I just did not know how to be a woman really although there was this light in my brain that said i was a woman since i was a child. You all know what I mean I am sure. However as i hit the 5 year mark things really started to change for me big time. I ad a mentor ,a genetic female my girlfriend who helped me enormously to learn the language of womanhood.
I became fully a woman through her and I so much do recommend that trans people have a genetic friend of the gender of their being. I owe much to this woman .Unfortunately she passed some 8 months ago to my great grief.
However thats a different thread. My point is that we grow into women fully and it takes allot time .
Its for me like a completion backwards principal as I personally had to learn all the female rules in order to break them.If that makes any sense as most women always break the female rules as they become more themselves.
Today i live as in some ways before transition. Sometimes my gender presentation is still ambiguous although it was not for many years. I wear baggy cargo pants and sloppy layered shirts ,make up and walk round with racsack all kinda mixed presentation. The paradox is that5 no one ever mistakes me for a male or questions my gender. I think it has allot to do with the learned self confidence we gain as we grow totally into women.
Like a language we learn than we forget ,than we are truly ourselves we no longer need trainer wheels on our gender bicycles.
We are eventually free. That freedom can sometimes be not its all cracked u
Thats a world away from being a woman with male genitals. I have nothing against trans women who choose a non op path at all.
However for me it was a commitment to be fully a woman for all the ups and downs that entailed. The loss of some privileges and the gain of others.
To answer the original question eventually we do forget we where ever the gender assigned at birth. I personally have forgotten who that young guy was.
Its hard sometimes for us because the loss involved in thoes years was substantial. I am sometimes asked about menopause when i buy my hrt.
I often just say hot flushes etc....but yeah it can leave you like a big slab of your life is blank.
Lucky from where i come from my gender is changed on my birth certificate. It has been a great help to me particularly as i travel allot and do not live in the country of my birth.
It avoided allot of uncomfortable questions.
But yeah we grow into women......it takes a long time but eventually you forget and maybe that is a very successful reassignment and outcome,because I have become a woman.
There is no question about this.

[Guest Melissa~]

I think this goes to the heart of some peoples goal is to "transition."

With the obvious caveat that it's never quite "done," transition is not a destination. My destination is retired in Hawaii with a modest house, a spouse, and sipping exotic drinks in a nice sundress on the beach, daily. That doesn't have a heck of a lot to do with transition, it's just an obstacle to getting to my destination. It's true that I am unlikely to ever be a community leader since I am not working towards that.

[Cyndee]

My destination is retired in Hawaii with a modest house, a spouse, and sipping exotic drinks in a nice sundress on the beach, daily.

I'll join ya for a drink sometime Say Kona coast ?

[Sakura]

Transition the way you know it. I think ends when. One no longer needs validation from the community. Instead seeking personal validation from thier peers and attempting to intergrate into thier new social role.

I my self do not need the constant companionship the trans community at large. To tell me i am "doing it ". I do how ever realize that being transsexual will remain apart of me forever. I was sexed male at birth . Raised to be male up until i came out at 20. I can not escape this. It is that experience that makes me, me. I chose to not let it be what defines me as a person or rule my life.

I did not attempt to transition away from being a transitioner . It just sorta happened . I knew coming into this that I wanted to be know as a woman and not a transsexual. In this I embedded my self into female social circles aquired female friends . Instead of looking at them as some thing i wanted to be I began viewing them as my peers. The more I learned the more it blew my mind that I really had no clue in the beginning . Being a woman is now not like second nature to me it is my only nature. I identify and sympathize with the struggles that all women face. My social transition was over along time ago , They only thing left for me is SRS . I need it to finish my own personal intergration with my mind and body.

Then it is another transition I imagine from physically sexed male to phsically sexed female. I have gone from one transition to the next.

Boy to Woman

Woman to Wife

Son to Daughter ,

I think life is transition. So in that i don't think it is ever done.

Sakura

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

I agree with just about everything Sakura wrote. (and to think she doubted me when I called her an intelligent young lady)

[Guest LizMarie]

Me too, Lizzie. I love reading Sakura's posts. She is a wise young woman.

[Sakura]

Well.... I do have my moments