Don't know where to go from here

[Guest actuarylilium]

Hi everyone,

I just told my Mum about my crossdressing, and all the stuff that's been going through my head for years. I nearly got found out at lunch time, and figured that she would eventually find out because she always does. She isn't supportive of my crossdressing (and I knew she wouldn't be), but extremely understanding of what I've been going through. The plan is to go to my GP and get a referral to a Therapist, who will help me to deal with my issues... And I've just purged for the first (maybe last?) time

When I think about it now, it was the self-gratification that was really causing the depression. That has been dealt with, I found out that I get post-orgasmic illness syndrome and that was causing me to feel really ill. As a result, any motivation I have to gratify has gone, and I don't live in fear of it anymore Further, studying Actuarial Science really hasn't helped with my stress levels - I graduate in June, and don't plan to be involved in the field in future because I don't want to, and couldn't take the pressure. And my motivation to work and study at the same time is zero!

But I'm not sure where all of this leaves crossdressing in the future. Is it a part of me, or is it something I was just doing to deflect away the pain? Right now, I feel like I could live life without it... but would I just be miserable again? Was I just being stupid, acting on the thoughts because I thought I had to? What if it turns out that crossdressing is part of me, but Mum doesn't approve? I don't know where the road leads from here... I feel like a right idiot just now, like I was living a lie and made a stupid mistake - but I'm not sure if that is actually true..

I should say here that I love my mum to pieces, I've always been really close to her and she genuinely has my best interests at heart - she went above and beyond to help sort out my issues I had when I was at achool. Despite that, I fear she is just going to be closed minded no matter what she is told, and will stop my personal development. I honestly don't know what to think or believe anymore...

Lots of Love, Lily xxx

[VickySGV]

Your scholastic stress is a big issue, and the point there is to get it behind you. I did not go into a field directly related to my college degree, but the degree was useful in giving me an approach to a job I did have for 33 years that made that job better. No worries about jumping ship after graduation to me.

I have three adult children myself, and none of them really is much concerned about what I think of their careers and lives, to the point they are doing what they think is best for them. I do not love them any less for that and I do not think that your mom will love you any less if you do keep CDing. Your life and hers must become two separate lives in order to be healthy. I say that because I did not follow that advice, and kept trying to please my father up until his death in 2006, and nearly killed myself over that two years later. Don't do what I did. I could NEVER have pleased him, or he at least could never let on that I did.

It is possible that you are NOT a CD in any lasting sense, but it will take time to be sure of that, and the time needs to be free of guilt or shame for having done the deeds. You are beyond the erotic element of CDing you say, which as a TS, I am too, but that is not a prediction of your path. If pleasing mom and only going forward on her total approval is what you think you need, then you do not and will not ever know what YOU truly are, because you will be her construct and not yourself.

That is probably very circular, but find a way to LET YOURSELF BE YOU and not Mum's child.

[Guest actuarylilium]

Hi Vicky,

Thanks for the kind message, I really appreciate it

Having thought it over for the week, I feel ALOT better now... In all honesty, my clothing needed to be purged anyway - my tights were starting to rip, and my underwear was in desperate need of a wash Not only that, but they were not in any way fashionable - I just bought the most basic cheapest stuff when I was shopping, just so that I could say and know that I had the items

I'm glad I told her, even if it was totally unnecessary to do so. Having gone through all sorts over the years without saying a word, it's good to get it out in the open. I now know that I can go to her and talk about anything, and she will help me deal with it That was always the case, but she really isn't the easiest person to have a conversation with - she comes across as very intense...

She just thought that I had accidentally put on a pair of her underwear in the morning. I only told her because I panicked - for some reason I thought that my relatives would send me cards on my birthday mentioning my crossdressing and give the game away. I couldn't stuff thinking about how close she came, and knew I probably would have to tell her.The only reason she even got anywhere near finding out is because I was sloppy (wore my stuff when she was present).

As for the future, I'm 99% sure I will continue crossdressing. I said I would never again feel scared or fearful of my feelings, and I intend to stand by that. I love the look and feel of Women's clothes - always have done. They feel comfortable on me, it makes me feel happy and secure and free It doesn't do anyone else any harm, it doesn't do me any harm (crucially). Why should I feel embarrased, who says it is wrong? My relatives and closest friends still love and support me exactly the same.

Thankfully, my Mum hasn't given me a hard time this weekend. Far from it - she has been really supportive and understanding, constantly asking me if I'm feeling ok. I know she wants what she thinks is best for me. But I have to go with what makes me feel happy, I'm not going to be unhappy just because she says so. I'll leave it a couple of weeks, and see if she mentions anything about it. She tends to leave the past behind, to consider things done once they been talked over. If she mentions anything, I'll just say that I'm fine, I didn't know what I was doing and would rather forget about the whole thing.

Do you think I am going about this the right way? Am I doing anything stupid or illogical?

Lots of Love, Lily xxx

[Carolyn Marie]

Lily, I'm glad to hear that you have peace of mind and a clear conscience about all that has transpired. I think your mother is pretty special, but you do need to live life as you see fit, and not just conform to what your mother may or may not want. When you cross dress, you give yourself pleasure and feel good, and you hurt no one. That's all that matters. As Vicky said, there should be no shame.

I encourage you to continue seeking out a therapist, preferably a gender specialist, who can guide you and provide support. Where your path takes you no one can say, but I think you'll be fine. As for your career path, please do find something that makes you happy and fulfilled. Companies are filled with unhappy people who do the job just to have a pay check, with no joy or satisfaction in it. There is a whole world to pursue, and you're intelligent and well spoken. You'll find something that fits, and of that I am sure.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest actuarylilium]

Thank you very much for the kind message Carolyn

I'm at that stage where, after my final exams, I'll have to decide what the next step for me is. At the moment, I'm not too worried about it because I know there's something out there for me... I'm not being arrogant, but I know I'm reasonably inteliigent and have abilities. I'm not completely closing off the Actuary route, where I think I'd like to work is something in the Statistics or Finance route. It's just seeing about what options I have, but I don't really know where to start

Actuarial Science has been such a long hard slog, but it has made me a much better person. I've learnt alot about myself, many life lessons and what depression is like, plus how to overcome it I'm on the boundary between a third and lower second class degree. A 2:2 would be a fantastic achievement, all things considered!

As for crossdressing... part of why I was depressed for so long was that I was repressing my thoughts and feelings. I thought I had to think and act in a certain way (namely no sexual thoughts or actions whatsoever), because my parents are quite conservative and "traditional" when it comes to sexual matters and gender roles. In addition, what doesn't help is that my parents fight alot (not helped by alcohol...), and for a while it put me off the idea of sexual relationships and intimacy. Now, my closest female friend is one of the most supportive towards my crossdressing, and I'm quite taken with her Unfortunately, she's not my girlfriend

I'm never doing that again, because living life like that was horrible! Crossdressing makes me feel more than happy... it makes me feel free and secure. Shopping for female clothing feels exciting and liberating Genuinely, I have not once felt embarrased or ashamed after crossdressing. Why should I stop? Who says it is wrong? I love my parents so much, but I don't want to be prideful and believe I have all the answers in life - there's much more to it than meets the eye!

Thanks again for both of your kind support

Lots of Love, Lily xxx