Why cant I ever just stand up?

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

I ran into an issue the other day with a long lost friend and a really good friend I have come out to already.

This old friend "T" I have known for twenty years of more he moved away to Alaska in our twenties and we losely stayed in touch over the years and when he would come back to town we would hang out and relive old times. All was good we would have fun and he would go back home.

This time he came back from Alaska to stay here and live again, but this time he brought all his old baggage with him, he is now heavily into drinking and drugs and is living quite the messed up life......One that I left 15 years ago and want no part of now.

Me and this friend share a couple mutual friends and had done so the entire time we known each other."We share my best friend in the whole world". This other friend is destroying himself before our eyes,and as addictions go,they ruin lives and he is on that path still just as when we were teens and young adults.

"T" is here and currently homeless and living out of hotels and the desert in cars and being a general mess,refusing any real help from anyone just so he can stay the course.

He comes is now coming over to my place to keep his vehicle running as it is prone to breaking down and fixing cars is what I do. I dont like the situation and try to avoid it at all cost because I dont trust him but I still help regardless because of our past.

Well this time he was over at my best friends place half buzzed up and ranting and raving for hours about how his life sucks and how his "son in law" has ruined his and his daughters life. T's daughter is married to a transgender female and this is all "coming out" right now and "T" is freaking out about it and wont stop obsessing over it. He is threatening to beat his new daughter in law up for doing this to them and for ruining his daughters life. He is absolutely irrational about this whole thing.

("T's" daughter by the way is happy with the situation and staying in the relationship the daughter in law is now post op and they are living happy lives together.

It seems the only one upset is "T" )

My best friend and "T" showed up at my house needing car repair after the rant session had ended over at his place.

My best friend "C" called me up and asked if I could do some welding to make a repair for "T" I reluctantly said yes having no idea what had been going on earlier in the day.

Needless to say he wasnt at my place for more than 10 minutes before the discussion turned to the transgender topic ,of which I had no idea was coming.

This is all happening while I am coming out to close friends myself. the timing of all this is crazy.

But he started his vile attacks on his daughter and daughter in law with such such a disgusting display it made my heart shrink inside, and I just stood there listening in silence while my best friend would catch glimpses of me with my head down in silence.

I was disgusted and wanted "T" to leave and want to never see him again, I was a coward again, I said nothing and did what I said I was never going to do again.

listening to him hurt me and I didnt have the guts enough to make him stop and at least defend myself for who I really am I let it go on like it was not effecting me.

I did manage to steer away from the conversation and make a stupid excuse for not being able to talk any more, I did not do the work on his vehicle and they both left soon after...I am mad at myself my best friend and "T" .

I feel my best friend who I had come out to already should have known better than to put me in that spot,and I cant figure out why he did,if he wanted to see me hurt for who I am first hand then he got his wish.

As for "T" a hatred has started to grow in me that I dont want to be there I dont want to judge him but at the same time I never want to see him again EVER.

He doesnt deserve my help or kindness.

And for myself I feel I let myself down AGAIN and took the cowards way out by not saying or doing anything.....I am disgusted with myself for the way I feel about "T" I find myself glad he is going through so many issues himself ,because of how hurt I feel,but I know in my heart its not right to feel that way towards him.

I wish I was strong and fearless, but instead all I can do is cry for my lack of courage.

I have had the weekend to think about this and have come to the conclusion I will in fact tell him who I am and send him on his way forever, but until that somehow happens I will still be carrying my failure with me. And its certainly NOT going to be while my other friends are standing around watching.

I promised myself in my acceptance I would tell the truth and not run from these things ever again,its easier said than done.

How does one muster up enough testosterone/courage to handle an ugly potentially violent situation alone,when its the last thing you want to do inside?

I might just be better off with no old friends if I am just going to be treated like a freak show anyway.

Anyway I just had to get this out and try to move on with my week and let this go for now.

Brenda Hailey.

[Michelle 2010]

How does one muster up enough testosterone/courage to handle an ugly potentially violent situation alone,when its the last thing you want to do inside?

My dear, the journey we are on is not easy in the best of circumstances. Not to offend, but i think you are approaching the situation using "guy think", which is of course not surprising since most of us spent considerable time trying to be one....

I suggest you be gentle wih yourself... A dear friend said o me last year prior to my divorce, "why would you want to compromise who you are with someone who doesn't support you...?" So... this man means nothing to you... Is potentially irrational... is an active addict, and hates trans people. If you engage him, who has the problem? A wise woman would avoid an aggressive bellicose drunken man.... I suggest you do the same... Unless you are wanting to "man up"

Hugs

Michelle

[Guest Jennifer T]

Brenda, prudence may be the best course of action here. Don't get yourself into a violent situation if you don't have to .

Seriously. If you find that you must tell this friend about yourself, then do so with someone else around. The guy sounds like a nut job (forgive me), and some loose cannons do go off.

[Guest lostflower]

Sometimes doing the right this sometimes isn't very nice and it will hurt you because you are a good person.

Stay as far away from him as you can until he decides to be a better person.

He sounds like he's a keg short of a frat party and potentially a danger to his daughter, daughter-in-law and himself but as tragic as his situation and as laudable as your compassion is he needs to left to the mess he has made of his life only he can fix it but I rather doubt he ever will.
I would suggest though that you warn his daughter and daughter-in-law and the police that he is stated a desire to commit a hate motivated act of violence

Hannah

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

Michelle,Jennifer,and Hanna thank you for your replies.

I am just in a tough place with all this and the timing of it all is pretty crazy.

I truly dont want to confront anyone,but at the same time all I wanted to do was tell this guy to "expletive off" and defended myself for being who I am, and tell him what a judgmental unrighteous dirtbag he is really being in his life. The nerve of the guy to say those things about someone else when his own life is a complete, total and absolute wreck....thats all I really wanted to say to him but I didnt.

I realize his life is screwed up and its not my fault, if it somehow got more screwed up because of me,,,,,oh well I didnt make him feel the way he does he did that himself.

At some point if I am going to keep my best friend this is all going to come to a head its just inevitable,I dont want to stay away from my best friend just because this guy is around now,but I dont want anything to do with him either, and if my best friend is going to be with and condone this guys actions I cant put up with that either.

"T"s daughter knows how he feels about the situation and she doesnt want anything to do with him either ,thats why he blames his daughter in law for ruining their relationship...

The daughter knows what kind of guy he is and has taken precautions. She is happy and loves her transgender wife,regardless of him.

Somehow I got to be one of the unlucky ones he wanted to bash people too.... while I am right in the middle of my own coming out process. Fortunately I got to see his reaction before telling him myself, but I still wanted to stand up for myself and not listen to his garbage anymore.

The best I can hope for right now is he goes to jail for the crap he is doing in his addictions and I wont have to see him.

Its ironic somehow that there are two transgender people he knows in his life now, when he couldnt even handle one. The justice in that does make me smile even if he doesnt know it

What are the odds?

I am not going to let it stop me from coming out the rest of the way I just dont like it when I am being as strong as I can possibly be and it still isnt enough.

Again thanks for you kind hearted replies.

Brenda.

[Guest LizMarie]

You are under no obligation to discuss it with this person. At all. It's your choice. Don't feel obligated to change his point of view. If he wants to change, he will.

What I would have done is simply said, "I disagree and find that trans people are just regular human beings, with a known medical condition." If he tried to argue, I would have insisted that I'm not going to argue about it. If he got loud, I'd tell him to take his welding problem elsewhere or drop the topic - his choice. But that's what I would have done.

You are you and can handle this however you wish. And if you do not wish to discuss it, then don't! It's ok.

[Guest kristendk]

I wish I was strong and fearless, but instead all I can do is cry for my lack of courage.

As much as many of us probably wish we had more courage, I find it very hard to believe that anybody here lacks courage, given what it takes just to get here.

You may not be able to control anybody else, but there is always at least one person you can get to love you unconditionally if you are willing! You!

Hugs,

Kristen

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

You are under no obligation to discuss it with this person. At all. It's your choice. Don't feel obligated to change his point of view. If he wants to change, he will.

What I would have done is simply said, "I disagree and find that trans people are just regular human beings, with a known medical condition." If he tried to argue, I would have insisted that I'm not going to argue about it. If he got loud, I'd tell him to take his welding problem elsewhere or drop the topic - his choice. But that's what I would have done.

You are you and can handle this however you wish. And if you do not wish to discuss it, then don't! It's ok.

Thanks Liz the way you would have handled it is the way I would have liked to handle it but for some reason I can never step up and think clearly like you in "that moment" I always cower down and say nothing as if I dont even exist,which then turns to anger at them and then myself because I didnt say or do anything.

I would have loved to been assertive and stood up for transgender people as human beings who deserve respect, but I didnt,and I know many a woman who would have stood up to what he was saying and put him in his place,but I did nothing.

The way it is now I want to tell him those things to fix my own mistake of silence but at the same time I never want to see him again,and I know I will forever avoid being near him at all cost,pretty much forever now. :-/

He will eventually find out anyway and I dont really care if he knows because he isnt going to really be a part of my life anyway ,I just wish I didnt blow it when faced with controversy about who I am as a person.

I will live on its not the worst that can happen I just wished I knew how to handle things like this assertively and gently ,if thats even possible.

Brenda Hailey

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

I wish I was strong and fearless, but instead all I can do is cry for my lack of courage.

As much as many of us probably wish we had more courage, I find it very hard to believe that anybody here lacks courage, given what it takes just to get here.

You may not be able to control anybody else, but there is always at least one person you can get to love you unconditionally if you are willing! You!

Hugs,

Kristen

You're right Kristen you're right.

[Guest LizMarie]

What you did is perfectly ok, Brenda! Choosing to not engage a loud, rude, bigot is completely acceptable! You didn't ask for that fight and unless he forced it, you were perfectly fine ignoring him.

And get it out of your head that you need to "stand up" to such people. There are people who used to be in my life who were just like that. I never did out myself to them though I think they may have heard by now. But I don't care and I let them move out of my life.

Life is too short to try to maintain relationships with people who openly disdain you and aspects of you. Let him go. If he ever asks why, you can choose whether to explain or not. And don't let anyone guilt you over choosing to end a relationship with someone who is verbally abusive towards you and people like you.

[JJ]

One thing I have observed in addicts and alcoholics is that they are masters at using people and trading in any emotion they can-including old friendship from the past and guilt about turning your back on that. But this is a different time and you have all become different people. My advise would be to not be home when they get there if they come by and not be available when they call for help.

This guy is out of contril and not risking your health or potentially life is just sensible and not being a coward at all. I have often been accused of being fearless to the point of foolhardy and I would not have spoken up in that situation. It would not have changed "T" nor was he in a state to do anything but take his anger out on you

.

You have a new life and have made a fresh start with the potential to make your dreams come true and sometimes to do that you owe it to yourself to walk away from negative people and influences. That is where your courage will really be needed. To commit to a better future by leaving behind the things of the past that can only harm you ultimately. The old saying is that misery loves company-and I have also noticed in a lifetime of working with people that people like T and your other acquaintance end up creating trouble and chaos everywhere they go. Having sober, happy and functioning people around is a reproach in and of itself and I suspect this relationship would ultimately be doomed even without trans issues that take the threat and negative potential to a whole new level.

You deserve more. Nor do you need to reproach yourself fr being wise enough to realize on some level that there was nothing to be gained in the ling run from standing up to the guy and getting hurt. The truth is too that when you cut him loose he will find someone else to use. That life is his choice and he is not your responsibility. Nor do I believe it helps anyone in the long run to enable them to keep living a life of addiction and alcoholism by giving assistance with the messes they make on their lives. there are organizations to feed and clothe and help them without the personal ties.

Sorry to sound harsh but sometimes when dealing with people in those situations the realities are harsh.

Bottom line is you did the right thing by not confronting. Save you efforts and energy for those who can hear you

Johnny

[VickySGV]

You did the right thing in the circumstances presented to you. It takes as much courage to say nothing in a situation like that as it would be to tell him off.