Talking to Transgender/Transexual customers

[Guest Alex F]

So, I work as a cashier at best buy and I haven't started dressing out as a girl yet but I am taking hormones, but what I wanted to bring up was the topic of transexual customers.

Today I had a MTF transsexual customer and she was really nice and I wanted to say something encouraging to her and didn't really know how, I really wanted to tell her that she looked really nice as a girl or at least somehow acknowledge her efforts but I didn't want to out her. We weren't within earshot of anyone and I even helped her carry out a TV, but I didn't want to let her on that I noticed either.

So what are your thoughts on this situation?

[Guest thevaliantx]

I would have said, in private, "you pass very well", if that were the case. Otherwise I would commented positively on her best feature.

[Guest Nicodeme]

I really think it's best not to say anything, and simply address a person as whatever gender they're clearly shooting for. That's the validation they really need.

[Guest]

Hi Alex,

I think that the best thing to do is to compliment her, without mentioning gender. Women thrive on compliments, hand them out freely to each other. If the conversation goes well beyond the initial comment, then you might be able to talk about trans - but it's always an awkward thing to do. The last thing you want to do is insult a customer!

Love, Megan

[Guest SouthernBelle]

I think either of those are good options. Letting her pass or telling her she passes well should both be uplifting as long as it becomes clear that you are a 'sister' (in the case of telling her she passes)

;;

[Guest KimberlyF]

If she didn't out herself, then how do you know?

[Guest Jenni_S]

Unless you're at some sort of function where gender is "in play," such as a support group, meeting, or similar, no. I am a customer, not a transsexual, when I'm shopping in your store. This isn't about validation for me or for you, it's getting into someone's personal affairs when they're doing business. If you let someone know that you know, how do you know that won't ruin their day? Even just buying a TV is a trans thing now? What did I do to give myself away?

And what if you're wrong?

You don't out someone, even "just between you and me."

[Guest SouthernBelle]

Well... perhaps Jenni is right... Letting her know she's passing well might indeed make her feel as though she is not. After all, how did YOU clock her?

My bad

[VickySGV]

Megan and Jenni both have it right as far as I would like to be treated as your customer. A compliment that is DESERVED is the limit of where to go. It need not be personal, you can even tell her you have the same model of TV and she made a good choice there. I know Trans*-dar is a heavy item when we are pre-out and it is tempting, but they came there to give your employer money in exchange for a product, and not to conduct a support meeting. Leave it as personally hoping you can look as good some time.

[Guest Sarah Faith]

If it were me across the counter and someone said something about me passing I can say with 100% certainty that it would not result in a pleasant conclusion to our interaction. I was at Olive Garden once and the Manager came up to ask how our meal was.. she said "Are you ladies enjoying your meal? Sir!.. err Miss!" I know it was a brainfart and had little to do with being clocked but I was extremely annoyed with the woman.. If looks could kill I'm sure my death stare would have incinerated her she made a hasty retreat.

So the moral to this story.. Don't do it you may seriously offend someone!

[Guest]

I really think it's best not to say anything, and simply address a person as whatever gender they're clearly shooting for. That's the validation they really need.

Took the words out of my mouth, Nicodeme.

A "simple" complement will go a long way. Without addressing the Trans*.

Huggs,

Joann

[Guest thevaliantx]

Actually, Sarah, I do not think she intended to offend you at all. The manager was just being polite. She mentioned nothing that, seemingly in her mind, had anything to do with passing. Obviously something caused her to get mixed up on pronouns.

I agree with others that it would be best to treat the customer as you would any other.

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Actually, Sarah, I do not think she intended to offend you at all. The manager was just being polite. She mentioned nothing that, seemingly in her mind, had anything to do with passing. Obviously something caused her to get mixed up on pronouns.

I agree with others that it would be best to treat the customer as you would any other.

I never said I thought she intended to insult or offend, Like I said I understand it was a brainfart as the entire interaction took less than a few seconds, I know I do not look like a sir lol. The fact is that if you make a statement on someones gender even one as simple as "you pass great" could very well offend someone. You might even say that to someone who isn't even trans, the chances are just way too high that you are going to seriously offend someone by making that comment. Not to mention if they are trans, and if they are still fairly early on in being full time you may very well damage their confidence.. It's just not worth it.

I've always been under the impression it was the unwritten rule among trans people, to not out another trans person just because you can determine they are trans.

[Guest KimberlyF]

I've always been under the impression it was the unwritten rule among trans people, to not out another trans person just because you can determine they are trans.

That was the pre-loud and proud days. Some believe the best path is to follow the plan laid out by many in the G&L community. There were magazines and websites known for outing people who didn't do it on their own at a satisfactory pace to some in that community.

There have been more than a few cases of trans people on the net disagreeing with each other and that leading to one or both outing the other.

[JJ]

Perhaps the protocol depends on the people you associate with but it was not that long ago I heard the don't out anyone re-iterated as current. With good reason. We have a better eye than most and could put someone in danger by outing them or asking questions. Could also devastate someone early in transition and destroy confidence.

Gay and lesbian are fundamentally different as far as being outed.

No matter the agenda or how someone justifies it to make themselves feel better devastating someone else is never justified if it can be avoided without harming ourselves. In a social situation it is just an unacceptable risk and behavior to out someone as trans unless they are sending unmistakable signals they ARE trans.

Not to mention you can get it wrong and deeply offend someone. There is a local woman who is well over 6'3" and would make two of me. She looks more like what people think is a transwoman than anyone I have ever seen and I am fairly certain she is cis - I seem to remember she served in a women's unit in the military and in law enforcement somewhere. We socialize sometimes and she watched my transition with acceptance but no particular recognition or comment. I am certain she would take offense at being asked if she was a transwoman. Because of the implied message that someone the person asked is not the same as a cis woman I think many people would whether cis or trans.

Outside of the possibility of actually harming someone it would be rude. I would not respect anyone who outed someone for any reason short of a medical emergency

Johnny

[Guest Kelly-087]

I would say.. Nothing lol.

Best case you give them a nice compliment, they take it. Most likely case: Someone just clocked them and ruined their self esteem.

Or worst case: It's just a really genetic female that seems TS just by nature or because of a condition..

I'm 99% Certain I'm working with a transwoman, I don't present AS female at work but I do pretty much look like a girl. I won't really ever bring it up to her. Just because I feel like it's a pandoras box situation.

[Guest KerryUK]

What if she is a cis woman? Then you are saying that you think she is a transwoman and passes very well - ooooooh no no no no no. Not good.

What if she is a trans woman? Well, you have just shattered her self confidence - there she is, trying her best to pass and then you come along and tell her that actually she doesn't really pass that well (otherwise how would you know she is trans?).

So, in a nutshell - this is a no win situation. Leave well alone.

If you must say something, compliment her on something else like what she is wearing or her nails or some other thing (unfortunately, if you are in 'guy mode' - you will come across as being a bit 'strange' or worse).

[Guest KimberlyF]

On top of many of the above points, many TSs see transsexualism as a diagnosis and not as much an identity.

[Guest katea]

I can't recall the comedian, but one once said that there were two things you can recover from.

1. Guessing if a woman is pregnant.

2. Misidentifying someone's gender.

The store I work in has a few trans women and men customers that come in every so often. While I am more sensitive to certain ques, I'm going to say anything. Saying anything would be awkward for them, because getting clocked is a fear for some. And like JustMEUK points out, what you got it wrong? I think the golden rule kinda comes into play here. If out and about would you want someone to say something to you about being trans even it was a compliment?

To those I have helped: I've given them a bigger smile, was as kind and helpful as I could be, then wished them a wonderful day when we parted.

[Guest KerryUK]

To those I have helped: I've given them a bigger smile, was as kind and helpful as I could be, then wished them a wonderful day when we parted.

I have met people just like Katea when I have been shopping here in the UK. They are the ones who have made me think 'wow, I just passed and she was so cheerful and lovely'. They have made me smile much more than any compliment - in fact, their 'compliment' was the way they acted towards me. They were the ones who made me walk out of the store with a skip in my step and a smile from ear to ear. God Bless.

Kerry (JustMeUK) x.

[Guest sydney]

My wife and I were at Lane Bryant to pickup up a few tops for our a work conference next week. Sometimes I pass, other times I don't, but so far when I haven't pass, no issues. Anyway, both ladies in the store were very nice and and helpful with me trying things on. I was addressed as she and no issues, but one of them clock me, but didn't tell me and indicate anything to me that I was clocked. The only way I found out was because one of them quietly asked my wife: "Has she got a lot of clothes yet." So she was nice, but I was clocked non-the less. Part of me is glad that she didn't tell me as I felt pretty good with dinner right afterwards at CPK. (California Pizza Kitchen) However another part of me wants to know what tipped her off. I was struggling with my voice tonight since I had been talking a lot and my voice was getting tired, so that could be it. It's hard to ask my wife this, because she just knows me so well that she just looks at me as a woman.

[VickySGV]

One of my "outings" in a store was NOT the result of an employee blowing my cover, My eldest daughter who was having some problems with me at the time did it. I was in a changing stall and had asked her to go to a rack and bring me the next size bigger garment. She came back and loudly announced "Here's the bigger blouse DAD!!". Luckily it was the right size top so I was able to get it paid for and start out of the store when the manager who had been helping me looked at me and said "I now remember why I feel so much better shopping without my children around. Leave her at home the next time you come here and things will be fine!" (My daughter was 38 at the time). I have been back since then and the sales staff there is great and happy to serve me.

[Guest sydney]

I've been traveling from NJ to FL for a conference we were exhibiting our software at a trade show. The entire trip I have been passing 100%. My wife figured out how the sales person knew was that I was wearing men's jeans as she saw the top of them (the only time you can tell) when I lifted my top up as I showed her how the spanx that I was trying on.

[~Nova~]

It's kinda obvious that she didn't pass if you knew. End of thread