The "what now?" issue

[Guest Anomaly]

I think for most (if not all) of us here; there was that moment where you figured out who you were and/or who you wanted to be and we asked ourselves ok, so what do I do now?

There's the traditional checklist I guess. Do internet research, talk to someone about it, coming out, transition (if applicable), honestly it's a long list and it varies for everyone.

I've done some of my "checklist" but I'm at the "what now?" stage for myself where I'm just a bit lost. I've done my research, I've come out to a few people and now I'm not sure what's next for me. I know my journey isn't even close to being complete (I doubt it ever is for anyone) but I'm left not really knowing how to proceed or if I should/need to go further.

I want to grow and feel better about myself.

Thus far I've figured out that I identify as transgender, which is a large umbrella. I feel more male than female but I don't hate being female. That I prefer men but can be attracted to anyone and I have no interest in conventional hetero relationships.

The thing is I never felt the need to hide my personality because of my gender (thank you mom), even though it caused me a lot of problems socially. But it did take me a long time to sort out why I felt and acted the way I did.

My appearance is another matter. As a pre-teen and teen I crossed dressed often. However, an unfortunate incident caused me to stop, though I maintained a tomboy look. As a young adult I thought that maybe I would feel better about myself if I embraced my girly side a bit more and I tried for a long time but it just made me depressed. So now I'm trying to find a way to dress more masculine but I'm not sure how far I want to take it. Not even sure how far over the border I'll go before I'm happy, so right now baby steps.

Finding someone to talk to is proving the hardest. Mostly because I'm a stay-at-home-parent, my social interactions are limited. I'm on the shy side and uncomfortable in large groupings, I also find it very hard to find like-minded people... What I've done for that is come here and I've looked into my local Pride center and will sign up so some counselling. They also have a variety of social meet-ups and the like and I'm working up the courage to go to one.

So ya, that's my "what now?".

I'm curious what were other peoples "what now?"s and how that worked out for some of you or maybe you're trying to figure it out?

[Michelle 2010]

Well my dear, I think you are on the right path. Indeed, we must take our interior private selves out into the world at some point, right? So the lgbt/pride center is a good idea for sure. Additionally, you touched on something I would do if i was socially isolated... Meet-up groups... from kayaking to book discussion groups, there are wrenches for every nut lol! Locally, we have trans and lesbian social groups doing activities. My church is very progressive. That is an option.... Unitarian Universalists, Unity, MCC and others... Gotta get into the world where we are accepted

Oh, and once contact and such are made, don't forget Skyping with friends... That can be done with the children in the background... Just keep the pool fence up and the little ones safe!

Michelle

[JJ]

For myself it wasn't that I ever hated being female. I just had to work harder at any kind of social interaction than anyone I knew and I always felt so wring somehow. So uncomfortable around other people. There was much -so much-that was actually GD I thought was unrelated and being an introvert with a high intelligence. And inside I lived as a male in my head. Nt because i hated being female but because I just couldn't help it. Could never daydream or anything female. Used to scare me and I never breathed a word about it even in therapy. Nor did I connect the depression and hating my body to GD. Thought I hated my body because it just never quite did as I wanted and because I have always had some health problems that made the active outdoor way I lived difficult sometimes.

Many of us learn to adapt and displace from the time we are young. Often without realizing it. I thought of myself as a woman with a man's brain-thanks to a diagnosis by a psychologist 45 years ago to whom I had not even disclosed-but also found ways to live with it. Did what I had to do and found things in the female world I could appreciate and enjoy. Also did always live children and being a mother-my daughter now tells me I was always more of a father-and the hormone washes of pregnancy I think had an effect as well. As I came to terms with this I moved ever down the spectrum-I first speculated I was bi-gender-till I have found a new comfort and freedom and recognize I am indeed male. All male. Everything else was learned to cope. But for awhile it was as though every time I peeled away a layer I found a new one beneath that eventually peeled away too. This varies for all of us but I think for those who have had children and lived that kind of female life it may be even more complex.

Your experience may be entirely different -my advise though would be to give yourself permission to be whoever you turn out to be. To embrace and accept yourself each step and to take it slow. It doesn't have to be figured out today-in fact it can't. But there is no need to commit to anything ir timetable for figuring it out. You have all the time it needs-and it needs time. Tool me months to commit to transition and years transitioning and I am still finding truths I buried or evaded. Freeing myself though often it also feels like soaring free at last.

And sometimes because this is stressful we just need to pause and be who we are right then. What we need to do next will usually come on time. And a gender therapist can be an invaluable guide in figuring it all out as well as deciding what you need to do next.

Johnny

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

I too am in my "what now".After coming to the same realizations you have doing much of the same research, coming out to select family and friends,finding and seeing a therapist.

I am currently single and live alone so I dont have many people to express all my feelings to either. Talking with the therapist is good but not often enough it seems and talking to friends and family helps somewhat but they are just as confused if not more than I am about all of this. It would be wonderful to be able to be with someone who knows and understands for sure.

Maybe there is a purpose for me being alone at this time,and that I may find what I truly need for myself without having to rely on someone else.

I just dont know what or how far transition could/should go when I take that leap... I do however find myself moving towards that goal in everything I do now, without giving to much thought as to weather it is wrong because it does feel like the right thing to do. It is a series small steps that are leading me further and further to who I really am,and in doing so making it harder and harder to ever go back to the way I was.

So far in the process I have grown a great deal and much happier in so many ways, it is fear that is my biggest enemy more than anything else.

Myself I have been looking into and thinking about a group or social meeting to meet with people who understand what I am going through,but at the same time I am still unsure if I am ready for that either as I to am uncomfortable in groups settings for reasons going back to my childhood.

Laura's Playground has been pretty accepting and allows me to express my sometimes incoherent feelings so that I can at least keep the emotions from being bottled up like they were for so many years.

So what now? I am just being the most and best I can be each day as I awake, every little thing I do to be myself helps me to better myself for the long run,even if "right now" still seems so far away.

Who I am at this very moment is far from perfect or even where I envision I want to be, but the big steps I have already taken and the minute steps I take each day are all adding up to a "result" even if I dont fully realize the overall impact they have at the moment.

Dressing as I need to dress as often as I can and expressing the woman I feel I am on the inside as often as I can on the outside, helps to keep me loving myself and moving forward. Dressing,saying and doing the many things I once thought impossible is now becoming easier and easier and opening the door a little further each time to do more and more in the future.

Its all I can really hope for at this point, refusing to ever go back or give up all that I have realized and gained so far is really what makes my life worth living at this point.

There is hope in a future even if I am to confused and screwed up most of the time to really see it fully expressed.

Ya I am still trying to figure it out ,but I know without any doubt I am way better off now than when I was denying who I really am. <----this fact alone is all the evidence I should need that I am going in the right direction,but the unknown of how far I go is still to scarey to do all at once.

Brenda Hailey

[Charlize]

I think it may be time to simply live for some time as you are. I have found that at times for me at least i have to sit back and jut live a bit.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest LizMarie]

Anomaly,

There is a continuum, not a hard and fast set of gender choices. You may well be FTM trans but you might find yourself identifying as simply a very masculine female. Before you decide what you are, it might help to explore these things and this is where a gender therapist enters the picture.

Ultimately, in the end, the decision that we are trans comes from ourselves. But those of us who have denied ourselves, sometimes for decades, can testify that it is very easy for us to lie to ourselves and believe it. This is the benefit of the therapist. Unlike a parent or a friend who may have a particular agenda or may already have preconceived notions about who they think you are, a therapist is a blank slate and simply works to make you face the truth. A good therapist will ask hard questions. A good therapist will make you think and make you consider multiple angles to every question. That's their job. When your therapist says you are trans/genderqueer/"normal" or whatever else they tell you, in the end, they are reflecting back to you what you have already decided, even if you're not fully aware of that decision.

I also recommend taking your time to find yourself. I have one good friend who I have known since she was a child living next door to us (a friend of one of my sons at that time). She's completely genderqueer but also completely at peace with herself as female. She identifies with a lot of male things, far more than many females, dresses casually androgynous or even male, yet has no body dysphoria about her breasts or her genitalia. She wondered once if she was trans and realized she was not, concluding that she was genderqueer instead.

So, in the "what next", I urge you to seek out and work with a therapist. Discover who you are. You may well conclude you are trans. You may well conclude you need to transition. And then again, you may not.

If you are not suffering extreme psychological distress, my recommendation for you next step is therapy. (It would be that even if you were but I might suggest other things too.) You seem like you are in a good place mentally right now, free to really discover yourself, which will then empower you to become who you wish to be.

[Guest Anomaly]

Thank you everyone for your insights and experiences, much appreciated and useful.

I started this journey almost 6 months ago and have been pacing myself. I've tried not to late my insecurities, hesitations and questions rule my daily life which isn't hard when raising 4 kids lol

I'm gonna keep taking it easy and not stressing it, knowing that I'm taking the right steps.

To Brenda Hailey, thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience thus far in your journey. It can be tough but it feels like we're both doing we can to go in the right direction. Good luck