Fighting from the heart

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

This is a post about my coming out and going out in public completely dressed as Brenda for the first time yesterday.

It is an altered copy of a personal email I had with my dearest friend Jennifer T, without her none of this would have been possible.

Some things may not make total sense because of other things we have been sharing together but to save time and get to work I will just post it partly as I sent it to her.

The day ended there and I was excited to go home and watch beautiful boxer again. I usually totally change into my girl clothes the minute I get home and I did, then realized I needed to go grocery shopping and I was already dressed to be home,,,,,,,,,,Then it happened I got on a new pair of shoes that go with my womens jeans and pink tops and started thinking about going out just like this,,,,,,,a few hims and haughs, a couple trips to the mirror and then it happened , I left the house %100 female as I could be without pills or surgery and went to the store, I got out and bought some fuel at the station and went into the super market scared but intensely resolved to go shopping dressed, and with my new found courage and movie hopes and emotions running extremely high I did it, I grabbed a cart and started shopping absolutely undeniably dressed as a woman. I loved myself for doing this I was SO PROUD. I was really scared at first but went to the produce section got some grapefruit and started telling myself I have the courage of Toom and Jennifer and that I could do this, and I did, I only had to say it once and the rest of the trip was actually pretty easy. I cant believe I did it "I DID IT" I spent about 45 minutes shopping the whole store filling my cart and feeling good. I told myself I didnt care, and oh well a couple times and it was over.

I hit the check out line, the next door cash register girl took one look at me and insisted on helping me with the other cashier lady and starting emptying my cart for me and making small talk and being nice I couldnt believe it !!! I knew she did it because she was curious of me but she still did it and was still nice they both bagged the groceries and new nail polish. After inserting herself and genuinely being helpful and talkative she left back to her station smiling at me the whole time. I thanked her and that was it..... I paid and out he doors I went.

I walked outside started loading groceries into the back of my truck and my best friends (the one I came out to) step son sees me loading groceries gets right behind me in his truck and honks the horn and says what are you doing,,,, I looked up and said Hi and he stared for a moment and drove a few spaces down and parked walked over to said how are you doing I said "fine" continuing to load, slightly nervous because he was honking at me,and I never told him, and was unsure if his dad has yet or not, he took a quick look at me and said ok see ya I am going in and left inside without really saying anything or teasing like I thought he would.....

Anyway I drove home parked in the driveway told myself how proud I was and sat there and cried my eyes out AGAIN for a few minutes, I thanked God I thanked you and even thanked the movie....

Even if I never make it the rest of the way I still fought to get right here right now and it feels good and it feels right, and I did it. It certainly makes up for my last perceived failure of Alaska guy thats for sure.

I truly felt in my heart that I did not care who may have seen me, I was prepared to tell them and live with my choice,and I did.

This coming out is so liberating and so needed right now for me its nice to see I can really do it.

( Imaging what I want the most is up there, and running for it. )

END

I like my friend Jennifer more than any of my written words can express in this post,without her I would have never started back up those stairs again.

Brenda will be going out again and fighting from her heart more often.

Brenda Hailey

[VickySGV]

The first trip out where everything really goes right is such a HIGH and having done it thinking of a friend who encourages you and has your interests at heart, and who will in turn be helped and encouraged by your successes is the most wonderful. With good sense and an awareness of our surroundings, we are safer than we often imagine in our down moments. It will not be your last time doing that for sure.

[Guest Jennifer T]

Thr courage of Toom. Brenda is referring to the movie "Beautiful Boxer", based on the real life of Nong Toom.

Brenda, indeed, you have that courage. You've always had it. And in that you possess a greater courage than I do.

Be at peace with yourself and accept the courage in your heart. :-)

[gennee]

Congratulations, Brenda. The first time is scary but when we succeed, it's a wonderful feeling.

It's great that you had someone who supported you.

[Guest]

Congratulations Brenda Hailey.

The initial trip is the hardest one.

They do get easier with experience.

May you have many more successful outings.

Huggs,

Joann

[tracy_j]

Congratulations Brenda!

I'm glad things went well. It would have troubled you quite a bit if you had ducked out, whereas you will now grow in confidence and be far happier as a result. I know this is how I feel as I go. It is also nice that you have a good friend to confide in. It makes all the difference.

Tracy x

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

Thank you all for the kind words and support,indeed the first time is the hardest, yet most rewarding.

I have an entire future to live as me now.

Replacing doubt and fear with courage and experience, there is no other way.

Jennifer you were right there with me, not a passing afterthought but right there. Your importance as a friend is not easily forsaken. Your own courage no less than mine,our paths may be somewhat different,but the beauty is they do cross,and we are able to share. You are appreciated by me regardless. There is no simpler way for me to say it. There are butterflies on both ends.

Brenda Hailey

PS: If you have not seen the movie "Beautiful Boxer" then I strongly suggest you do. For me at least it is one of if not the most inspirational and spiritually gratifying movies I have ever watched.

[Guest Stacie Cheyenne]

This to is Also very very Beautiful and Awesome, As are both You and Jennifer - To both of You - Hug's - Stacie: