The Proper Treatment of Transgendered People in the Workplace

[Guest KellyKat]

Starting as of September of 2013 I was able to have full use of the ladies rooms at work AND was finally addressed by the female pronouns for the first time. This was after over a full year of RLE at work. I am still pre-op. But I have been presenting as fully female for almost three years now. Since I had decided to transition on the job, they knew me in my former male self before HRT. So I can understand their difficulties in knowing how to proceed with my transition. My main problem was that even though HR backed me up for being able to be free to be myself - they would not acknowledge me in any way as female. To their thinking I was male up and only to the time I would have my SRS and have my birth certificate changed. So in the meantime they did not have to call me by female pronouns and could not enforce anyone else to do so either. This caused me so much mental turmoil for a year of unintentionally insults that I had to bite my tongue on. The following is the letter I drafted for the corporate office when I got tired of being sidestepped at my location. I blanked out the personal information but here is the rest in its entirety.

To whom it may concern:

My name is Kelly ___________. I sit hear writing this letter with a heavy heart. I am not one who likes to stir the waters or cause turmoil. Rather I hope that the following will bring you further insight and understanding into my dilemma. I am a transgender woman working at your ______, Illinois facility. I have had and continue to to have an ongoing dialog with the HR personal there about my transition. It has been both a positive and a negative for me. I was able to start my RLE (Real Life Experience) at work one year ago. I have presented and acted fully female all that time. For that is truly who I am am, a female with a birth defect (as I call it). I had had discussion with HR prior to that event. Giving them early warning and an opportunity to engage in my coming out phase. At that time my breast development from hormone treatment was pretty evident. The use of sports bras and heavy T-shirts no longer seemed to help. They seemed to be supportive and encouraged me to be myself. I dress and fully adhere to the female dress code at work and am happy to do so. In all fairness I did have a couple of mishaps with the dress code early on while I was getting used to the policy. One with my bra straps showing with a sports tank. Another with a top that had cutouts on the shoulder. I covered both times with the light sweater I always try too keep in my locker. I can still be feminine while within these guidelines with no problem.

As of the writing of this letter I still have two major problems with my transition. The use of the women's bathroom and the use of the correct pronouns directed toward me. I have been told that neither will become available to me until I have gotten a corrected birth certificate on file. This has caused me much pain and anguish over the last year. I feel as though I have only been permitted to have half of a life. On on hand I have been able to dress and act in the manner appropriate for a female. On the other I have to try to 'sneak' into the male restrooms out on the floor to relieve myself.

I always use the stall so that I may have privacy. I wouldn't use the urinal at any rate, I'm a lady. If someone comes in while I am in there I will find myself waiting until they have left again before I myself come out. This is to avoid embarrassment to myself and to my fellow employees. If you could only imagine how it feels to be so humiliated to be a woman in the men's room. It makes me feel so vulgar. I try to wait until everyone goes on break, then use my break time to relieve myself in one the men's room out on the floor. I even limit my intake of water to try to avoid the use of the bathroom, but as one of my prescriptions is a diuretic this is not always possible. We currently have four satellite bathrooms out on the work floor. Why can't at least one of them near my home department be declared (even posted, if you must) trans accessible on the women's side? At least start getting the female employees used to me using the lady's room. Then when I do have my birth records corrected it won't be as big of a shock to all involved for me to use the main or any other female facility.

My second problem is in the use of the proper pronouns directed toward me. I am a female, dispite what my birth records indicate. I do not waffle back and forth between genders. I present as fully female every minute of every day. I am a woman while I work, shop, work in my yard, or pay my bills. I do not even own any male clothing other than shoes as it is difficult for me to find them in my female size. Even these are of a unisex design though. Except for my not having had the proper corrective surgeries yet I am still a woman through and through. All my friends know me and address me as a female in and out of work. Yet at every juncture and at every level at work I am addressed as male. He, him, sir, et al. Even when I politely say back to the people that I am being insulted by that or that they are hurting my feelings I still get the same pronouns directed towards me over and over. I feel so belittled and ashamed from this. It is probably the biggest way you could ever insult me. Yet whenever I approach HR about it I am informed that they cannot make people use the female pronoun towards me, or to even have them be gender neutral by just calling me Kelly. This only further deepens the anguish I feel. I could be having the best day ever then have a male pronoun directed against me, it feels like a slap in the face.

______ claims to be an advocate to a growing diverse culture. I am told that you are a trans advocate. You even have that stated in so much in your employee nondiscrimination and equal opportunities policies and videos. The Respect Video was the last one that I have seen, which is also the one that has made me so frustrated with my situation. I have been told that ______ and the HR department stand behind me and my ongoing transition. That they fully understand and back my moving forward toward in my transition. So I ask how is that I feel like I am getting little to no respect for myself? I feel much more like I am 'tolerated' at work rather than understood. It only seems like I will be able to have the respect that I deserve only upon my full completion of my transformation. In part of the U. S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission's Sexual Harassment statement - "...harassment is illegal when it is so frequent or so severe that it creates a hostile or offensive work environment." Illinois law also provides that gender identity is covered in their laws that prevent workplace discrimination. Why then is it so hard for me to be able to be treated with respect and dignity at my own workplace?

When something so simple as being able to use the correct bathroom or even easier the use of a correct pronoun directed towards me is denied. Or held off until my transition is complete and my file is updated. How then am I to feel respected at work until that time? Every use of the wrong name is a deep and powerful insult to me. Yet every time I am told by HR that there is nothing to that can be done. "that no one is trying to hurt my feelings". Yet they are. I love working for _____ and do thank you for having let me come this far. But the process that you have placed me in for my transition is by and far backwards to any transition at work process that I have ever read about by any Fortune 1000 company or any government agency. The simple rights that I have been asking for are traditionally granted with the onset of one's RLE - not a year later - not after the completion of their transition. But at the beginning.

I fully understand that you have a large and diversified work force to contend with but the basic rights of all people should be made to be top consideration. Not just those of the main masses. When it comes to common courtesy or respect. No one should be denied or put on hold.

Sincerely: Ms Kelly ___________

Sorry for the length. That is the exact letter i had made for corporate. I instead allowed my building director and HR to 'preview' this before I sent it off. They appreciated that very much and forwarded it on their own. They warned that I might not get the answers that I was looking for. I told my director I meant no disrespect, but I was willing to pursue any action I needed to, to promote change. A few days later I was called into HR. They told me that corporate would follow all the suggestions I had laid out in my letter!!!! The pronoun usage would change immediately. Though on paper I would remain male until post - op documentation was provided, but in person I was to be addressed as female. They were concerned that people might slip up and offend. I told them, and still hold to this, that I do not mind slip ups - it's a learning process. I appreciate the effort it takes for folks that knew me before to retrain themselves to the new pronoun usage. The bathroom took longer and they warned it would. Corporate and legal had to work out how to address this issue not for just the building I worked in but the entire network. Around a month or so after the letter HR called me back in. They told me that corporate had looked at all the options. From building a new single stall just for me, trans inclusive signage, allowing only one bathroom for my use, et.al. They had decided that I would be granted full restroom access to any and all of the ladies rooms, at a set time after they had made an official 'coming out' statement at our next agenda meeting. They did just as promised and during the next meeting brought up the respect series that had we had recently had and went on to tell of my being trans and how I had been going through my RLE and as part of that I would be allowed full bathroom usage and be addressed as the gender I presented - female. Anyone who had any questions or objections were welcomed to come to HR and discuss.

In the end I had two ladies quit talking to me. This was a shock as they had presented as good friends up until that time. But no problems with any other employees or supervisors before or since. I just blended in with the rest of our female workers. I became so much happier and at ease at work. The dread I felt every time I walked through the doors just melted away. I may be a long ways from finish my journey to my satisfaction, but now I'm seen more as me I truly am - inside and out.

[Guest Leah1026]

You said: "To their thinking I was male up and only to the time I would have my SRS and have my birth certificate changed."

Don't fool yourself into thinking SRS with magically change them, it won't.

You said: "I still have two major problems with my transition. The use of the women's bathroom and the use of the correct pronouns directed toward me."

I think you meant INCORRECT pronouns, that was the problem.

Why didn't you mention the fact that Illinois includes gender identity in their anti-discimination legislation? I think that passed in 2005(?). Thus they were in violation of state law.

[Cyndee]

Congrats Kelly, indeed standing up for yourself has paid off.

While far from perfect, it's getting better in the work place by and large.

For myself, I transitioned on the job last June. The company I work for has updated policies and a progressive culture. When I traveled to HQ last fall, I used ladies rooms, was addressed properly, had no issues aside from a few "slip ups" with my name. Workinig as my true self feels fabulous and I am quite grateful for these circumstances.

Best of luck to you Kelly,

Cyndi -

[Charlize]

Thanks for standing up for yourself. You have helped all of us. Your company policy seems great. The official name and gender change will allow them to change your paperwork to female. It is like all my medical stuff, while the changes are pending until complete i'll be him on paper. It is odd sometimes when a new nurse comes into a room with my chart and thinks she has the wrong room. This kind of awkwardness seems easy to deal with if the support such as you now have is present. It takes some folks a long time with pronouns. I know i have made mistakes with my trans friends and i do know better. Something in our brains is really wired into gender non fluidity.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Drea]

Independent of birth certificate, there is other identification (driver's license) and passport that one could have with corrected gender and also Social Security information. It seems to me if one had legal name change all that documentation changed they were obligated to update their records to reflect the correct legal data.

Why didn't you mention the fact that Illinois includes gender identity in their anti-discimination legislation? I think that passed in 2005(?). Thus they were in violation of state law.

Personally I think bringing such up is a double edge sword and is best avoided unless one has no other choice. Sure it could get action but it also will be seen as an implied threat. It also can get an employer viewing one as a potential liability.

My feeling is that if one can't get this resolved with common sense logic (such as the legal documentation changes) and asking for reasonable accommodation for the medical issue, expressing willingness to be flexible for issues like restroom for a period of adjustment, and expressing desire to put this behind oneself to better focus on being a productive employee without such distractions (don't forget who is paying who) and one has to reach for a stick, one probably should start actively looking to move on to something better even if the stick makes them cave cause such sticks don't foster good employer/employee relationships.

[Carolyn Marie]

Congratulations on getting things changed and working through the company's own systems to accomplish it. You certainly have more patience than I could ever have mustered.

Your situation does point out the need for any of us in similar workplace situations to be fully informed of the rules and laws that apply; not only company rules, but state and local regulations and laws as well. Drea makes a good point about using your other forms of legal identification to press the point about changing your documents. My question to HR in your scenario would have been this; do you ask for any other employee's birth certificate upon hiring, or do you rely on the Drivers License and Social Security Card?

All's well that ends well, and your situation seems to have ended well. I'm sorry it took this long, but you stuck it out and in the process, made it easier for the next trans person in your company. And there will be a next person, you can be sure. Congrats!

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest KellyKat]

I don't.

Hence the letter. I'm working for a company that is in it's fledgling stages insofar as the treatment of LGBT issues are concerned. They try to talk the talk but need to be informed that they are not walking the walk. Their intentions are good. They are just in totally new waters from their prospective. And I view my SRS as for me. Not for my company's approval. Basic rights and respect should not be put on hold pending a final outcome. They need to be given from the onset and through out the entire process of transition. I felt I was not being respected, even though they felt that were doing me no harm. My letter resolved this at this point in time.

Why didn't you mention the fact that Illinois includes gender identity in their anti-discimination legislation? I think that passed in 2005(?). Thus they were in violation of state law.

Um, I did.

"______ claims to be an advocate to a growing diverse culture. I am told that you are a trans advocate. You even have that stated in so much in your employee nondiscrimination and equal opportunities policies and videos. The Respect Video was the last one that I have seen, which is also the one that has made me so frustrated with my situation. I have been told that ______ and the HR department stand behind me and my ongoing transition. That they fully understand and back my moving forward toward in my transition. So I ask how is that I feel like I am getting little to no respect for myself? I feel much more like I am 'tolerated' at work rather than understood. It only seems like I will be able to have the respect that I deserve only upon my full completion of my transformation. In part of the U. S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission's Sexual Harassment statement - "...harassment is illegal when it is so frequent or so severe that it creates a hostile or offensive work environment." Illinois law also provides that gender identity is covered in their laws that prevent workplace discrimination. Why then is it so hard for me to be able to be treated with respect and dignity at my own workplace?"

I felt that a veiled threat was more effective at this juncture than 'demanding' my rights through legalise. I just implied enough for them to know that I had a full understanding of the courses of action I had available if this situation was not resolved. It's much better if common ground can be found in a peaceful dialog where everyone benefits. Remember I still have to work for these folks. I didn't need to burn any bridges that would harm me more in the long run. I need a respectful employer as much as they need productive employees. Their bottom line comes down to is it easier to work with a person that they have invested time and money training, or to simply find someone to replace them with. There is no shortage of people looking for work in my area. And on a personal note. I thought that it was fitting that I be respectful in my desire to gain respect at my job. Just saying......

[Guest KellyKat]

Independent of birth certificate, there is other identification (driver's license) and passport that one could have with corrected gender and also Social Security information. It seems to me if one had legal name change all that documentation changed they were obligated to update their records to reflect the correct legal data.

In my case there has been no name change. I was Kelly, am Kelly, and will be Kelly. I got a lucky name from birth. lol I will change the middle name at some point but it's not a big issue as it is just an initial on all my documents. I'm in the process of getting a state ID card with my proper gender marker. I have the DMV's form filled out by my doctor to get this but I need to arrange a ride on my next day off that they are open. I have no drivers licence or passport so this will be my only photo ID.

My feeling is that if one can't get this resolved with common sense logic (such as the legal documentation changes) and asking for reasonable accommodation for the medical issue, expressing willingness to be flexible for issues like restroom for a period of adjustment, and expressing desire to put this behind oneself to better focus on being a productive employee without such distractions (don't forget who is paying who) and one has to reach for a stick, one probably should start actively looking to move on to something better even if the stick makes them cave cause such sticks don't foster good employer/employee relationships.

My thoughts exactly. I needed to be respected. But I need my job as well. It's hard to transition without employment.

[Guest CassieX]

Congratulations Kelly on taking the steps you needed to get your company to treat you the way you ought to have been treated in the first place. For everyone, their path to acceptance and respect within the workplace is different but I do feel that not taking steps and accommodation for fear of offending others should be used sparingly as the longer you wait in limbo, the harder it is for others to accept the change when it inevitably comes. Thoroughly researching the non discrimination policies and other corporate information, then firmly using it to have your needs addressed might have been a better course.

Being a Federal worker, my story is a little different but the main points still apply just as strongly in corporate America. When I first came out at work, I had already changed my name and had just updated my drivers license, a move that firmly declared my intent to start living as me 24/7 and officially starting my RLE, being out at work the last thing needing to be done. A week later I informed my HR and told them that I needed to speak to my superintendent and informed her of my intent and provided them with documentation of what my rights were under federal law. The whole reasonable accommodation of continuing to use (in my eyes) the wrong rest room lasted 20 days which was the time they needed to give training to the workforce in my area and educate them. There was no nastiness involved, no threats or bullying, just polite persistence and firmness on my part and compliance and great support from them. The key was educating HR, upper management and the workforce on a few basic facts about transgender people as well as directly engaging the EEO representatives in my organization and making sure they were up to speed on the current law. In my experience inaction usually comes from ignorance of the policies or law, not deliberate discrimination.

Once again, Good luck in your journey, for me it's been nothing short of amazing

/Hugs

Cassie

[Guest BeckyTG]

My advice would be to always leave out any reference to laws or legal rights, when introducing transition in the work place.

It's fine to use the company's own diversity policy, that's their rules and holding them to it is right.

Drea is correct, bringing the law into it might be seen as a veiled threat and there's no point in using a cannon to get rid of a fly.

Learning the art of negotiation is helpful in this situation. One of the rules is you never expose all the cards in your hand if it's not necessary. Use only the cards needed to get each task accomplished and be willing to give the appearance of compromising.

Some may say that you have rights and you can bring the law to bear. That's true. It's also true that you don't want to be the one to introduce conflict into the work place. That can cause some people to feel threatened, even if they're not. This might lead to the dreaded "stamp collection", where a supervisor starts documented every little thing you do that's not right. That's the collection. When it gets big enough, a case can be built to legally get rid of you.

The law works both ways. It's always better to win hearts than to bust heads.

In the battle between the rock and the water, the water always wins. So, be water. Water is gentle, but firm. Water is consistent, but relentless.

Be an asset they can't be without. Do a better job than anyone else. Be the one they want to save, because they'd have a terrible time replacing you. Be all about them.

Hard to argue that one.

[KathrynJulia]

Hi Kelly

Every job situation is a microcosm of it's own. I was willing to use a unisex bathroom for faculty use until folks were accustomed to me living full time. It was my departmental supervisor who told me to go ahead and use the nearest ladies room. She couldn't understand the issue as their are stalls that offer privacy and after FFS, I pass just fine even with young eagle eyed students. They don't pay any attention to me. Now it's old hat. I only have one employee who has given me the silent treatment ever since I came out. He can't handle my transitioning. It bothers me some, but not everybody is going to understand.

Kelly, you handled the situation well. You appealed to their sense of fairness and explained what the culture was doing to you that was negatively affecting your health and wellness. There was a study that was released in September of last year where they studied companies that covered Trans benefits versus companies who were non supportive. Companies who deny Trans Related Healthcare see higher costs than companies who offer Trans Related health Insurance benefits. It was authored by the Williams Institute and the same premise applies here. By denying you respect and accomadation as a woman, they were negatively affecting your health and Well being and that affects their bottom line. A little accomadation was the right thing to do. I'm glad it's working out for you Kelly. Congratulations on moving things forward and being an excellent ambassador for our community. Kathy