Coming out to my Mom - I'm confused...

[Guest Sarausa]

Hi everyone !

I'm sory, it's gonna be a long read, i hope you won't find it boring, i'll do my best to keep it short... And i'll have some questions, too.

So, like three weeks ago, i was was still in the process of accepting myself as transgender, and searching for answers, so i went to my mom wanting to ask her questions about my childhood and basically how feminine I could have been as a child and all that. I didn't want to tell her - just ask questions, but of course, a mom is a mom, and she finally made me tell what was wrong... and I told her. Such a bad idea.

This was very confusing. She was nor accepting, nor rejecting, nor worrying, nor angry, nor sad, nor happy that I eventually found my true self, nor neither of those but everything at once. She was first kinda taken aback, wich is fully understandable, and i was bursting in tears, explainings myself through uncontrollable sobs, that i wanted to be a woman, that i was in fact a woman deep down, and telling all i could about how i felt. She then came to her senses and was like "Oh, ok, well, if it makes you happy, i'll support you, you know i love you, you can tell me everything", and so on...

So I was relieved ; but something was off, she changed the subject quickly, so I went back on the subject and I said "no matter what, i'm gonna transition, i'm gonna see a GT, take hormones, SRS and stuff....". I thought she wanted to know more about it, and what it meant for me. And then she got angry and it was really horrible. She reproached to me, angry and yelling, that i went to her every 5 years or so, telling her those sort of awful stuff : "First, there were your epileptic seizures, then you told me you were gay, and now, that ; and so, in 5 more years, what will it be ? Will you tell me that you want to murder someone because you feel the need to ?"

I'm really not kidding about the murder part... And how can you reproach someone to have epileptic seizures ? That wasn't my fault ! Nor being gay or trans is anyone's fault. Of course, I answered nothing, I was devastated inside, but hid it quite well as i have a lot of practice for that... There was a moment of very unconfortable silence, that she broke with :

"So, go on then, ask me your questions".

I had prepared a lot for her, but i felt so terrible i asked only a couple in a hoarse and shaking voice ; and she went all sweet, remembering fondly all those childood memory, how cute I was, and not particularly girlish. The "funny" thing is, i don't remember the same things in the same way. Whilst most of my childhood is burried under several layers of forgetting ; i have some very clear memories, going back to kindergarten, of cross-dressing, pretending i had breasts, clumsy make-up, obsession towards mermaids (up to the point i had my aunt sew me a mermaid outfit that i loved), and so on and so forth... and it's very confusing 'cause we didn't seem to talk about the same kid, here. Of course i didn't say a word that she might, perhaps, be wrong... 'cause i wasn't sure myself of how well i was remembering.

"So... you really do feel like a woman ?", she asked.

"Yes, I do. I mean, there's no much doubt left anymore, i guess. I was i denial nearly 27 years of my life, I can't stand it anymore".

So i thought, ok, she had an angry reaction, that was to be expected, now, she'll accept me, and everything will be fine, it's still my mom, we love each other, everything's good in the best possible world. Nope. I don't really know how, or if I said something, but she was angry again, flaming what i said, with hurtful sarcasm, like : "Go on, then, go on, go grow yourself breast as big as bombshells, go play drag queen with pervs and have sex with cats" (I'm not kidding about the cat part...).

It went on and on, and when she was finished, she was accepting again, and all smiles and nice words. She hugged me when i left. I was emotionally empty, after having ridden on such a rollercoaster, with my head in a whirlwind, my brain long gone, and filled with anger and doubts and confusion, about me, about her, about the entire world. It was a miracle i found my way home.

So... what to think of that ? She's my mother and i still want her in my life, i want her to accept me entirely as a woman, but of course, i'm too afraid to speak of this matter with her, now... Shall i try to make her understand or should i rather wait until i begin HRT or something ?... i really don't know what to do.... Also, could she really "know better" ? All that childhood stuff i nearly irrelevant, what's important is the now and today, but where i wanted to be enlightened, it's even darker and more incomprehensible... I wanted strengh, and was weakened... Still, i think she didn't really understand, or she tought that it was something i "made up" somehow, she made it a minor issue, saying i needing to work on my depression and social skills first, like if it was different things ; and i feel unable to explain to her, because each time i would make an assertion about myself, she would correct me, and tell me i'm wrong... this is pretty unnerving.

I'm sorry, this may look like over-dramatic rambling, but it was a very hard time, and i have had a hard time writing this post and reliving all that. Let it be a warning, as well : if you don't want to come out, or don't feel ready, then dont. Really Don't. At all cost. I think with my mom, it was too soon, i wasn't ready, i didn't really know what to say or how to explain.

Thank you for reading, and i hope see you soon !

Lucie

[JJ]

Lucie I'm sorry for the pain this caused you. It takes time for those we love to accept and understand. In some ways it is the death of the child they knew and dreamed and planned for all the years of your life. And it scares them because they don't really know how to help and very much don't want it to be true. Read the stages and grief because it is very likely that your mother will go through them before she really accepts. Sometimes people go through one at a time and sometimes almost all at once. It is a hard time but it is a time that passes unless someone gets stuck as they can with any loss. That is rare. But again it takes time-not hours or even days usually but weeks and sometimes months. You have had a lifetime to accept and adjust and you feel the feelings-she has not and cannot really grasp it yet.

The main thing is to acknowledge her pain and confusion and let her know you understand it. That feeling that way is not a rejection of YOU but of something she sees as a threat to you or cannot understand. Stay firm with who you are but accept her feelings as hers for now as you are asking her to accept yours.

Keep the love and communication open and remember that most of her behavior for awhile will be coming from fear and pain and you should come out of the process as close-or sometimes even closer-as ever.

Sometimes there is never a right time to tell someone who loves us. Ot is going to shock and hurt and there is going to be a reaction. It can even happen that once they see changes and have not been told loved ones sometimes go onto deep denial and are actually less open to disclosure. You have to go by when the time is right for you to handle it because in truth it will never be for them.

Give it time and love and you'll be amazed at how much it will change.

Johnny

[Carolyn Marie]

Lucie, I agree with what Johnny said. You should not assume that what your mother said yesterday, either the good or the bad, will be what she says or feels a week from now, a month from now or a year from now. It does take a lot of time, education, love, communication and more love, for a parent to really understand and come to grips with what transitioning means for them and for their child. Let her have her time to grieve and understand. There is a lot of great information on this site, and the web, to download and provide to her, if she wants to have it. I would advise not giving her too much, too fast.

It does sound like she wants to support you, so that's a good sign. I also suggest that you see a G.T. before coming out to too many other people. It does really help to have that professional opinion to back you up when you come out to folks. I wish you well.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest lostflower]

Hi Lucie

I'd let her calm down a little bit she does seem to need a little while to let this sink in

Then try and figure out the sex with cats bit of all the incorrect assumptions about transpeople I've ever heard that's the weirdest one

Hannah

[Guest Sarausa]

Thank you.

I guess when it come to emotional stuff, i tend to lose my rationality a little bit, you helped me see things clearer a little bit. That's true some kind of reaction from her was to be expected, it's just the whole situation was... well, unexpected, so... Some things she said was really hurtful, but at the same time, i didn't think of what [i[she[/i] might think. I'll let it where it is, I think we need a little time, the both of us. True, a GT will help me a lot on that matter, i suppose...

About the cat, i think she wanted to say that she didn't care about my sexual orientation, and went for an example a little bit too extreme ; a misconception of her, for being transgender has nothing to do with my orientation.

I'll follow your advice and give it time... but then she'll throw a party on march the first ; men are to bring food and women the beverage... funny how that little thing can turn into a big worry. I'll bring food, i guess that's the sensitive thing to do.

Thank you again, you showed me that i needed to take a step back and think it through.

Lucie

[Charlize]

I would take what you like regardless of gender. As you noted your mom will come around. We have to follow our own paths. My wife finally accepted me as i am. She would have preferred that i didn't transition but accepts none the less. Did i cause her pain ? I did. Like birth the change hurts but with time hopefully there will be a slow acceptance and you will be free to live as yourself. I have no idea of the medical system of France. i spent a summer at a lycée in Reims but never got sick. I assume you will need therapy if transition is in your future. Don't be discouraged from following the path best for you. You are no longer a child.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Cody76]

I'm sorry that that happened to you it sounds to me like your mother has a lot of other things that she's dealing with. It sounds like she may have some bi-polar tendencies but just as we don't want to be judged we need to not judge people who aren't so accepting just keep your distance.

I don't think anybody can really understand unless they go through these feelings themselves. There's never an easy way to say this to a person that isn't also transgender you don't know where to begin but there's just so much to say. If your mother corrects you about who you are just say I'm sorry you feel that way but this is how I feel and that is all that matters. Whatever she remembers of you when you were a child is not really you that was a you that was in disguise. Just know that you are accepted know for having the courage to finally be yourself.