On the use of pronouns

[Guest Sarausa]

Hi everyone !

I'm still very early in my transition, came out to my roomates only a month ago or so, I wear woman clothes every time now at home when they aren't any visitors, yet as I'm still very male-looking - to my despair ; I didn't ask my roomates to call me by my girl name, and refer to me as a "she". I didn't think it would bother me, since I was a "he" and called my boy name all the rest of my life. Unfortunately, the more time passes, the more it does bother me, even pains me, and I still didn't ask... I don't know if it's the right time or not, when my appearance and my voice are still 99% male.

So... is it too early or not ? When did you start asking others to call you by your chosen name and gender : right away, or did you wait until you could pass at least a bit (I mean, I wouldn't in a sandstorm...) ? What were the reactions in those cases ?

I'm sorry to ask so many questions, I hope it doesn't bother you. Thank you for reading, and see ya

[Guest Sarausa]

Really sorry for the double post !

I forgot to add something important : two of my roomates are co-workers as well, and if i ask them to call me "she" ; I would have to come out to the rest of the team as well - and to people I barely even know - unless asking them to make contextual adjustments - wich seems a little bit unfair.

Oooh.. my head aches...

[Carolyn Marie]

Everyone's expectations and attitudes about this are different, hon. For myself, I didn't, and wouldn't, ask or expect my friends, family or co-workers to address me as Carolyn or she until the day I transitioned socially. I felt it would be too confusing and too much of a burden for people to see me as "him," and address me as "her."

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[tracy_j]

I would agree somewhat with Carolyn. At the moment the people I work closely with are aware of 'Tracy' but, although if I referred to her they would know, I still work under my male name. One obvious issue is that until you officially change your name sometime down the line you would often be addressed by your original name anyway. For me - I like people to know my name (and I have stated Tracy in preference before giving the choice of what to call me) but am not unduly concerned at present which I am called.

Tracy x

[Guest CassieX]

I would also agree with Carolyn on this.

I didn't use female pronouns or expect anyone else to use them until I had legally changed my name and officially came out at work. On reflection, the dual life before coming out at work and starting my RLT was more stressful to me than coming out to everyone. In my opinion I think it would be a bit unfair to expect people to be comfortable calling you by one set of pronouns in one place and different ones in another. It takes time for people to adjust and I generally find that people (especially men) who knew me before I transitioned tend to mess up pronouns more when they are relaxed and their mouths are on autopilot, but then they are only human (and their looks of mortification when they realize it are priceless )

Cassie

[Guest Always Good]

Actually I was just thinking about switching to the female version of my name anyway. "Alex" is a unisex nickname and most of the times that I've heard it used it's been for a girl anyway so that doesn't bother me very much. Plus I would feel like I was insulting my mother by changing my name. Irrational, perhaps, but it's how I feel.

[Cyndee]

I have been out at my job for almost 8 months now since my name change. I have had to correct a few co-workers that were still stuck on his old name, but those are the folks I have not worked with for some time now. Some of my guy friends / band mates that knew him from before still have his old name on their lips, I gently apply pressure for change with them, but that's become infrequent. Close family members however I give exceptions, and do not insist upon correcting them.

C -

[Guest jnemo]

I don't know... I find that even as pre-transitioned as I am, people I'm out to have accepted calling me "she" and referring to me properly as Josie... takes a few corrections, but people tend to remember. Dressing androgynously might help.

[Guest Sarausa]

Thanks everyone for your precious advices !

It's true I want to rush things a little bit, I'm aware of that, and having forbidden myself everything even remotely female for years, it seems like eveything wants to come out at once... I feel more of a woman every day, and every day more depressed (again...) because of the rest of me not following along. I wear girly clothes every day, and light makeup, but this is just a look. I really need the "she", at least at home, but I can see how that may be strange and confusing. I guess everyone follows a different path, and actually, quite unexpectedly, I was asked today if I prefered "he" or "she", and whatever my answer, roomates are ok. There is only one possible answer, of course, so that settles it (I just got to have enough courage to give it, now...)

For now, eveything seems to be going smoothly. Next step is a appointment with a therapist, I can't wait !

Thanks again, and my apologizes : as English is not my native language, I may have some trouble making myself understandable enough...

See you !

Lucie

[Charlize]

Your english is far far better than my french. It has been too long since i dreamed in french and being an american i found that when i was in Paris everyone addressed me in english. Frustrating, non. Anyway i'm glad your english is so good. and that you are able to share your journey here.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Sarausa]

Frustrating, non.

Yes, I feel the same way whenever I go in Italia, where everyone there keeps speaking me french as soon as I say where I'm from... Anyways, thank you very much ! I love speaking different languages, and it's always nice when we're being complimented on it

A little update: my roomates (i live with three guys) now know that i prefer "Lucie" and "she", and everyone is ok and supportive, even if it takes a little correction sometimes (mostly from them, like a little stutter before they say the right name), I never felt so happy and so relieved for... a very very long time, and it's a wonderful feeling to know that I am accepted as I am among them, I didn't know it was even possible to feel this way.

So far, everything is going great, and I have a lot to thank you all for, even if I don't post a lot, I read a lot.

[Guest actuarylilium]

Lucie is such a beautiful name! Do you have a seperate French name, or is that your name in both languages? Sorry if that's a really stupid question, but my French is non-existent

It sounds like you've been really lucky with your room mates, that they have taken to your transition reasonably well. I'm really pleased for you I think I'm meeting up with my best friend on Sunday for a catch-up and general chat, and I plan to tell him then. He knows about everything I've been through, and has supported me above and beyond the call of duty. With every revelation I think I'm going to alienate him, but he has stood by me. It's just impossible to know for certain how people will react... But I'm excited, because it'll make it "official" being the first person who knows me to know my secret.

Hope your transition goes really well Lots of Love, Lily xxx

[Guest Sarausa]

Thank you

Lucie is my name, whatever language I suppose "Lucy" would be the english spelling ; it's actually only one letter short to my male name, but even then, it makes so huge of a difference !

Indeed, I'm very luck to live with those people, they are wonderful, open-minded, and very close friends before being my roomates, and we're all part of the same video game development team, so we work and live together, and being accepted as I am among them is litterally lifesaving. Good luck with your friend ! I hope it will go well for you as it has for me. Telling that you're trans* is really difficult, imho, but once it's told, the hard part is over, and you can enjoy a renewed friendship with no secrets anymore, and be the whole you with that person... It's a truly wonderful experience.

[Guest StephanieAngelica]

I had a cis gender friend who told me once when I began this journey. She said "People will accept you more as Stephanie once you start to fit the social norms of being a female" Of course, I didn't believe her at first, but she ended up being right. The more you start fitting in feminine, that is when you should start asking people to call you by your proper gender. Give them time to get adjusted to it as well.

[Guest LizMarie]

Same boat as Carolyn. My friends address me as Cara, she, her, etc., because I present female with them. At work I still present male (until later this year). Once I switch there, I'll let people know my expectations there as well, but not before.

[Guest Sarausa]

I agree with you, for the most part. I know I can't really make people call me one way, when they still think of me and see me the other way, and I don't want to. For those who ask, I say : "My name is Lucie", but I don't ask them to call me that, and "her", "she", and all that (However, a couple of friends actually did the minute I came out to them, kinda surprising but very nice of them nonetheless). In general, I don't want to make people do anything they don't feel like.

At home, it's a bit different, because I need a place where I can be completely myself, and I happen to live with three other persons (rents are very high where I live, and income very low, so we share space) ; but I never actually specifically said : "Please call me Lucie", it was more like :

them : "do you want us to call you Lucie ? That would be fine"

me : "well, i dunno, i'm not sure, it's too early..." (I started this thread at this stage)

them : "you know, it's no problem, lad... I mean, lass."

me : "well, if you don't mind, ..., ... maaaybe..."

them : "That's settled, then ! We'll call you Lucie. More cheese ?"

Overall, they were far more understanding that I could have expected, but apart from the couple of friends I mentionned, I'm Lucie only in the privacy of our home, and <insert boy name here> for the rest of the world. Sometimes I feel like a wig away to be seen as a woman, sometimes I feel like it's still miles and months away, so it's not for now that I will ask people in general to ask call me Lucie, but I can enjoy now what I have.

[Guest Amelia]

It really sounds like you're hitting some milestones, Lucie!

It took me so long to be able to come out socially to my family, let alone the whole world. I wanted them to use feminine pronouns when I was still male, but I understood their discomfort and confusion with it. Acceptance takes quite a bit of time, and I now understand that. Once I began my physical transition, my parents were fully prepared to call me Mia. Now that I'm more thoroughly physically changed, everyone just knows and accepts me as a girl.

I'm very happy to hear that you have accepting folks around you. Over time things will just fall into place in sync with your physical transition. And that feeling of being a miles away is definitely a shared one. Before you know it you'll be there though, and hopefully those memories of intense gender dysphoria will fade by the wayside.

[Guest actuarylilium]

Lucie, I'm really pleased to hear that you have found support from people around you I hope your transition goes smoothly and that you become the person you were meant to be!

I've told my best friend and several of my close family members about my crossdressing. They have all said that they still love me, and they appreciate that I felt I could trust them to tell. One of them even said that she knew something wasn't quite right with me (why didn't you say so!?). Though, to be fair I did know something was wrong when Porn just wouldn't go away...

For me, now that I've come out I feel like a totally different person. I just feel so happy, I no longer have to life a lie and repress my feminine side. It's the World I've always dreamed of, but never thought I would join. It all feels so naturally, and the joy I get when I put on my underwear and tights...

Which leads me onto what I wanted to ask: how did the desire to transition come about for you? Do you start crossdressing, and then it later came along, or did you want to transition right from the start. I feel so happy, the only thing that I crosses my mind is that I might become depressed again, because I love my feminine side so much I want to be female. Then I would have to seriously start thinking about transitioning, which is lengthy, costly and emotional frought... plus I would have to tell people over again. Is this likely, in your opinion?

Lots of Love, Lily xxx

[Guest ashleynikole]

Glad you're getting along Lucie. So good to hear people shedding their dysphoria and really living a truly authentic life.

I've always preferred the pronouns be based on what I'm presenting as. When I'm in boy mode, its all the male pronouns and name and when I'm in girl mode, all the female ones. My immediate family is the only ones that have to actually think about it and I don't hold them to it too much. It's actually quite dysphoric to me, to be addressed in a way that I'm not presenting. It's also embarrassing on some level and I can imagine can be embarrassing to others around you if you are called the wrong thing.

[Guest Sarausa]

It really sounds like you're hitting some milestones, Lucie!

Thank you ! I'm taking it slow, one step at a time, and being accepted as who I am by the people I live with is a very important thing, so I don't have to hide. It took a lot of time for me as well, almost six years all things considered, and it's like I had to come out to myself before I came out to others. The denial ran deep... And when I was "ready" to accept myself and decided to transition, I was still so scared and so confused, that I didn't want to "rush", get even more scared, and retreat, and go back into a more confortable denial, like I did before. Brick by brick, I'm building the only home I'll ever truly need : me. And the pronouns are just one of those bricks, yet a pretty big one.

For me, now that I've come out I feel like a totally different person. I just feel so happy, I no longer have to life a lie and repress my feminine side. It's the World I've always dreamed of, but never thought I would join. It all feels so naturally, and the joy I get when I put on my underwear and tights...

Which leads me onto what I wanted to ask: how did the desire to transition come about for you? Do you start crossdressing, and then it later came along, or did you want to transition right from the start. I feel so happy, the only thing that I crosses my mind is that I might become depressed again, because I love my feminine side so much I want to be female. Then I would have to seriously start thinking about transitioning, which is lengthy, costly and emotional frought... plus I would have to tell people over again. Is this likely, in your opinion?

I felt the same way, always secretly fascinated by the "feminine world", and strangely pulled to it, but I made every effort I could to forbid myself everything female. However now, I feel like I didn't change very much, but I do now have a goal, a light at the end of a long, dark tunnel, and walking towards it is what brings me hope and joy. For each new step I walk, I'm getting better, and when I'll reach the light, I will be able to, at last, begin to live, because I did nothing more than just exist until now...

I don't really know the answer to your question. Why did I decided to transition, why now, I don't know. I just know that it's the right thing to do. The only thing to do. Because that's who I am, and I'm tired to pretend, to play this fake "boy act" that I didn't even understood I was playing, and put away this burden of permanent control I had over myself. Actually, I came out around the end of december of a period of deep depression that lasted more than 3 years, the worst of many others (It's like I have been really depressed all my life, really, but I had periods of relative calm). Before that, I was actually about to attempt suicide, when I saw a random video on Internet about transgender folks. Not really knowing why at first, I watched another, and another, and ten, twenty others, read articles, blog, and studied deeply the subject. I didn't even know it was possible, or likely, to transition, and I don't know at what point exactly it triggered in me, but learning everything I could brought back lots and lots of repressed memories related to gender dysphoria, things that I have forgotten, or made myself forgot because of denial, and I knew why I hated myself so much, and knew that there could be hope, yes, even for me. I guess one might say that Internet saved me

I'm sorry, i ramble a little bit, and it musn't be very cheerful to read I recall cross-dressing in secret when i was a child, but stopped at some point along my teenage years. I had tried once, at 21 (I'm now 27), to transition, for the same reasons, I guess, but I had no idea how to even begin to do that then. I got to scared and denied it once again. This is why I am going slowly now. I don't want to experience 6 more years of struggle with my true self. I waited one or two month to be absolutely sure that this was the right thing for me. I'm not sure I'm the right person to give you any advice on that matter, only you can know what is good for you. If you feel that you're more female than male, indeed it may be the right thing for you. Sorry if I couldn't be more helpful

Glad you're getting along Lucie. So good to hear people shedding their dysphoria and really living a truly authentic life.

I've always preferred the pronouns be based on what I'm presenting as. When I'm in boy mode, its all the male pronouns and name and when I'm in girl mode, all the female ones. My immediate family is the only ones that have to actually think about it and I don't hold them to it too much. It's actually quite dysphoric to me, to be addressed in a way that I'm not presenting. It's also embarrassing on some level and I can imagine can be embarrassing to others around you if you are called the wrong thing.

Well, the dysphoria didn't really went away I have ups and downs, and still really bad days when I feel very bad and no amount of clothes or pronouns is going to change that... But I made some progress, I now have ups . Yet the more time passes, the better I feel, more relieved and more serene, because I'm still learning to be myself. I know everything won't be perfect even when I'll start living full time, but things get much much better.

[Guest actuarylilium]

Thanks for your post, Lucie

I can relate to what you said about this being the right time: The first time I cross-dressed without self-gratifying at the same time, I knew it was for me, the only way I could live. At the moment, I'm perfectly happy with how and who I am. It's just that after 3 years of on and off hell, I'd like to think that things will never get that bad again. But I'm not thinking about that just now, I'm just focusing on finally enjoying life And if it comes to that, I'm never repressing my feminine side again...

Again, best of luck with your transition. I think you are doing things the right way, by not rushing and making sure you know for certain what's right for me.

Lots of Love, Lily xxx