Had to tell the boy...

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

I met this guy Nate on Plenty of Fish a few months ago and we had been sending messages back and forth for a few weeks and decided to switch to email so we could write more detailed messages without character limits. When I first wrote him back, I was under the impression that I would be coming through his area within the next few weeks so I decided to really chat him up under the premise that I'll probably be meeting him in the next month or so.

...fast forward several months later. We're still emailing back and forth but I still haven't been to the Detroit area, which is really odd because usually crossing at Detroit/Windsor was a fairly frequent thing, but alas, in that time I haven't even been near Canada.

In the course of our messages, I had hinted that I had a really important thing to tell him about me but I wasn't ready to tell him yet because I didn't know him very well. To be honest, I was waiting to tell him in person. I didn't want to have to have this kind of conversation through email because it's so impersonal, and I felt he deserved to be told in person.

Well, so far I still haven't been up in that area and this morning he wrote me an email asking if such information would be considered a deal breaker. I knew in my heart that answer was a "yes". I wrote him a quick email while waiting for breakfast and I just knew that today was going to have to be the day I tell him, and sadly I was going to have to do it through email.

So here's the email that I sent him:

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Okay Nate, this is the email I didn't want to write but the way things are going, I have to write this now.

First let me preface this by saying I'm sorry. I truly am sorry. While I don't know what your reaction is going to be, I'm going to guess it will be on-par with the reaction I normally get when I do this. Also let me say that I hate to do this through email. I really don't like having to write something so personal through a medium so impersonal. I would have preferred to have this conversation in person but the way things have been going the last few months, I never had the opportunity. I also wish I didn't have to have this conversation because it's never an easy one to have, for myself or the other person.

Once again, I'm sorry. I really am sorry.

Nate, I'm transgender.

I don't know if you're familiar with the term or not sure exactly what it fully means so I will explain it how it pertains to me. I was born male. For the last 2 years I have been in the process of transitioning to become female. I currently have been living as a woman for the last 2 years. For the last 8 months now I have been taking hormones to reduce testosterone and instead add estrogen to develop a more female body (this is doctor prescribed and supervised so it's safe). My legal name really is Elizabeth, I changed it to that 4 years ago. My driver's license does have me listed as Female. The pictures I've sent you really are me, that's what I look like every day. To the casual observer, I'm a woman. I look like a woman, I dress like a woman, I act and speak like a woman. However I haven't had the surgery yet, so I still have male genitalia. I personally don't like having it, it's a constant reminder that I'm not completely female. Unfortunately, the surgery is expensive and many insurance companies do not cover it yet, although some now do because they have accepted that gender reassignment surgery is medically necessary for treatment for gender identity disorder, which is what I have been diagnosed with.

Nate, I'm really sorry I had to do this. I knew I would have to have this discussion some time, I was just hoping it would be later than sooner but I know you've been really wondering what could my one big secret be that I wasn't ready to talk about yet. This is it.

I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am for not telling you until now. The majority of time when I start talking with a guy, things never get this far before they drift away so I've rarely had to have this conversation that I'm having with you. Sadly, and I'm sure history will repeat itself, those that I have told decided to walk away and never speak to me again. Every time I'm emotionally crushed because I was hoping for once I would find someone who could look past it and accept me for who I am as a person, not what I am anatomically.

I really don't know what else to say other than I really am sorry if you felt like I deceived you and I lied to you. I didn't do it maliciously or to intentionally hurt you.

Nate, I'm really sorry. You have every right to be mad at me. You have every right to walk away and never speak to me again. You have every right to call me every hurtful word under the sun. Please understand that I never wanted to intentionally hurt you.

I'm sorry.

Liz

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I cried a lot during the course of writing this. While I could write it with tears running down my cheek, a few times I had to actually stop writing and cry. I hate having to do this. I wish I didn't have to do this. But I had to be honest with him, so I had to do this.

I haven't received a response yet. I don't think he'll read it until the morning, since he has a busy work schedule. I'm really not sure if I'll even get a response back from him. I'm not expecting one, or if I do it will probably be how much of a lying piece of (poo) I am, which I totally deserve at this point.

[Guest Melissa~]

That's definitely a tear jerker and nail biter wait. And it's so impossible to know how that will go. Best of luck on that.

[Guest Plaid Chameleon]

You have more courage then I would ever be able to possess in all my years. I hope you receive positive feedback from this message, but even if you do not, I think that such an honest effort is a trait that is worth more then any biology. Hopefully nate will agree.

[Guest CassieX]

Hi Lizzie,

I'm a little confused here. Why are you apologizing for being who you are? Never be ashamed to be the person you are meant to be. You are as you were made and shouldn't be afraid to be proud of who you are. One of my biggest hangups before I started my RLE was that I was afraid people would not accept me for who I was, but I quickly came to the conclusion that was old negative thinking and as Cassie it had no place in my life. Please, please don't set yourself up for social failure by saying you are sorry and that you understand if someone doesn't want to know you because you are transgender. That is like saying, 'I don't think anyone will like me for who I am so I wont bother ever talking to anyone just in case I get hurt'. Makes no sense. The world is full of people who think they are not good enough because they think they are too fat, too thin, too ugly, too poor, etc. Why add being transgender to that silly list of self inflicted inadequacies?

While I don't know you personally in RL, I've followed your posts here in the forums for quite a while and you sound like a decent and beautiful person so enough with the negatives, girl! The world is full of people who will love you for who you are and if this guy doesn't then its his loss, not yours.

/Hugs,

Cassie

[Guest KimberlyF]

Doing the right thing isn't always the easy thing.

I think sharing the exact letter and so many details is something that isn't without it's own possible future complications. If this person were to accept you only to find out about a personal issue between him and you being discussed so openly on the net, it could lead to other serious relationship issues.

[Guest]

I so feel for you. You are a wonderful person and you have a wonderfully witty personality with a fresh and exciting way of looking at things in life. Don't loose that for lost love.

Please don't let the white lines attack you as you hum along into the night. If you let it, the mile markers will kick you for things you said or did and we let the time alone at work really beat us up.

If he gets past this, you can be rest assured that he may be a fine gentleman that does not let the little head do all the thinking. If not keep casting your line out, don't fret the one that got away. Throw back the trouser trout, for one day you will reel in a keeper. Hug. JodyAnn

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

That's the end of it. He replied to my email and told me goodbye. Though I knew this would probably happen, it still hurts.

[Guest DianeATL]

So sorry. It is risky and tough for anyone to get out there on the dating market, that risk is exponentially more for the transgendered. The alternative is to crawl into a cave or build a wall around you. I applaud you for taking the risk and getting out there. Stay strong.

Hugs

Diane

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

The alternative is to crawl into a cave or build a wall around you.

Interestingly enough, that was my plan B.

For the record, I wasn't apologizing for who I am. What I was apologizing for was not telling him I was trans until yesterday. That's what I was sorry about. I should have told him sooner. I probably should have told him from the beginning.

He did say he cannot see himself with a transgender woman, and he has every right to say that, personal preference. He also said I had no reason to apologize but in my heart I had every reason to apologize.

He also suggested going forward maybe I should put that I'm trans at the top of my profile to weed guys out and only attract those guys who are interested in dating a transgender girl but...I've been down that road before...and in my opinion, that's even worse because we all know how Transgender chasers are.

So yeah, I moved through the grieving stages pretty well. While I'm still bummed about it, I've accepted his decision and moved on.

I also decided to delete my profiles on match, OKCupid and POFish. I don't want to keep going through this and hurting people so I figured maybe it's best to just stop and forget about trying to find someone. Several friends have found guys who love and accept them for who they are but obviously I can't seem to do the same so maybe that's a sign I'm not supposed to be with anyone.

I don't know. Hurting people is the last thing I want to do.

[Carolyn Marie]

Lizzie, I'm sorry that the end result wasn't a good one, but we both know it was the likely outcome. But I totally agree with Cassie; you have nothing to apologize for. I don't think that those of us who date ought to have a big T tattooed on our foreheads. Nor do I think that the words "I'm trans" ought to be the first things out of our mouths when we meet someone. You two had never met, had only exchanged info on the Web, and so sharing personal medical information would not have been appropriate IMO.

There have been many threads on these boards about when to tell someone that you want to date, or are dating. It is a matter of personal opinion, and there is no "right" answer. I've said before that IMO, it shouldn't be until you get serious, as in repeated dates. But I understand why someone would want to get it out of the way early on, so as to lessen the hurt.

Transfolk do fall in love, and their love is returned, and they do get married to both cisgen and trans men and women. It is not a lost cause. You'll find your life partner someday, Lizzie. You are a lovely, smart, highly intelligent and warm human being. That counts for something. Someone out there will see those qualities and fall for you. Of that, I am certain. Please keep that door to your heart open wide. A nice guy is going to walk through it some day soon.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest]

HUGGGSSS, Lizzie.

Joann

[VickySGV]

Time to re-play Dean Martin's old song "Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime". I admit is hasn't happened to me yet but "Everybody loves somebody sometime, everybody falls in love somehow" coming from a pleasant baritone voice gives me some heart every now and then. You will make it Lizzie!! Your young and cute vs my status will win every time!! I feel for you girlfriend.

[Guest DianeATL]

I hate to say it but I have taken intimacy and finding someone who likes me pretty much off of the table. I don't like me so I can't expect that anyone else will. I am just trying to make friends and be a friend without benefits.

Hugs Lizzie,

Diane

[Guest Melissa~]

I have to give my condolences, so sad. Hopefully in the future you will have a a chance to leave a first in-person impression before such a large disclosure.

[Guest BeckyTG]

I'm so sorry, Lizzie.

It's so awkward to know when it's time to say something and when it's not.

In my past, I found I met the nicest people when I quit trying so hard to meet the nicest people.

I wish you all the best. You're a wonderful person. I've read your stuff for years.

Warm hugs.

[Guest April Kristie]

Lizzie, I am truly sorry this has happened to you. All the time you put into the relationship even if it was electronic. But that's part of the problem, you both spent so much time getting to know each other, vested yourselves, it's gotta hurt both parties. I wish you better results the next time you wear your heart on your sleeve. There is somebody for everybody, i really truly believe that! With affection I am....